Will
Entry 2- I Want
I want… What do I want? I want my life to become simpler. Yes. Simpler would be extremely nice right now. It's not like my life needs any more complexity. I want to go home. I miss my poor blacksmith shop… I want to make swords for people again, and other things as well.
I want to be able to eat something and know what it is. Not a mystery meat like we eat here. I kind of poke at my food to make sure it doesn't move (ha ha) and it never does, but it's still a good thing to check. Tonight I will completely act like a hog; Elizabeth is cooking, and she makes a wicked seafood fry. Speaking of wants again; I want out of this house, away from some of these people. Except Elizabeth, I don't want away from her.
IF anything I want nearer; to hold her again… to be able to look at her unguarded. I want to be able to wake up and to think about her without being pained… I love her so, so much. I wish she knew. She used to, but maybe the couple weeks we spent apart she forgot, and now that she loves Jack she doesn't care.
I remember once being told that if I woke up and the very first thought I could think was of piracy, then I needed to be a pirate. If blacksmithing, then a blacksmith. I remember once being told that if I thought of one particular woman, then she was thinking of me, and we needed each other more than anything. Now I don't believe it anymore. Because she most definitely does not need me. And if she did, this is Elizabeth that we're talking about here! She'd tell me what she was feeling if she was feeling it. But apparently she's not feeling it, because she certainly isn't telling me it.
Or maybe she's not telling me because I don't give her the chance to? Wouldn't she try to corner me if she was trying to tell me? Or would she just let the words sink into the back of her mind, where they could be forgotten? It's like I don't even know her anymore. But yet, three weeks ago I knew her better than any man ever could… I'm so confused.
Should I want her like I do? Should I have a talk with Jack when we rescue him? Or should I confront Elizabeth now? If I confronted her now do you think she might have a different reaction? Will we ever be the same? Or will we fall apart? Will we ever get close enough again to fall apart? Will this hurt ever go away? I have so many questions. And it feels like none of them will ever be answered. I know very well they will be in time, but time is starting to feel like it takes too long. After about fifteen seconds time takes too long.
I want to be me again. I mean I want to be William Turner, son of Bootstrap Bill Turner, son of a pirate, a blacksmith, and a fiancé to Governor Weatherby Swann's daughter, Miss Elizabeth Swann.
And more than anything in this instance, I want to be needed again. I want her to want me the way she used to. I want her to love me again, to be happy again, to touch me back, to look at me unguarded, to let me in again, to talk to me, and to strip me down to my soul with her stare. The way she used to, I want her to see me as me again; not just another man that tried to get close to her. I want her to see me as I want to be seen.
Son of a pirate, and a blacksmith. All that, I want her to see me as. But there's something deeper that connected us together. And I really want her to see me as whatever she saw me as then.
Hers. I think that's what she saw me as. Her own. Someone that she didn't have to worry about leaving or not listening, or telling her thoughts to someone else. That is also something I miss. The way we could sit there for hours upon hours, and no matter how often we saw each other, three or four times a day, and still never run out of things to say to each other.
Sometimes I'd just sit there with her hands in mine as she sat across from and listen to her voce, and not even pay attention to what she was saying, just close my eyes until the only thing I could hear was the vibrations of her voice that soothed me into almost ecstasy. Or she'd just listen to my voice to just about the same point. She never let herself get to the point that she didn't pay attention to anything I was saying. No, she didn't do that after the first time. I asked her something and she forgot to answer. After a moment I squeezed her hand, and she looked as if she'd just woken up. I can't help but chuckle of the memory.
See? I'm so sick of not being able to think about anything but her. I hate when I get like this. Remembering to the point that I can hear what she's saying again. Sometimes she's just say something and I'd ask her to repeat the same thing over and over until I got bored of it because I loved the specific pattern of the vibrations in her voice. I got so good at listening to just the vibrations that I could understand what she was saying and not pay attention.
And she believed our minds were connected, because sometimes we'd just sit there and have conversations with our eyes, and her father would shake his head because it kind of weirded him out, how in love we were, how when he looked at us, we even looked like we belonged to each other the way we wanted to.
It's amusing to think of now, the way we used to be so close, but how one action can tear us further apart than we ever were.
And If I think back to when we first got engaged, I remember holding Elizabeth and telling her I never wanted to let go, because it meant that I wasn't touching her anymore.
She told me that she didn't want me to stop touching her either. Nor had she ever. Now I'm not so sure she didn't imagine she was talking to Sparrow. Now, I don't believe her. I'm not sure I even believe myself- meaning I'm not sure whether I should trust my feelings, the ones that say I love her, or my instincts, which say to slowly draw away from her. Not that I haven't already accomplished that. Since we mainly don't talk anymore.
You know, I'm not even sure that I believe a word she's ever told me. I can almost hear her voice again… the way I used to… and it's tiring. Not that this training is not already exhausting.
If I concentrate… I can hear the vibrations of her voice… calling my name… it actually slows my heart down and calms my mind, I'm almost asleep… I can hear her saying my name the way she used to… oh… wait… it is her calling me. Good gracious, I can't believe that I just almost sat there and fell asleep to her voice, when I'm trying to be mad at her! Shame on you, Will! Sheesh…
-Will
Elizabeth
Entry 2 - I want
I'm not going to be lady like about this statement, and you can just go walk the plank if you don't like it. I want William. I want William to want me again. I don't know what his issue is! Every time I try talk to him, he acts as if his whole world has collapsed and doesn't listen to a bloody word I say!
I COULD HAVE HAD JAMES NORRINGTON!
I COULD HAVE HAD ANY MAN IN PORT ROYAL THAT I WANTED!
I COULD HAVE HAD ANY MAN IN PORT ROYAL!
AND WHO DID I CHOOSE!
BLOODY WILLIAM TURNER!
I don't understand why he's being so… William, There are sometimes- like now, for instance, that I just want to strangle him and kiss him at the same time. It's funny, the fact that he irritates me, but the irritation just attracts me to him more. Like a bug to fire; I know it's going to hurt, but I burn myself anyway. Only in a good way. And I'm starting to sound like Tia Dalma, with my analogies. They're all riddles now, it's sort of entertaining. I miss home. I miss my simple life, and as I said before, I thought I'd never say this, but I miss wearing a corset. I miss being treated like a lady, like a woman, like any form of femininity. I wish that I could have something a little more form fitting, something more attractive. It used to be I could wear a sack and Will wanted to show me off to the world.
But for some reason now it's like he's embarrassed of me. Like he really wants to just lock me away and never look at me again. Like an unwanted toy for a child. I hate that feeling. I want to feel special again. I want to feel wanted the way I used to. Will used to want to just listen to me for forever, just have me say whatever was on my mind, so he could listen to my voice.
I miss that so much. I miss him so much. I miss the way that he used to touch my hair to my father's dismay, just in front of Father. Mainly to annoy him, and the second Father left we'd erupt into laughter. I remember he would sit there and hold my hands, and just listen to my voice with his eyes closed to the point that he looked drunker than Mr. Gibbs after a bottle of rum.
But it was just because of my voice. I love him so much, and every time I try to tell him that he leaves the room, or interrupts me, or excuses himself, or someone else starts to speak. And me, being the supposed "lady" I am, don't say anything even though I'm tired of holding my tongue. I'm tiring of being a lady. I'm not a lady, I'm a bloody pirate. Jack Sparrow said so himself. Because I'm not sorry for any of my actions. I guess that bothers me quite a bit now. The fact that I don't feel sorry or upset, I don't regret it, I just don't… it makes me a pirate. And I should be happy that my entire life's want is finally fulfilled, and normally I would be, but however… I might as well have lost my fiancé, as he no longer acknowledges me, I lost one of my best friends, my Father has no idea where I am, the entire Royal Navy is out looking for William and I, the witchdoctor is confusing me, I'm hungry and dinner's not for a few hours, and I'M STILL AN UNMARRIED VIRGIN!
I was supposed to have had my wedding night three weeks ago. But noooooooooooooo, of course not! And so I'm stuck waiting and waiting to the point that I'm about ready to break down. Plus we're leaving tomorrow for our extremely long journey. Because that's exactly what I need right now.
To be cooped up on a ship with a Captain that dislikes me, a crew that doesn't know me, and a fiancé whose shoulder is not there to lean on the way he is supposed to be. No, instead there I a nice cozy wall to lean on. Because there is a wall between us now.
Granted, we were all supposed to build walls up around ourselves to be able to make this journey and not be mentally or emotionally wounded, but I am already so deeply wounded that I don't think anything will surprise me. And Tia said that Will and my relationship needed to be our strong point, something we could think of to help us be happy in the worst situations, but instead there is a thicker wall between us now than there is between Pintel and I- which is to say something. Other than "Ewwwwww".
At least Anna Marie and I are getting along fairly well. Granted we are the only women on the ship, but we're getting along all the same. Will doesn't even trust her enough to let me share a room with her. So she shares one with Tia; which she says if fine, she really doesn't care. Which I suppose is good.
I was extremely shocked earlier today. I called Will, and he didn't come when I called him which is extremely unlike him. So I stepped into our room, and said his name again. He was sitting on his bunk, leaning against the wall, his eyes closed, pen and a blank book in his hands. So I called him a couple more times before he realized I was speaking to him. It was very entertaining; he was sitting there with his eyes closed in his ecstatic stage again.
Like he was concentrating on hearing my voice in his head. I wonder if he's hurting as much as I am. I wish he'd just come out and say that he wants me again. For God's sake I certainly am ready to tell him I want him right back. But he won't stay in the same spot long enough for me to tell him these feelings, so they stay cooped up and hidden away to the point that I feel like bursting.
That's why I started keeping a diary. Tia said it's good for letting emotions out that feel like they are strangling me. And these emotions have stopped merely strangling me long ago; now I am drowned by them. I just want to hold out my arms and have him rush to them like he used to, as a way to express that I love him. I wonder if he would still come to me if I did hold my arms out to him, or if he would ignore me like he normally does. Maybe I'll try. But I'm afraid to, because I'm so afraid that I would be humiliated if he refused me.
Maybe I should try in private. Maybe I should touch him again when he is not awake. So that I can still feel his touch; but I don't have to experience the hardness of his eyes with the loveliness of feeling his skin under mine again.
His touch… used to make me shiver with love for him… the air around us always felt like a vacuum, sucking the air out of my lungs because of his touch. It used to make me gasp, though I wouldn't know anymore because he doesn't even look at me with the same intensity he used to.
He looks at me with intensity all right, just a different kind. The kind that you wonder if they're thinking about murdering you or just leaving you on, marooned an island as they had Jack. I miss Jack also. He brought Will into my life; Will told me that it was Jack first made him realize that he loved me. That for someone who was so against piracy he was certainly on his way to becoming one. First he stole a man out of prison, and then helped said man commandeer a ship, and he's completely obsessed with treasure.
Will said that he told Jack he was not obsessed with treasure, and that Jack told him "not all treasure is gold and silver"… I miss those moments, when Will would tell me about his adventure with Jack to rescue me… I remember him saying that before Jack was put into jail the same day that he cut my corset off of me, he was hiding from the guards and went to Will's shop. Will said that he came back from delivering the sword to Father and saw his blacksmith master still asleep, right where he left him… but that one of his tools was not right where he left it, and that there was this hat laying to the side… and that when he reached for the hat, Jack snatched it from him and they battled right there in the shop.
I remember laughing about how when Will and he were fighting Jack wanted to know who made them all, and when Will said he did and that he practiced with them three hours a day, Jack told him he needed to find a girl. Will said when he mentioned me that Jack told him that "Ah, so you have a girl, just the wooing is a problem", and Will fought harder.
I can tell you that the wooing is not an issue when he feels like it. But lately it's been an issue. Maybe he's tired of me? That's a definite possibility, though it's never seemed to be a problem before! Maybe he just doesn't want to act romantically inclined in front of others, though that was never a problem before either. This is beginning to hurt again. I need to go, before my thoughts consume me so that I do not even hear someone right in front of me. Will enters the room. Now is my chance to confront him.
- Elizabeth
