Rebirth: Chapter 2

One Stormy Night


Kuga Natsuki noticed that Shizuru had started keeping more and more to herself after the festival. While she never was as outgoing as Mai or Chie, this was exceptionally withdrawn even for her, more so than just having an apartment off campus would seem to imply. She also found that she genuinely missed Shizuru's quiet presence and even her teasing—though she would never admit that to her. When Yamada came by again with her repaired bike and an explanation that he had ``worked this in as part of the school repairs,'' she was suspicious, but she suspected Sakomizu-sensei.

The bike was too much temptation, and she sacrificed her resolution to not skip class anymore and took it out for a long ride in the country. She rationalized that this was only skipping a half-day this Saturday so it didn't matter so much to ditch these classes. The wind passing by, the feel of the road, the look of the countryside zooming by: she reveled in these and rejoiced in the freedom as she rode and rode and rode.

Returning that evening, Natsuki was tired from the long ride. On the way back, she had to fight a cross-wind that tried to blow her off the road and foretold worse weather to come. She found her aimless traveling had brought her right to Shizuru's apartment just as it began to rain. Why not, she figured; she hadn't seen Shizuru in a while, and her place offered immediate shelter from the rain. She parked her bike and walked around to her friend's door, suddenly realizing how tired she was.

This evening Shizuru had changed into her usual nighttime yukata and was writing yet another letter asking for assistance in repairing the recent damage to the school. Of late, she found that she had to work much harder at these. This letter would formerly have just flowed from her fingers, but now she had to consciously think of what to say and of the right polite turn of phrase. Maybe it was that her mind kept coming back to Natsuki: the look on her face and the feel of her lips and their closeness in the ruined church at the end, but also the earlier look of horror on her face earlier when she discovered Shizuru's feelings. Shizuru had finally finished the letter when someone knocked at her door. This was odd, she thought, especially this late in the evening. She got up and went to answer the door.

``Natsuki?''

Shizuru stood for a moment simply staring at her friend standing there holding her motorcycle helmet. It wasn't until Natsuki smiled weakly and nodded that Shizuru snapped out of her reverie. She ushered Natsuki in and closed the door behind her.

Instead of her usual riding suit, Natsuki was wearing jeans and a pullover, both damp from the rain. Shizuru realized that she had never gotten her riding suit back after the incidents with Nao and at the Japanese mansion.

``Would you like some tea?'' asked Shizuru. Natsuki shook her head and simply stood there smiling her wan smile and looking exhausted, though Shizuru could not guess from what. Shizuru's heart went out to her young friend, and she led her into the apartment, gesturing for Natsuki to sit down. When Shizuru returned with a towel for Natsuki to dry off with, she found her sound asleep on one end of the sofa. She can fall asleep anywhere, mused Shizuru, smiling tenderly as she took a blanket and pulled it over her sleeping friend.

Sitting down on the other end of the sofa, Shizuru gazed at the sleeping Natsuki. In sleep, she looked just as beautiful as usual but more tender and vulnerable. Shizuru winced inwardly as she realized where this train of thought was going. While she longed kiss those tender lips and caress Natsuki, she vowed never to do that now unless Natsuki explicitly gave her permission. After what Shizuru had done, she doubted Natsuki would ever be able to trust her enough to give such permission, much less feel the same way about her. She had held back this way for most of the time she had known Natsuki, so surely she could continue to do so. But still, it was hard.

Shizuru sat back to watch her sleeping friend and enjoy her presence. After a while, she too nodded off.

Natsuki slowly awoke to find herself covered by a blanket and sleeping on a sofa with Shizuru asleep at the other end. As she didn't remember anything about the blanket, Shizuru must have gotten it and covered her up before falling asleep herself. Outside it was both dark and raining heavily. Maybe it had been the sound of the rain which woke her up. It was definitely not good weather for riding, and Shizuru was not likely to begrudge her the space on her sofa to sleep the rest of the night, though she would likely tease her about it.

The position Shizuru was sleeping in looked like it was uncomfortable enough that she would regret it in the morning.

``Hey, Shizuru,'' began Natsuki, ``you'll get a stiff neck sleeping like that. You need to get up and go to bed.''

A few more tries produced only groggy mumbles from Shizuru, so Natsuki resorted to taking her by the hand and helping her sleepy friend stand up.

``Come on. Let's get you to your bedroom.''

Shizuru was still half-asleep and unsteady on her feet as Natsuki led her back to her bed, glad that the bedroom was not up a flight of stairs like Natsuki's was at her old place. Natsuki just managed to fold back the covers for Shizuru before she collapsed onto the bed. She pulled up the sheet and blanket over her friend, knowing how she disliked the cold, then turned out the light and headed back to the sofa, figuring she could easily sleep there herself. Before she got halfway there, she heard a whimper from Shizuru's room and a quiet, plaintive cry of:

``Natsuki... don't leave me.''

Turning back, Natsuki found Shizuru curled up in a ball, trembling. Occasionally a whimper of what sounded like terror escaped her lips. Natsuki had never seen her this way before. Shizuru was always calm and controlled, never upset by anything, much less afraid of it.

Natsuki had no idea what to do, but the words, ``Natsuki, don't leave me.'' echoed through her head and pulled at her heart. She remembered how over the years Shizuru had always been there for her, often even when she didn't even know she needed her. So she took the one straight chair in the room, brought it close to Shizuru's bed and sat down to watch her friend.

Shizuru continued trembling, so Natsuki reached out a hesitant hand to her back, not knowing if this would calm or increase her distress. The touch seemed to reassure Shizuru, and as Natsuki slowly rubbed her back her trembling subsided and she relaxed into a deeper and quieter sleep. Natsuki continued for a while before she too fell asleep.

Shizuru dreamed:

Red flowers of flame illuminate the dark ruins. Uncomprehending eyes of the dying look up at me, imploring. I am vengeance. I am retribution. They fall before me. They have hurt you; they have made you suffer. This, I will not allow. They will pay. Others have hurt you. I deal with them as well.

You look at me, eyes full of shock and horror. ``What have you done?'' they seem to say.

``Natsuki,'' I cry. ``I did this for you. They hurt you. I have removed them. I am your vengeance. I love you.''

But you do not love me. Your face tells me so. I have become what you hate: violent, evil, grasping. You turn to walk off, to walk out of my life forever.

``Natsuki!'' I cry. ``Don't hate me! Don't leave me! Please!''

But you keep walking. I collapse to the ground, the very strength taken out of me. Instead of your enemies, what I have slain is any hope that you could ever return my feelings. I have become what I hate. I have destroyed the very thing that is most precious to me. I bury my face in the grass, wishing this to be the end. If I die here, will you even shed a tear for me?

A gentle hand touches my back. It softly rubs my shoulders, calmly, quietly, tenderly. As it does, my fears begin to dissipate. The flickering flames die out and are replaced by the cool white light of the moon, and in this moonlight, I see that it is you stroking away my fears. You have returned to me.

I will not ask why you have returned. I will not beg you to love me. It is enough just to have you here, even though this is only a dream. I feel I can now sleep safely: in my dreams you protect me from my darkest demons.

And with this, Shizuru fell into a deep and restful sleep. She awoke slowly the next morning, feeling this had been a better night's sleep than she had had in quite a while. Unlike other nights, her first nightmare had not returned to haunt her throughout the rest of the night.

When she opened her eyes, there was Natsuki sitting in the chair next to her bed, asleep, just as Shizuru often found her asleep in her chair in the student council room. This time Natsuki had fallen asleep watching over Shizuru, and the tender expression on her face made Shizuru's heart swell with love and gratitude. Her outstretched hand lying on the edge of the bed made Shizuru think that it might not have been just a dream that Natsuki had softly stroked away the knots of fear in her back. That hopeful thought brought a smile to her face.

Thinking back, Shizuru tried to put the pieces of her memory of last night together. She remembered Natsuki unexpectedly stopping by and almost immediately falling asleep on the sofa. She remembered happily sitting and watching Natsuki sleep for a while. After that, she must have fallen asleep herself. But then, how did she get back here? Natsuki must have brought her back, but she must not have awakened enough notice. The fact that Natsuki was calmly sleeping there, next to her bed, said that she had done nothing to scare her off which was a relief in itself.

Shizuru lay there for a while, just watching Natsuki, savoring her expression, tracing every line of her face and hair with her eyes, saving this all away as a tender, precious memory. But the sunlight beginning to stream through the window reminded Shizuru of her morning rituals, and while it would be nice to let Natsuki sleep and surprise her with breakfast, she realized that trying to get up and past Natsuki without waking her would probably not succeed. She feared awakening the younger girl with her close proximity—feared she would awaken her with an expression of fear and loathing that filled Shizuru with pain and regret. So, she would have to wake Natsuki first.

``Natsuki. Please wake up, Natsuki,'' she began without having much effect on the sound sleeper. A few more calls, and finally a hesitant touch on her outstretched hand opened Natsuki's eyes. Shizuru watched as Natsuki took in her surroundings, including her friend still lying on the bed in front of her, and replaced the brief expression of annoyance and then concern with her everyday face.

``Natsuki, I'm sorry to wake you, but I think it's time to get up.''

``Sure,'' replied Natsuki, scooting the chair back to give her more room.

``Thank you.'' Shizuru paused sitting on the edge of the bed for a moment before getting up and heading down the hall to wash her face. Falling asleep and needing to be helped to bed doesn't exactly fit with my normal image, she thought, but if there's anyone I should be able to relax and not worry about that in front of, it's Natsuki. After all Natsuki was anything but a stickler for traditional propriety. But Natsuki's opinions, thoughts and reactions were far more important to Shizuru than anyone else's, and that made her worry and watch herself more in front of Natsuki. It was, Shizuru decided, because here she really cared. The depth and strength of her caring still terrified her.

Shizuru returned to find Natsuki still sitting in the chair, staring at the bed, or maybe she had fallen back asleep. Shizuru leaned against the door frame and simply savored watching her for a moment.

``Natsuki?'' she asked softly, not wanting to wake her up if she had fallen back asleep. Since Natsuki had put her to bed last night, letting her sleep peacefully was the least she could do for her.

Natsuki quickly turned, looking up, her green eyes conveying simple curiosity touched with what looked like concern for Shizuru. They watched each other for a while in quiet companionship.

``Thank you for taking care of me last night, Natsuki. If you're hungry I can make some breakfast?''

``Yeah. Thanks.''

Shizuru was surprised to see her get up immediately to join her on the way to the kitchen: she had merely wanted to see if Natsuki was still awake before starting work in the kitchen. She had wanted to let Natsuki sleep as long and peacefully as possible, but now that Natsuki voluntarily moved to join her Shizuru would never think of dissuading her.

She opened the cupboard and began taking out the pans and dishes, put the teakettle on to boil, then headed to refrigerator. Natsuki stood pensively watching her friend for a while, then hesitantly asked, ``Can I help any?''

This brought a smile to Shizuru's face, as she instructed Natsuki on little things to do to help out. She knew that the kitchen was anything but Natsuki's area of expertise or enjoyment, so her offer was especially precious. And if Natsuki didn't set the table perfectly, or if she took longer than Shizuru would have to do it all herself, it didn't matter. It was Natsuki helping.

Moreover, it seemed that for this moment both of them had put to sleep the demons in their memory. Maybe the sight of Natsuki quietly trying her best helped Shizuru forget for now the look of horror and rejection on Natsuki's face when she had discovered what and how much Shizuru would do for her: what Shizuru's feelings for her really were. Natsuki also didn't seem to be trying as hard as usual to keep the world at bay, and she was trying hard to help—and also be—a friend.

Shizuru watched Natsuki go about her helping tasks, and though someone less observant might not have noticed, her experience watching the raven-haired girl showed how hard Natsuki was trying to hide her frustration at her inexperience with these tasks. Were it possible, this made her even dearer to Shizuru.

The two finally sat down to eat the breakfast they had prepared and began in silence. They seemed to understand each other well enough that there was no need for words over the table, and this silence was much less awkward than some of those at school had been. When both finished most of their meal, Shizuru refilled both teacups, lifted hers and smiled as she smelled the delicate fragrance.

``Natsuki, thank you for helping me last night. I didn't mean to make you put me to bed. I don't remember you doing so, but... Thank you.''

``It's OK. You must have put that blanket on me when I fell asleep on the sofa. I guess it was my turn to help.''

Shizuru laughed, ``I guess so... Did I cause you any trouble when you put me to bed?''

``Other than not waking up and walking yourself there?'' countered Natsuki with a grin. ``No... but you did seem to have a nightmare after getting into bed.''

Shizuru paused. That Natsuki was willing to tease her like this was very welcome. Of course she remembered the nightmare—how could she forget it when it visited her so many nights. But was she ready to talk about it? Looking into Natsuki's clear green eyes, she saw a quiet acceptance and realized that, just maybe, hopefully, here was the one person she could share this with. There was no-one that she would rather, but to find the courage...

``Nightmares are something I've become too familiar with of late, though last night they turned out not to be as bad as other nights. If you did something that helped, thank you.''

Shizuru closed her eyes against the remembered pain.

``Would talking help?'' Natsuki hesitantly asked.

Taking another sip of her tea, Shizuru wondered when Natsuki had become this perceptive. She continued.

``Talking about it?... That may help, but I'd like to put that off for a bit if you don't mind. I... I guess I should take care of the dishes before they get hard to clean.''

She stood slowly and began gathering the plates along with her courage.

``Here, let me help,'' offered Natsuki. ``That is if you don't think that would be risking your dishes too much.''

Shizuru's lilting laugh carried back from the sink.

``I'm sure you won't drop them. Of all the things you've been, clumsy has never been one of them.''

Natsuki set down the plate and silverware she just brought in and quietly shook her head. It was good be able to exchange in this light-hearted banter, and Shizuru realized just how much she had missed it. The dishes were washed without any incident; Natsuki did the drying and was even able to put some away without being told where they were kept. Shizuru wondered if Natsuki had watched her that closely when she took them out earlier.

Working together with Natsuki did feel comfortably familiar, and they soon had taken care of all of the cleaning up after breakfast. With this done, the question of what to do next naturally presented itself.

``Were you planning on doing anything today?'' asked Shizuru, hoping deep inside that Natsuki would say she wasn't.

``I really ought to go study for our exams coming up. With all that's happened, I haven't done much. I can't say that I want to either. I need to go find someplace quiet to study, too.''

Shizuru laughed. ``My, what a conscientious student. I never would have guessed you were given the number of classes you skip, Natsuki.''

``Shizuru!'' Natsuki's cheeks colored.

``You're more than welcome to study here if you'd like,'' continued Shizuru, watching Natsuki's blush deepen.

``Thanks... I'll need to go get my books, though.''

While Natsuki was riding off to fetch her things, Shizuru quickly washed up and changed. She was picking up a few things when Natsuki returned with her backpack. She also had taken time to wash up and change, Shizuru noticed, catching a whiff of Natsuki's usual shampoo. Gesturing to the table where they had just eaten, Shizuru asked, ``Will this work for you?''

``Yeah,'' replied Natsuki sitting down and starting to take out her books. ``I haven't been able to concentrate. After what's happened it's hard to study. Maybe I'm not used to roommates. Mikoto's nice, but she doesn't seem to understand the concept of quiet study time.''

Shizuru brought out her books and joined Natsuki at the table. The two settled into a companionable silence, sitting together studying. Shizuru was glad to offer Natsuki this quiet haven, and even more so that Natsuki seemed to settle here so comfortably.

After a while, Shizuru realized she needed a break. Natsuki continued to concentrate on her book, so Shizuru quietly got up, and made tea from the kettle she kept going. Returning with two cups, she set one at Natsuki's elbow and sat down to savor hers while deciding what to do next.

Natsuki picked up her cup and sipped. She smiled at Shizuru.

``Thanks. Maybe I did need something like this.''

``You're welcome,'' replied Shizuru, warmed by the gratitude.

She decided she needed to do more work for the student council, and hoped that work would offer a nice change of pace. Shizuru set aside her teacup and opened her laptop. She had another letter to write, this time an acknowledgment and thanks for help towards repairing the campus. A quick review of the benefactor and their help led right into typing the letter, and before the rest of her tea could grow cold, she was done. This letter had been easy; the composition had flowed; she hadn't had to struggle for the right words. Shizuru picked up her tea and contemplated this difference. Why was this letter easier? Something whispered at the edges of her mind that the answer was sitting right across the table from her, her green eyes focused on her textbook.