Navigating the Minefield
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG1 or Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters or other property. I write only to entertain not never make profit from this work or any of my other works.
Pairings: Rodney/ Sheppard friendship, Sam/Rodney friendship, Daniel/Rodney friendship
Warnings: social anxiety, panic attack, references to child abuse (Rodney), general and specific distress, maybe 3 swear words, male/male plutonic affection.
START
Rodney seemed much better. He grinned as Sam placed a coffee in front of him. It seemed as if nothing had happened. Though Sam could tell that he was evading the subject. Putting up his usual front of being okay. Even if he wasn't. Last night must have shaken him.
Daniel emerged, hair sticking up and making his way straight to his coffee machine. Though it occurred every morning, Sam always smiled in amusement. She would never miss an opprtunity to playfully tease the archiologist. He was looking more human now he had drunk his coffee.
And his sharp mind was focussed squarely on McKay. The scientest was sipping his coffee, deep in thought. He appeared relaxed but anyone who actually looked, could see he was anything but. He was wary but managed to make it look casual. How did anyone develop such a habit?!
"You know last night? That was natural. Human even. It happens to many. Its nothing to be ashamed of." Daniel said, sounding deceptively casual himself.
Rodney tensed up. Then he exhaled and spoke calmly. "I don't know what you mean" he denied.
Daniel frowned but he would not accept that.
Neither would Sam, who also looked unhappy.
Though for now they would have to. Daniel put aside the fustration and got up. "Movie?" he asked.
Sam nodded eagerly. She turned to Rodney expecting an answer. He merely looked confused. She shook her head, she should have been more clear. Rodney wasn't used to the way her team communicated. Or how most humans communicated. She grinned "He means, what movie do you want to watch?" she clarified.
He froze. But quickly recovered. "Uh...anything is good." he managed, looking like a deer in headlights.
Sam couldn't help but frown as she looked him over. He was obviously uncomfortable, but he refused to admit it. Daniel returned with Iron man. A hero movie was a nice distraction. Usually they played the hero, it made such movies a nice relaxing event. Someone else doing the saving of the world (or galaxy).
Sam made some popcorn while Daniel put on the movie. While both were busy, Rodney was thinking. They didn't like him. Maybe they had wanted to save him, merely white knights but they were only obliging him. Making sure he was okay before letting him go. You didn't have to like someone to want to save them. That was a dangerous assumption. Just look at the way Sam had reacted! They both had expected him to understand but it was just not his way. It seemed like there was a key to a code to the world and he was born without one. Making him fair game for all the head shakes, disapproving looks and whatever else they thought he didn't understand. He had experienced it his entire life. It was not new. Sam disapproved. Still she was obliged to ensure he was okay.
He was watching the movie, trying to focus on that, instead of his thoughts. If they didn't want him there, why invite him to stay? They didn't have to. What if they were actually being nice, just to be nice? What did that mean for him? Maybe it was pity. Pity often lasted longer than the white knight complex. But he didn't want pity. He hated it.
He tried to analyise the data again. Maybe he had the wrong idea? What else were his options? A cruel prank? He doubted it, though it was still an option to consider. What else? "Earth to Rodney!" called someone.
He flinched as that someone put a hand on his arm. "Uh..yes?" he asked, hoping it was enough.
"You okay?" Sam asked concerned. She actually looked it too. Cross out "cruel joke" and "white knight" then. That still left "pity".
"Fine. I guess I might still be tired." he excused easily. That came natural to him.
She frowned but decided to allow him his lie.
He coughed, easing the tightness in his chest enough to be less unconfortable. He could get through this. Just play pretend and get through the evening, then leave to his own comfortable apartment. Yes. This would work.
The pair grinned at the movie, sharing some unspoken joke. They seemed to largely ignore him. He was relieved because it gave him some space but also felt hurt. They really did just pity him! Why should he stay? If they only pitied him. If they didn't even want to speak to him! His angry hurt gave him courage.
Daniel looked worried this time. He couldn't ignore it. "Rodney, you okay?" he asked concerned.
Rodney glared back. "If you don't intend friendship, why put on this show! Why put on this hero act? You want to save me! I garentee that will not work. You want to play hero? Well done. You did that already. Time to come clean! Or is this merely pity? You feel sorry for me. Fine. But don't assume I want that pity! Or maybe this is worse...is this a joke? Lets see how the evil mean McKay can be tricked! Do you want to see me cry? Or maybe you just wanted force me to break down? Appear mentally incompetant?" he accused angrily. Tears spilled from his eyes and he found his chest felt even tighter now. He was distracted from any reply when he found he couldn't breathe.
Oh shit! This was bad. He hated this part. It was terrifying.
He vaguely felt Daniel by his side, muttering words but their meaning was unclear. He flinched when he felt a hand on his back but the fear was quickly overwhelmed by a need to be comforted. So he leaned into Daniel, who allowed it. Clearly he had not taken the angry words to heart.
"Breathe. Just breathe." Daniel said sounding very worried. "Come on Rodney!" he urged. He pressed his face into Rodney's arm, and Rodney felt wetness.
Tears?
Rodney knew he couldn't abandon him now. He found it difficult but he managed to breathe, managed to calm.
He was exhausted and didn't move from his spot on Daniel. He didn't want to. Daniel just held him closer. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I was angry…confused. I didn't mean to. Please don't be angry" he practically whimpered.
Daniel smiled reassuringly. "I know." he said.
Rodney looked at his face, assessing the truth. Daniel looked pale and he had been crying. But he didn't look upset with him. Then he turned to Sam. Sam looked pale and frightened but again, no anger.
So Rodney relaxed, refusing to move. He wasn't keen to sleep though.
"Want to tell me about it?" Daniel asked softly.
"I don't get it. Everyone else does but I don't." he replied quietly. "How is that hard to understand?" he asked sadly.
Daniel frowned but didn't press the topic.
"Everyone hates me. Even if they pretend not to. Worst part is that I can't tell who likes me and who doesn't. Its safer to assume they don't." he continued.
"Not true. You know me and Sam like you, right? We would never trick you. Sheppard too. He seemed to like you straight away. If others refuse to see that, they should feel bad, not you. They are missing out" Daniel assured.
Rodney looked confused again but didn't seem to dismiss the information. "I know you two are not lying. You only cry if you really care, you can't fake that. I cried once." he explained.
"It okay to be confused." he said.
"No. I hurt you because I was confused. Bad kids don't do that." he replied tiredly.
Daniel was angry now, but not at Rodney. Some idiot had put that idea in his head. "Well whoever said that was wrong. You never were and never will be a "bad kid". Its human to get emotional and "hurt" others without thinking. You are only "human". Did you really intend to hurt me?" he said firmly.
Rodney clearly didn't believe him. "I didn't intend to hurt you, but I did." he replied.
"And this person that told you such an absurd thing? Did they ever hurt anyone like that?" he agued.
Rodney frowned then nodded. "Isn't that different?" he asked.
"I don't see why not! What was their excuse?" he asked.
"He didn't mean to hurt me. He didn't mean to hurt mum. He just got so angry when we messed up! It was us that did the messing up so we should learn to act better, then he would never have to get angry" Rodney replied, almost as if reciting something.
Again Daniel felt angry. How could anyone hurt their child?! No wonder Rodney was the way he was! "Well If I have to follow that rule, and you have to, why shouldn't he?" he asked.
"No reason, I suppose." he commented.
"Good. Its a stupid rule anyway" Daniel commented childishly.
He actually laughed at that. Maybe it was!
"You should rest now. I promise I won't move." Daniel assured him. He allowed Rodney to assess his truthfulness before yawning. Soon he had fallen asleep. Sam found a blanket and placed it over them with a fond smile. Soon Daniel was sleeping too. He needed it too.
The morning brought a calmness that was rarely felt by either men.
AN: R and R!
