sanctuary
(forgiveness)
.one.
Rasler is beautiful, she thinks. Prince Charming, the perfect man, the perfect husband. Rasler is beautiful and charming and wonderful and far too good to be true. She gives her heart to him, they say, the Princess Ashe finally allows someone into her life and falls in love. What they don't say is that the Princess Ashe kept a piece of her heart for herself.
Does this make her cruel, she wonders, to never fully trust her too-beautiful husband? Does this make her wrong, she wonders, to wait for the catch? Does this make her evil, she wonders, to withhold her love?
She smiles at him on the morning of their wedding, and prays that he might stay and heal her from the past several years. She smiles at him and kisses him and holds him tightly at night, and knows that she will never give her heart to him because he will never be able to mend her. He will never be able to give her what she needs most - and she can't ask him to because she hardly knows what it is. Maybe a time machine, something that will take her back, or perhaps an airship, something that will take her away.
Or perhaps a reason, something that will keep her here.
.two.
He looks at her before he leaves for war, makes eye contact and holds it for a long moment in which her mind is completely empty. There is no remorse or late-blossoming desire. There is no pity or worry. She doesn't think at all, not of brighter days or darker hours, not of his proud body hovering over hers or of his weakness when he draws her near to him. She holds his gaze and watches him leave.
Her first thought, as he descends the steps, is cruel. I am rid of him, she thinks, and hates herself for it. He is a good man, and if she doesn't love him, then she at least respects him and enjoys his company. He has been nothing but good to her, and she should not rejoice for his leaving.
This is the catch, she knows, this is the other shoe. She was handed perfection, given the best and the loveliest and the kindest, and it is being taken away from her, beyond her grasp (but not sight or smell or hearing, for she'll always be able to touch him, if only in memories and dreams, but she doesn't think he'll ever be close enough to hold, never again). And she cannot bring herself to mourn.
I am rid of him, she thinks, and spends the next hour locked in her room, trying not to cry.
.three.
She receives news of his death as the bells toll dawn, and does not weep.
.four.
Basch brings Rasler back upon his shield, bloody and bruised and weakened, and he collapses on the steps before he reaches her. The soldiers accompanying him tell her that he hasn't slept or eaten since Rasler's death, blaming himself for the Prince's passing. A small part of her thinks that he should feel guilty for it, because it was up to Basch to protect Rasler and he's failed at his only task.
What sort of leader would he make, she wonders caustically, if he can't even save his only charge?
But then the moment passes and she swallows her irrational anger, helping the medics carry the Captain back to the best room in the palace - the one that used to belong to her and Rasler but hasn't been slept in for days - and she helps them nurse him back to health. She tells him that she doesn't blame him at all, and lies.
Then she sends him back to war, trusting him with the protection of her father while she buries her husband.
She blames herself, later, for her father's death because she never should have trusted Basch, even though he'd never done anything but help her. Even though she knows very well that Rasler's death wasn't his fault.
.five.
Her father is three days in the grave and her husband seven when she finds out that she's pregnant. She throws open the doors to the palace and runs as far away as her legs will take her, and collapses on the steps of someone's home, crying and vomiting and riddled with guilt. When she wakes up, she's in a warm bed with a comfortable pillow and a bowl of soup sitting next to her. An old woman is sitting beside her, watching with sympathy in her eyes.
"Drink this," the woman whispers, handing her a steaming mug, "It will make you feel better, and will take away the morning sickness."
She drinks the tea, bitter and flavored faintly with herbs and spices and maybe honey. It doesn't taste good, but she drinks it, foolishly hoping that perhaps, if she gets rid of the symptom, perhaps the illness will go away, too - and then feels even worse for thinking of a baby as an illness.
This could save the kingdom, she knows. An heir to the throne of Dalmasca could help to drive Archades out and would certainly revitalize the troops. The idea that their royal family will continue, will keep their throne, will still rule - this could be the turning point.
Then why does it feel like such a burden?
She stares at the dregs of the tea in her mug, faintly thinking of fortune-tellers and the future, and asks the woman not to tell a soul what she knows.
The woman watches her for a long moment before nodding.
.six.
She ought to tell Vossler about the baby, she thinks, because Vossler is the only person who can and will protect her now. She ought to tell him so he'll help her because right now he thinks he's doing the right thing, but she just can't handle it. She's still throwing up often (though he doesn't know about it, because she's better at hiding things than any of them think) and she's finding it difficult to lead, and even more difficult to train. Vossler knows how awful her swordsmanship is, and has been seeking to remedy that, but -
She ought to tell Vossler, because Vossler would do everything in his power to help her.
This is why she doesn't.
.seven.
She wakes up early one morning, bleeding, stomach cramping, and half-expects she can hear the gods laughing at her. She cleans the blood off her thighs and the stone around her and tells Vossler that she's not feeling well.
A small part of her blames Vossler. A small part of her hates him.
(The rest of her is grateful, and she hates herself for that.)
.eight.
She knows, the moment her feet land on the ground outside the palace, that her resistance will not work. Vayne expected them, she sees. He knew that something would happen. Maybe he even knows that she's still alive, and if he knows that, then it's Vossler's fault because she trusted Vossler to keep her a secret and if Vayne knows she's alive, then Vossler's failed the same way Basch failed and the same way Rasler failed and the same way - the same way her baby failed, even.
She escapes through the sewers, alone, leaving Vossler and the palace and her own failure all behind for the haven of the past two years. And she is cornered and trapped and knows that she will die and Dalmasca will fall because Dalmasca has been riddled with failure, ever since Rasler married her. And then someone behind her yells for her to jump.
A small, tiny, piece of her - the same piece that hates Vossler for killing her baby and Basch for killing her husband and Rasler for the way she couldn't love him - a small piece of her tells her not to jump.
She jumps.
.nine.
Vayne knows she's alive. He comes into the sewers after her and captures her (and the pirates who saved her, which she feels awful for, because even though they're thieves, they don't deserve to be trapped in her web) and he knows that she's alive.
She tells herself that he didn't know who was leading the resistance, that Vossler had no part in this, that he only wished to protect her and help his country. She tells herself that Vayne is simply smart, and Vossler isn't a traitor.
She thinks of tea leaves and fortune-tellers and the future, and wonders what the old woman in her little house must have thought when she heard that the Princess committed suicide. She thinks of her country and betrayal and lies, and of escape. She thinks of leaving Dalmasca behind and of never forgiving any of them. She thinks of Rasler and the way her mind was blank when he left her and wishes for the sanctity of silence.
The sky pirate (not the Viera or the boy, but the real one, the sort of pirate she remembers reading about as a child, the charming and clever one with rich clothes and the upper-crust Archadian accent) leans back and she catches the scent of him, like gunpowder and freedom, and wonders what good could ever come of this.
.ten.
She hits Basch across the face when she sees him, less for betraying her and more for failing at betrayal, too.
.eleven.
In her uncle's house in Bhujerba, she again thinks of freedom and of safety, of home and love and success. And then her uncle tells her to stay where she is, like a dutiful child. Her uncle will give her what she desires most - sanctuary. She could stay here, she thinks. She could stay and be safe and comfortable and taken-care of.
And she can be another failure.
She steals away to take the sky pirate's airship, but finds herself lost at the control panel. He turns up and she sells him stories of treasure so he'll take her as far away from Bhujerba and safety as she can go. He takes the bait, and she's a little disappointed that he's that easy to convince. But then, he's a pirate, isn't he? He's not perfect like Rasler was.
(Somehow, she thinks this makes him more appealing, because if he's not perfect like Rasler, then maybe he won't die like Rasler.)
.twelve.
Basch tries desperately to protect her, to keep her as safe as he can, and Balthier only helps her when she needs it. Basch goes out of his way to keep her from harm and Balthier heals her when she gets hurt. She wishes that she could believe they both only want the best for her, but Basch is still searching for absolution and Balthier for personal gain.
She doesn't think Basch really wants her to forgive him. She thinks Basch really wants her to hate him because then he can hate himself in peace. For a while, she complies, but then she simply feels sorry for him. Basch doesn't deserve her hatred.
Balthier probably does, though, being a sky pirate. But she can't make herself hate him and she doesn't want to face the reason why.
He is everything that Rasler was not, and he doesn't forgive her for her failings. He expects her to take what she came for, he expects her to play her part and do her job. It's something so foreign to her - to be treated as an equal, not as someone to be prostrated to or protected or feared. It's exhilarating.
.thirteen.
She does not love him, she tells herself - she's in love with what he stands for, that she can admit - but loving him is impossible. Not with what she's lost to almost-love. If sort of loving Rasler took so much away from her, how much more will loving Balthier take? It isn't a feasible dream; he's a sky pirate in search of treasure and she's a princess in search of a crown. When either of them get what they need, they'll go their separate ways and lose contact altogether.
She does not love him, she tells herself, and lies.
.fourteen.
She doesn't think of anything when he leaves for the Bahamut, not of the scent of his cologne or the sound of his voice, not of the way he says her name or of the way he trusts her to do what she has to. He glances at her for one short second before he leaves and she won't make eye contact. Instead, she watches his collar and lets him by. There is no remorse or surge of affection.
There is only fear. This is the catch, she thinks, this is the other shoe - she was given a second chance (third chance, really, if she counts her baby, which she usually doesn't), only to have it, too, taken away by circumstance. She half-expects she can hear the gods laughing at her.
He walks away and leaves her behind the way she left her failure and her past. And for a split-second, she thinks about going after him, considers stopping him and dragging him back and holding him tightly to her the way she never did Rasler and the way she never did her baby, thinks about crying to him and begging him and screaming at him and being as immature and un-Princess-like as she can be, anything to save him, and by default, herself.
She sits down and lets him leave.
coda
What could have happened, she thinks, had she been a little more daring; what could have happened, had she ever really believed in risks, is that she could have gone with him and escaped her past and failure. What could - she would taste freedom.
What does - she puts Rasler's ring back on her finger.
