Home is where the heart is.
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG1 or Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters or other property. I write only to entertain not never make profit from this work or any of my other works.
Pairings: Rodney/ Sheppard friendship, Sam/Rodney friendship, Daniel/ Rodney friendship, SG1/AR1 friendship,
Warnings: suicide, self harm, depression.
AN: AU version of The Return (Season 3, Ep 10)
START
Rodney wrapped John's jacket around him, breathing in his friends scent. It was comforting. It was a reminder he was not totally alone. Sure he had Sam and Daniel. Even Hammond seemed to warm to him. Maybe he just felt sorry for him.
Still even having Elizabeth and Zelenka was something. But it was not the same.
His "team" was split. Even worse, he had no way of contacting the team he left behind. Of course "team" was not strong enough a word. They had become brothers and sisters – the unlikely warrior and hero (himself), his even more unlikely friend, the tough older brother (of course that was Ronon), and the terrifying sister (Teyla). They were family. They were merely one, a strong whole made up of stronger units. Together they were...what was more than family? Could human words even express such a bond?
Probably not.
He was missing them.
Even John had been gone these last few days...of course such a capable leader had been given a team. And important missions. That was the way of things. Even he had been scheduled to work again in his older posts of top secret research. Area 51 and the like.
Could he still do it? Physically of course, it would be mere child's play after his Atlantis work. Atlantis was one of the few places he had actually needed to think, where he had been genuinely unsure of the answers. Where he had felt genuine elation at his discoveries…
Now he would be bored. That was a fate worse than death. Even projects on alien artefacts would bore him eventually. Was this the limit of what the world could offer him? The extent of knowledge? That was truly depressing.
Maybe he could play soldier again? Though in the eyes of the SGC, he was a scientist. Only John had seen differently, with Elizabeth finding out along the way. But he was "too important to risk". He had heard it before. To the SGC he was merely a tool. Hammond made him feel like he was useful as a person, but to the government that gave him his orders? He was just a tool.
So without his career what was his life goal? Sure he could stay and be bored. He could go private and make millions. He was sure his email was full of offers by now. It usually was.
That would not fulfil him. Working with his team had been different. He had struggled to adjust (resulting in quite a few fights with Sheppard) but he had accepted he was a unit now, not an individual. He had learned to play fair with others. He discovered that they had his back. That they supported him. They listened and did what he asked. Hell, even the Atlantis marines had listened. Usually military types laughed at him, until he flashed his clearance badge or their own leaders told them off harshly. Then they did so out of resentment. Occasionally "accidents" happened that couldn't possibly be the soldiers fault!
His team...Atlantis...Elizabeth...it had all been different. They were his friends. Something he rarely said. They were his family. That was something he had not understood before Atlantis.
To be honest? He didn't know what to do, what he should feel, what he should think or where his Earth days should be spent. That was unsettling. He was so sure. Now, he felt fragile, like glass or like a mere child.
Someone was speaking to him...Elizabeth was looking at him strangely. "Maybe you should see MacKenzie?" she offered.
He glared back. He didn't need words. None of the Atlantis crew needed words. The closest of them could use a mere glance and it was more than words could even say. Like the way Zelenka's eyes would flit ever so briefly to his own, it meant that Zelenka had something but needed his help to fully form the idea. To smooth the kinks. To take it from amazing to truly brilliant. Or the was the marines would ever so slightly nod to him in the halls, a silent salute to his deeds saving their lives.
Now the look was saying: I'll sort this on my own.
And he would, one way or another. With that he left.
He heard the former leader of Atlantis sigh. Fine you stubborn man, but don't take too much time. We still need you.
Heightmeyer hovered nervously, frowning. Her eyes flickered over to Elizabeth's. Are you sure leaving him alone is the right idea?
Elizabeth frowned, looking to the floor, before her confidence returned to her eyes again. Nope, but I hope so!
She spotted Sheppard leaving in the same direction. "John? Can you -" she was cut off.
"-check on him? Where else would I be going?" he said as if it was obvious. He rolled his eyes, taking his leave.
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John searched the halls, finding only SGC personnel. Still he followed some vague sense of direction that seemed right. Like a blood hound following a scent, though what "scent" he was following was not entirely clear. When he stopped outside Daniel's office, he heard sobbing. Rodney.
He didn't bother knocking, startling the two men. Rodney relaxed when he saw who it was.
Rodney was crying openly, Daniel at his side offering comforts. The pair had been talking it seemed. John quickly took his spot next to Rodney. He smiled seeing Rodney still in his jacket.
"Did you ever lose anyone? Not like a parent" Rodney said offhandedly. "Someone that mattered" he finished sincerely.
"Of course, we all have here. Its part of the job."Daniel replied, forgetting the remark on parents for a moment.
"Yeah" John agreed stiffly.
"Did you ever want to be with them again?" Rodney asked wistfully.
John felt his insides freeze. Rodney wouldn't...would he? Would he "join those he lost"?
Daniel smiled softly. "Yeah, quite often when I lost my wife. And then her son. My son." he admitted softly.
"Why didn't you?" Rodney asked, sounding far away.
"Er...not sure exactly. Mostly Jack. He refused to leave me alone. I was angry with him of course. He just kept cooking for me and watching me sleep. Pretty sure most of the food was thrown at him instead. Still by the end of it." Daniel shrugged.
"Not Sam or T'ealc?"
"Sam mostly just cried and wouldn't let me go. T'ealc would say his strange sayings. Sounded like riddles most of the time." Daniel said shrugging again.
"It worked?"
"Yeah" Daniel sounded greatful now. "What about you?"
Rodney looked uncertain, painfully so. "I don't know. I just don't know!" he exclaimed frustratedly. Daniel seemed to predict this, simply muttering "I know."
Rodney giggled, startling John and certainly worrying him!
"Why don't you try sleeping?" Daniel asked, managing to keep the concern from his voice.
"Can't" Rodney muttered stubbornly.
"Why don't you try? I'm sure you can now." Daniel said gently, before turning to John. "Take him to his quarters." he said softly, though worried.
AN: R and R as usual. Next chapter soon.
