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Less is More
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At first Emma thought she knew what to expect. That was part of the problem. She had read and listened to other people's experiences to form her expectations. But this didn't work like that. This was too close to home and far more so than she was comfortable with.
Emma didn't do personal. She was not the type of person to mix work with home or get caught up in gossip. She didn't like people knowing the intimate details of her life. She was not on social media for exactly that reason. Exposure and too much of it had been her reality on steroids lately.
But cancer was like that; too personal.
Too much.
Too real and in her face.
More than she thought she could handle.
And Emma wished it was less. Less doctor visits, less infusions, less medication, less paperwork, and less bills. Less of everything about how their life had changed. But not less like she noticed Regina had been eating or less like the number on the scale, or less like she touched her wife least she leave a bruise or cause pain. Less bone mass, less red cells and white cells and platelets flowing in veins under caramel skin that had become defined in some places the more the weight came off.
And through it all Emma was determined to do more.
More smiling, more positive thinking, more chores around the house, cooking and more of the things Regina used to have the energy for. And if she couldn't do it she paid to have it done. Then it became too much and she struggled to do everything that needed doing in addition to caring for her wife. More and more Emma learned to ask for help. That was hard to do the first time. Then it became easier and easier to say yes when she was too exhausted to say no.
Emma had always been her own plan B when life got hard. Then Regina happened and she learned to be vulnerable in ways she had never imagined. Stripped raw for the taking in a way she only let her wife see her. And she let Regina take her in any which way because Emma trusted that Regina would always make sure she landed on her feet.
Every single time Regina kept that promise.
More time was passing though and less was becoming more in a way that Emma was struggling to deal with. Through it all, like always and always Regina put on the brave mask. Had a smile, a joke or smart ass remark for any loop that got thrown their way. But those amber colored eyes she loved to get lost in started to say something else; something less and something more at the same time.
Emma noticed it the first time after they had gotten the PET scan results. Then a little more when the first day of chemo arrived. And with the more came the mask Regina put on and the less Regina let her see behind.
They used to sleep naked; curled side by side like the only answer to a question. Regina had taken to wearing pajamas, insisting that the medication made her cold. And Emma went with it. At first. But her wife always ran hot, often throwing the covers off them in the middle of the night. She missed that skin on her skin.
And lips on her lips. They used to make out like teenagers. Tasting each other's dreams and hopes on mouths whispering together long into the night. Now they had to be careful about germs and infections and swapping body fluid on days before, during, and after chemo.
Emma learned to get used to wearing a white face mask that hooked behind her ears when she thought she might be sick. And sleeping in the guest room on nights she felt less then well. Just in case. Just to be sure her sniffles were not something more. But always during those nights Regina found her. In dreams they met, they touched, they kissed and soaked the sheets with sweat from their love making. And one night she woke up to Regina curled up alongside her in the guest room anyway, one arm wrapped tight around her waist refusing to let go. That was the last night she let Regina sleep alone, sniffles be damned. But Emma still took precautions.
This new normal her life was becoming changed the way she thought about everyday things. They used to do a lot of things Emma found herself missing. And not the things she thought she might miss if she would have been asked for her predictions in the beginning of this nightmare. She thought the things she would miss would be more somehow. But the things she missed were things like running errands together and taking a long walk in the evenings. They still did those things, but in much shorter time increments and with specific planning around medications and energy levels. Just less than they used to.
The C-word took over in every way. There was no getting away from it. It was on the radio, TV, on billboards, in their mail, their pantry, the medicine cabinet, on the scale, their schedule, in sleep, their lips, their minds; no getting away, no breaks, no breathing room. And Regina seemed to be disappearing behind the mask of 'I'm fine' more and more.
But Emma was not fine. And she didn't think Regina was either.
Emma thought about all this as she watched her wife go into the bathroom for a shower. That door closed when it never used to and the click today was too much. Emma listened as the water came on. Like the water spilling down her cheeks she wiped at with her finger tips and then her palms when her eyes wouldn't shut up.
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As a child Regina's mother used to call it her crowning glory. Her father loved seeing it fly out like a flag whenever they rode horses together. Their son Henry used to curl his chubby little fingers around the ends to soothe when he was a toddler.
And Emma.
Emma loved to bury a nose right in it at the nape of her neck and smell her conditioner. Those fingers liked to stroke and brush through it whenever her girl was upset. Liked to grab it as an anchor whenever they made love. They still did that, but it was careful and Regina was so tired of being careful. She missed the carefree and playful ways Emma would touch her. More she missed the light in her wife's eyes. It was there. Emma made sure of that, but less of that light shined on the hard days. There seemed to be more of those as of late.
Today was one of them.
Regina sighed and stared down at her lap and the newest thing she would need to adapt to. At first it was only a little. Hardly more than the normal amount lost on any given day. Then it started being more and more until it was thinning all together. This went on for weeks as her body began changing more. Her skin, her nails, her weight and coloring. Finally it was affecting her hair and Regina began to wash it less. Brushed it less. And less it became. She took to wearing it naturally wavy. For a few weeks the volume of it seemed like more. But it was still less as time went on.
She knew this was a possibility. More than that; knew it was inevitable with the chemo cocktail she was on. But it didn't seem real at first. Round one of chemo and the loss had begun. But it wasn't noticeable. By round two it was becoming that way. She wondered if she would have any left when round three came to be. She had been able to hide it until now. Been creative with her style and preparation. Now when she looked in the mirror it was obvious. Maybe not yet to others, but to her it was. And soon it would be to Emma.
Regina didn't want her girl to look at her that way. Like she was sick.
But now she looked sick. She looked like the women in those commercials. The ones who smiled for whatever drug was being advertised and promised the return of what was being lost. Regina smiled like that or tried to, but lately her smile did not reach her eyes. That she knew Emma noticed and seemed to today when they had been making dinner together, or started to before she had to sit down as a wave of nausea took over her stomach.
She had tried to eat the tacos Emma ended up making for them. But the seasoned ground turkey felt like gravel in her mouth and burned when she swallowed, scraping her sensitive throat. Still she forced that first bite down. She had to eat. Had to regain the weight she lost. Emma said as much without saying it. Emma had turned their date to cook around with a smile saying she was excited to cook on her own. To show what had been learned the last few months in the kitchen. Her dolce nina had gone all out in preparation.
Regina couldn't get down a second bite.
Emma insisted gently at first and then more so until Regina had snapped. Hadn't meant to. Neither of them had. Their natural roles had changed. The sun now shined at night or so it felt with her girl's care giving. What was once her role had been taken like she felt the parts of her life had been taken away. And Emma hadn't meant to in that way; was doing her best to keep their roles intact. That balance they both needed. Regina knew that. Appreciated that more than she could say. But in that moment it was too much. She shook her head to clear that ache away wishing the ones in her neck and spine would go away as easily.
Regina dropped her eyes. Strands of her fallen hair woven between fingers rested in her lap. In the bathroom she sat wrapped in a towel on the edge of the tub after her shower and it just kept coming out. Her eyes burned. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream, but instead she sat silent running her fingertips across the soft pile it was becoming between hands she didn't recognize as her own anymore.
Looking up again, she met the eyes in the mirror and wondered who they belonged to. And in an instant they became recognizable the more she looked and the more she realized the silence she was hiding behind was not so silent anymore.
It was breaking.
She heard the tears she wanted to let go of. Crying on the other side of the door. Regina realized suddenly those tears were on this side of the door too. She stood and reached automatically for a towel to wrap around her head as her cheeks became wet. Pausing as her hand hovered and after a moment she dropped it and opened the door instead. Going right to the bed and climbing up to sit, Regina pulled the tight hot bundle Emma had become in a tangle of blankets right up into her arms and held on.
So strong and so tired and so much more Emma was holding for both of them that Regina just held her wife. Kissed her girl. For a moment without letting the reason for being careful get between their skin as the towel fell away.
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Emma let out a strangled cry against Regina's shoulder, letting herself go to that raw place behind her eyes and then she remembered. Tried to sit up, to be careful, but her wife held her in such a way that moving didn't seem possible. Impossible and for a moment Emma let it be so in those arms. Those hard feelings came out and she cried with abandon. The months of worry and fear, of trying so hard, of working, of praying, of hoping; more tears came.
And Regina cried too.
Right along with her and the mask fell away for the tears they shared. For the same feelings they had been carefully keeping from and for the other in the name of love. To be more for each other in this fight they were in.
Sorry was said. On both their parts.
Emma reached up to cup Regina's cheek and her palm was kissed. Then she ran her hand through dark hair as a promise slipped from red lips not to let the mask come back again. Not to let it get in the way. Then Emma realized why maybe Regina had been hiding away from her tonight. It lay between them on the white blanket; a few dark strands crossed and tangled. She didn't say anything. She didn't need to, but Emma did pick each one up and bring it to her lips to kiss.
One battle fell down their cheeks just then and dripped onto their joined hands. Emma squeezed and Regina squeezed back. And between their hands Emma found some of her that had been missing. Small smiles for each other now spoke of understanding that came from the years of knowing the soul they were holding.
And that something more, when everything felt like less, would give them the hope they needed to keep fighting.
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A/N – Never give up that something more. Less is only what you make it. Thanks for reading.
