Fragments&Fissures
Part One: Aftermath — Chapter II
byHollowPointBullet
(All that's left of my heart are pieces and parts.)
Song prompt: Come Wake Me Up
A/N: Ended up longer than expected due to edits. T_T I want to get better at transforming my ideas more efficiently... Well, baby steps, baby steps. ^^ Bear with me.
Disclaimer: Not for commercial purposes.
WARNING
Depictions of Psychological Trauma and Sexual Behavior. Depending on who's reading, you may find these depictions cruel, tasteless, offensive, etc. Proceed only when you believe that strongly in NanoFate happy ending despite the sh^te that comes their way, EVEN if Fate is dead.
[086M-CNC]
It's the season when sunlight would seep through my office's window at three in the afternoon. Field practice just ended. I was on my way to logging in today's data to my computer, when Vita-chan intruded shortly as I sat on my swivel chair.
"Can I come in for a bit?" She asked.
I casually waved her to come inside. She closed the door behind her and sauntered towards me. She did not take the chair, enough to tell that she wasn't here for idle chitchat.
"Is something wrong?" I prompted. She did not answer that question directly.
"Signum and I are dropping by the Heroes' Memorial." She said.
"I'll see you tomorrow then," I answered, knowing that she meant an untold offering for me to take. I was thankful that we're in office. I had excuse not to look at her face and busy myself with my routine job.
"You have prior plans?" She asked.
"I am meeting Yuuno-kun."
She nodded, not of understanding, but of surrender. "I see. Give the ferret my regards."
I gave her an askew smile. "Mou, Vita-chan, you know he doesn't like being called that."
"D'zit matter if he doesn't hear?" She paused, an eerie void of humorless pause, then said right after, "I'm kidding."
I smiled again, but this time, no amount of light reached my eyes. They were already dull to begin with. Ever since...
Since when did talking to Vita-chan start to become so uncomfortable?
Perhaps, just perhaps, this was once comfortable...? Perhaps it's change. Just the inevitable continuation of life. They happen all the time. Perhaps... I was the one that had changed.
Losing will to ponder deeper, I shook my head.
I was about to close all my work, ready to head out to fulfill the rest of today's plans, when a set of knocks came.
"I wonder who's coming at this hour." I wondered aloud, then told the unknown visitor, "Come in."
The door opened, and familiar pair of blue eyes greeted us from the entrance. I stopped breathing, shrinking inwardly when that somber expression clashed with mine.
Vita-chan's reaction was delayed as she regarded the sturdy woman, as if she was just as surprised to see the Wolkenritter General there as myself. "Signum. What are you doing here?" Vita asked in a biting tone, which, I am convinced was just usual.
"There's something I needed to do here." Signum-san replied.
Vita-chan's stance seemed to change. I couldn't be so sure until she said, "something important to do today of all times?" She sounded defensive. But her voice felt like mine.
Signum-san did not reply. Her eyes remained on me. I smiled at her but the fear that dawned on me started to feel surreal. I chose to look away. She approached us and I looked up to her height. To say that the raw look of distaste in her undisguised expressions are surreal, is an understatement.
"Oi, Signum." Vita-chan interrupted our staring contest (if my feeble gaze could even count as a fight), nudging the tall knight by the hip. "This isn't the time for this."
"I know." She replied, not looking away.
"Did you need something from me, Signum-san?" I asked, lowering my gaze to her shoulder.
She did not answer, but put a small box on top of my table. I missed it for its size. The size of an expensive chocolate box on Valentine's, complete with a tiny blue ribbon. No, that's quite vague, really.
It's the size that would contain something smaller, something more precious and intricate.
"What could this be?" I asked, looking at the alien red velvet-covered box I front of me.
"I held it for the past years, according to the owner's request."
"Signum." Vita-chan cut off before she could finish. "Is this what you're here for?!"
"What else?" Signum-san answered in her casual voice. For what face she made though, I couldn't dare look to find out. "I'm fulfilling my promise and giving this to you."
I closed all my terminals and stood up. "I already told you. These personal effects do not belong to me. You should hand these to Lindy-san."
"Does that make you happy?" Signum asked, her voice tuned with the sudden decrease of temperature.
I looked at her this time, but did not last for long. I willed myself out of that battle which I know cannot be won. And murmured, "I need this."
"Do you still believe this is what you need?" I swallowed back the emerging bile in my throat. Despite the lack of response from me, Signum-san turned around. Vita-chan followed suit after some steps. When they reached the threshold, Signum-san gave one last telling.
"You'll end up poisoning those who desperately try to wake you up from your swelling grief... Even Testarossa would scold you for this."
I looked up, ready to bear fangs at them this time. But the they were long gone behind the closed door. I looked down to that tiny box on my table and listened to the silence. The emptiness. Until I couldn't take anymore. Grabbing my things, I rushed out of this torture room, out of the walls of agony, and to the cozy safety in my car, where thoughts are kept outside. Where the air is cool. Where everything is tiny. Hastily, I drove away from the complex, as if it would also let me escape from the ghosts that anchors themselves at my back.
I ran away.
It was a choice.
For the sake of the people who don't want to see me broken again.
I was early on my promised dinner with Yuuno-kun. Instead of shopping for a few gifts like planned, I drove straight to his house. I jogged past his garden and knocked wildly at his front door. I failed to discern the surprise in his face when he opened the door, or the smell of his cooking that hung on his clothes when I shoved my body to his, or the fabulous set up of his living room for the event when I grabbed him by the cheeks. I came for what I needed and claimed fast with my mouth. No words. No thoughts. Just emotions. Passionate and scorching. So painful. So poisoned.
I let the screaming desire in my chest consume me. Its name unknown still, I labeled it with love.
Dragging me inside, with my hands over his shoulders and his around my hips, Yuuno-kun closed the door and pushed me against it.
We stood there, flushed against each other for what seemed like hours. When we parted, he breathed against my temple, "wait in the living" He said. "I'll put out the stove."
I went to his room instead.
For the short minute he was gone, I felt uneasy without anything to do. So I opened a workspace, checking the clock and dropping a quick respose to Vivio's worried email. I did so robotically, lest I back down from what I am here for today. I did nothing but stare afterwards. My mind was blank save for the few words that opened up a deep wound hiding in the corner of my soul. "You'll end up poisoning those who desperately try to wake you up from your swelling grief."
I wasn't dreaming, however. For if I was, this painful feeling in my chest should have been tolerable. Instead it kept breaking me apart.
Yuuno-kun came back and studied me from the threshold. I was aware of his presence. But I did nothing for the next minute or so.
"...even Testarossa would scold you for this."
I closed my eyes and tried to chase the words away. They were lies. All lies. Truth is right here: in the loving gaze my childhood friend has for me; in my acceptance for his offered affection; and in this day where he and I both prove it to ourselves.
I slowly, but unhesitatingly disrobed from my uniform. Yuuno-kun, approaching with measures of care and respect, sat next to me and kissed my cheek, and asked, "are you sure?"
I shook my head but held on his hand. "No."
"Then..."
"But, I think, this is..." I trailed off, meeting his eyes. "What I need. And I want to..."
He smiled. Not of joy. Not of relief. We've been friends far too long to tell. But he just made a pleasant expression and held me gently against his body. And I, for someone who needed everything he had to offer, held on.
It was that afternoon that for the first time, I undressed in front of him – with a clear pretext of an adult activity, at least. (The real first time I did, he was in his ferret form.) He did as well.
My body, reacting quickly to the proximity of his, aware of what we're doing and of where we're going next, heated up some degrees. His sight traveled all over my skin, trying to etch something invisible – most probably his signature of possession – and when it landed back on my eyes, I reveled in the passion he has to offer; in the delightful conception that he wants me, to be with me, to be in me. There needn't be some sort of explanation as to why we were here or where we will be going. Because at the moment, tomorrow seemed to me like a bleak and dying theory. But right that moment, he was here to bring me comfort, guide me to the next steps. And as the realization slowly descended, so did his lips upon mine, I could not think of anything else but only wonder deeply what it would feel like to be loved by this gentlest man, this warmest affection, by this salvaging promise of protection.
I anchored myself on him. And we drowned together in this sinful cage of time.
When I woke up, the night has already swept away all the light outside and what offered little illumination for me to see my surroundings was the blinking terminal I'd left idle on the bedside. Pulling the covers from my body and reaching out to close it, I noticed the arm resting on my hip and I looked half-surprised to see that I was still in my underwear, him sleeping soundly in his boxers and tank top. I don't remember when we had stopped with our mutual seek for physical comfort. Judging by the presence of our final clothing articles, I conclude that we never went far. But instead of frustration, for some reason, what bubbled in my chest was the hint of relief beyond necessary – necessary, as spoken by my vestal anguish. It was the heavy kind of relief. Although I knew he intended to reach that end of this mutual loop – and although I did as well – waking up this way felt good – better.
I was relieved. Heavily relieved. Frustrated in good terms.
Perhaps this was what they'd normally describe as the battle of conscience. Guilt.
Staring down at his sleeping face, I fingered the strands of hair from his forehead, tucked them behind his ear. For what force impelled me to do so, I couldn't concoct. But then, I stared at my fingers where the touch of his hair had remained. It was coarse but soft. Manly. Manly and alien. I was as though a child, bothered by the philosophical mystery of every little thing; but mainly of what was this feeling on my fingers. What was this wetness between my legs? What was I doing there? Why was I doing this?
With whom was I doing what here?
At the moment, I did not know.
Or perhaps I did know so well. I knew everything, and still questioned it, compelling myself to notice these small details of his.
And compare.
As I know so well how it felt before.
As I know so well where, why, and with whom instead I'd rather be.
And knowing everything releases the beast of reality, of hope and wishes that will never come true.
Bringing my hand on my face, I willed myself not to cry, forcing away the feelings that keep killing me, cursing the owner of these bricks in my heart that wouldn't let me feel alive. When I learned to breathe again, the shards went away at last. And opening my eyes, I found emerald eyes boring through me.
Since when did this begin? Since when did Yuuno-kun start looking at me this passionately that it hurts? Since when did he start hurting me with his gaze that I wanted to just close my eyes?
I forced the answers away.
I would have ran if he asked what was wrong, for asking would mean searching for answers. And I didn't want to find anything out all over again.
"Are you hungry?" But he asked instead, reaching up to cup my cheek and thumb it.
I smiled at him and shook my head. "No. Are you?"
"A little." He whispered back.
When I moved, his arm tightened around my waist to keep me from leaving. "Yuuno-kun? I'll get you something. Surely you have some grub in your pantry, right? What did you cook?"
He shook his head and let out a small but resounding chuckle. "If I had to choose, I'd pass on the food."
I cracked another smile and touched the side of his head. "What? You sure...?"
"Sure."
I shimmied back in his embrace with my head on his broad shoulder, his arms securing me. I listened to his loud heartbeats for a while until his voice interrupted the sound rhythm in his chest.
"Nanoha..."
"What?" It was barely a whisper. But I thought he needn't a clear response to continue.
"I won't go anywhere."
A panoply of meanings incorporated in that two-word sentence caught me in a storm: the unwanted and the welcome in a simultaneous swirl of buts and thens. He didn't let me respond. He rolled us over so I ended up on my back, him on his side, propped on an elbow, his other hand on my left shoulder, and his face a breath away, and his hair tickling my cheeks. I gazed up at his eyes that was the color of history for two and a half decades. I knew him that long. But I've only gazed at it for some months to have known that they can sometimes convey feelings everyone had been expecting him to set free – or at least everyone but me.
His lips landed on my nose as his eyes slowly fluttered close. I followed suit. He kissed my eyes, my cheeks, my chin. And, finally, brushed his lips on mine. The first contact was a touch, a whisper should it be conveyed with words, followed by a second one, and another. Until the whisper turned into desperate screams matching the drum beats of our hearts.
As I latched on to him, he moved tighter against me. I felt the revelation of his excitement in the build up of his boxers that tentatively pressed against my leg. He groaned when I moaned – or did he first? Or was it a simultaneous reaction?
He tenderly cupped one of my clothed breasts and began to fondle me slowly, with uncertain movements that nevertheless allowed me to feel more needed and more in need. Then he began to trace my neck with wet kisses as he settled on top of me. The ticklish probing of his mouth and the bulge he wore between his legs did not fail to elicit another moan from me. His hands moved down to my waist then back up to my breasts and under. I arched my body, yielding to his touch and allowing the article to loosen up around my chest. As I took it off, he straddled me and kissed my torso, hands busy with my legs, silently asking permission when he fingered the hem of my last undergarment. When he pulled himself to kiss me, he whispered into my mouth. "Can I take it off?"
I nodded. And he did. First mine, then his. It doesn't take an experienced woman to know what was going to happen next. But for someone inexperienced, he sure knew how to work his way around. I wondered if he had known this from being a Librarian of Infinite Secrets. Then again, I figured this must not have been his first. For some reason the idea arrived to me as a simple conclusion more than anything else.
He kissed me more until he got out of the bed only to return with a packet on his hands. He was already tearing it off when I sat up.
"Let me." I offered, reaching out. Giving the rubber to me, he returned to my lap and knelt between my legs. In silence, I rolled the rubber around his girth. Then I laid back on the bed and he followed me for a deep kiss that led us to him pleasuring me with my breasts. I nursed his head as he did this, while moans continued to exit our lips. Kissing his way back up to my face, he cupped my sweaty cheeks and looked me in the eyes, and pressed his waist against mine. I closed my eyes. He sighed and kissed my lips and buried his face on my shoulder. Eventually, he moved his hands between our mingled bodies to ready himself with me. His tip touched my opening and my eyes flung very wide open. I squeezed his shoulder very tightly that he hissed, me unaware that my nails had been digging in his skin.
"N...Nanoha..."
When he called, I realized one fatal thing. He wasn't in me yet. Not yet. But he would be. He was one push away from claiming me, from filling that void that had been inexistent for so long, that had been dead for three years, that still remains charred by the aftermath of what could have been and what will never be.
He was one push away from completely healing this pain, and I was supposed to be letting him do it.
"...Nanoha," he coaxed, caressing my cheeks. "Let me. I will be very gentle."
I slowly let him go and smiled up to him in apology. "I love you." I said, my voice was hoarse and breathless.
"I love you, too." His was, too.
He kissed me and realigned himself again. "Just relax, okay?" He whispered sweetly, kissing my ear so tenderly, so familiarly, that my breath caught in my throat again.
But for a vexing reason, this time, I screamed, "NO!" And pushed him.
I pushed him off of me and sat up to draw myself to the corner of his bed, breathing so heavily that I would as well have been training long hours with the best recruits of the season. But I was not. It was night. And I was about to make love with my boy friend,
and blatantly...
so blatantly,
rejected his effort to free me from my past chains.
I might as well be so turned on in this state. And truth be told, I was. I was ready for something drawn inside me. But while my body registers its need, my soul shatters this temptation to claim me with.
Laying on the bed on his side, he regarded me with a hard look of shock and hurt. I held my knees together as I tried to form words from my muddled head. Anything. Anything at all that would ease the pain I keep inflicting on this wonderful perfect gentleman; anything at all to help me save this golden heart that didn't deserve me, but chose to stay with me anyway even if it broke him. For almost a year. No, for more than that. Much, much more than that.
Anything.
I looked at him dreadfully as the thoughts washed away from my mind, replaced by the torrent of memories three years prior; of memories and irrepressible feelings from the one person that devastated me in the first place. Tears clouded my vision and through the contorted glass of the past, I saw red.
The color of promises that never come true.
"Why..." I choked and hid my face on my knees. "Why?" I clutched the sides of my head in despair. "Why?!" I cried. "Why...why do you keep doing this to me?!" My own voice blasted in my ear drums. "You told me to move on...So let me! Let me! Let me...let me! Let me...please..."
Even as I struggled away, Yuuno-kun wrapped me with his protective arms, with his soothing whispers against my crown. But for what he had told me, I didn't really hear. Perhaps it didn't really matter. Because all I could do and feel like doing was visit the remaining shards in my heart that were the reflective mirrors of my past, let them bleed me once again...
"Fate-chan... Fate-...ugh! Fate-chan!"
...and curse all of these wounds for what they all are.
…
Chapter II – In This Painless Dream
…
Epilogue
...There is always the prelude before new blossoms. It's a season so cold and completely empty. But eventually it will warm. Flowers will bloom. Colors will fill the sky.
I had seen seasons come and go. Right now, it's summer. It's supposed to feel hot.
Yet I'm watching still as a block of cold ice. The sunlight showers without warmth. Like an apparition. As if a dream. I wish for you to wake me up.
Wake me with your soulful gaze.
Your worried voice.
Your lonesome smile.
Your caring warmth.
Your tender passion.
"To Nanoha,
Your silent love...
"[...] Embrace this love only for you;
That reminds me of reality...
"Please carry along with a smile as life goes on. [...]
Through pain.
"I love you."
And regret.
Yours Truly, Now, and Forever
Fate."
Nanoha's breath exploded into a sob as she sunk on her knees on the floor littered with little notes full of intricate hand-written letters. Her trembling hands held the distinctive parchment larger than the rest, folded into fractions just to match the size of the empty box by the edge of the bed. Nanoha brought it on her chest, carefully as to leave the least crumples, dearly as she would hold the person close.
"Fate-chan..."
And her voice flooded the silence of her room, that's been so cold and void of emotions, with longing that keeps the wounds in her heart fresh like the memories she has of the love of her life that never get old.
HollowPointBullet
So? How goes, fellow NanoFate masochistics? Here's the second chapter of the first part. I hope you felt bad. For Nanoha, for Yuuno, and for the rest of the gang because of this twisted play on their emotions.
With that said, we'll put a better exploration of Yuuno and Nanoha's relationship as we go. It's clearly unhealthy as of current. Next chapter, we'll start sorting out truths and introduce more characters in despair.
Thank you for reading! We'll meet again soon!
