Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, BBC does. This purely for fun.

Author's note: I always intended Regrets to be a one shot, but my beta convinced me to turn it into a short series instead. I wrote this chapter some time ago, but wanted to wait with posting it until Love Worth Remembering was finished. The third and final chapter has already been written and is being betaed at the moment.

I'm indebted to my beta, Darcy58, for his helpful suggestions, constructive critique and endless encouragement. Thank you.


Tentative Friends

Jack sat in his office, idly fingering the broken arm-blade of the Sleeper known as Beth. His thoughts dwelled on the dark, difficult hours they had been through and on another life they had lost. Granted, it had been Beth's choice to die, but Jack could not help wondering whether there was something else, something more they could have done for the poor woman. It was a question he asked time and time again. There was so much death, so many lives destroyed in the wake of what they did.

His darks thoughts were interrupted by Ianto quietly stepping into his office.

"I was just heading out and I wondered if there was anything else you needed before I go, Sir?"

Ianto's eyes flickered to the weapon in Jack's hands and then returned to focus on Jack, his face perfectly composed.

"I'm good, thanks," Jack said, shaking his head. He watched as Ianto turned to go and on an impulse called after him:

"Hey, Ianto?"

"Yes?"

Ianto walked closer this time, an eyebrow raised in a silent question.

"Do you… Would you like to go for a drink, maybe grab a bite to eat if you're hungry?" Jack asked with a hint of uncertainty.

What little emotion had been visible on Ianto's face before now disappeared. He turned partly away from Jack, towards the door, like he could not wait to get out of the office.

"I thought I made it clear before that I was not ready to go there with you," Ianto said quietly.

"Oh no, that's not what I meant!" Jack rushed to reply, realising that Ianto had misinterpreted his question. "I wasn't asking you out on a date."

"You weren't?" Ianto looked puzzled.

"No, you made your decision and I respect that," Jack spoke, his tone soft. "But you also said that you would be my friend and I could really use one tonight. I thought maybe you could too."

The hardness in Ianto's eyes softened and he came closer again. His eyes strayed back to the alien blade and that seemed to make his mind up for him.

"So a drink and something to eat, as friends?" He clarified. Jack nodded. "Yes, I think I'd like that."

"Brilliant, let's go!" Jack got up with a broad grin on his face.

"Should I put that in the archives first?" Ianto pointed to the blade.

"Not tonight." Jack shook his head. "It'll still be there tomorrow morning."

"Very well, Sir," Ianto agreed.

He walked over to the coat stand and picked up Jack's long coat. Returning to Jack, he held it open so that Jack could slip it on. As soon as the coat was on, Ianto stepped back.

They exited the Hub via the tourist office and paused side by side to breathe in the fresh, salty air. Between ragged clouds, a handful of stars were shining, their visibility dimmed by the glow of the city lights.

"Is there anywhere in particular you'd like to go?" Jack asked as they started walking across the Plass.

Ianto thought for a moment. "There's a new Mexican place just a few minutes' walk away that I've heard good things about. How about we give it a go? I think we could both do with dinner as well as drinks."

"Sounds like a plan."

It was late enough that the restaurant was relatively quiet and they chose a table where they could talk without the risk of being overheard by the other patrons. They sat in silence for a while, both engrossed in the menu. Having made their choices, they flagged a waiter to take their order.

"How are you, Ianto?" Jack asked, while they waited for their drinks to arrive.

"I'm fine, Sir."

"Ianto, please. We're here as friends, not as colleagues. I do have a name."

Ianto quirked an eyebrow. "Technically it's someone else's name."

Jack made a face. "Just humour me, please."

"Very well," Ianto replied with a hint of amusement in his eyes. "I'm fine, Jack."

Jack smiled. "That's better. Your answer is awful, though."

"How so?" Ianto asked, looking surprised.

"Because you didn't really say anything at all, merely gave me a stock response reserved for relative strangers."

"Very observant, Si- Jack," Ianto conceded.

Their drinks were delivered and they smiled their thanks to the waiter. Ianto snagged a tortilla chip from the bowl they had ordered and scooped up a generous helping of guacamole.

Jack took a sip of his water and fixed Ianto with a pointed stare. "So how are you?"

Ianto gave him a tiny smile as he considered the question. "It's been quite a month," he admitted. "I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all. Between you returning, John Hart and his games, and these Sleeper agents hiding among the general population; yeah, it's a lot even by our standards."

"It is a lot." Jack reached out to take his hand, reconsidered and picked up a tortilla chip instead. "I really am sorry I left like that."

Ianto shrugged with a rueful smile. "You had your reasons, I'm sure."

"I did." Jack nodded. "Nevertheless, you all deserved more than just an empty office and CCTV footage of me running away." He looked at Ianto with a serious expression. "You most of all."

"We never made any promises to one another." Ianto glanced away, his lips twisting into an ironic smile. "Whatever it was we had; well, I had no claim over you."

"Still, I handled things badly, as usual."

"Perhaps," Ianto conceded. "But what's done is done. Time to move on."

They lapsed into silence, during which their food arrived. Ianto picked at his side salad, aware of just how awkward things were between him and Jack.

I shouldn't have agreed to this, he thought. I said I'd be his friend, but I'm not sure I can be after all.

"Gwen asked me where I went and what happened to me," Jack said all of a sudden. Ianto looked up at him with raised eyebrows, before finally picking up his burrito.

"Yes, I know," he said and took a bite of his food.

"I know you do," Jack acknowledged with a hint of awkwardness. "In fact, she's asked that more than once. Everyone has, except you. Why is that?"

Ianto took a sip of his drink. "I didn't want to pry. You're a man who keeps his secrets close, that much is obvious. I assumed that if you wanted me to know, you'd tell me."

"Thank you for not pushing," Jack replied with genuine gratitude.

"You have as much right to secrets as the rest of us."

"Not everyone seems to think so," Jack pointed out.

Ianto shrugged. "People have been wrong before." He smiled when Jack looked up in surprise. "It does happen, you know. But granted, as our leader, if you have information that might put us in danger, it would be good if you shared it. Beyond that, you're just a human, and therefore entitled to the same degree of privacy as the rest of us."

"I can't die," Jack reminded him.

"That doesn't make you any less human," Ianto countered, with a hint of empathy in his eyes.

"I'm from the future."

"I thought as much," Ianto murmured, largely to himself. He then glanced at Jack. "Still human, though."

"I was born in a different galaxy, on the surface of an alien world," Jack offered, not quite sure why he was pushing the issue.

Ianto considered his words for a moment. "Now, does that mean that technically I've had sex with an alien?" he queried, the corner of his mouth twitching.

Jack had just taken a sip of his water and Ianto's unexpected reply made him choke. He coughed and spluttered for quite some time, trying to regain his composure. Ianto watched his struggles with an amused smile.

"Seems I've discovered a way to render you speechless, Sir," he commented evenly. "I'll be sure to remember that for future reference."

"I didn't realise that was on the agenda for tonight," Jack remarked dryly when he finally got his breath back.

"Consider it an amusing side effect," Ianto deadpanned.

"Amusing may not be the right word."

"So you say." Ianto's eyes were dancing with laughter.

They finished their dinner in comfortable silence, each smiling at the direction the conversation had taken. The waiters were starting to tidy up the restaurant, so they paid for their meal and left.

The wind had picked up while they were eating and there was an edge of chill in the air. Ianto buttoned up his coat, but then turned to face the wind. When he spoke, his words were swept away almost before Jack could hear them.

"It's not too late yet. Fancy going for a quick walk?"

"Sure. Where to?"

"The Landsea Gardens will be quiet; we can talk without being heard," Ianto suggested.

"Lead the way."

They walked side by side along the dark road, neither troubled by the wind growing stronger as they left the relative shelter of the buildings. As Ianto had predicted, the gardens were deserted - most of Cardiff were already at home and asleep.

"I'm sorry, Ianto," Jack apologised out of the blue.

"What for?" Ianto frowned in confusion.

"For Beth, for today."

Ianto slowed down and stopped. Jack turned to face him.

"I'm not sure I follow, Jack."

"I'm sorry I couldn't find a better resolution for Beth, one that didn't end with her dying," Jack clarified, both his voice and his expression conveying his genuine regret.

"None of us found a solution," Ianto reminded him. He appeared to sense where the conversation was headed and the unreadable mask rose to gradually obscure the real Ianto.

"But as your leader, it's my job to save the day, preferably while looking suitably dashing." Jack's sad smile was at odds with the humour in his words. "And I failed to do so."

"We all wanted to save her and we all failed."

Jack rubbed a hand hover his tired eyes. "And as a result we had to shoot her."

"So we did," Ianto agreed, his voice carefully neutral.

Jack reached out to lay his hand on Ianto's shoulder. "I saw, Ianto."

Ianto met Jack's eyes, face blank. "Saw what, Sir?"

"Don't hide from me," Jack implored, taking a step closer and squeezing his shoulder. "Please."

"You probably saw a lot of things," Ianto hedged, looking at his feet. He shifted sideways a little, so that Jack's hand slipped off his shoulder and ran down his arm, before the contact between them was broken.

Jack reached out to take Ianto's hand, but again he hesitated and let his hand drop to his side.

When he spoke again, his words were slow and gentle. "I saw you drop your gun like it burned your fingers. I saw you turn away and head for the tunnels as soon as you possibly could. I saw you, Ianto, the real you, the one you hide behind that mask of yours far too often."

"I see." Ianto turned away and began walking again. Jack had to lengthen his strides to catch up with him.

"I'm not judging you, if that's what you're worried about," he hurried to explain. "I just want you to know that I understand."

Ianto glanced at him, looking sceptical, but said nothing.

"I know how hard it must have been for you to pull that trigger, to shoot Beth," Jack pressed on, undeterred by Ianto's lack of response. "It was the night Lisa died all over again, except this time you were one of the people holding the gun."

Ianto whirled around so fast Jack collided with him. He considered taking a step back, but chose to stay in Ianto's personal space. Ianto opened his mouth to speak, but instead he took a few deep breaths to calm himself. When he finally spoke, his words were cool and clipped.

"I had to protect Gwen - we all did. She's part of the team after all."

Jack felt understanding flash through his mind. He rested his hands on Ianto's arms as he nodded. "And that makes it all the worse, doesn't it? Because the night Lisa died, it was you against the team, against the rest of us. We were protecting the planet, not you, and certainly not whatever was left of your girlfriend. No matter how much you kept yourself from us, you were still part of the team and we – I – turned our backs on you."

Despite Jack's soothing tone, Ianto recoiled like he had been punched in the gut. Only Jack's hold on him kept him from backing away. For a moment, his carefully crafted façade crumbled and Jack caught a glimpse of the young man behind the nigh impenetrable defences.

"You …" Ianto started to speak, but the words died in his throat.

"I'm sorry, Ianto. I keep failing you. I failed you that night and every day leading up to Lisa's death. I don't think I've stopped letting you down since. I should have held you through your mourning, been there for you as a friend, instead of eagerly leaping into a casual relationship with you, which only ended up causing you more grief. My only hope is that in time I might be able to make up for my short comings and that in time you might come to forgive me."

"We've never really talked about any of this before," Ianto pointed out, his voice hesitant, "so why now?"

"Because we should have talked about this a long time ago. I know we spent time together during your suspension, but in some ways it was time wasted exactly because we didn't talk about the things that needed talking about, we didn't say the things that we should have said to each other."

"So much time has passed, I'm not really sure what to say now," Ianto admitted.

"I think we'll figure it out," Jack reassured him. "It's not necessarily a conversation we need to have now, but consider this rather as the opening of a frank and open dialogue between us."

Ianto searched his eyes for a moment and whatever he found there led him to incline his head in agreement. "Wherever you went, whatever happened to you while you were away, you came back a changed man," he murmured, largely to himself.

Jack caught his words and for a brief moment a shadow passed across his eyes. "I did. Perhaps now I finally appreciate what I had and how I should have acted, as your leader, you friend and your lover."

"I didn't make things easy for you by hiding so much of myself. And that applies to the time after Lisa died as well as before it."

Jack gave him a rueful smile. "But that should have only made me try harder to get close to you. Instead I chose the easy road and look where it led us; look what we've become."

"It's not too late for everything. You," Ianto started and then hesitated, "you could hold me now." The words were spoken so softly Jack barely heard them.

Watching Ianto's reactions carefully, Jack slid his arms around him and pulled him into a hug. He felt Ianto's arms snake around his back to clutch fistfuls of his coat. Ianto rested his forehead against Jack's shoulder, hiding his face from view. Jack leaned his own head down against Ianto's and inhaled the scent of his hair.

They stayed in the embrace for a long time. It occurred to Jack as he held Ianto that they never really paused to enjoy closeness in such a fashion before. For them, touch and intimacy had always been about sex, about heated kisses and urgent fingers tugging clothes out of the way. He realised with a pang of regret that he had missed out on more than just a date with Ianto. Their relationship had the potential to be far more than he ever appreciated and now he might never know just how far that potential extended.

When Ianto finally pulled back, his face was composed once more, but Jack sensed that he was not hiding behind his usual mask. He hesitantly left his hands resting on Ianto's hips, uncertain how such an intimate gesture would be received. Ianto, however, just smiled.

"Thank you, Jack. Your apology means a lot to me, as does the acknowledgement that although we've both gone about things in an unhelpful fashion, you'd like that to change. I do too. And I likewise owe you an apology," Ianto said, his voice gaining more confidence as he spoke.

"What for?" Jack frowned.

"For not trusting you to do the right thing, not just for the team but for everyone. For not having faith in you. But most of all, for not stopping Owen before he shot you."

"Oh, Ianto," Jack murmured, eyes flooding with understanding. "I forgave you a long time ago. I forgave all of you when I came back to life after Abaddon."

"Doesn't mean I forgave myself. Or indeed that I deserved your forgiveness," Ianto told him, looking away. "I should have trusted you to see the bigger picture. You've shown yourself capable of doing so time and time again, but that time...I couldn't stand by you. I wanted to, I really did. And it wasn't just because I had a vision of Lisa telling me to open the Rift, I guess my trust in you simply wasn't as strong as it ought to have been. And for that, I'm truly sorry."

Jack let out a sigh, filled with a new found appreciation of just how similar they were. They both carried a heavy burden on their shoulders.

"I hadn't exactly inspired much trust recently, had I? I said some terrible things to you, to goad you, and I shut all of you out when you needed me to share my knowledge with you the most. I handled that badly, just for a change. I didn't treat you as a team, indeed I didn't trust you. So what reason did you have to trust me? And that was before you then found that I had held back on the biggest secret of all; that I can't die."

"But we'd already betrayed you by then," Ianto reminded him.

"And yet that was almost further justification for you not trusting me, was it not?"

"I see you point," Ianto conceded.

"So you see, I understand well why you all acted the way you did. The mark of a good leader is the ability to inspire trust and loyalty and I clearly failed in that. It would have been hypocritical of me to then not forgive you afterwards."

"Nevertheless, I can't help but to feel guilty and responsible about everything that happened."

There was a moment's silence as they both considered what had been said.

"How about this, then," Jack suggested. "We forgive each other here and now? That should at the very least be the first step to forgiving ourselves."

Ianto considered his words. "Do you really think it's that simple?"

"I honestly don't know," Jack admitted. "But what I do know is that there are shadows of past deeds hanging between us and I feel like we have ghosts to exorcise before we can truly be friends. And I would very much like to be your friend. But even more than that, I want to trust you and for you to feel that you can trust me. And I'm not sure we're quite there yet."

"The team will follow you now in a way we never quite followed you before."

Jack shook his head. "This is not about the team, about Torchwood. This is just about you and me."

Ianto thought for a moment and then nodded slowly. "You're right; and I too want us to be friends. So..." Ianto took a deep breath. "I forgive you. I forgive you for keeping secrets and for shooting Lisa. I understand now, as I did on some level already back then, that you only did what was necessary. I also forgive you for holding back your knowledge of the Rift and the consequences of opening it, and indeed for pushing us away when we needed your guidance and your trust in us."

Jack was about to respond, but Ianto indicated that he should wait.

"On the back of all of that, there's something I need to ask of you. And I realise that it's a selfish of me to request this, but would you please promise me one thing? When you leave again, please warn me first, or at least leave a note."

"Ianto..." Jack closed his eyes briefly. "I'm not going to leave again."

The look of disbelief in Ianto's eyes wounded him more than he had imagined.

"I left to find the right kind of Doctor, my Doctor, to see if he could make me mortal again. But he couldn't fix me and that means no one in the universe can. So I have no reason to leave again."

Although Jack's words went some way towards softening Ianto's guarded expression, it was clear that he did not believe Jack.

"Please just promise me that?" he repeated. "I don't want to spend every day wondering if today will be the day when you disappear again."

Jack was careful to maintain eye contact as he inclined his head. "Very well. I promise that if I leave again, I won't do so without advance warning or without leaving a note."

"Thank you, Jack." There was a note of relief in Ianto's voice.

"My turn now?" Jack checked.

"Yes."

"And I, in turn, forgive you for hiding Lisa in the Hub and for endangering us all. Just as I forgive you for your participation in opening the Rift and for not stopping Owen from shooting me."

They watched each other for a long moment, each weighing the words that had just been spoken. Both were aware of Jack's hands on Ianto's arms and the proximity of their bodies.

"So, was it that simple?" Ianto ventured to ask.

"I still don't know, but I would say that it's a step in the right direction at least."

"I think so too."

Jack gave him a small smile. "Then for that reason alone it was worth doing. Besides, I do think that the apologies we've made were long overdue."

With a final squeeze of Ianto's arms, Jack stepped away and they resumed walking. Both appeared less burdened after making their apologies.

Ianto led Jack along a meandering path through the Landsea Gardens until he reached the end of the stone walkway and open sea spread out before them. He only stopped when his toes were over the edge of the paving and drew in a deep breath. As he exhaled, a great deal of tension left his body.

"I love this place," he murmured.

Jack watched him with interest as another realisation about Ianto Jones flashed through is mind. "Is this were you come when you need to be alone?"

"Yes." Ianto nodded, his eyes fixed on the dark horizon. "This is my rooftop."

"Why bring me here?" Jack asked, genuinely curious about his reasoning.

"You shared something of yourself today," Ianto replied and finally glanced in Jack's direction. "It seemed only fair that I do the same."

"Thank you."

Ianto nodded without a word as a particularly strong gust of wind whipped and tore at their clothes.

Since the night had unexpectedly become about apologies, Jack thought he had one more to make. "I'm sorry about Gwen."

Ianto raised an eyebrow in silent query, but said nothing.

"About flirting with her so much, about letting her get away with far more than the rest of you do. But flirting is as far as it goes, as far as it's ever gone."

"I don't know why you're apologising to me, Jack," Ianto said cautiously. "As I said earlier, I have no claim over you."

"I know you did, but I felt, still feel, that you deserved an explanation. My asking you out was in no way a consequence of that conversation in the corridor with Gwen. I had always intended to propose a date, but as usual my timing was atrocious."

Ianto stared at him for a long moment, his face inscrutable. "Okay," he eventually said.

"However poorly I may have conveyed it," Jack continued, taking heart from Ianto's response, not matter how vague it was, "I need you to know that you were never a second choice for me, not before I left and certainly not after I came back."

"Thank you for setting the record straight," Ianto replied with a small smile. "I must admit, I did assume otherwise."

Jack nodded. "I know, Tosh told me. Among other things."

Ianto tilted his head to the side as he raised an eyebrow. "She said she spoke to you, but she didn't really elaborate much further than that."

"She was pretty blunt," Jack chuckled. "But then again, that's exactly what I needed, so she did me a favour, really."

"She has a habit of being exactly what we need," Ianto mused quietly.

"Agreed." Jack smiled fondly as he thought about their friend. The smile faded away as he glanced at Ianto with caution. "So, are you seeing anyone at the moment?"

"No." Ianto shook his head with a wry twist of his lips. "As I said, you're a tough act to follow."

Jack tried not to show how much Ianto's words pleased him, before venturing to ask another question that had been on his mind during the year on Valiant and ever since he returned to Cardiff. "And while I was away, did you date anyone?"

Ianto let out a hollow laugh. "Date? No. Shag? Yes, plenty of people. I thought I'd try taking a leaf out of Owen's book to see if that might be what I needed, what I was looking for."

"And was it?" Jack found he was holding his breath while waiting for Ianto's response.

"No, it wasn't. Quite the opposite, in fact. So it got old pretty quickly and I gave it up after a while."

Jack felt relief wash over him. "I have no doubt that you'll find someone soon; someone who truly deserves you," he said with a warm smile.

"We'll see," Ianto replied thoughtfully, a small frown creasing the skin between his eyebrows.

As another gust of wind hit him, Jack shivered despite his long coat. "It's pretty late, so we should probably get back," he commented with a hint of reluctance.

"Good idea," Ianto agreed and turned away from the dark sea.

They retraced their steps through the empty gardens. The Plass was likewise deserted and as if by silent agreement they made their way to the invisible lift. Jack stepped onto the paving stone, while Ianto stopped next to it.

"Do you want me to make you a cup of coffee before I head home?" Ianto asked, uncertain how to say good night to Jack.

"No need." Jack shook his head. "I'll give the monitors a brief check and then go to bed. No doubt you could do with a good night's sleep as well."

"You're probably right," Ianto acknowledged the sense in his words. "In any case, we should make the most of the opportunity to rest."

"Quite so." Jack gave Ianto a smile that belied his nervousness. "Thank you for tonight. I'm really glad we had a chance to talk."

Ianto responded with a smile of his own. "Me too. I do think it helped a great deal. Good night, Jack."

"Good night, Ianto."

Jack watched Ianto walk away towards his car. After a few moments, he activated the lift with his wrist strap, feeling lighter than he had for some time. He and Ianto may have begun the day as colleagues, but maybe, just maybe they had ended it as tentative friends.