He is gone. Really, truly gone. He will not return like he always did even when he swore he won't. His absence has leeched me of my very essence. It feels like my soul has taken off with him and I am just left with the empty shell of a body. Running on auto-pilot. Wake up, brush, piss, bath, eat, drive to work, stare at files, drive back from work, go off to sleep. It is so exhausting it makes me want to break down crying. I am tired of pretending everything is normal. Yes, it's been months, almost a year, since his…absence but it's still a gaping wound inside of me that bleeds raw.
No, I don't think he would have liked to see me like this but dammit he isn't here to tell me that so I'll handle it the best I can. The only reason I am still trying, the only reason I still exist can be summed up in two words. Rose. Hugo. They are the anchor that keeps pulling me back from the brink of despair. From drowning in the waves of hopelessness that crash over me, smothering, choking, suffocating, till just breathing seemed like another Everest to climb. I don't know how I will keep going like this. I need him. He is elemental to my existence. I wish I would wake up from all this and find I'd just been trapped in a nightmare. I wish he would come back.
Just another day, just another day, just another day...
