My Stupid Cupid,
By Quaxo
The first step in 'Operation Nerdy Sex' is figuring out how, exactly, Theresa would seduce Barbie. I should just rent a bunch of eighties John Waters' films and take notes, proper research and all, but I'm pretty sure I can't stand that much cheesiness without my arteries clogging or becoming lactose intolerant. Lesbian porn would be much more entertaining and potentially useful, but that might mean letting Jordan in on the plan and she'd only mess things up.
In a way Operation Nerdy Sex is a lot like the "War on Terror", except not motivated by oil and with hopefully fewer casualties (except for mental scars that I'll sustain). It was a battle being fought on two fronts, because it wasn't enough to seduce Barbie, Mary-Jean needed to be "seduced" too.
As cringe-inducing as it is to dip into the delusional mind of "Dr." Newbie Dorian, it's necessary. Because Barbie needs to eventually put two and two together and realize that her mysterious suitor is Newbie. Hopefully the presence of this mysterious suitor will inspire some manly jealousy in Newbie's chest and voila! One miserable-forever-after couple.
"Delivery for Dr. Reid?"
"Oooh! Elliot these are so beautiful! I thought you weren't seeing anybody?"
"I'm not, and please… a dozen red roses? Could this guy get any more lame? He could at least have shown some thought instead of going for the most boring gift he could think of."
"Well, if you don't want them--"
"NO, I'll keep them, but I'm just not going to read the card…"
"Hey! Barbie! Give the man some credit here, he at least was thinking of you. I mean, it's not as if they're beating down your door since you devoured the soul of your last mate there…"
"IDIDNOTEATKEITH'SSOUL!!"
"Really? Because he really hasn't been the same since you broke off the engagement."
"Oh god! What if these are from Keith!? I told him to stop doing this. Here Carla, you can have them."
"Tick tock, tick tock Barbie! That biological clock isn't going to stop until you find some guy willing to throw some action your way."
"What is that supposed to mean!?"
"That maybe a woman of your age can't afford to be too picky…"
"Oh god, you sound just like my mother… Excuse me--"
"Just what was that about, 'Chief' Cox?"
"Nothing! I'm just sick of you girls hating on us guys just because we don't live up to your new fantasies of romance."
" 'Hating'?"
"Fell asleep while MTV was on… go pull Barbie out of whatever storage closet she's hidden herself in."
"Yes, sir, 'Chief' Cox."
"And quit using ironic quotes around my title!"
There went a hundred and fifty dollars down the drain. What is wrong with Barbie? What woman doesn't like a dozen long-stem red roses? It's a classic! So it wasn't the most original of ideas, but I'm scrapping this whole mission if I have to get into the paranoia funhouse that is Barbie's brain too.
She didn't even read the letter! I spent three agonizing hours listening to Journey and trying to write a Newbie-ish poem for that stupid card that I could've spent it drinking and watching baseball.
This isn't going to work if I can't get Barbie curious about her secret admirer. How is Newbie supposed to get jealous of this secret admirer if she won't give him the time of day!? That bitch.
And I thought getting Jordan to marry me was hard…
Oh Barbie, you may have won this battle, but I WILL win this war.
