"I've never heard of this movie," said Jonathan Crane, studying the script in confusion.

"Really? You lived under a rock for the past twenty years, Johnny?" asked Two-Face. "It was all the rage in the 90's. I took a couple of my girlfriends to it to get some brownie points. It wasn't worth it."

"Yes, well, some of us don't have women to suffer through terrible movies for," retorted Crane. "Unfortunately," he sighed.

"I'm not sure how historically accurate we can make this," commented Jervis Tetch, studying the script. "We have limited resources locked up in here. The costuming is going to be a particular problem."

"I'm sure no one's gonna care," retorted Two-Face. "I mean, it's not even gonna get a real release, is it? It's obviously just a pointless ploy by the doctors to get us to wanna stay in this dump. It ain't gonna work on me," he said, resolutely.

The door to the Rec Room opened. "Harvey, Mr. J would like to offer you the part of Rose's fiance," said Harley Quinn.

Two-Face looked at her, and then reached into his pocket, pulling out his coin. He flipped it, and it landed good side up. "I'm in," he said, nodding.

"I still don't know why J is in charge of this project," growled Poison Ivy as Harley nodded and disappeared back into the Rec Room.

"You wanna fight him for it?" asked Two-Face.

"No," retorted Ivy. "Actually, I'm trying to be very nice to him so he'll give me the part of Rose. Don't you think I'd make a great Rose?"

"Sure, why not?" muttered Two-Face. "Although I guess it depends on who they cast as Jack, and if you have any chemistry with him."

Ivy grinned. "Harvey, it's me! I make my own chemistry with men," she said, holding up her lipstick.

"I hope I get Jack," spoke up Edward Nygma. "I don't think they're going to find anyone better in here. I'm about the right age for him. My only competition was Harvey, but now that he's out of the picture, I've got a pretty good feeling about it," he said, smugly.

Two-Face and Ivy shared a look. "Still want Rose?" he asked.

Ivy sighed. "I'll do a lot of things to be a star," she muttered. "Maybe even Nygma."

"Ok, c'mon in, Red!" called Harley, opening the door again and smiling at Ivy. "We're ready for your audition."

Ivy entered the Rec Room and sat down in front of the table. Joker sat on the other side, several papers in front of him. "You ok, J?" asked Ivy, noticing him rubbing his temples.

"Headache," he muttered. "Coming down from a sugar high is the most painful thing ever. Maybe that's why the Bat's always so miserable. Too much Bat-candy."

He forced a smile. "Never mind. So, Pammie, what role are you auditioning for?"

"Well, I think I'd really suit the character of Rose," replied Ivy.

"Really? Young, innocent, delicate woman who's never been in love before?" said Joker, raising an eyebrow. "Completely inexperienced sexually. You really think you could pull that off?"

"I'm a good actress," retorted Ivy.

"You'd have to be the greatest actress ever to make me believe that," agreed Joker, nodding. "What do you think, Harley?"

"Well, call me biased, Mr. J, but I don't think she suits that role as much as I do," said Harley.

"You?" repeated Ivy. "C'mon, Harley, don't be ridiculous!"

"It ain't ridiculous!" snapped Harley.

"Ok, first of all, Kate Winslet in Titanic was a redhead," retorted Ivy. "Second of all, she was curvy. And third of all, her name's Rose, which is a floral name like mine. I'm clearly much better suited to the role than you are."

"Aw, but…gee, Red, we've already cast Jack," said Harley, gesturing at Joker.

Ivy stared at him. "But you're directing…"

"I'm a Renaissance Man, Pammie!" chuckled Joker. "Just like Leonardo or Raphael or Michelangelo or…who was the fourth Ninja Turtle, Harley?" he asked, turning to her.

"Jack's meant to be an attractive young man," snapped Ivy. "You can't pull off young! Or attractive, for that matter."

"I'm gonna be wearing flesh-colored makeup, so I won't look all clowny," retorted Joker. "People can't suspend their disbelief that much to buy a guy with a clown face being allowed on the Titanic. But I'm sure they can suspend their disbelief at him being a little older than he was in the previous, inferior version of the story."

"Plus he's the director, so what he says goes," said Harley, smugly. "And if you wanna be Rose, ya gotta pose nude while Mr. J draws you, and then simulate a sex scene with him."

Ivy looked over at Joker, who winked at her and mouthed a kiss. "I'm out," she said, standing up and storming off.

"She's gonna make a great mother for you, Harl!" chuckled Joker, writing down Ivy's name next to the name of Rose's mother. "We can give her some ageing makeup so the audience will buy that, not that she needs it. She's getting a little long in the tooth if you ask me."

"Are we gonna keep the character names, puddin'?" asked Harley, studying the script. "I dunno why we couldn't rename Rose Harley."

"Yeah, I guess we can take a little creative license," agreed Joker. "We'll keep Jack for me, though. I mean, wouldn't wanna confuse the folks into thinking there's ever been another Joker. I'm one of a kind!" he chuckled.

"You sure are, puddin'," she purred, kissing him.

"Who have we got left to audition?" he asked, looking down at the list.

"Eddie Nygma and Johnny Crane," she said.

"Don't bother with Nygma – I already got his role down," giggled Joker, writing something down. "Call Johnny in, though."

Harley obeyed, and Crane entered a moment later. "Have a seat, Johnny," said Joker. "What role are you auditioning for?"

"Oh, whatever's left, really," he sighed. "None of these roles appeals to me in particular. They're not very relatable."

"Yeah? Then why do you wanna be a part of this movie?" asked Joker. "Why doncha bust outta here?"

"Well, I find the film-making process rather fascinating," admitted Crane. "And I'm all out of schemes to terrorize Gotham for the moment anyway."

Joker grinned. "Well, Johnny, I'm not sure if you know, but Harley's gonna be our star," he said, patting Harley on the head.

"Congratulations, Harley," said Crane sincerely, smiling at her. "I'm sure you'll be splendid."

"Oh yeah, she'll be able to pull it off, no problemo," said Joker, nodding. "Attractive gal like her. I mean, you'd tap that, wouldn't you, Johnny?"

Crane stared at him. "What does that even mean?"

Joker snorted. "And they call me old. You've read the script, huh?"

"I…flipped through it," admitted Crane.

"Then you'll know there's a scene where Harley gets sketched nude by her male costar," said Joker. "Followed by a scene where they sneak into a car and have sex. Now normally this is simulated sex, but I'm an authentic kinda director, so I'm gonna insist that Harley really has sex with her male costar. She'll do that for her art, won't you, pooh?" he asked, turning to her.

"You betcha, Mr. J!" said Harley, cheerfully.

"Now the reason I called you in here is to tell you the good news about this male costar," continued Joker. "I think you're gonna be really happy about this. I figure he's gotta be an older, intelligent, sweet, sophisticated, sensitive kinda guy, and there's only one guy in here who I think fits that description. So I've decided that Harley's male costar is...not you. It's me. But you can be the guy who builds the boat wrong, how about that?" he asked, writing his name down.

Crane had been gripping the arms of the chair tightly in rising excitement, and then realized he had been trolled by the Joker. Which he really should have seen coming. He sighed heavily, standing up and heading for the door. "Fine," he snapped. "That's fine."

Joker giggled, gazing at the completed cast list. "You know what, Harley?" he laughed. "I think this is gonna be a blast!"