Lemony Kittens
The fifth year Defence Against the Dark Arts students all piled out the room in an effort to follow John, the giant furry lizard, but were mightily disappointed to discover nothing but an empty corridor.
A group of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff students gathered together, discussing the events that had just take place in their, supposed, defence lesson. One Ravenclaw, who was named Kraig Melon-Twinzy, came up a brilliant idea to gain help from Hogwarts herself. He decided to go to the kitchens and take a bowl of lemons up to the astronomy tower. His friends Gemma Gardenrope and Josie Muffinbelly followed him and they all took part in a special ceremony to make the castle sentient. All three children grabbed a lemon and chanted made up words while dancing the Macarena. Unfortunately, they DID make the castle come to life, only Hogwarts turned out to be very angry. Hogwarts, to be precise, was the reincarnation of Grumpy, a dwarf from Snow White after he had murdered the other dwarves, Snow White and the rest of the Disney princesses.
Hogwarts, instead of being helpful and exorcizing John the giant furry lizard, genderflipped everyone in the castle and on the grounds. Then, to be even more annoying, deployed an angry mob of cynical cats into the great hall, Dumbledore's office and all of the house common rooms. The cynical cats were all able to speak English fluently, had opposable thumbs and were extremely sarcastic. One such cat landed directly on top of Dumbledore's head and was promptly dislodged with a swat and a very unmanly squeal. The other cats that were now roaming around Hogwarts were multiplying at an incredible rate. They were anti science cats which meant that they could do anything and could not be stopped.
*^* in a random corridor *^*
"Mr Potter, if you could wait a moment" the sharp voice rang out across the corridor. Harry slowly turned to face his professor with a silent groan. Seeing that the boy had stopped, Severus waded through the sea of cats towards him. "Mr Potter... Harry, I have some information that I wish to divulge." Then, seeing that Ron and Hermione were still waiting behind Harry, he said, "If you wouldn't mind Miss Granger, Mr Weasley." Pulling Harry into a nearby classroom, he spoke. "Harry, I must tell you one very important fact. I'M YOUR FATHER, AIYOO!" and then he skipped away whilst petting one of the millions of cats that were still accumulating inside Hogwarts. Harry, who was understandably shocked at Snape's outburst, ran out of the room and crashed headfirst into the solid chest of Draco Malfoy.
But this wasn't any old Draco Malfoy, no, this was the 'I've been awake and on Tumblr all night, but somehow I'm still on it' Draco Malfoy. And it was true. Draco Malfoy was indeed still on Tumblr, and he was somewhat functioning, but when a speeding Harry Potter was aimed straight at him, there was nothing he could do, but it wasn't as if Draco had seen him anyway.
The phone was knocked right out of Draco's hands and onto the floor, but miraculously, the screen didn't smash. The phone ended up beside Harry, who was sat on the floor looking defeated. Harry picked it up and glanced at the screen, then looked again, and rubbed his eyes and looked again. It appeared that Draco Malfoy, pureblooded, ice prince of Slytherin, was reading muggle fanfiction. Not only that, but Drarry fanfiction of all things. Harry intended to find out why.
Harry peered up to face Draco, who was looking quite embarrassed, and the only explanation he offered was a "Pansy was reading it and I wanted to know what it was!" After the very awkward meeting with Malfoy, Harry chased after Ron and Hermione until he found them making out in an alcove, with Colin Creevey taking pictures. Harry just walked away and stared out of the window at the end of the corridor. That was when he realised that John the weird yet awesome Umbridge-eating lizard was relaxing in the lake and chatting to the giant squid.
Harry heard Ginny walk towards him and then decided to shut down sentient Hogwarts and shouted "Fuck this! Hogwarts hibernate!" and then they all lived happily ever after, except Umbitch I mean Umbridge, because she got eaten by John. John was actually really nice and kind and everyone, even Snape loved him. After Voldemort read what happened in the Daily Prophet, he told everyone that he was stopping being a dark lord and killing people because his one goal in life was to kill Umbridge, and he then retired with his one true love Albus Dumbledore.
