A/N: After some debating I have decided to put up this chapter twice. This version has the Shekarian ending. It was tough for me to write, as I am (as already mentioned) a hardcore Shenko shipper. Tomorrow I will be rewriting the ending of this chapter into a Shenko ending - my heart demands it.


"Good-bye, Kaidan. I love you, too.."

She kept her eyes on the doors, wishing they would open and reveal Kaidan standing there, saying he had changed his mind and he would come back. The doors, unfortunately, stayed firmly shut.

"You are an idiot, Jemma Shepard." she muttered to herself. What had she expected? If Kaidan had hooked up with this doctor, would she have wanted to see them together daily? Of course not, dumbass. There was that voice again, persistently planting doubts in her mind. She sniffled and wiped away the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand.

Jemma turned around and proceeded onto the Normandy. All she wanted was to get into her cabin and indulge in a good cry. That plan was almost immediately thwarted, though. No sooner had she passed through decontamination when she found herself face to face with Garrus, mandibles clicking. Oh dear.

She raised her eyebrows ever so slightly.

"Something wrong, Garrus?" her voice sounded flat. She was emotionally spent. The last thing she needed right now was an argument with her Turian boyfriend concerning her human ex-boyfriend. And from the look on Garrus face that was exactly what he had in mind. "I have somethings I have to do yet."

"I think we have to talk." Garrus retorted, annoyance coloring his voice.

"Not now, Garrus." she tried to move past him, but Garrus stepped in her way. Jemma clenched her jaw. "I said not now!"

"And I said we have to talk!" Garrus said through gritted teeth. They stood there glaring at each other. The whoosh of the airlock made them break eye contact. Jemma turned around to see James standing there.

"Uh, you two are holding up traffic." James managed, noticing something was terribly off.

Grudgingly, Garrus stepped aside, only to have Shepard storm past him, shooting him a withering glance. He glared at her retreating form. At this moment Garrus felt certain should he ever meet Kaidan again he would kill him, jealousy coursing through his veins.

"Everything alright, Scars? Things seem kinda tense." James asked tentatively.

"It's none off your damn business, Vega."

"Ooo-kaaay, forget I said anything." James lifted his hands and backed off.

Garrus stood there another minute before turning around and heading towards the main battery. Maybe calibrating something would take his mind off what he had heard Shepard say. "I love you, too."


As soon as Shepard reached her cabin she locked the door. She did not want to be disturbed.

"EDI, please see to it that nobody bothers me. I need sometime to myself." God, her voice sounded shaky, even to her.

"Of course, Shepard. Your vitals show signs of distress. Is everything alright?"

"EDI, that also goes for you." Jemma said wearily.

"I am sorry, Shepard. I will not intrude. Logging you out."

She was alone. Letting out a ragged breath she sat down at her desk. He hurt you. Again. He always hurts you. He says he doesn't want to, but he does it again and again. Shepard repeated this in her mind like a mantra. She tried being angry. Anger would make the hurt she felt more bearable.

"But why? Why does it hurt so much to know he is not coming back? I am happy with Garrus. After all, Garrus has never doubted me. He always has my back. Kaidan, my God, he has called me a traitor, he practically compared me to a husk on Mars and then had the balls to accuse me of cheating on him after we were clearly on a break. I don't know if I could trust him anymore. He obviously doesn't trust me." she demanded of her hamster. He trusted you enough to point his pistol at Udina and take the shot. "Damn it."

She hesitated shortly and then opened her messages. After some searching she found what she sought and started reading.

Shepard,

I'm sorry for what I said on Horizon...

Surprisingly, the letter which before had always gotten her worked up and angry didn't bring forth the expected emotion. Instead she found she could finally read between the sentences. Or, to be more precise, she understood there were no hidden meanings except one. Now the whole letter seemed to say I miss you and suddenly she realized that the letter wasn't accusatory. Kaidan just stated the facts. The date with that doctor was set up by his friends. He just tried to move on. The fact that he still remembered the night before Ilos after more than two years also should have given her pause. And yes, a lot had changed. She read on.

But please be careful...I couldn't bear it if I lost you again.

That was clear enough. How could she not have understood that? He was right about Cerberus, she knew that. She had known it then, too. She had just been so upset that he hadn't even listened to her. All he was telling her was to watch her back. But she couldn't really blame him, could she? How would she have reacted if he had been dead for two years and then showed up working for Cerberus? You would've ripped him a new one, Jem. And you know it. She groaned. The only time he didn't say outright what he meant was at the end.

When things settle down a little...maybe...I don't know.

Why hadn't he just written he would like to work things out again? Was he afraid she wouldn't want to talk to him anymore or what? Now it was too late. She sat back, letting the realization settle in. As much as she regretted it, it was too late, and they were both to blame. She still loved Kaidan, she finally admitted that much to herself, but she also loved Garrus. Feeling more at ease than she had all day she started typing a message.

Kaidan,

you were right. I never tried looking at this mess from your point of view. I was hurt and angry because you sure as hell acted like a complete ass. I should have realized you were also still hurting and had every right to be angry as well. I am sorry.

I am sorry that a misunderstanding such as that caused this rift between us and I have no idea if we can ever close it. I hope we can. I still value your friendship. Kai, I know that this is not what you wish for, but it is all I can give you. I know you don't want to hear this, it is important you do though. I never had any intention of falling for Garrus. It just happened. He was always a great friend and I never thought it would turn into more. When it did I was to far gone to turn back again. As much as I still love you - and yes, I really do still love you - I can't turn away from Garrus. He never doubted me and I need someone to back me unconditionally. I love him, Kai, and he loves me. Garrus once told me there is no Shepard without Vakarian and he was right. I am sorry for having to hurt you like this. I just want you to understand. You still take up a special place in my heart, never doubt that.

Kaidan, please, please promise me you won't throw your life away needlessly. Don't do anything you could regret. I am not worth you sacrificing yourself, do you hear me? You have the right to be happy and I know it will take time but eventually you will find someone else who can bring you that happiness. Give yourself the time to heal. Please, Kaidan, do it for me.

Jemma

She glanced over her message one more time before clicking on "send".

There was a sharp rap on her door. Shepard knew it was Garrus and now that she had come to terms with her own feelings she could talk to him about Kaidan. She unlocked the door and Garrus came in, albeit almost a little hesitantly, as if he was afraid of what she would have to say. Smiling, she extended her hands towards him.

"Shepard, I wanted to apologize for earlier but it seems like I don't have to do that." Garrus swiftly took her hands in his. "I would still like to know why you told Alenko you love him, though."

"You heard that, huh? I am fairly certain that Kaidan didn't hear it anymore. After all, the door was almost closed by the time I said it. And I said it because it is true. Garrus, wait!" Garrus pulled his hands away from her, but she held on firmly. "I love you both. You, I am together with and that is not going to change anytime soon. That doesn't mean I can't also still love Kaidan. He is an incredible man."

"An incredible jackass, more like." Garrus snorted. "Why were you so upset? If he called you a traitor again or anything similar I am going to put a bullet through his head the next time I see him. Major Self-righteous Asshole."

Jemma frowned.

"Garrus, stop talking about him like that. He used to be your friend, too. He calmly explained his behavior and I have to admit it was his right to doubt me on Horizon. It was even his right to doubt me on Mars. There was no accusation, only plain facts. His arguments were valid. I could have very well been controlled by Cerberus. Hell, if Miranda had had it her way while they rebuilt me I would have had a control chip implanted. She told me so herself. So can I blame him for assuming the worst? Not really. This is Cerberus we are talking about after all." She paused. "And I was upset because I suddenly realized I couldn't lay all the blame on Kaidan. I realized that I still felt more for him than I wanted to admit. I was scared when I realized that things might have turned out differently if I had tried to understand where he was coming from. I realized that I miss having him on my team and that I don't like the idea of him working on the Crucible or doing some Spec Ops with his Biotic Division."

Garrus pulled her closer.

"You really just miss him as a friend?"

"Yeah. A special friend, but a friend only. And I worry about him. He seemed really heartbroken. But you know, I'm a one Turian kind of woman now and I just told him so again in a message."

"Is that so?" Garrus smirked. "Maybe we could test my reach and your flexibility then?"

"We could do that." She tilted her head and went on in a sultry voice." So, Vakarian, what are you waiting for?"