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I wanted to snuggle further into his embrace, but when I tried my stomach got in the way, so instead I did the opposite.

"It's already 5, do you need to get home to Meredith or Zola, or... Something?" I struggled to find the right words.

I saw through Derek's eyes. He wasn't about to leave me. They weren't swollen or red like mine, but I could feel there was hurt in there. For me, for not telling him sooner, for having to experience this.

"Why don't you go find my car? Mere and I came in separate ones this morning because of Zola. I'm going to finish up here and call her, then we can go get something to eat. Or something."

I went argue, then re considered. He wasn't about To back down. And I wasn't looking to fight at this moment.

"How about The Melting Pot? I haven't been there in a long time." Derek suggested as we made our way away from the hospital.

I felt my head bob forward slightly, repetitively tracing the 4 months sober keychain I had in my jacket pocket.

The last few months had been so hard. I had the people at the practice, which were great. Sheldon helped anyway he could. Jake was great. And the person that truly felt like family I was angry with.

Not because she was a horrible person, or because there was a legitimate reason to be. I was furious because she's family, and the same person that told me my baby had no way to think.

I was still hurt that Ryan died on me. He wanted this, I didn't want a baby. A terminal baby.

It was all too much. I lost Dad, Ryan, now my baby. I hadn't ever loved any guy. Maybe that was a good thing. All the men in my life I care about have died. Except Derek. Derek is in the car, right across from me.

Most days I wanted nothing more than to shove a whole bottle down my throat, but I couldn't do that.

And that made me even more sad. I started out upset every morning realizing that I was one day closer to my baby dying. I got sad every time I wanted a pill. And then I got mad at myself for craving it.

My brain swam around the thoughts all swirling in my head over and over on a constant cycle.

Derek didn't seem to notice I was having a mini breakdown in the car. Every time I got close to tears my fingers tightened around the plastic until they hurt.

"Ams?" I snapped my head in his direction, "are you ready?"

I nodded just then discovering the car was stopped and parked.

He opened the car door for me, and the door, and pulled out my chair. For a second my heart melted at how much he was going out of his way for me.

We hadn't ever really been through anything like this. I mean Dad dying created some unspeakable bond between us. But we had never been super tight.

After we order drinks he finally broke the silence, "I lost my baby."

My mouth gaped open, "when?" This was news to me.

Derek hesitated thousands of emotions passing through his face in seconds, "I was on the operating table, it was after I got shot. The shooter was pointing the gun at Cristina and apparently Meredith jumped in front of it or something. She miscarried around then."

I swallowed the lump in my throat. This was a game changer, "I'm sorry," I managed for him, and now my heart was the one feeling sad for my brother.

He didn't really move to much, "I never even knew she was pregnant, it was pretty early on. But we still aren't sure she can have kids."

"Der. I didn't even know you wanted kids?"

He sighed, "I didn't think I did. But then I met Meredith and then there was Zola. I just wish we could have our own."

"So can she still have them? She's not infertile, right? You can't just give up."

"Oh, no," Derek said, "we aren't giving up at all."

I smirked at his tone. The waitress came to order our meals, "Aw," She nodded at my belly, "When is the baby due? I just had mine three months ago."

Really, did you have to go there, "August 23rd," I said sharply not offer a smile.

My hand had instinctively shot to my belly but I quickly moved it.

"We are here to talk about you." The voice said soft and gentle from the other side of the table.

I bowed my head slightly, "I'd rather not."

And then, Derek being Derek, "So you really haven't done any drugs?"

I rolled my eyes, "Yes Derek, you want some pills I've been hiding?" I said under my breath; dramatically rolling my eyes. I pulled the four month label out, "No, in two days it will be five months."

He breathed out in relief, "I'm sorry, I just had to ask."

"I really wish you didn't," I mumbled picking at my nail. I felt very unlike myself right now. I just wanted him to quit looking at me with all that pity.

"If I take drugs, My baby can't help people," I chose to say.

"What do you mean?" He asked curiously, although I think the pieces were starting to connect in his mind.

"I'm donating my baby's organs."

"You can do that? Addison is okay with it?" He wondered.

"Oh, Addie isn't my OB. Someone else named Jake is," I said matter of factly.

"Uh?" His jaw about dropped, eyes boring into mine.

I took a deep breath, "Addison adopted a baby. A really cute little baby named Henry," my gaze had once again returned to the fingers in my lap, "I-uh, I just can't deal with it all. I kinda need to hate someone right now."

"It's not really fair to let Addison be your punching bag. She has a right to be happy," He steered the conversation carefully.

I nodded, "I know, but it's hard enough to make it through the day and trying to be with her and that baby attached to her hip makes it impossible."

I felt Derek nod without looking up, "what helps?"

"You know the answer to that," I replied shortly, then added, "Nothing really helps."

"You think the right choice is to give your baby's organs up?"

I hesitated on this one. I knew that it's what I wanted but it was controversial in the medical field and I didn't know Derek's stance on it. "What do you think?"

"I think there's a four year boy on the peds floor waiting for a kidney. And a three year old that needs a skin graph. Your baby could help people."

"So I'm doing the right thing, for once," Derek supported this. There wasn't a lot that I did that he actually was pleased with. I was flooded with emotions and almost groaned when I felt the tears prick my eyes.

I felt his hand reach across and find mine, " I love you, Ams. I know I don't say that too often, but I really do. Snd I'm here for you; whatever you need."

I bit my lip but more spilled over. We reached out to give each other a hug simultaneously.

"I uh," I paused, "can you please not tell anyone. I just don't want to have to go into all of that when I see people. So just say I came to town to visit. I mean I guess if you want to tell Meredith that's okay, but just other people..."

He nodded in understanding. "Are you staying tonight?"

I nodded.

"Okay, we'll maybe if my schedule is light enough I can find a time we can meet."

"My plan leaves at 5."

"Alright," By now we were heading to the car. And in that moment I didn't feel anything. No pain, anger, sadness, misery. For the first time in close to a year I was content.