Roy as Belle or vice versa, I always forget who was first.
Bowser as Beast or whatever his name is
Captain Falcon as Gaston
Ness as Captain Gaston's sidekick, Le Feu
Young Link as Chip, the chipped cup who has a very original name.
Link's grandma (who actually is in the SSBM, but because of the very physical nature of the game, she only makes coffee and cookies to go with it) as Mrs. Pots
Link as Lumiére for reasons I don't know.
Aquavitix as Belle's father, Maurice and the Butlerman from Batman, Pennywise and so on. It's not easy being a schizophrenic.
Prince Marth as the Prince Adam (Note! Not the very first Adam)
Yoshi as Philippe, the dumb horse who's got no lines
Pikachu with his many identical twins as the wolves of the forest
Fox as the leader of the wolves of the forest
Falco as dinner that tastes like chicken
Captain Falcon's car as the Bat mobile
Peach as the feather duster (she can be a bimbo)
Zelda as the wardrobe (no offence to her)
Luigi as Cogsworth
Pichu as the footstool
Ganondorf as the asylum manager and a schizo
The rest of the smashers as random villagers
---
Roy jumped on her feet and took Yoshi's head in her hands. "What's wrong?"
"YOSHI, YOSHI, YOSHI!!"
"Whose idea was to give this little freak the role of a horse?" Asked Belle.
"I did", answered the storyteller, holding a piano. "And you better accept it."
"What happened, Phillippe?" Asked Belle from her horse. "Is it Daddy? Don't tell me he's been smoking pot again."
"YOSHI!"
"Ah, I see." Belle turned around as if she was grieving. "It's always so sad when your father dies and you have to eat your horse! I bet you taste like chicken!"
But the storyteller disagreed with her and showed it with the gentle touch of a piano from the sky.
"YOSHI!" The horse turned around and Belle mounted it.
"O-hoy, Silver, AWAY!!" And so they galloped to the forest like wind. It didn't take long until they came to the intersection. Roy looked at the both signs.
"If Daddy was smart, he knew that the Happy Fairytale-land is just a substitute for Hell. So we must go to… Pet Sematary? Okay, who's been reading too much Stephen King?"
"Are you questioning me?" Asked the almighty storyteller.
"Never." Belle rolled her eyes as she told Yoshi to go deeper to the dark gloomy forest.
"It's the eye of the tiger, WOO YEAH!!
I'm feeling so good, I'm not afraid!!
Rising up to the challenge of Aquavitix!
And the last known survivor
Stalks his prey in the night
And he's watching us all
With the eye of the tiger, OHHH YEAHHH!!" Belle rode deeper and deeper. "Man, that song fits me, don't you think?"
After a while of riding she came to a castle gate, her father's Bat Mobile and fake moustache in front of it. She could imagine the horror he had been through, hearing the wolves cry in the deepening autumn night. It would soon get dark and she would need to look for cover. They were too far from home, it would get dark before they'd get there and… would be eaten by wolves. And taste like chicken.
"PIKAPIIII!" They howled in the forest. Roy guided Yoshi to the castle yard and closed the gate after her. If her father's Bat Mobile was there, then he'd be here too.
She entered the castle, gloomy and old, looking around a little afraid. What Roy didn't notice were the chandelier and an old clock sitting on the table next to the entrance, both snoring quite loudly. Can you hear them? As Belle passed them, the other one woke up with a snort, a yawn and lots of smacking and scratching his stomach.
"Holy A-Christ!" Said Cogsworth, looking at Belle.
"Antichrist!? Where!?" Link woke up from his dream with the same routines as Luigi. "Is he hot!?"
"No, I said holy A-Christ!"
"Oh, you mean her… that's got to be B-class, just look at the cheap fabric of that dress." Link ascertained. "But… she might break the spell!" He said, jumping to the floor.
"Oh, wait-a second! I don't want any second class girl breaking the spell!"
"I don't think he is a girl, now that you mention it." Link remarked.
"Oh, come on!" Cogsworth threw his… hands? Things? Whatever in the air in frustration.
"But I think we should guide her to the Beast!"
"I don't a-think that's such a wise idea, considering that our master is a frickin' overweight turtle with a-fangs and she's a normal girl." Luigi remarked.
"Maybe she's blind." Lumiére said with a happy tone as he ran after Belle.
After a moment of running around in the castle and sightseeing this and that, tripping a few times, Belle found his way to a cold old tower, past Fluffy--
"He wasn't in this movie!"
"Yes he was. He was just so shy that they didn't show him." The storyteller shared her wisdom. Anyway, Belle walked past the sleeping (and blushing) Fluffy, who was… sleeping.
Finally she found his father, who was delirious and ill.
"Papa Is it you?! Do you have candy?" She ran to the bars and tried his father's cheek.
"I'm not your papa…" Said the delirious Aquavitix.
"Who are you then?" Asked Roy. "Daddy told me not to speak to strangers."
"I'm Pennywise. And you're Belle. Now we know each other and we can speak. Would you like to join me here? I've got balloons!"
"Do they float?"
"Yes, they all float. They flooooaaaat. AND YOU WILL FLOAT TOO!!" The storyteller' a bit confused at this point so she'll leave you on your own.
"Yay!!" Squealed Belle.
"Who are you?" Asked a voice from the darkness.
"Me no speak to strangers." Said Belle.
"Are you Belle?"
"Yes, I'm the Real Slim Shady, all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating--"
"That song's not in this movie." Remarked the storyteller, who couldn't leave the readers in trouble.
"What are you doing in my castle?" Asked the figure in the shadows.
"Just chillin', you know." Answered Roy. "You got beer?"
"What about me?" Asked Pennywise, formerly known as Aquavitix.
"Shut up, freak." Said Belle. "I'm talking with my future boyfriend."
"You're supposed to ask me to free him." Said the guy in the shadows.
"Oh… Will you?"
"I will not let your father go. He's my prisoner now!"
"Prisoner of Azkaban!!" Rejoiced Pennywise.
"Quiet, Pothead. Why not? If you have beer, you can take me instead of him!" Offered Roy.
"Hmm…" Thought the guy in the shadows.
"Oh, wait a second. At first I want to see you."
The guy came forward to the light and Belle saw his hideous form, the fur, the fangs. He was big, his breathing was laboured and his eyes gleamed with madness. Roy started laughing scornfully. "Bowser! They got you into this too?"
"Shut up." Murmured the Beast.
"Anyway, you got beer, I stay."
"Fine. Take the old geezer home." A guy popped from thin air and dragged Aquavitix away, who was totally crazy by then and after a while they rumoured that he had, somehow, invented a potion that gives you inhuman strength and was using it to help some barbarians. But those are just rumours, like the Second World War.
Roy fell on her knees and looked sad, her eyes were glassy, her lower lip trembled. The Beast looked at her with sympathy, knowing that he hadn't let her say goodbye to her beloved father.
"You didn't even let me steal his money!" Belle cried.
"Well, cry." Said Bowels. "It's Bowser." But he didn't know that the storyteller doesn't want to be corrected and dismissed his new name suggestion with a… yeah, you got it. A piano from the sky.
"I am!" Belle said defiantly. "In my heart."
"Oh, don't cry." Bowser comforted him.
"I already did." Belle continued defiantly.
"Whatever." Boswell shrugged. "Bowser." This time the storyteller had had enough of his correcting and instead of guiding him gently with a piano, she replaced him with Donkey Kong.
"DK want bananas." Said the new Beast. It's fresh, exciting!
Roy sweatdropped, wondering what she should do know. "How about escort me to my room now that I'll be staying here for a couple of weeks?"
"DK WANT BANANAS!"
Belle sighed.
"DK WANT--" The storyteller noticed her mistake which she surprisingly admits, and replaced Donkey Kong with Bowser again. The large lizard thing or whatever guided Roy to his room and told him:
"You may walk around in the castle as you please, just don't go to the west wing and don't use the last piece of toilet paper. Also, leave my servants alone. And remember to brush your teeth. And take a shower. And don't stay up too late and—"
"Whatever, man. Just give me a beer and I'll stay out of the way."
"About the beer, you may drink with me downstairs tonight." Bowser offered kindly.
"Nah, no thanks. When I'm drunk I tend to sleep with everyone and considering the way you look, I don't want to wake up next to you." Roy said simply. "I've got a weak heart."
"You either drink with me or you don't drink at all!"
"Or you could drink with me…" Lumiére offered, waggling his eyebrows.
"Sorry, I don't know how to do it with chandeliers." Roy dismissed Link's idea. "And I won't drink with you, Bowser!"
"Then you starve!"
"I needed a little diet anyway. Now go away, I don't want to see you anymore if I remember the script right." She said, tapping the floor with his foot.
"FINE!" Bowser shouted, closing the door with a bang and Roy ran to the bed and threw himself on it, falling asleep immediately.
The turtle ran downstairs in his rage, breaking a few statues on his way.
Later on they were sitting in the living room, the Beast, Mrs. Pots and Cogsworth. Lumiére was having a sandwich somewhere in one of the castle's bedrooms. If you don't know what a sandwich is, it's a bread with sand in the middle. And then people wonder why it's so popular!
"I told her to drink with me, but she refused!" Bowser raged.
"You should be a-nicer to her. Or then just a-let her be." Cogsworth said.
Mrs. Pots woke up from her dream. "Coffee?"
"No, thanks, granny." They both said. Luigi's grandmother fell asleep again and continued knitting in her sleep.
"I was being nice!" Bowser raged still.
"Yeah, but you know, girls are a-difficult creatures. You have to tell them a-they're pretty, hold their hands and cry a little and say how a-much you've missed her while you were ignoring her." Luigi aka Cogsworth explained.
"Coffee?" Link's grandma woke up and asked. Bowser sighed. "No, thanks." And she continued to sleep.
"But she won't let me close!"
"That's a girl all a-right." Luigi said.
The Beast ran into his room and looked at the enchanted rose with sad eyes. There was so much pain in his eyes, it can't even be described. He looked so sad, he didn't even stand straight. Then he uttered: "I wish this rose was the German non-alcoholic beer right now."
---
Meanwhile Roy was snoring loudly on her bed. He woke up as the wardrobe yawned. "Well, hello, girl!" Zelda greeted.
"Huh? You can talk?" Belle asked. Duh, dumb girl.
"Sure, honey. But aren't you hungry?"
"Nope. Or maybe a little." He said. "But aren't you a wardrobe?"
"Yeah…" The wardrobe answered.
"Then give me a pair of pants before I kill myself with this dress!" Robelle screamed. Aww.
"No way! You'd see my hangers!" Zelda refused, glaring at him with fury in her eyes. "A little decency!"
Roy was a bit confused by that. After a while he gave up and left to travel around in the castle for food and maybe a drink too. She came to the kitchen, following the smell of rotten fish. There was Lumiére, who seated her down and waggled his eyebrows.
"Ma chere Mademoiselle, it is with deepest prideand greatest pleasure that we welcome you tonight and maybe later we can get together to drink maybe a little?
And now we invite you to relax, let us pull up a
chair as the dining room proudly presents –" Link sang, poorly but at least he sang.
"I wear a DRESS!" Roy protested to the storyteller.
"your low-fat dinner that tastes like chicken!"
"Noooooo!!" Falco screamed alone in the darkness.
"Be our guest! Be our guest!" Sang the other dishes, Cogsworth was quiet though, he didn't like to have fun. Some people are like that, but usually they're ignored. So we'll ignore Cogsworth."Put our service to the test, we won't pass it!" Link gave her a Pepsodent-smile along with the keys to his quarters. "Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherieAnd we'll provide the rest
Position 69
Hot hours d'oeuvres
Why, we only live to serve!
Try the grey stuff "
"It's delirious" Said Young Link.
"Delicious, sweetheart." Corrected Link's grandma.
"Don't believe me? Ask the dishes!" Lumiére guided her."Who would want to eat talking dishes?" Belle asked.
"They can sing, they can dance!""And I thought clamps were horrible." Roy made a disgusted face.
"After all, Miss, this is France" Link waggled his eyebrows.
"Okay, I think this does it. France is out of my list of places to go before I die." Belroy ascertained, looking at the show in front of her with horror.
Link smiled. "And a dinner here is never second best
Go on, unfold your menu and I take off my clothes
Take a glance and then you'll
Be my--"
"Guest!" Cogsworth cut him off.
"Oui, my--" Link glared at him."Guest!!" Luigi did it again.
"Be my--""GUEST!! Don't give the girl traumas!"
"Beef ragout
Cheese souffle
Pie and pudding "en flambe"" All the dishes sang.
"We'll prepare and serve with flair
A" Link coughed. "Cabaret!"
"You're alone
And you're scared
But the bed's all prepared
No one's gloomy or complaining
While Tupperware's entertaining
We tell jokes! I do tricks
With my fellow candlesticks"
Roy was starting to like the idea. She started to clap her hands together with all the moving objects.
"And it's all in perfect senseThat you can bet
Come on and lift your glass
You've won your own free pass
To be our guest!" The dishes continued singing.
"If you're stressed
It's fine chandeliers I suggest" Link waggled his eyebrows again.
A spotlight came upon Cogsworth, who was still looking sad and miserablés. Lumiére appeared there too and began singing: "Life is so unnerving
For a servant who's not serving
He's not whole without a soul to wait upon
Ah, those good old days when we were useful...
Suddenly those good old days are gone
Ten years we've been rusting" Lumiére hugged Cogsworth, who started crying.
"Needing so much more than dusting
Needing exercise, a chance to use our skills!
Most days we just lay around the castle
Flabby, fat and lazy
You walked in and my bed is ready!" Link pushed Cogsworth off the table.
"It's a guest! It's a guest!" Link's grandma woke up, she had been knitting in her sleep. "Sakes alive, well I'll be blessed!
Wine's been poured and thank the Lord
I've had the napkins freshly pressed
With dessert, she'll want tea
And my dear that's fine with me
While Lumiére does his seducing
which is wrong I'm deducing, it's a guy, it's a guy!
I'll get warm, piping hot
Heaven's sakes! Is that a spot?
Clean it up! We want the company impressed!
We've got a lot to do!
Is it one lump or two?
For you, our guest!" She sang, but fell asleep right after it.
"She's our guest!" The other dishes continued.
"She's a guy!" Mrs. Pots woke up again only to declare that and fell asleep right after it.
"She's our guest!" No one cared about her, she was just an old hag, delirious and besides, she knitted. All the dishes got very excited, doing splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, one right after the other. "Be our guest! Be our guest!Our command is your request
It's been years since we've had anybody here
And we're obsessed
With your pleasure, with your ease
Yes, indeed, we aim to please
While the candlelight's still glowing
Let us help you, We'll keep going
Yes, going, one by one!
'Til you shout, "Enough! I'm done!"
Then we'll sing you off to sleep.
Tonight you'll get more than you can dream!
But for now, let's eat up."
Lumiére came to her, lying on the table. "Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Be our guest!"
"Please, be our guest!" He sang alone, and she grabbed him in a kiss. And that lead to another sandwich. If you still don't know what a sandwich is, it's a witch filled with sand. And off we go for the advertisements!
---
Okay, not as funny as the previous chapter, but I did my best. And by the way, I don't mean to offend anyone. Just trying to write a parody here. I'd love your reviews!
