Izaya stuttered in his anger but Shizuo merely dragged him by the arm without much an effort.
"You've been acting strange ever since we came back from our honeymoon. I know, probably sex deprived, huh. Guess once a slut always a slut."
Izaya stumbled to keep up Shizuo's stride.
"Honeymoon? When did that ever happen! I'm not your wife, I'm Orihara Izaya! You know, that guy you really hate? Most definitely not your wife!"
Shizuo was not at all fazed.
"Don't be silly. You're Heiwajima Izaya, Iza-chan for short."
Izaya tripped and nearly fell.
"Holy shit, you totally lost it. I'm telling you I'm not your wife, I'm not even a woman! Look, I'll show you my ID-"
But his wallet was inside his jacket and torn to shreds.
"I don't know if this is one of your trippy kinks but you're obviously my wife. Even if we got married because of a pregnancy scare, fact remains-"
"What the! I'm a guy! Did you also become blind!"
Shizuo stopped suddenly and looked at him closely. Izaya squirmed under the intent gaze.
"Doesn't matter. We're still lawfully wedded."
Shizuo resumed his dragging and Izaya felt panic creeping in.
"We can't be married. Look, you don't have a ring! See?"
"Of course not, you told me not to wear it at work."
They turned a corner into a main avenue and suddenly they were surrounded by the never ceasing crowds of Ikebukuro, the city within a city weaving its nets around them.
"But- oh yeah, work. Shouldn't you be going back to that soon?"
"Don't feel like it."
"But you'll get fired!"
"Has happened before and it didn't kill me."
It chilled Izaya to realize that this was very much like a married couple quarreling.
"Where are we even going?"
"Here."
They were before a fancy boutique. Izaya thought very quickly. Apparently talking sense into Shizuo was not going to work any time soon so his best option was to play along and put him off his track long enough for Izaya to flee. And leave Tokyo, maybe go to the countryside and lay low for a while.
"Tell you what, how about I buy something sexy and surprise you with it later? I'm a bit short on money but I can get a nice dress on a budget."
"Like that's gonna happen. I'll pick something for you."
Shizuo pushed him into the store and proceeded to drag him along rows of dresses. Izaya sent frantic glances at the store personnel but as it tended to happen a circle of emptiness formed around Shizuo.
"You don't have to go that far-"
"You're telling me I can't buy my wife something nice to wear? Huh? Is that it?"
Izaya took a few steps back.
"Erm, no- but I don't really need anything-"
"The hell you don't! Just look at you!"
And to make his point as clear as possible, Shizuo shoved Izaya in front of a full length mirror.
"You can't walk around like that! It reflects poorly on your husband. Not to mention, you're sexy…it's best to show those curves of yours."
The last lines were added as a growl. Izaya cringed. He stared at his bleak reflection. The Ikebukuro gods were not only fickle they were cruel as well.
"Eh…Shizu-chan? That's great to hear- I mean, really- but I'm a guy and I'm sure you don't want to-"
"I'd fuck you either way."
Before Izaya could close his gaping mouth Shizuo had handed him a bundle of colorful dresses and a pair of shoes.
"Wait, wait, there's no need to try these on-"
"Not gonna work so pipe it down."
Shizuo threw him a changing booth then stepped into himself and closed the curtain behind him. Which left a very frightened Izaya in very small quarters with a huge Shizuo. Never before had Izaya realized just how big Shizuo was, he towered tall above him and filled the cramped space almost completely. It occurred to Izaya that other parts of Shizuo were bound to be bigger than average as well and his heart skipped a beat at the thought. The pervasive scent of cigarettes was strong. Izaya backed into a corner until there was literally nowhere left to hide.