~Headcanon of the Week~
Patchouli and Remilia first met each other at a mob cap convention. Yukari was there, too.
~Chapter Two: This is a Pretty Average Day for Marisa~
"MASTER SPARK!"
Marisa's mini-hakkero glowed white-hot. A beam of pure energy lanced out over the swamp, sending a shower of murky, steaming water and burnt reeds high into the air. A wall of sound and heat blasted over Marisa, bringing with it the warm, earthy smell of burnt peat.
Marisa waited a few seconds before stepping gingerly onto the blackened mud. It felt hard, so, just to make sure, she jumped, her shoes thumping down upon rock-solid earth.
You've outdone yourself this time, you incredibly beautiful sorceress! Those mushrooms are as good as mine!
...Wait, if I'm the one who's outdone myself, how come you get the mushrooms?
It was a figure of speech, you twit. You're me.
Oh, yeah. Right.
Chuckling away to herself, Marisa trotted across the baked swamp. She felt elated. The incredibly rare Quicksand Agaric, only found in marshes where over a thousand reckless travellers had drowned, was finally within her grasp.
As the young witch trudged home, covered in thick, slimy, foul-smelling mud from head to toe, she was certain it had been worth it. She'd only found three Quicksand Agarics, but, if she ground them up properly, they'd be enough for a whole year's worth of invisibility potions.
"Just imagine the look on Patchouli's face...!" Marisa giggled, trotting around the last corner before her ramshackle bungalow.
"What look on my face?"
Marisa screamed, then clamped her hands over her mouth and tried to pretend she hadn't screamed. A few seconds later, she removed her hands, spitting out a mouthful of mud.
"Well? What look?" asked Patchouli, her face currently wearing an expectant, slightly amused expression. She was standing right outside the door, a moderately disgruntled Meiling by her side. Astounded, Marisa stared at Patchouli, then at Meiling, then down at the rusty green wheelbarrow the Chinese redhead was holding, and finally at the sack full of hard rectangular objects resting inside the wheelbarrow.
"What- what's this? I mean... why? Wherefore?"
"I've brought you a present," Patchouli smiled, hefting the sack and depositing it heavily at Marisa's feet. "I had a pile of books I wasn't really reading any more, and I thought "You know what? I'll bet my dear friend Marisa would love these!", so I brought them over."
"I brought them over," Meiling muttered.
Patchouli's smile was so friendly and open that Marisa couldn't believe a word she was saying. "You're... giving me books? Like, for free?!"
"Mm-hmm."
"But... but..."
"Oh, don't worry about it. I've got plenty," Patchouli insisted. "I just want to share the joy of reading with my bestest-ever friend!"
"Riiiiiight... Listen, it's very kind of you, but-"
Patchouli's smile disappeared. "D-don't you want my present? Have I... have I upset you in some way? Oh, please say I haven't!" Tears welled up around Patchouli's big, wide, dewy eyes. "Oh, Marisa, I-I'm so sorry! I n-never meant to hurt you or- or-"
"No, no, it's fine! It's fine! I think it's a wonderful present!" cried Marisa, taking hold of Patchouli's trembling hands. "You know I'll always be your friend. I won't ever abandon you or look your gifts in the mouth."
"You... you mean that?" Patchouli sniffled. "So you'll take the books?"
"Of course."
"Yaaaay! I wuv you, Mawisa. I wuv you so, so much!" Patchouli squealed, wrapping Marisa in a soft, warm, loving embrace. The mud was no issue; after she found herself gathering dust during one of her month-long reading binges, Patchouli had enchanted her robes to resist all kinds of dirt.
"S-sure..." said Marisa weakly.
"I'll leave you to it, then. Bye-eeeee!"
Patchouli was off like a shot, kicking up an almighty dust cloud as she took to the air, holding her hat on with both hands. Meiling breathed a deep, heartfelt sigh, hefted the wheelbarrow and soared away after her, not for one second meeting Marisa's gaze.
Marisa fell to her knees, exhausted. That had been crazy. Completely, utterly crazy. There was no other word for it. Patchouli, a complete loner with asthma and severe anaemia, had flown all the way to the Forest of Magic to bring her most hated enemy a heavy wheelbarrow full of the books she so jealously guarded. (Meiling had done all the hard work, but still.) Had the world turned upside-down? Was this some kind of joke? Was a flock of pigs soaring through ice-cold Hell, which had recently been conquered by the mighty and highly intelligent Cirno? Or was Patchouli planning something sinister?
Well, before she dealt with any of that, she needed to get the books inside and take a bath. Several baths. If she ever got rid of the smell, she'd count herself lucky.
"Ugghhhhh..." Marisa groaned, forcing her leaden eyelids apart. The light filtering through the half-drawn curtains was beginning to set her eye-sockets on fire. God almighty, how many baths had she taken last night? Four? Five? Two of which were in her clothes? Well, at least she felt clean. Had she really blown through a whole bottle of bubble bath? And had she really used beer for shampoo and invited Alice 'round for a game of charades? And didn't they end up having a bath together?!
Best. Night. Ever.
As Marisa propped herself up on her elbows, she realised she was wearing her bathrobe. The thick, lumpy fabric dug into her elbows, forcing her to sit up in earnest. Once there, she realised she might as well be standing up, so she stood.
Marisa wandered into the kitchen, vague plans for breakfast forming in her head. Chinese pancakes, maybe? Reaching over the still-snoozing Alice, who was curled up on the dining table amid empty bottles and dishes, Marisa retrieved her recipe book. Let's see, now... Chinese melon soup, Chinese mung bean stew, Chinese panca-
"Alice! You're still here!" Marisa's recipe book fell to the floor as her brain finally caught up with her eyes.
Alice's eyes fluttered open. Yawning magnificently, she sat up, sending the salt cellar and a few empty mugs crashing onto the floorboards. "'Morning, Marisa."
"I... I thought you went home."
"Well, I, um..." Alice's brow furrowed. "Didn't."
A few memories were resurfacing. Marisa had never realised quite what an enthusiastic bather Alice was. She'd covered herself in soap, scrubbed herself until she gleamed and even given some of her dolls a wash in the sink. It was amazing. Such a quiet, gentle woman, but once she was in the bath...!
"Wanna stay for breakfast?"
"I'd love to!"
"Okay, then! Uh, could you get your feet out of the flour?"
Alice lifted her feet off the half-full sack of flour. "Since when did you keep your flour on the floor?"
"Since I ran out of space in the cupboard," Marisa explained, lifting the sack. "How do Chinese pancakes sound?"
"I... I don't know. It depends on what you do with them, I suppose."
Marisa stopped in mid-frying-pan-retrieval. "You what?"
"Well, if you drop them on the floor, they sort of go splat. If you bash them against each other, though, they'd make more of a... flump?"
Ignoring the other witch, Marisa turned her attention firmly to her cooking. Let's see, now, she needed some boiling water to start with...
"MASTER SPARK!"
"Mmm! I've gotta hand it to the Chineshe. They make the besht pancakesh ever!" Marisa gushed, her voice distorted by a mouthful of soft, warm, savoury, buttery deliciousness.
"You certainly know how to cook," said Alice faintly. All those Master Sparks had dazzled her so badly she could barely tell the pancakes from the plate.
"Have you got enough there?"
"More than enough. I usually just have a bowl of-"
"No worries!" said Marisa breezily, plucking a pancake from Alice's plate. "They are quite filling, aren't they?"
"I guess..."
"That'sh 'caush they're made wif love," Marisa explained, merrily chowing down.
"I guess..."
As soon as she finished her Chinese pancakes, Marisa leapt to her feet. "Okay, now I've got something to show you that'll blow your mind!"
"You have?" said Alice, quickly scoffing down what remained of her breakfast in case Marisa got any more ideas.
"Yep. A sack of books, generously donated by Patchouli!"
Alice's eyebrows climbed several miles up the sheer face of her forehead. "Donated?"
"No, really! She made Meiling lug them all the way over here!"
"You're kidding!"
Marisa grabbed the sack, which was slung on top of a pile of clothes, toys, furniture and the occasional pizza box. "Patchie's crazy in love with me me. Her poor heart just can't handle it," she explained and/or fantasised, depositing the sack on the table. The table shuddered and groaned. Alice's plate was sent flying.
Ignoring Alice's protests, Marisa opened up the sack and retrieved a book. Grinning from ear to ear, she shoved it under her neighbour's nose. "Well?! Is this a book or what?!"
"It's... um..." Alice found herself slightly underwhelmed. Sure, it was a book. It had pages, a cover, a title; "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Start Eating", by Yuyuko Saigyouji. It was the little round holes going clean through the book that disappointed her so.
"Marisa... There are holes in this book."
"Don't be silly! How can a book have-" Marisa's voice seemed to catch in her throat as she glanced down at the holey book.
"You said Patchouli gave them to you, right? I'm guessing that'd be the giant woodworm," said Alice, with an apologetic smile.
Marisa was at a loss for words. Holes? In a book? But Patchie loved her books. Marisa reached into the sack and pulled out a couple more books, hardly daring to look at them. She dared, though, and her fears were confirmed: one was riddled with holes, drilled clean through the paper, and the other was nothing but a flimsy frame of paper and leather around a massive hole.
"Well, paper's made of wood, so I guess woodworm could eat it," said Marisa, in a small voice. "But I... How could she miss-?!"
Then it hit her. Patchouli. That stupid daughter of a mongoose had known all along.
"I'm gonna kill her," Marisa growled. How could Patchouli do this to her? After all the years they'd known each other, all the books she'd borrowed-
Ahem.
She couldn't let herself waste time thinking about it. Patchouli had betrayed her, and would be punished severely.
"I gotta go. Take care of the dishes, would you?" Marisa declared, storming off to get her broom.
"In your bathrobe?!"
Marisa paused in mid-storm-off. "I, uh... Have you seen my clothes anywhere?"
"Well... wouldn't they be in the wardrobe?"
Marisa snorted. "Too mainstream. I keep my clothes in an old sea chest."
"They'd be in there, then," Alice reasoned.
"I know. Stop patronising me!" Marisa snapped, resuming her offward stormification.
The rushing air flattened Marisa's dress against, well, everywhere. She never normally wore such baggy garb on her broom, but it was her only black-and-white outfit not drying after the night before. She'd faced a serious dilemma in the hat department: should she wear her old purple hat and be laughed out of town, or go bareheaded and look like she hadn't made an effort? The purple hat had eventually won out, given how cold her head got when she was flying, but it was close. She had her spare combat boots, too, which was a plus.
The sea of blurring green down below soon gave way to an island of lighter green. A wide, soft hill rose up out of the forest. the Scarlet Devil Mansion perched proudly atop the hill like a fifteenth-century gothic mohawk on a very large head. Marisa felt a thrill of excitement rush through her veins. How long was it since her last proper duel with Patchouli? Months, probably. This was going to be fun!
A stream of bullets arced up into the sky, glowing in all the colours of the rainbow. Marisa's eyes widened as she swerved out of the way. Of course, she'd have to get past Meiling before she could give Patchouli a pasting, and the gatekeeper's aim seemed to be getting better.
Marisa pulled her hat firmly past her brow and grabbed her mini-hakkero. If Meiling wanted to play, she wouldn't be caught with her bloomers down. It was on.
A barrage of glowing white bullets tore through the sky, closely followed by a severely battered Meiling. Marisa slammed on the brakes, her broom shuddering as it screeched to a halt. It was off.
"Hey, what's going on?!" Marisa called, floating down to Meiling.
"Guess," Meiling scowled, forcing her battered body to stand. "If you want to help, feel free, but-" the gatekeeper's eyes widened with horror. "Look out!"
"What-?!" Marisa had barely had time to utter than word when the first missile smashed into the ground. The explosion sent Marisa tumbling down the hill, clutching desparately to her broom while shards of red-hot ivory rained down all over her.
"Marisa? Hello?!"
Reimu's fist sent flecks of peeling paint fluttering on the breeze as she pounded on the door. Her arm had mostly recovered, but Marisa's nonattendance wasn't making it any easier.
"Come on, Marisa, open the bloody door!" Reimu shouted, pounding merrily away. "This is no time for a lie-in! We've got a walrus-faced terracottavore of death to deal with!"
Still there came no reply. Reimu groaned. Had she just missed her? That would be just typical. Genjii was safe and comfortable at least, but she couldn't just abandon all her responsibilities and join him.
...Could she?
No, no. Marisa had left a window open and Reimu could fly. Hopefully she'd understand.
Marisa rose awkwardly to her feet. Nothing seemed to be broken, but the lion's share of her hurt like Hell. "What's happening, China?!"
"Guess! And don't call me that!" snapped Meiling.
"Well, I, uh... Someone's attacking your mansion?"
"Precisely."
"You could've just told me that, y'know..."
"It's more fun if you guess, though, isn't it?"
"I suppose," Marisa smiled. For the first time since Meiling had been sent flying past her, she had a good chance to see what was going on. A short way up the hill, the tall iron gates lay bent and broken in a pile of shattered red bricks. Kind of pointless, considering the attacker could fly. Borne aloft by a sturdy pair of leathery wings, she was drifting down towards Marisa and Meiling with a foot-long bicuspid in each hand.
"Those are some pretty weird bullets."
"Wait 'till you see her face," Meiling advised.
Marisa squinted at the oncoming creature, a brawny youkai in beige trousers and a dingy white vest. She could just make out a pointy white object on the woman's face, perhaps a small icicle dangling from her nose. No, that was no icicle. It was a tooth. A long, twisted spike of ivory like a narwhal's tusk, as long as a pencil and twice as thick. And twelve times as pointy.
Marisa burst out laughing. As the narwhal woman alighted with a heavy thud, Marisa doubled over, trying her hardest not to split her sides. Tusks like that were all right for narwhals, but on a human? ...Oid? Whatever? No way!
The narwhal woman was not impressed. "Is this scrawny little wretch supposed to be Marisa Kirisame? Her, grovelling in fear while pretending to laugh at me?! She can't even colour-coordinate her outfit properly!"
"The one and only!" Marisa confirmed, taking a break between guffaws. "All my black hats are in the wash. I don't wanna talk about it. Anyway, who are you?"
"I am the great and mighty Naruwaru Agohaka of the Agohaka Sisters! My tusk has pierced the hearts of gods, I have devoured ten thousand warriors, and I have-"
"Naruwaru?! You mean like the stereotypical Japanese mispronunciation of "narwhal"?! Oh my god, that's priceless!" Her break over, Marisa fell flat on her face and pummelled the ground, helpless with mirth.
Screaming with rage, Naruwaru hurled her tooth-missiles at the witch and gatekeeper. Meiling grabbed Marisa roughly by the collar and yanked her out of the way. A wall of fire and shards of ivory rushed over them, forcing Meiling down to her knees, one arm crossed over her heart and the other still clutching Marisa.
"Did- did you see that?!" cried Marisa, her mouth agape. "Such power! I bet she could-"
"Kill us?" Meiling offered.
"Well, y'know-"
"Get moving!" snapped Meiling, launching herself into the air.
Seeing the wisdom in Meiling's words, Marisa mounted her broom and soared off after her. This was going to be fun. How should she play it? She had a partner in Meiling, so she could afford to take it easy for the first couple of rounds, gauge Naruwaru's strength and stuff. If she had to, she could break out the big guns later, once Meiling was out for the count. She was still going to break in and kick Patchouli's hairy caboose into next week, after all; this was just a warm-up.
"Meiling, old buddy, I'm behind you all the way!" Marisa reassured the gatekeeper. "How shall we do this? Double-pronged attack? Full-frontal assault, or maybe-"
"Maw of Death!" Naruwaru roared, launching a cluster of tooth-bullets at Marisa.
"RUN!" Meiling suggested, soaring far out of the way.
"Run, huh? Interesting strategy. Simple, but effective. I like it. Let's go!" Marisa agreed.
Before she could move, the cluster of teeth exploded out into an almighty barrage, surrounding her in less than a second. The teeth were pointing right at her on all sides, packed way too close together. There was no way she'd get through that kind of barrier without her heart taking at least one hit. This was completely unfair! If Reimu ever found out about this blatant breach of spellcard rules, she'd go spare.
The teeth closed in. Marisa shot forwards, curling up as tight as she could to minimise her bullet exposure, and smashed through the barrier. Glowing teeth glanced off her skin and clothes, knocking her hat into off into the blue yonder. Three teeth tore through her heart, making her howl with pain.
"Isn't curling up like that against the rules?" Meiling pointed out, drawing up beside Marisa.
"I don't think Narwhal-Face knows the rules. If she's gonna cheat, then so am I," Marisa growled.
"Good point, well made."
"Bone Dragon of the Netherworld!" Naruwaru roared, throwing back her head and raising her hands to the sky. With a blinding flash of light, a reptilian skull formed in the air above Naruwaru, each jaw as big as a stepladder and bristling with huge, razor-sharp teeth. The bone dragon's spine soon followed, tapering down to slender, whip-like tail lined with blades. The dragon had no wings, but its six arms more than made up for it, crowned as they were by long, grasping claws.
"Nice. Really badass," Marisa commented, her righteous anger instantly forgotten.
"Fly, my pretty! Devour their flesh and feast upon their souls!" Naruwaru roared, thrusting her hand towards Marisa and Meiling.
"Now, that's a bit much..." said Marisa unsurely.
As the bone dragon surged towards them, bellowing as if it had risen from the very jaws of Hell, Meiling did not flinch. "You deal with her "pretty". I'll take out the source."
"...Okay." Marisa retrieved a well-thumbed spellcard. "Oi, ugly, get a load of this! Love Storm: Starlight Typhoon! GO!"
It was on again, except with a different target this time around.
Three glowing balls of light formed around Marisa's outstretched hand. Her hakkero glowed red-hot as its power flowed into the orbs, setting them ablaze with light. A ray of pure energy lanced out from each orb, charring the dragon's bones as it swerved to avoid the attack. It was only lightly toasted, though, and Marisa knew this was going to be a serious fight. Her favourite kind. Beads of sweat rolled down Marisa's face, both from the effort and the heat, as she challened all the power her hakkero could give her. The orbs swooped slowly through the air, their lasers sweeping across the sky to catch the weaving bone dragon.
The dragon inhaled, ducked nimbly under a laser and expectorated a blast of blue fire. Marisa dove out of the way, wincing as the balefire singed her dress and set her broom smouldering. Screwing her eyes shut in concentration, she hurled a barrage of rainbow-coloured stars at the dragon. Most of the bullets passed harmlessly over its spine, but a few hit home, peppering its skill with love-coloured pain. Furious, the bone dragon soared high into the air, faster than Marisa's lasers could follow.
Meiling, meanwhile, had managed to get to the root of the matter.
"Take this, you ginger cow!" Naruwaru roared, drawing back her fist and aiming it at Meiling's face.
Meiling jinked sideways, then retorted with a lightning-fast punch to the neck. Naruwaru fell back with a pained grunt. Meiling tore into Naruwaru with all the strength and speed she could muster, layering punch upon kick on every part of her enemy she could reach.
Naruwaru lashed out with all her strength, strength enough to break Meiling in half used correctly. If used correctly, which Meiling wasn't making easy.
Tiring of the fight, Naruwaru somersaulted back a few metres. Razor-sharp teeth materialised around her clenched fists.
Meiling's eyes narrowed. This was cheating, to be sure, but it wouldn't do any good.
Naruwaru struck like a pouncing lion. Meiling batted the punch aside with a swift elbow-strike before kicking Naruwaru soundly in the shins. Grimmacing, the walrus-tusked youkai fell down on one knee, her tooth-bullet-knuckledusters popping out of existence. Perfect. Meiling's qi flowed into her right foot, glowing all the colours of the rainbow, and the gatekeeper launched a blinding-fast kick at her enemy's face.
Naruwaru raised her head a little.
Meiling screamed in agony as her foot speared itself on Naruwaru's tusk. Grinning savagely (inasmuch as she could grin under these circumstances), Naruwaru rose to her feet, holding Meiling's ankle in an iron grip. "Had enough yet, you cut-price Chinese knockoff?"
"Enough?!" Meiling gasped, fighting desperately to keep her focus through the pain. "I'd had enough of you before I even met you! You're going down!"
Naruwaru laughed, then cried out as Meiling's other foot slammed into her stomach, sending her tumbling back into the rubble and twisted metal, her tusk pulled sharply from her enemy's foot.
"I get the impression you didn't hear me the first time, narwhal," Meiling growled. Standing tall and proud despite the agony in her foot, she raised her hand, an aurora of rainbow light playing around her fingers. "You. May. Not. Enter."
The bone dragon's blazing jaws closed around Meiling's torso. Pain exploded inside her as the beast chomped with all its might.
"Aaaaaargh! Marisa, I told you to deal with it!" Meiling's vision was fading, but she would be hard-pressed to cut such a notorious thief any slack.
"Hey, I'm doing my best!" Marisa retorted. "Don't you dare eat her, you brute! I'll destroy you if it's the last thing I do!"
The bone dragon was beginning to show some cracks, wisps of dark blue fire flowing from the scars Marisa's assault had left, but it was still strong enough to fight. Obviously.
Naruwaru rose to her feet, laughing raucously. "What are you going to do now, weakling?!"
Marisa did not hesitate for a second. "Magicannon: FINAL MASTER SPARK!"
In a vast, darkened corridor, flanked by vaulted ceilings and surrounded by dull red lamps, Hakiba Agohaka was having the time of her life. Although her face was impassive, a light shone in her eyes as she summoned yet another set of tooth-discs. This time, they were solid discs of fused ivory; much more practical than rings of bullets. With every passing day, she and her sisters were learning new things, uncovering powers they'd thought lost forever. Freedom was the greatest feeling of all!
Even so, the scrawny brat with the stupid mob cap was still on her feet, leaning heavily on her crimson spear. Some people just didn't know when to give up.
"Aren't you getting tired, Remilia? We've been at it for ten minutes already."
"N-never! I am the Scarlet Devil, daughter of... of the great Dracula himself, and- and I do not get tired. Of fighting. And stuff. I will never surrender!"
The girl leapt into the air, her pathetic excuses for wings somehow beating hard enough to keep her aloft. With what she must've thought was a fearsome battle-cry, Remilia unleashed a barrage of massive red orbs, countless smaller bullets fanning out in their wake. Hakiba dodged effortlessly to the right, weaving nimbly around the few bullets that could reach her, and threw her discs.
Remilia launched herself up over the first disc, the second one lacerating her shins as she swerved desperately to avoid the third disc, which brought her right into the path of the fourth disc. Lashing out with Gungnir, she managed to deflect the disc a little, but the spear was knocked out of her grip and sent clattering to the floor. The disc quickly got its bearings and swooped round for a second pass. Remilia gulped. Hakiba fired a barrage of teeth, just a simple stream of her best and fastest bullets. Remilia gulped harder, swung around past the disc and ran for it, careening down the corridor. The kitchen was just half a kilometre away; if she could get to Sakuya before-
"Gotcha!" Hakiba triumphantly declared, grabbing Remilia by the ankle. Remilia screamed, slapping her desperately in the face, only to find herself being swung around like a noisemaker and slammed into the floor.
"You've got to face facts, so-called Scarlet so-called Devil. I have you outclassed in every way. I beat Reimu last night. I'm bigger than you, I'm stronger, I've got better fangs, I've got more sisters. You can't hope to defeat me," said Hakiba matter-of-factly, hoisting Remilia up by the hair. "Are you ready to concede defeat yet, or do I need to eat you?"
"I...!" Tears were rolling down Remilia's scarlet face. "I hate you! You're mean and horrible and nasty and ugly and your breath stinks!"
Hakiba's smile faded. "Didn't your parents ever teach you any manners?"
"Didn't yours teach you not to go around eating mansions and bullying innocent vampires?!"
"Oh, shut up." Hakiba released Remilia's hair, letting her flop limply onto the floor. "I think I shall roast your legs and make your body into a pie. As for your wings, they're a bit limp and scrawny, but they should make some pretty good yakitori. I'll need a cookbook, of course-"
"Well, there's no way I'm going to lend you mine."
Remilia felt as if she might sob with relief, but she'd already used up all her tears. "Sakuya! Oh, Sakuya, you came for me!"
"Indeed I did, and not a moment too soon," said Sakuya calmly. The maid cast her gaze over Hakiba, contemplated the situation for a few seconds, and snapped her fingers. Before she could blink, Remilia was snuggled up under a warm blanket with a mug of hot chocolate. Patchouli and Flandre stood at Sakuya's sides, looking about themselves in amazement.
"There has been a minor incident. I took the liberty of stopping time and conveying you here to help me see to it," Sakuya explained. "This dazed-looking woman with large teeth has been attacking the mistress."
Flandre gasped. "How could she?!"
"I... I, um..." Hakiba shook her head as if to clear it of stray thoughts. "You're Flandre, correct? And you in the pyjamas are Patchouli Knowledge. And you, the temporal maid, must be Sakuya Izayoi."
"How flattering it is that you recognise us," said Patchouli grumpily. "Sakuya, I trust that you did not lose my place in my book?"
For a split second, Sakuya's eyes widened.
"Thought not..." Patchouli sighed.
"It's not important right now. Attack!" Sakuya decided, hurling a handful of knives at Hakiba. Flandre followed her with sizzling blasts of crimson magic, boxing her in just enough for Patchouli to nail her with a lance of boiling water.
Hakiba screwed shut her eyes, summoning as many bullets as she could muster. The lance of boiling water splashed harmlessly against her whirling shield of teeth.
"Oh, come on!" Patchouli groaned.
Hakiba smirked. "I won't go down that easily, and my sister should be finished with your useless gate guardian any minute now. We're going to eat Gensokyo, starting with your mansion, and there's nothing you can do to stop us."
A wall of light and sound exploded through the wall. Hakiba's eyes went as wide as saucers. She dove desperately to the side, only to receive a charred, battered Naruwaru to the face as Marisa final spark blazed through the mansion, turning the bricks to molten rock and the floorboards to ash in an instant.
Marisa was used to master sparks by now, so her eyesight was the first to recover. She shot forwards, grabbing Meiling as she fell from the shattered bone dragon's jaws, and floated slowly down through the hole in the mansion. The gang were all there, it seemed, staring in amazement at the unconscious Naruwaru: Flandre, Patchouli, Sakuya and Remilia, plus a few of the braver fairy maids. And who was that other woman lying in a heap under Naruwaru? A relative, judging by her ludicrous teeth.
Marisa soon became aware that everyone except Flandre was staring at her. "Uh, hi, everyone! I was just popping 'round for a visit and I saw this crazy narwhal woman attacking Meiling, so I had to intervene."
"I knew there was a reason we kept her around!" one of the fairies cried.
"Shut up," Sakuya advised her.
"So, uh, what's up with the toothy ladies?" asked Marisa, carelessly dumping Meiling at Sakuya's feet.
"They were sealed away for over a thousand years, and now they want to devour Gensokyo," Remilia explained. "That's all we know."
"Meiling! Oh, Meiling, speak to me!" cried Sakuya, desperately fanning Meiling with her skirt.
"Devour Gensokyo, huh? That's a tall order. I usually just have a massive omelette and fill in the gaps with rice," said Marisa blithely.
"It's no joke, Kirisame! The walrus almost came close to defeating me! Me, the Scarlet Devil, Dread Queen of the Night, daughter of Dracula, with the power to tear asunder the very heart of the world if I could be bothered! She... she stole something from me, Marisa. My strength. My soul. If she should come after you-"
"Yeah, yeah, done listening. Shouldn't we tie them up or something?" Marisa suggested.
"Just what I was about to propose. Sakuya! Tie up the intruders," Remilia ordered, determined not to let Marisa wrongfoot her.
"At once, milady." Sakuya turned to the crowd of fairy maids. "If you've quite finished gawping, tie up the intruders at once."
"Flandre! Tie up these meddling brats!" one of the fairies ordered in a posh, imperious Sakuya impression. All the others turned to her, amazed and terrified.
"Okey-dokey," said Flandre breezily, skipping away to get some tying-up equipment. "D'you think we'll need those orichalcum shackles?"
"Certainly. Good thinking," Sakuya smiled, pausing in the act of spanking the fairy senseless.
Flandre had been gone a few minutes when Sakuya broke out the salted peanuts.
"We've got to keep our strength up. Flandre's the most powerful of us, and, because somebody sent her off for the orichalcum shackles, it falls to us to keep these two under guard," she explained, pouring Remilia a handful of peanuts.
"Or in layman's terms, you've got the munchies," Marisa grinned.
"Do you want some or not?"
Marisa stopped giggling.
"Good answer," said Sakuya, doling out Marisa's share.
They nibbled in silence, save for Patchouli inhaling a peanut and embarking on the most terrible coughing fit of her life.
"Why me?" the seven-day mage whimpered. "First all my books get eaten by woodworm, then the mansion gets invaded, then I-"
"Hey, wait a minute! That's why I came here in the first place!" Marisa shouted, pointing an accusing finger at Patchouli. "You gave me a bunch of worm-eaten books, you evil, selfish, lying little twerp! Just what do you have to say for yourself?"
Patchouli sighed. "Okay, it's a fair cop. I lied blatantly to you, exploited you emotionally, gave you false hope and just generally acted like a complete and total blackguard. Mea culpa. I'll tell you what: you can have fifty of my fully-intact books for free, by way of an apology."
Marisa's rage instantly abated. "Fifty books?! Jeez Louise, that's almost fifty-one! Thanks, Patchie!"
"Meaning you now owe me just two hundred and twenty-six."
Marisa's smile froze. "Why, you miserable, greedy-"
"Cool it, you two! She's stirring!"
Naruwaru was indeed stirring. She rose shakily to her feet with a look of barely-suppressed rage on her chargrilled face, glaring defiance at all around her.
Sakuya quickly seized the initiative. "There's no need for us to continue fighting, Ms Agohaka. You and your sister are defeated. Persisting in this attack will only make it worse for you."
"Speak for yourself, you dumb cluck. I'm the one who got master sparked and I'm fine," Naruwaru growled, nudging Hakiba with her foot. "Oi, Hakiba, get up! We're not finished!"
"Five more minutes, please..." groaned Hakiba, rolling over onto her belly.
"Rrrrgh! Why do I always get saddled with you?! I mean, if Kuichiko were here, she'd tear this place to the ground in seconds! But no, she's got Better Things to Do. Lazy old sod."
"Kuichiko, hm? Is that your sister?" asked Patchouli, surreptitiously handing Sakuya a pencil.
"Well, yeah. She's supremely powerful. Inconceivably powerful! So powerful, she might even be able to beat me on a good day," Naruwaru boasted. "Divide and conquer, that's her motto, hence she keeps dividing us three. I mean, it's stupid of her, but it's still her motto, and it works sometimes..."
Patchouli gave Marisa a gentle nudge in the ribs.
Marisa went to punch Patchouli in the face, but thought better of it when she noticed Sakuya's little notebook and remembered the pencil. "Okay, uh, what's her favourite food?"
"Barley bread and cucumber. Lots of cucumber."
"Really? What about drinks?"
"Crude oil."
"What?!"
"It's a bit bitter for me, but Kuichiko loves it."
Patchouli raised her hand. "What's her fighting style? I'm curious to know whether we'd stand a change against her."
Naruwaru laughed. "No way! I've forgotten the details over the last few centuries, but I know a badass when I see one, and boy do I see one in Kuichiko! She could beat all of you with one hand tied behind her back, as long as it was her left one. She'd tear you in half before you could blink!"
"Strong, is she?"
"Oh, yeah! I've just about got the edge in the muscle department, but she's no pushover. She's super fast, too. She could tear you in half before you could blink!"
"You already said that."
"Shut up. Any more questions?"
"I have one. What's her greatest weakness?" asked Remila.
"She doesn't have any."
"...She's got to have at least one."
"Well, she doesn't. Got a problem with that?"
Remilia maintained a rugged silence.
"Excuse me, Miss, but I have a question," one of the fairy maids piped up. "What is Miss Kuichiko's shoe size?"
"...Shoe size?" Naruwaru's eyes narrowed. "Oh, I see what you're trying to do. You're just trying to get information so you can beat her. Well, it won't work! You won't get a thing out of me!"
"Powerful... fast... right-handed... no obvious weaknesses... shoe size unknown. Got it," Sakuya smiled, lowering her notepad.
Hakiba, who had just begun to stir, put her head in her hands.
"Found them!"
Flandre came bounding over, her arms laden with chains made of shiny, pinkish-gold metal. "Sorry it took so long. Someone put them in the "emergency Flandre provisions" chest by mistake."
"...Mistake. Right," said Remilia, clearing her throat.
Marisa couldn't help but notice the blush spreading across Remilia's face. That cocoa must be too hot for her, I guess.
"I say we do the walrus first. She seems to be the least lively of the two," Remilia went on.
"By "we", you mean me, right?" said Sakuya. Remilia nodded. Sakuya accepted the shackles from Flandre and set upon Hakiba, trussing her up like a turkey in a matter of seconds.
"Okay, now for the narwhal," said Sakuya. "Madam Flandre, the other shackle, if you please."
Flandre handed over the shackle.
"Thank you. Now, Naruwaru, I trust you will cooperate?"
"Yeah, um, about that..."
In a flash, ten long, razor-sharps tusks were floating by Naruwaru's sides, searing the air with balefire. With a mighty roar, she hurled them at Hakiba. Two darts severed the bonds on her ankles, two severed the chains on her wings and two more freed her hands, the other four swerving to charge at Sakuya. She had no time to stop time and barely enough time to dive out of the way, the tusks thudding harmlessly into the wall behind her.
"Hakiba, tell our big sis everything!" Naruwaru hollered. Hakiba nodded, leapt into the air and soared away.
"Oh, no you don't. After her!" Remilia shouted, chugging down what remained of her cocoa and taking to the air.
"What she said!" Marisa cried, readying her hakkero.
"You fools! Hakiba is my sister, and I will defend her until my dying breath, not that any of you will get to see that breath!" Naruwaru roared. A thick, foot-long tooth formed in each of her hands, crackling with barely-constrained energy.
"Sakuya, are you as done with this nonsense as I am?" asked Patchouli.
"Pretty much," said Sakuya, primly dusting herself off.
"Yay! Danmaku for everyone!" squealed Flandre, hopping up and down with glee.
Meiling leapt high into the air, her last vestiges of energy flowing into her good foot. "I don't mean to boast, but I'm as done with this nonsense as all of you put together. HI-YAH!"
Meiling's heel smashed into the nape of Naruwaru's neck. Her toes thwacked into the terracottavore's cranium. Naruwaru spun head-over-heels as she plummeted helplessly to the floor, landing with an echoing crump and rolling over to Patchouli's feet, where she collapsed in a heap.
For a few seconds, nobody spoke. Meiling's last vestiges were just enough for her to fold her arms, a look of complete confidence on her face, before she slowly crumpled over and flattened herself against the floor.
Well, that was an interesting morning, Marisa reflected as she cruised back home. She'd left as soon as they started talking about repairing the mansion; too much manual labour wasn't good for you. Flying low at a leisurely pace, enough to keep her head reasonably warm, she found herself thinking about the Agohakas. She'd never heard of people like them before. Powerful youkai with bird's wings, weird teeth and an appetite for entire countries... The mind boggled. Not even Patchouli knew anything about their kind, and she knew everything, which was why it was so selfish of her to keep all the best books to herself. When it came to the Agohakas, though, those books drew a blank.
They were dangerous, that much was certain. Three powerful youkai, or possibly more, bent on eating Gensokyo. Marisa knew an Incident when she saw one, and one of them was rearing its ugly head right now. There was only one person she knew who could be counted on to protect the world from a threat of this calibre. One young woman with power beyond even the sharpest of gnashers. Strong, fearsome and oh, so pretty: the great and powerful Marisa Kirisame!
Better get Reimu's help too, though, Marisa decided, drawing to a halt outside her door. That's what I'll do. Have lunch, get Reimu-
"What are you standing around out there for?! We've got an Incident to deal with! Come on, let's go!"
Reimu burst out of Marisa's front door like the break of dawn. She had a bandage on her right arm and a pack full of supplies on her back, her usual friendly, laid-back demeanour replaced by an unstoppable fury.
"R-Reimu?! What are you-"
"Oh, you're not ready yet. Well, hurry, get your things! Go! No time to waste!"
"O-okay."
Marisa gathered her stuff in record time, along with three bottles of nihonshu for good measure.
