Edarchy

Chapter 2: Cigarettes and Running...

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy; I don't own the song that Edd will sing later on; and I don't own anything KMFDM-related.

A/N: ... A perfect combination! Not really, for obvious reasons. But here, we get to see Edd's morning on 3.23.98, where he goes for his usual morning jog, buys some cigarettes and gets ready for work. And, since I've just explained a few of the things he's done, I think it's time to start this chapter. But before I do, I unintentionally hid an insult, and included a stealthily-obvious pun, in the last chapter. If you find them both, then you win... something or other, I don't know or care.


It was 5:00am. Edd was asleep in his bed, having a dream where he met Nikola Tesla and the two of them work together on the Tesla coil. If anything, his bedding was pretty much white with a list of scientific equations on there, like the Archard equation, the Lorentz Factor and the classic Mass-energy equivalence (or e=MC^2). To the right is a bedstand with an alarm clock and his beanie, which was black with a green stripe around the brim.

And the precise moment that, in his dream world, that he and his idol were going to test the finished coil, his alarm clock went off. However, it wasn't a harsh constant ringing like Eddy's. Instead, it played some smooth jazz whilst a voice, who sounds like a cross between Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers, stated. 'Good morning, you're listening to 109 FM – The Reed. I'm John Ambrosius and next up is...'

Before the song played, Edd woke up and turned off the alarm. After stretching his arms, he woke up, got out of bed (he was wearing an undershirt and dark blue Y-fronts), put on his beanie and went out of his bedroom, presumably to the kitchen. Though we couldn't see him, we could hear him pour something into a bottle and, once the pouring stopped, put the lid on; as well as putting on some clothes.

He then walked back into his bedroom. We could see that, apart from the beanie, he was wearing a white shirt with a pocket on the front, tucked into black shorts with two white stripes around the waist; and blue socks that go halfway up his shins. After putting on a pair of trainers, he then walked over to his chest of drawers and picked up his Walkman. He checked to see if his mixtape was still in there – it was. But, before he went out for his daily morning jog, he went to check if he had any cigarettes left. But he hadn't.

A couple of minutes later, Edd was outside his apartment building, with his Walkman in his hand. After graduating from university in '97, Edd wanted to get away from the cul-de-sac. So he moved into an apartment downtown, though he does keep in touch with Ed, Eddy and – to a lesser extent – his parents from time to time. 'Right,' He said to himself. His voice was deeper than it was when he was 12-13, but, if you listen closely, there's some pre-pubescence still around. 'Must remember to get cigarettes.' At that point, he put in his earphones and began running.

At the turn of the decade, Edd found out that he had to pass physical education if he wanted to go to the next grade. After failing spectacularly at football (both American and European) and gymnastics, he took up running. After a few bad starts, he ended up coming first at the cross-country section of Peach Creek High's Annual Athletics Competition for two years in a row. In 1995, he entered the Peach Creek Marathon and ended up coming 25th. When asked about how he achieved such a high place, he said "Practice". Well, you'll get plenty of practice if you were constantly chased by three girls who would fuck your brains out given the chance.

After 23 minutes, Edd finally reached the convenience store. He paused his song, took out his earphones, went inside and walked to the counter. 'Yes, can I please have a carton of Berlins please?'

The clerk nodded and gave him the cigarettes he asked for. She was roughly the same age as him, give or take a couple of months, with red hair tied back in a ponytail, wearing a green shirt with the company's logo, brown trousers, the same trainers Edd was wearing (but in a different colour and size) and a white visor, also with the logo. 'That'll be $8.50.' She smiled.

Edd reached into his beanie and pulled out a $10 bill. 'Apologies, Miss. I'm having my usual morning run.'

'No problem.' She opened up the cash register and put in the somewhat soggy note, taking out his change.

'Thanks.' Edd smiled back and put the money back into his beanie.

'Enjoy your run.' She told him before he exited the store.

'I will!' Edd waved back.

Outside, he opened the carton and took out a cigarette. He patted down his shirt before wandering to a homeless person. He walked over to the burning bin and put in his cigarette. After taking a much needed drag, he gave his change to the hobo. 'Your patronage is much obliged...' He mumbled, snatching the dollar bill and two quarters.

'Don't spend it on alcohol!' Edd reminded him before walking back to the store front. Just as well, due to a slightly controversial law passed in 1988.

Five minutes later, he finished his cigarette and put it in a disposal canister. He then put in his earphones and pressed play on his Walkman. After doing a couple of stretches, he put the carton in his shirt pocket – just where his keys were – and resumed running whilst a ticker at the bottom of the screen said "Remember: Edd is a cartoon character – who managed to survive a wall falling on him." As if the readers needed reminding.

He then continued running around the block before deciding to head home. By the time he arrived back at his apartment, it was around 6am. He then took out his keys, which were in his shirt pocket, and unlocked the door, heading inside into his living room.

His living room had fake mahogany panelling on the walls and a green-grey carpet. On the walls were pictures of his family and friends, and on his door was a Life of Brian poster. To his left was the kitchen, where we could see a white fridge; an oven and three counters, whereas straight ahead is his bedroom. He then headed to his bathroom, which was to the right of his bedroom, opened the door and walked in, closing the door behind him.

His bathroom had white walls and a white floor. To the far side of the room was the toilet; to the left was a sink with a medicine cabinet above it. He then looked in the mirror (that was on the medicine cabinet) and took off his beanie, revealing his black and blond mullet. He then looked closer at the mirror and pulled up his fringe, revealing a bruise – presumably from the dodgeball incident. 'Well, Eddward, look at it this way.' He said to himself. 'Another three or four millennia and it would've cleared up.' He then put his dirty clothes into the hamper close to his door and stepped into the shower, which was in between the door and the toilet.

After a quarter of an hour, he got out of the shower and put on a towel. He then got out of the bathroom and went into his bedroom. A couple of minute later, he returned, wearing a navy blue polo shirt with the words "Java Hut" sown on them, his nametag, black trousers, black dress shoes and a hair net where the bands were so close together your couldn't really see his hair. He then walked into the kitchen and made himself a bowl of Chunky Puffs.

After eating them whilst in the kitchen, he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Once he finished doing that, he set up his Nintendo 64, plugged it into the TV, got out the controller and, after scanning his eyes across the shelf to see what games he had, picked out Super Mario 64. After making sure it was the right game (he puts end labels on every game he has, so he doesn't choose the wrong game by accident), he put it into the console and turned it on.

The time was now 8:02am. Realising that he had to be at work, he saved his game and then turned off the console. After unplugging everything and putting the game and the controller away, Edd grabbed his car keys and his cell phone – a Motorola StarTAC – walked to his car – a yellow 1993 BMW E34. When he was outside, he walked to the parking lot, just around the corner from the building.

When he got to his car, he unlocked it and got in. He started his car and drove out. He then turned on his stereo and chose a CD at random to play. After waiting a few seconds, Edd was listening to the song "Stupid Girl" by Garbage. After a while, he began to sing along but, unlike Ed, he was somewhat in-tune. 'Don't believe in fear, don't believe in faith. Don't believe in anything that you can't break...'

After 20 minutes, he finally arrived at his workplace. The Java Hut was a coffee shop on Main Street, not far from the candy store. It opened in 1975 and, although business was slow at first, it gained popularity, finally becoming the new hangout for the kids around '92-'93. After graduating university in 1997, Edd decided to work there to pay off his student loans. He drove into a parking lot, turned off the car, got outside, locked the car's doors and went inside the coffee shop.

Inside, the walls were orange wood-chip wallpaper whereas the floor consisted of blue ceramic tiles. On the walls, there were pictures of people drinking coffee; and on the grey metallic counter, there was the company logo. On the wall behind the counter, there was the list of what drinks people could order. And, in each corner of the room were stereo speakers so that customers could listen to music whilst having their drinks. Edd went behind the counter and checked the storage room to check who he'll be working with. Afterwards, he went to the coffee machine and made himself a medium cappuccino.

After he sat down to drink his drink, the manager walked in. She was in her early 40s, with black hair that looks like a Rachel/ponytail hybrid. She was wearing the same clothes Edd was wearing, but instead it was a white long-sleeved polyester shirt and she wasn't wearing a hair net. 'Mornin' Eddward.' She said in a [faintly] stereotypical Canadian accent. 'You know, I never got why it's two Ds instead of one.'

'Chances are it was a typographical error on my birth certificate.' Edd explained, taking a sip of his drink.

As the minutes rolled on, Edd's co-workers for the day started coming in, all of whom were dressed the same way as Edd. There was Jeff, a skater – who uses terrible 90s slang – with red curtained hair; Sandy, the party-hard Californian (who, surprisingly, knows a lot about television) with a blonde Hime cut (although it was tucked into her hair net); and Felipe, the androgynous Mexican with a black pompadour (which everyone can see, despite what he's wearing on his head) and a faint moustache line.

As usual, there weren't many customers in the first hour and a half, just usual people having their coffees to go. Then, at 10:35am, their regular customer entered: A man, presumably in his mid-20s, with a light brown ducktail, wearing a black "What Do You Know, Deutschland?" short-sleeved shirt, blue denim jeans and brown trainers, walked into the store, carrying a laptop. As he's been here everyday for the past three years, they knew his drink order off by heart: A hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows. By the time he set up his laptop – which was running Debian 2.0, a Linux distribution – Edd had already made the drink and set it down on the table, which was the one closest to the wall.

As time passed, more and more people came in. Then, at 11:59am, Edd announced to his manager 'I'm off for my lunch break!'

'Be back in 10 minutes!' She replied.

At that point, he turned to Jeff. 'Can you please cover for me?'

'No problem, dude!' Jeff replied in a stereotypical skater voice.

Outside, Edd walked to Café Fondue, which was a restaurant that served European-style foods. Inside, it looked pretty much like your standard fancy restaurant, except smaller and there weren't any booths. The walls were painted red and had pictures of mountains, cheeses and animals, whilst the floor had sky-blue and azure shag carpeting. When he was inside, he ordered an Emmental and lettuce sandwich, as well as a bottle of Coke. After finishing his meal and paying for it, he headed back to the Java Hut.

When he got back, the whole place was packed. Due to a lack of seats, ordering a coffee to go was now compulsory until there was some room. Edd managed to get behind the counter and tell the manager that he's back. He then resumed serving the customers.

At 3:00pm – and after re-checking the timetable – Edd left work. Since 1981, the Java Hut had this weird system for its employees: The A-staff would work from 9am-3pm. Then the store would close for 30 minutes whilst the B-staff, who'll work from 3:30pm-9:30pm, arrive. He walked to his car and unlocked it. There, he checked the glove compartment to see if his cigarettes were in there. He smiled, and then took them out. After putting on his seatbelt, he then put his key in the ignition, turned it and drove off.

When he arrived back at his apartment, he went inside and got out of his work uniform. After having yet another shower, he got changed into his casual set of clothes – His beanie, a plain black shirt, an unbuttoned German Army jacket, black cargo pants, white socks and the same dress shoes as earlier.

He then walked to a shelf, where he picked up a picture of him and Marie at Disney World. After he came out as bisexual in November 1992, he went on a date with Eddy (not because of that kiss in Your Ed Here, by the way). After the date became disastrous – mainly because of a slightly enraged Lee – Edd felt a bit downhearted. So, he visited Marie, who lived in one of the newly constructed houses on the other cul-de-sac. They eventually became friends and, two weeks later, started going out. In January '94, he gave himself a makeover, replacing his old clothes with his "casuals". Though they sadly broke up last month, Edd still felt that it was the happiest 5 years of his life and they still talk to each other from time to time.

He then put the picture down, grabbed his lighter and went outside the building. After getting his cigarettes out of the car – and locking it afterwards – he took one out of the packet and lit it up with his lighter. After he was finished, he headed back inside.

The time was now 3:50pm. Inside his apartment, he headed into the kitchen to make himself a glass of milk. After drinking it in the kitchen, he then headed to his computer, which was next to a filing cabinet (containing his PC games), near the window. He opened the top draw – reserved for A-M CD-ROM games – and selected Doom II: Hell on Earth. He then turned on his computer and waited for it to boot up. Once it did that, he logged onto his account and, using Outlook 97, checked his email. Afterwards, he went onto his game and set up a LAN multiplayer game. Before he started it, he took out his cell phone and put it on the file cabinet.

Over an hour later, Edd was having another Deathmatch, this time he was playing on the Dead Simple map (Map07). Being chased by an opponent who was firing a pistol at him, he took out his Super Shotgun and fragged the opponent. With 15 seconds remaining, he whipped out a BFG9000, and fired it at the two green marines and a blue marine, killing them both. He then wandered around fragging enemies until the match was over.

When it was over, he found out that he won by 5 frags. At that moment, he heard his phone going off. He then pushed himself away from the computer and grabbed his cell phone. 'Hello?'

'Hey, Double D. It's Eddy.'

'Greetings, Eddy. I just finished a Deathmatch on Doom II: Hell on Earth.'

'Nice! Who won?'

'I did.' Edd replied. 'It was using the BFG in the last ten seconds that sealed my victory.'

'Congratulations.' Eddy snidely remarked. 'So you wanna go for a drink later?'

'Sure do. But a few questions.'

'I'm listenin'.'

'Do I meet you there?'

'If you want.'

Edd put down his mobile phone and went to get a piece of paper and a pen. Luckily, he found them on top of his computer tower. Five seconds later, he responded 'It's best that I do as I live closer to the bar than you do.'

'Fine.'

Edd then wrote himself a reminder to meet Ed and Eddy at the bar. 'Next, what time should I be leaving?'

'9? 9:30?'

'Alright, I can ask Marie if she can drive me there. She's on duty, tonight.'

'Gee, thanks, Mr. Exposition.' Eddy sarcastically broke the fourth wall. 'Anything else?'

Edd paused, thinking for a few seconds. 'We could get a taxi home as my apartment's not too far away from yours.'

'Are you done explaining things to the readers?'

'Yes.'

'OK. So... Meet you there.'

'Will do. Bye, Eddy.'

'See ya.'

He then finished writing down a reminder and then turned off his game. He dialled Marie's phone, waiting for a response. 'Marie K.' The voice on the other line said.

'Hello, Marie? It's Double D here.'

'How can I help you?' She purred.

'I'm meeting Ed and Eddy down at the bar later and I'm wondering if you'll be kind enough to give me a lift.'

'Sure, no problem. I'll be off at 9, might come for you at 9:15.'

'That'll be lovely. Thank you!'

'Don't mention it. See ya.' She then hung up on him.

Now all Edd had to do now was wait for later...


A/N: KMFDM SUCKS! (please note: Actually Google that before insulting me)

Though, sadly, I introduced my OC early, he won't have a slightly larger role until Chapter 5 or 6. And even then, I'm not going to shoehorn him in when he's not needed. Also, sorry if I didn't properly explain a few things about Edd's life, but the best case scenario is that I remember/expand in a future chapter.

And now, it's time to add more explanations:

When he was 19, Edd took up smoking. Then again, you can't blame him if you had to go through what he went through.

Though I gave a vague description of people, it basically allows you to use your imagination to fill in the gaps. Who knows, I might use them again later...

How many of you read this story thinking that Edd was wearing that weird hat with the propeller? Now read it again, but this time, replace the word "beanie" with "knit cap" or whatever you call those hats.

Edd has a huge amount of PC games, including Wolfenstein 3D; Ultimate Doom (which he categorises as Doom); Doom II: Hell on Earth; Duke Nukem 3D; Rise of the Triad; SimCity 2000; Quake; and Age of Empires, to name a few.

Apart from Super Mario 64, he also owns Doom 64; Mario Kart 64; Pilotwings 64; Bomberman 64; StarFox 64; GoldenEye 007; and Turok: Dinosaur Hunter.

I have a faint idea why I made Edd bi, mainly due to the fact that he showed signs of "going both ways" in the original show. Don't worry, I'm not "wimpening" (for lack of a better word) him up. I would go off on a pointless rant, but I think we all get the point.

And, unless I can come up with anything else to add, I'm going to leave it at that. So, next time, we'll look at Ed's day. 'Til then, take care.