Hijikata Toshizo

Hijikata Toshizo was a formidable man. With a katana at his side, and his captains behind him, he headed a force to be feared. He was strict and just, and valued his honor above anything else. That is, except for his wife. Hijikata Toshizo, as I had discovered through our marriage, was also a kind and tender man, and would do anything for those he loved. I was fortunate to be wed to such a man. But with such a union came the burden of a heavy responsibility. Just as Hijikata was the so-called 'father' of the Shinsengumi, I became their 'mother'. But the task of caring for each of them was made easier by the strong bonds we shared. I loved them all as my brothers, and I loved Hijikata unconditionally for all the kindness and love he had bestowed upon me.

But there was one thing, despite my love for my husband, that I could not bring myself to tell him. There was only one other that knew of my tortured conscience, and that was Sannan. But I had begged him not to tell Hijikata – not until I was ready. It was with these heavy thoughts that I found myself beneath the cherry blossom by the gates, staring forlornly at the three rose bushes that bloomed in the midst of the tranquil spring. There rested my three little children, all dead before birth, beneath the protective shelter of the cherry blossom.

"The cherry blossom is beautiful this time of year, is it not?"

I started as Sannan's soft voice sounded from beside me. I turned to see him smiling at me, a sad look in his compassionate eyes. I had always admired Sannan for his wisdom and compassion; he had been there for me throughout my hardship so that I would not have to endure it alone, as I had feared.

"It is," I replied quietly.

"Will you tell me of them so that I might honor them properly?" Sannan said, stepping forth to stand directly beside me. Despite my hesitance and weary heart, I resolved to tell him.

I told him of the eldest, Tsuyoi, the son I had lost three years ago, and I told him of Shizukana, our little baby girl that had passed away at only five months. Sannan was silent as he listened, a solemnity surrounding him as he watched the breeze gently stir the flowers of the cherry blossom. When I was done, Sannan turned to me, a look of pensive nostalgia in his eyes. He closed his eyes and bowed his head.

"If you will let me advise you, Kinai," he began, rising to peer at me, asking for permission to continue. I nodded and he did so. "Tell Hijikata. These are his children too; it would be cruel to separate them much longer."

With that, Sannan bowed once more and left, the petals of the fallen cherry blossoms stirring in his wake. I stood a few moments more beneath the cherry blossom, contemplating Sannan's wise words. I would tell Hijikata tonight.

Dinner was finished and Hijikata had returned to his office to finish the paperwork he had begun this morning. I returned to our room, sick with anxiety. I had vowed to tell him tonight, and I would, but was there no way to hinder the sickness I felt because of it? What would Hijikata do? I quickly undressed and slipped into a loose yukata that Toshizo had discarded upon the futon that morning. It was like this that I greeted him at the door when he returned. Before he could ready himself for bed, I approached him and took his hands. He welcomed me with a smile and a gentle kiss.

"What is it, Kinai?" he enquired softly. It was moments like these that reminded me that my husband loved me, and the anxious nausea that I felt before was washed away as I summoned the courage to tell him.

"Toshizo," I began in a small voice, "I must show you something."

Something in Toshizo's eyes told me that he understood something was wrong, and he let me lead him through the garden and to the cherry blossom. Once beneath the canopy, I sunk to my knees and drew him with me. He watched me warily, is purple eyes never leaving mine.

"I have not told you something that I think I should have long ago," I said. Toshizo's brow furrowed in confusion as I took his hand and placed it on the soil beneath the rose bush.

"This is Tsuyoi, our oldest son. He was born still to us three years ago," I said, my voice barely trembling despite the grief I felt in that moment. I moved his hand to the second rose bush. "This is our daughter, Shizukana, born still one year ago."

Toshizo's hand trembled under mine and formed a fist around the soil beneath his grasp. I looked back up to him to see his beautiful eyes fixed upon the rose bush. His gaze was shocked, forlorn as he stared at it. I leant forward and took his face in my hands, moving his gaze to me. A sole tear escaped from its threshold and wetted his cheek.

"Kinai…why?" he breathed. I too felt tears stain my cheeks as I answered him.

"Because I could not bear to hurt you."

Suddenly, Toshizo lunged forward and took me in his arms, clutching me to him as if he was afraid to let go. I gripped at the back of his yukata, sobbing silently into his shoulder as he clenched tighter to me.

"You have borne this alone for five years, both my pain and yours. You have suffered in my ignorance; how can you ever forgive me?" he urged.

"No, Hijikata Toshizo, don't say such things."

He pulled abruptly back to regard me with tearful eyes for a moment. In his eyes I saw only love and sorrow, two things that I was sure could never exist separately of each other. But as he pulled me forward, and he firmly met his lips with mine. As I sat there drawn against him and immersed in his kiss, I felt the torture in my heart release. Hijikata Toshizo, my husband, was my god and my redemption.


Tada! Hijikata's my favourite, so I hope I did him justice :) Please review and let me know what you think!