Chapter 1
"'I have to admit, you gave us quite a run for our money.' Thomps said, raising his gun. 'It's over for you.'
"'Is it now, Mr. Thomps?' The Puma asked, turning to meet Stanley. A gunshot resounded through the room. The Puma fell to the ground, clutching his leg.
"'You bet your ass it is. Now you tell me where you're keeping Peter Blakely, you sick son of a bitch!' Thomps shouted, thrusting his gun forward in a threatening gesture.
"'Blakely?' The Puma cackled, 'The one you call Blakely is alive and well! At least he was, until your men butchered him moments ago.'
"'I'm sick of playing your fucking mind games, Puma!" Thomps barked, kicking The Puma in his wounded shin and raising the gun to the Puma's mask. 'Where the fuck is he?'
"'I'm sure you've found him by now, Mr. Thomps.' The Puma chuckled. 'You're not getting anything out of me, however. Do what you will to me, but nothing is going to hurt my cubs while I draw breath.'
"'I ain't got a problem in changing that, you sick fuck.' Thomps grinned.
"A shot rang out through the room….."
"Open up in there!" A loud voice ordered, banging on the front Ben's dome. "We have a warrant for you, Ben Neeblenheimer!"
"Aw, shit!" Ben uttered to himself, closing his copy of The Puma and stuffing it into his bag.
The front of the dome collapsed, and several large men in thick, metal space suits of armor barged in. Two of them grabbed the short, pudgy teenager roughly by the shoulders and dragged him outside. The other men held large plasma guns, keeping them aimed at the detainee.
"What's all this about?" Ben screeched, trying to kick and resist as he was hauled out of his dome and into the town square. "What did I do?"
"We have received reports that you made a post on the Internet referring to our glorious leader, The Situation, as a 'grand-douche face' and that his abs are fake!" one of the guards told him. "Such slander against the Shore Council, especially the Prime Minister, is punishable by death!"
"But he is a douche face!" Ben retorted. One of the guards smacked him in the face with a plasma-rifle butt.
"Silence, heretic!" The guard captain shouted, his voice not at all muffled by his metal helmet, completely covering his face in an iron curtain.
"What are you going to do to me?" Ben cried, tears streaming down his pudgy cheeks.
"We're going to do what we do to all blasphemers! Attention citizens of NJ666, we have in our custody a blasphemer!" The guard captain yelled, as people crowded the town square. The guards let go of Ben and forced him onto his knees, placing the barrels of their guns behind his head. "We cannot tolerate disunity, and we cannot tolerate slander against our mighty leader!"
"Yeah yeah, just get on with it!" one man shouted from the crowd.
"Um, captain?" one of the guards asked.
"What is it, Bernie?" The guard captain replied.
"There's a really weird looking ship over there, sir. It looks…it looks like…" Bernie began.
"Well, by the Council, it looks like one of those old ships that used to sail the oceans of Earth! This one, however, is floating." The guard captain observed.
Floating toward this scene was indeed a large, metal ship, with a mast, prow, and figurehead. What the guards couldn't see, however, was a small creature curled on the front of the deck, peering out at the crowd. It was a small, furry creature, with two front, feline paws, white fur with a single black patch surrounding one eye, large, green scaly wings, and a long, scaly tail ending in a club-like group of spikes.
"Cap'n, what be yer orders?" a large, purple feline asked him.
"We'ze in attackin' range. Raise da Jolly Nommer!" the small creature ordered.
"Aye aye!" the purple cat replied, pushing a button on the flagpole of the ship.
Meanwhile, the guard captain was now addressing the crowd, brushing off the strange ship as a piece of space junk.
"Ben Neeblenheimer, you are charged with heresy, blasphemy, and resisting arrest! You will be sentenced to…"
"Sir, there's a flag rising up on that ship…" Bernie said, prodding the guard captain.
"Not now, Bernie!" The guard captain whispered angrily. "You will be sentenced to…."
"Sir it's getting closer!" Bernie pleaded, prodding the guard captain harder. The flag was now fully visible, a black tapestry flowing in the artificial wind. On the cloth was an incredibly happy looking cat face, gnawing merrily on a bone.
"For the love of Snooki will you shut…" the guard captain began, cut off in mid sentence as his jaw dropped.
"Attack!" a voice shouted, and ion beams began spewing from the approaching ship, firing at the guards. A figure stood on the bow of the ship, feline in appearance with large wings and a scaly tail, with two large metal pods attached to the wings, and a tri-tip hat atop its head. "Yar har!" It yelled, diving off the bow and flying toward the guards.
"What in the name of…" the guard captain began, before he was blown to giblets by a rocket from the flying creature's meal pods.
"Kill it! Kill it!" Bernie yelled, and each guard frantically began shooting at the new airborne menace, firing plasma rays in the general direction of the flying feline. It gracefully evaded and twirled in the air, firing more rockets into the unsuspecting guards. The frightened guards completely forgot about the large ship firing ion beams at them, and were obliviously mowed down.
"Ye'll never get me, labnd….lanbd…peoples who can't use a ship!" the feline creature taunted, swooping down and picking up Ben as the last of the guard began to retreat. Ben was dropped on the ship, still cowering in fear. "Dun't let em' get aways!" the creature shouted.
Several old, preserved machine guns unfolded from the deck, and Ben looked upon them with a sense of awe and mystery. Those kind of guns hadn't been used for hundreds of years!
Unleashing a loud, majestic roar, the machine guns sent a wall of lead toward the fleeing guards. Without mercy they fell to the ground, each landing with a loud, satisfying clunk. The blood began to pool on the ground, running down the street of the town.
"Ar! Successful mission is successful!" The winged creature declared, holding his sword in the air.
"Cap'n, is it can be nap time now pwees?" the large purple cat asked, rolling onto her stomach.
"No yets, Grapecat!" the captain replied, bopping the rotund kitty with the blunt edge of his sword.
"Um, who are you?" Ben asked, still cowering on the floor.
"Who is I?" the winged captain asked rhetorically. "I is da bane of evil wretched hoomins, da savior of da Covenant, da most adorable dragon-kitty to evar sail a boat and da Scourge of Space! I is," he paused, striking a dramatic pose, flaring his wings behind him as he stood on his back paws, "Captain Rocket Cat!"
"Wait, what?" Ben asked dumbfounded. "You're the legendary Rocket Cat?"
"Yus." Rocket Cat replied, nodding proudly.
"But you're a kitty cat!" Ben said in shock and disbelief.
"Nu. I is a dragon-cat!" The captain replied, spewing some fire into the air.
"Ey! You keep dat up and you'ze gonna burn da flag!" a large, wolfish creature barked.
"Ohs. Sowwi Wuffie." Rocket Cat replied sheepishly. "Dat's Second Mate Wuffie."
"Second Mate? Pirates don't have second mates! Pirates aren't kitties!" Ben replied angrily.
"Silly hoomin, anybody can be a pirate!" Rocket Cat said, patting the human with his paw.
"Does this mean I can be a pirate too?" Ben asked hopefully.
"Of course! Stand up, ye little buccaneer!" Rocket Cat said, lifting the scared human to his feet. Cheerful music began to play, making Ben spin his head around.
"Where's that coming from?" he asked.
"Do what you want cuz a pirate is fwee, you is a pirate!" Rocket Cat sang, waving his sword in the air. "Yar har, fiddle de dee, being a pirate is alright wif me! Do what chu want cuz a pirate is fwee, you is a pirate!" The entire crew was singing now, with no source of music in sight.
"How do you do that?" Ben asked.
"Kid, I thoughted dat me being a space pirate dragon kitty would has teached ju not to question logic. You gonna go crazy if you try to make sense of any of dis." Rocket Cat replied. "We got us a map!" He sang, the disembodied music resuming without skipping a beat. "To lead to us to a hidden box, that's all locked up with locks, and buried deep away! We'll dig up the box, we know it's full precious booty, bust open the locks, and then we'll say hooray!" and the entire crew shouted "Hooray!"
"Um, what are you singing?" Ben asked.
"Tis' a old sea shanty." Rocket Cat explained. "Or is from a kiddy show. I forgets. But dis isn't importants! We has many a epic adventure to has! Dem guidos no gonna kill demselves!"
"Guidos? You mean the Council?" Ben asked.
"Aye. We has to find a way to ovet….overt….get rid of dems." Rocket Cat said. "We goin' back to mah secret planet cove. Full speed ahead! And someone serissly oughta lower da Jolly Nommer." And with that the wondrous pirate ship set sail into the atmosphere, leaving behind the NJ666 colony.
"Wait! I left my copy of The Puma back there!" Ben shouted.
"I remember dat book! Wasn't vury good." Rocket Cat said.
"But I wanna know how it ends!" Ben pleaded.
"I fink he dies. Or it's dat other dewd. Someone dies." Rocket Cat said, reminiscing slightly. The ship continued to sail away, leaving behind the colony forever. And Ben's copy of The Puma.
