Chapter 2
It was not just Egwene's orders to mend the torn fabric that held the Ajahs together, nor was it the fact that Silviana felt a tremendous amount of pity for the tall, anxious woman at her door, that encouraged her to invite Meidani inside. The Keeper of the Chronicles had once considered joining the Yellow Ajah before ultimately deciding that the defensive role of the Reds suited her personality more. Taming the men who could channel, the men who would soon lose control in the tainted fury of saidin, and protecting those they would inevitably hurt was her higher calling. A small knack for healing could not overcome that insatiable drive to protect the weak from the male channelers. But then, her world had changed a great deal since being raised to the shawl.
Still, Silviana had a penchant for mending what was broken, and she had never seen a woman more broken than Meidani.
She cringes at my words. Her whole world is imploding.
Even Egwene, stripped and whipped in her study until a Healing that left the weaver exhausted was necessary just to keep the girl alive, had never looked lost. Only resolute. She'd been a leader long before the Hall acknowledged her.
Early on, Egwene had mentioned to Silviana the services- a frail, disappointing turn of phrase in Silviana's opinion- Meidani had provided for the Salidar rebels. She'd spoken of the numerous betrayals that led her into the clutches and bed of the former Amyrlin, who waited like a spider on a web until she could tie her prey down and eat her alive. It was a foul thing that happened to Meidani, and it was clear the Gray considered the stains on her heart immutable.
The Keeper's room was larger than that of an average Sister's, or of the Mistress of the Novices', for that matter, but Silviana kept her space orderly and clean. A heavy cherrywood desk, an intricately crafted piece from an Altaran master carpenter, was her favorite new possession. It held neatly sorted stacks of paperwork: everything from international trade reports to scribbled notes from the eyes-and-ears to records on recent Hall decisions, the latter to which Silviana added her own pile. She would sort it another time.
A large bed surrounded by bookshelves stood in the back corner, nestled beneath a window with a dazzling view of the moon on clear nights. Silviana thought it a blessing a curse that she couldn't see the looming, majestic form of Dragonmount from her window: it would serve as a necessary but somber reminder of the upheaval that would inevitably come before Tarmon Gai'don.
"Please, sit down," she gestured to a set of cushioned chairs, feeling particularly gruff and ungraceful as Meidani wordlessly complied. It was a problem she'd always had in front of pretty women, one she actively countered by schooling her face into calmness. She often wondered if she was the only Aes Sedai who was grateful for her training in that regard.
The Red retrieved her tea leaves and porcelain teapot from a small cupboard beside a low table near the fireplace. She said, "Chamomile helps me sleep when I'm feeling... energetic."
She neglected to mention that it never helped with the wracking fear of falling short of her station, or worse, disappointing Egwene. Silviana had nightmares of her own: vivid terrors in which a minor clerical error lead to the gruesome execution of an innocent person, or a worsening food shortage in a starving district of Tar Valon. She was far less frightened of the dreams in which the Black Ajah hung her by her stole until her eyes bulged and lips turned a pallid blue before tossing her lifeless body from the roof of the White Tower. At least then it hadn't been a mistake of her own costing the lives she intended to protect.
Warming the teapot with a weave of Fire, the Red sat at a chair across from her guest, hands folded demurely in her lap. She wanted very badly to knead her eyes with the heel of her hands or to lay her forearms on the table and simply collapse from fatigue, but the Keeper of the Chronicles could never afford to show such weakness.
I will be strong if it kills me. I will not bend. I will not break.
Eyeing her visitor, who had not spoken since accepting the offer of tea, Silviana cleared her throat, another of her nervous habits, "I tend to keep later hours than the Amyrlin, should you ever find yourself wanting company at night." The teapot faintly whistled and Silviana released her weave, hoping her tan skin covered an accidental blush.
Too forward and too easy to misinterpret, she reprimanded herself. She's going to think you're a lecher, come to continue the disgusting business that Elaida started.
"Ah, thank you," Meidani was unfazed. "I'd wondered if you were something of a night owl, or just working late on a pressing issue." She spoke thoughtfully and slowly, as if trying to determine both her motive for accepting the Red's offer of tea and the reason it was given in the first place. Her voice sounded as if it had been unused for some time, scratchy and despairing, and unlike her usual smooth-as-butter tone. She'd heard her speak once, just some brief instructions to a passing Accepted, but the Gray had a lovely voice and a coy, playful quality that was refreshing amid the sea of icy Aes Sedai.
"I suppose there's always something pressing," Silviana conceded, pouring tea for both of them into dainty floral cups. Meidani was beneath her both in station and in strength, but Silviana had no mind for the Tower's hierarchy when it came to menial tasks. She was just as capable of pouring the bloody tea. "Though tonight's work was more routine, full of simple things that needed attending."
"I'm sure none of what you do is simple," Meidani countered. One corner of her lips curled up. Was it the tea or the statement that made her face soften? thought Silviana."I can't imagine the sheer amount of work required by the Keeper of the Chronicles."
Settling back against her chair, Silviana debated steering the discussion away from her own life and back to whatever problem plagued Meidani, but decided against it. The fair-skinned woman would speak if she wanted to, and the last thing she needed was another Red pushing her against her will. "It can be... daunting," she settled on. After taking a sip of the herbal tea, she moved the conversation to what she hoped was neutral ground.
"Tell me, what was it like in Salidar? The Amyrlin speaks little of her time there."
Meidani sat unbearably still for so long that Silviana flinched in the silence. Was she offended? Had she pried too far with her question? Worse, was Meidani uncomfortable being alone in her presence? Silviana luckily lacked the more aggressive reputation many Reds had when it came to pursuing women they found attractive- she immediately recalled Galina's notorious, one-sided fascination with the gorgeous Tarna Feir- but it was no secret that the current Keeper had no interest in courting men.
Silviana had intended to relieve Meidani of whatever burden, whatever irrational fear, had her clutching at the Source in the hallway only moments prior. Ignoring the small voice in the back of her mind that questioned, Why do you think she needs your help? was becoming increasingly difficult, and it nagged like a splinter beneath the skin. Her invitation was never meant to be flirtatious or forward but, in retrospect, Silviana berated herself for speaking without forethought. What must the Gray think of her, seemingly preying on the weak and tormented in the dead of night outside of her study? As her mind whirled trying to find an apology of the appropriate magnitude, Meidani spoke in an absent murmur. Silviana barely contained her sigh of relief.
"It was," she tucked a wayward blonde lock behind her ear, "confusing and unstable at first. But as we grew it became exciting. So much new blood, so many novices, it was exhilarating. It felt like being home at the Tower. I taught the girls history and the development of modern justice codes. Their enthusiasm was contagious."
She stared sadly into her cooling tea as if she'd forgotten that they'd returned home to Tar Valon with their massive host of new recruits in tow. It seemed her recent ordeals overshadowed any happy memories she'd made in the last year.
Though only months ago Silviana had been stuffed, hungry and cold, into a cramped, filthy cell in the bowels of the Tower, she didn't think she could summon the look of overwhelming agony that Meidani wore so comfortably before her. She'd been starved and beaten for days before being dragged from her prison thinking that she was almost- almost- mentally prepared to be stilled and executed, when Egwene had called her to service before the Hall. Fortunes could change in a heartbeat, and she intended to prove that to the melancholy Gray by whatever means she could.
"Perhaps you should teach again here," Silviana said, taking a sip. The tea leaves sat unused and staling for too long, and needed to be replaced by a fresher set. "We have so many novices now and too few Sisters with your expertise and experience. Combine with that the fact that the Salidar novices already know and respect you, and I'd say you're an ideal candidate for continuing their lessons."
The taller woman seemed again at a loss for words, and if she clutched her teacup any tighter it would shatter in her palms. Silviana reached across the table, gently removing the porcelain from her guest's tense fingers, and softly added, "Only if you want to, of course." She resisted the urge to take her empty hand, tempting though it was, and saw with regret that Meidani began grasping her own hands like a drowning woman holding a lifeline. She was vulnerable, and the Keeper wanted desperately to provide her more meaningful comfort.
You are a bleeding heart, Silviana, and she does not need your condolences.
Nodding vigorously, Meidani croaked, "Yes! Yes, I would very much like to teach again." Her renewed eagerness shook off the weight from her shoulders, but her hand-wringing continued. The Red thought any Aes Sedai must be terribly upset, nearing a breaking point, to wear her anxiety so openly. Meidani's bloodshot eyes shone, but with tears or exhaustion Silviana could not discern.
"Why are you doing this?" Meidani asked throatily.
For a long moment Silviana considered the question, hoping it didn't strike the other woman as suspicious that she did not supply an immediate answer. She wanted to be careful with her words, certainly more careful than she had been in their dealings so far. "Everyone deserves a little kindness, and to share a cup of tea at night when they're troubled."
Biting at her lips, Meidani murmured, "Thank you for thinking so." She looked for a long moment out the window to her left, then glanced down at the crimson-covered bedspread in the corner. "I must be going now. Sleep well, Silviana Sedai." She rose with a small bow, golden hair tumbling over her shoulders. "Thank you for the tea."
"Sleep well, Meidani Sedai," the Keeper responded, equally formal. "Be safe."
Silviana watched dolefully as Meidani closed the door behind her with a soft click. After a moment of stillness she began clearing the table of teacups, noting with a frown that Meidani's was mostly untouched. She wished the Gray had stayed a while longer despite their mutual weariness and the late hour, if only to finish her drink. As she moved to sort her pile of papers at the solid desk, Silviana suppressed the urge to burst into the hallway and invite Meidani back into her room. It was unsafe alone, even in the Tower, she tried to justify, undoing her bun with one hand and filing paperwork with the other. Her room was safer, and she could sleep on a palette while her guest took the bed. The Gray quarters were on the opposite side of the Tower.
As she changed into her night shift and prepared for bed, times when she was normally distracted by the tasks and trials of tomorrow, she found herself hoping that Meidani slept restfully instead.
