Disclaimer: See part the first.
A/N: Okay, so the document submitter thing isn't working for me so this is two parts in one so it'll be super long. Don't expect this much in future updates. Thanks to those who reviewed, I love to hear your thoughts. Kindly review even if you don't review kindly. Feedback is love.
EmoKitten: I picked Rowan pretty much because I think it's a pretty bitchen name, and it's what I plan on naming my son. Plus, I see Spencer and Ashley as unique individuals who would give their child a unique name.
I.
Spencer isn't sure what happened. She isn't sure when it all changed. How her perfect little family went from perfect to torn, she has no idea. And she doesn't like it. She's tired of waking up next to no one. She's sick of short, hurried, and sporadic phone calls from the woman she's supposed to be married to. And she hates how her son looks up at her through wet eyes and asks when mommy is coming home.
She palms the steering wheel into a sharp turn and her engagement ring catches a shaft of sunlight. She closes her eyes against memories of a proposal, a wedding, and promises broken. Spencer's got half the mind to take the damn thing off because it doesn't even mean much at this point. She doesn't though, she just pulls into an empty space in front of the elementary school and gets out to meet her son.
Spencer sees him before he sees her. Well, she hears him first. The boy's got quite a set of pipes for a six year old and Spencer catches a loud "Mommy!" from fifteen feet away through a crowd of people. It's a little weird because Rowan calls her mama, not mommy, but Spencer realizes Rowan wasn't yelling for her. She watches her son jump into the arms of his mother and Spencer isn't sure if she's more happy or angry.
She waits a moment before approaching them and wishes she'd worn something other than jeans and a sweatshirt for once. Ashley is letting Rowan down just as Spencer is coming up behind her. Spencer almost can't believe how much Ashley's changed since she's last seen her. But then she can. She's used to it by now. Ashley pushes a hand through Rowan's curls and says she's sorry to see he cut it.
Rowan makes a face and points up at Spencer, "Mama made me."
Ashley turns and sees Spencer. When she stands, she's too close, and Spencer has to take a step back. Ashley sort of breathes her name and leans in for a kiss, but Spencer turns her head and Ashley's lips catch her cheek. Ashley pretends she didn't notice when she pulls back and Rowan is talking about the picture he made in art today.
"Hey, bubba?" Ashley says to Rowan. "Why don't you go get in the car, I wanna talk to Mama real quick."
"Okay, but then can we go the store? Because Stevie--Stevie used my crayons today to make his um, picture? And he broke like, half of all of them." Spencer watches Ashley smile at their son and she softens. A little.
"Sure, we can do that." Spencer tries to follow the little boy and a warm hand grabs at her wrist. Spencer thinks she could pull away, but she really doesn't want to. It's been far too long since Ashley's touched her.
"We're not doing this now, Ashley. Not here." Spencer thinks she sees a flash of something in Ashley's eyes. Disappointment? Anger? She used to know the difference.
"Fine, okay. Just--" And Ashley pulls the wrist she's holding, until Spencer comes closer, until Spencer's in her arms again, until Spencer thinks she might cry.
Spencer wraps her arms around a waist and arms wrap around her neck and the words that have been on her lips since Ashley had walked out the door come dangerously close to slipping out. "I've missed you" comes out instead and Ashley's arms tighten around her neck, her body flush against Spencer's own. Yes. It's been far too long.
II.
Ashley had dropped all her things off at home before she went to the school. She'd half expected Spencer to have changed the locks when she got to the house. But everything was right where she'd left it. It all looked the same. Only empty. Which is something Ashley had had enough of. Empty hotel rooms. Empty beds. Empty looks in Spencer's eyes when she tells her she'd be leaving again.
But it's okay now. Ashley's going to make it up to Spencer. And Rowan. She told Spencer once that she didn't want to hurt her and Ashley realizes that's all she's been doing. So Ashley wants to make it better. She needs to. She needs Spencer to know just how important she is to her, how much this family they've made together means. So Ashley stretches a hand out. Spencer's hand is resting idle on the gearshift as she drives and Ashley wants to hold it. She wants to hold Spencer; wrap her in her arms and never let her go again, but her hand will do for now.
Ashley's hand hovers over the emergency brake, indecisive, and Ashley watches as Spencer's hand returns to the steering wheel and stays there. Ashley draws her hand back into her lap and she can hear Rowan behind her singing along to the CD in the stereo.
She's hurt him too. Her baby. Someone who was supposed to love her for her, and he did. And she'd hurt him. Ashley hates that she leaves him. She hates how he cries when she has to go and that Spencer has to pull him away. It doesn't matter that she's doing it for him. That she's supporting her family the only way she knows how and sometimes it means she has to do that elsewhere.
Ashley just can't find the right way to say that sometimes. She has no trouble finding words to fill lyrics, to make music. But when it comes to being honest and voicing what she feels, Ashley pretty much sucks. Half the time, when she actually does know what she wants to say, she can't find the courage to say it. She can't get past her lips reasons and excuses and apologies to justify her behavior when she knows they're only going to hurt. Ashley's tired of hurting.
She reaches over and gently pulls Spencer's hand from the wheel. Spencer won't look over but she doesn't pull her hand away either. That's something.
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Ashley has insisted on making dinner. Spencer argued that Ashley had had a long trip and should relax, but Ashley needed to start the healing somewhere. Besides, Spencer had done just about all the cooking since they'd been together, it was the least Ashley could do. Even she could handle boiling spaghetti.
Ashley has tried to ignore the fact that Spencer hasn't said anything to her since they'd gotten into the house. She's really trying not to notice. But Spencer had given her an earful when she'd been gone but now Ashley didn't warrant so much as a "How was your flight"? Ashley hears Rowan say something about needing a toy and he makes a dash for his bedroom.
Spencer tries to busy herself with tossing an already-tossed salad, eyes fixed firmly on the wooden bowl. Ashley watches in silence for a moment and wants nothing more than for those eyes to come back up and meet hers.
"Why won't you talk to me?" The words are out of Ashley's mouth before she can stop them.
Spencer just frowns and shakes her head, incredulous. Like she can't believe Ashley is even asking. She doesn't answer so Ashley steps closer.
"Spencer."
"Ashley, I'm really not in the mood to fight right now."
"Who's fighting? I'm just asking what you're hoping to accomplish by ignoring me. You're going to have to talk to me eventually, I'm not going anywhere."
"Today," Spencer mutters. Under her breath, but Ashley hears it. Spencer finally looks up at Ashley and her eyes are clouded with anger and something else Ashley doesn't recognize. "You were gone four months."
"I was working."
"You were partying! Don't insult my intelligence, Ashley, we've been married too long. I know what happens when you go on those tours. You told me six weeks. Six weeks, Ashley. But instead you're out all over the country doing God knows what for four months and you can't even pick up a damn phone!"
"I called," Ashley volunteers. But it's weak.
"Yeah, when you remembered to let me know you weren't coming home for another week."
Ashley isn't sure she has anything to say to that. And Spencer's so angry. "I'm sorry."
"Really?" Spencer asks, her voice thick with sarcasm. "All better now."
Ashley can't remember ever seeing Spencer so be cruel. "Why are you being so hard on me?"
"Am I supposed to make this easy for you? You left us, Ashley," Spencer pauses. "You left me."
Ashley wants to tell her that that was the last thing she'd meant to do. She wants to say that desertion was the furthest thing from her mind as she stepped on that bus. She'd never meant to hurt Spencer. Everything Ashley's done since they'd met, good, bad, or otherwise, has been for Spencer. Because she loves her. And she knows Spencer has abandonment issues, that Ashley had only bolstered them when she left. And she's beyond sorry. That's what Ashley wants to say. But nothing leaves her mouth.
Spencer looks past Ashley to the stove where the water is bubbling over. She moves to remove the pot but Ashley beats her to it, scalding herself in the process. When Ashley cries out, Spencer is at her side, pressing a wet towel over Ashley's shaking hand. Ashley can feel tears burning at her eyes and thinks they have nothing to do with the pain in her hand and everything to do with Spencer holding it.
When Spencer's eyes catch hers, the anger is gone but the pain that is there mirrors Ashley's own. Spencer's head tilts slightly in a gesture Ashley's come to recognize and her gaze is sympathetic when Ashley lets the tears fall. Spencer brushes Ashley's tears away with the pad of her thumb and her hand lingers on Ashley's cheek. Ashley can't help but let her eyes drift shut.
"Baby…" Spencer starts. She's interrupted by a yell for her from upstairs. Rowan can't find his dinosaur.
"Go, I'm fine," Ashley tells her, even though she's far from it. Ashley turns back to the dinner she's been neglecting as Spencer heads for the stairs. As soon as she's gone though, Ashley covers her face and cries.
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Ashley is giving Rowan a bath an hour later while Spencer cleans up from dinner. Ashley thinks he may be old enough to take showers, but the boy likes bubbles. Ashley's thumbing through a magazine when an errant splash lands on her boots. She looks up at her son who's smiling from underneath a beard of suds.
"Water stays in the tub, bub," Ashley reminds him.
"In the tub, bub. In the tub, bub," Rowan sing-songs. Ashley helps her son rinse the shampoo from his hair and asks him if he remembers what his first word was.
"No, mom," he tells her, "No one remembers their first anything from when they were that little."
"You were right here," Ashley tells him as she works the conditioner into his hair. "I was giving you a bath and you were playing with the soap. You pointed at the bubbles and I told you what they were but you couldn't quite say bubbles, it just came out 'Bubba.'"
"Oh, I get it now!" he says and Ashley laughs. She tips her son's head back so she can rinse the rest the product out of his hair and she's almost startled at how much he looks like Spencer. "What?"
Ashley smiles. "You look just like your mama."
"She says I act just like you, says I can be…" he has to think hard to remember the right word. "Incorrigible. What's that mean, anyway?"
"It means you gotta get out of that tub before you wrinkle up like a prune."
"No, it doesn't," Rowan argues, even as he steps into the towel Ashley held out for him.
Ashley gets Rowan ready for bed and tucks him in before taking her own shower. But she doesn't tell him what "incorrigible" means. She doesn't want him to feel hopeless too.
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When Ashley gets out of the shower, Spencer is unpacking her suitcase for her, which is nice because Ashley's really tired. She sits down in front of her mirror and tries to watch Spencer as discreetly as possible while she brushes through her damp hair. Ashley averts her eyes when Spencer catches them in the reflection. It's for the best because Ashley wasn't paying much attention and the comb got stuck.
Spencer sighs before she crosses the room, but Ashley's pretty she smiling, if only a little. Spencer is able to disentangle the comb from Ashley's hair, but she stays put behind Ashley, pulling the comb gently through her curls.
Ashley looks down at her hands and clenches them because they're shaking. She isn't sure how to feel, this action is oddly too intimate given the current state of things. When Ashley looks back up she hadn't realized Spencer had dipped her head until Ashley's collides with Spencer's mouth. Then all Ashley wants is Spencer's lips back on her body.
Spencer's voice is small but determined when she speaks. "We need to talk."
