The Espada Guide to Parenting

by Impervious Marr

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Summary: Life's good. War's over. Las Nachos - I mean Noches, is getting cleaner, Aizen's giving us all vacations, and - by the way, I have a kid stalker who thinks I'm his mom and Ulquiorra's his dad. LG, man, LG. GrimmUlqui.

Warnings: MxM, yaoi - GrimmUlqui sort. xD Pointless fluff thingythingy. Lots of cussin'. (It's Grimmjow.) FIRST PERSON POV. An OC who is not in love with the main characters. (Gasp.) In fact, he's a little kid.

A/N: I decided to update early? o.o Well, um, more Gin screentime! And thank for for all the wonderful reviews! I'm so happy ;w; I love you guys!

I'll think about the whole perspective on Ulqui's side for a bit. I'm not very comfortable writing him to be honest, so no guarantees x3;

Read and review, please! Thank you!

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Two:

Lesson One

Naming Your Child

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Back to the situation at hand. My room was filled with peace and quiet. The night was as calm as usual. Even the stupid Hollow birds didn't chirp their merry way this time around. The sands were... Sandy, and the moon was... Moony.

Yeah fucking right.

It was chaotic and you felt as if you could die from the tension breaking going on with Gin laughing his head off. Still five minutes to it and he still can't get over the fact that the kid (now dubbed the Hell Spawn or in my terms, Fucking Bane of Existence Number Four) called Ulquiorra his Dad. With a 'Dy'.

I mean, I can see the logic. In the impossible event that pigs can fly, Nnoitra's not a drag queen, Szayel can actually sing and Ulquiorra and me getting together, I ain't gonna be the fucking girl of the relationship. No, never, Aizen damn it just no.

Just when I thought Gin's on my side though, he just had to shoot down my surviving hopes. Brings a new meaning to Trespassers will be Shot, Survivors will be Shot Again.

"Finally, someone gets it right!" he said through his annoying laughing, and both Ulqui and me snap our heads towards him.

"Get what right?" I asked, holding up my fist. He must be stupid if he can't see the threat.

Oh, right, he is stupid. That, and an asshole through and through.

"Oh, the fact that Ulquiorra's the one wearing the pants in your relationship -" BAM "- jeez, touchy, aren't ya?" Gin whined, rubbing his sore head. I snorted, looked to the side.

"As if! I'mma drop him off as soon as I can 'cause I am not fucking babysittin' a kid!"

Said 'Kid' sniffed noticeably.

La la la I can't hear you!

"B-But, Mommy doesn't like me...?" he asked pitifully, looking up with those stupid, big, cute blue eyes. I didn't want to smack the hell out of him anymore; I wanted to freaking poke his eyes.

Still not listening!

"No, and that's final -"

Then he brandished his Ultimate Weapon - the tears. Oh god, the tears welling up in his eyes and the sniffles.

If anybody asked me later on why the fuck I decided not to bring him back home, I'm gonna show them the Kid Eye Beam of Getting Whatever He Wants and see how well they go against it. Everyone loses, man.

Even you, you, and definitely you.

"... Fine," I said begrudgingly, shifting his weight. "But Ulqui's got to help out."

"What!?" Ulquiorra snapped his head up, eyes narrowing. "I am not going to be responsible for that spawn!"

"I don't give a fuck," I said brightly and airily, before grinning evilly. "You're saying you can't actually take care of a little kid, eh, Mr. I-Can-Do-Everything?"

He glared. Seriously, I can't help but tick him off. It's fucking funny. I actually have nothing against him other than he's all high and mighty in the Fourth spot and he's way too clean; it's just that it's hilarious when he tries to not scrunch up his face like that. His eyes go all screwy and you just feeling like pinching him on the cheeks.

"No." He turned away, scoffing. "That will not work on me."

Damn!

I didn't expect him to not rise up to the bait; so I did the next best thing.

"Daddy's leaving, kid. You don't want him to leave, riiiight?"

And I couldn't help stomping all over the little kid's heart when I said that. He looked positively downhearted.

"But but but - Daddy! You can't leave!"

He's not stopping. Shit, he's at the door! Shit, I gotta -

Oh yeah!

I ran towards him, pulling him around and holding up the kid against him.

He stared.

Remember, nobody can go up against the kid's Puppy Eyes. I'm pretty sure Ulqui's a no too.

Hell Spawn looked up at him and quivered his lips or some shit like that, a sign that he was about to wail. Again. "Daddy," he said solemnly and sadly, sniffing. "Don't leave me!"

Ulquiorra stared.

The kid clutched to him.

He stared some more. There was a showdown going on and I could see Ulquiorra's eyes twitching as he's trying not to give in. Hell Spawn sniffed some more.

"I love you," he sniffled.

Hot damn, and that's when Ulqui's resolve 'crumbled before my eyes', because he suddenly coughed, and turned to the side, clearing his throat.

"... I have no other choice. I will see to your challenge, Grimmjow."

SCORE!

The kid was still teary-eyed and I rolled my eyes. "It means he'll stay."

"Really?" He wiped off the look from his face in one split second and beaming brightly like the sun. I shielded my eyes. "Yay! We're a real family! I love you, Mommy and Daddy!"

I shoved this warm feeling aside there was this awkward, looooong pause. Damn. Gotta say something. There was gonna be some asshattery from my mouth before Gin broke the silence.

With a freaking 'D'aww'.

"D'awwwwwwwwww." Told you I wasn't kidding. "That's so cuuuuuuute," Gin cooed, he freaking cooed, I can't believe that I used that word and Ulquiorra's left eye twitched. "You three are like togetherrrrrrrrr."

Then his eyes glinted, and he grinned maniacally, mocking evil villains by having 'mufufu' vibes.

"Perfect. I will have to tell everyone -"

Ulquiorra beat me to punch him.

"Daddy!" Hell Spawn squealed incredulously, frowning cutely. "Stop hitting Uncle! Uncle, you okay?" the Hell Spawn asked concernly, and the newly dubbed Uncle grinned wider than I've ever seen him grin, which was saying something.

Bad.

Very, very bad.

Bad a la shite we argh awl goingz tu dai.

"You can call me Uncle Gin, little guy," he said, and I smacked his head lightly. "So what're you gonna name him?" Gin asked curiously, and both Ulqui and me stared at each other.

Well.

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Gin was already gone while Ulqui, Hell Spawn and me were all on the other side of the room. Hell Spawn was seated on a sofa, Ulqui on the other side while I'm crouching on the floor. Gin? Anywhere near while naming my kid? When hell freezes over, that's what.

"Since I'm the... Mom," I acknowledged embarassedly, as if it was some sort of horrible, horrible disease - (I mean, if you've been a guy all your life and fantasised about being a dad all this time, you can't say you're the mom with a straight face), "I get to name him -"

"Something respectable," Ulquiorra immediately butted in, frowning. "If he is to be a spawn under my care, I will not tolerate anything else."

"Something simple," I growled. I hated it when he cut me off. Ulquiorra glared.

"I'm taking care of him too. Since, rhethorically, I am wearing the pants, I should be the one to name him."

Damn you, Gin!

"I got him first."

"He called me Daddy."

"Daddy!" Hell Spawn squealed, and both of us rolled our eyes.

"Whatever! I ust want to get this over with. Let's just go through some names and be done with it."

"Agreed," Ulquiorra said warily, watching the Hell Spawn alternate his facial expressions. Man, he can be my fucking mobile TV. "... Inocente," he recited, and I gave him a funny look.

"Innocent. Hah. Does the whole bribing us with guilt-trips any innocent to you?"

"You think up of a name then, Jaggerjerk."

"Ulquibitch. Er... Something simple..." I looked around. Truth be told, I had nothing in my head at the moment. One look at the place around me and I decided to be stupid. "Let's call him Nachos."

...

...

The look that he gave me was so fucking funny that I laughed hysterically.

"... That's your stomach talking, you imbecillic fool."

"Whatever." Then I grinned. "Let's call him Kid."

"No. Ophelius?"

"What the shit, Ulqui. Rocky?"

"Xeno?"

"Princess?"

"You must be drunk."

"I don't want to name my kid 'You Must Be Drunk'."

"Shut up, Grimmjow. Watari?"

"Sounds like an old man. Eff?"

"... Tell me that was the word 'eff' and not an effing name suggestion."

"Then I'm telling you nothing."

"You're hopeless." Ulquiorra suddenly blinked, and turned at the kid, frowning strangely. "... Helios," he said, and I snorted.

"The sun? Sure, man, he does smile that bright but he's more like a Hell kid instead of -" I paused, then grinned. "Hel."

Ulquiorra gave me a funny look.

"I said Helios and not Hel, unless you need hearing aid or a trip to the elderly."

"I can always give him a nickname!" I protested, shrugging. "Remember, Daddy?"

Ulqui looked like he wanted to smack me upside the head.

"Daddy. Daddy. Dad dad dad -"

SMACK

That answers a lot, doesn't it?

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I was clutching my head when Gin came in. He took one look at my pitiful state, before shrugging and grinning at Ulquiorra. Traitor! "So, have you named him?"

"Helios," Ulquiorra said firmly and surely, and I snorted.

"Hel."

"Helios!"

"Hel!"

"Helios!"

"Hel!"

"Heliohel!" Gin exclaimed brightly. Both of us quarreling 'parents' snapped our heads at him, growling.

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Uncle Gin, why are they fighting?" Hel asked in a small voice, before Gin grinned. I paused at the next insult, wary, and so did Ulquiorra.

"They love each other sooooo much, little Hel. But then again, there's this thing called 'sexual tension'."

WHAT THE FUCK!?

Okay, note to self, keep Gin away from your kid at all times.

"What the shit, Gin! Shut the hell up! You go any further, I'mma bust a cap off your ass!"

"Don't you dare tell Helios about anything, or I will castrate you!"

Sadly, we were ignored. Biggest sob story of the year.

"What's that?" Hel asked innocently, blinking. Gin grinned, patting his head, before clearing his throat.

"Well, 'sexual tension' is when two guys, like your Mom and Dad, isn't getting any -"

WHAM

And it was then when Ulqui and I both unanimosly called on for a truce for the moment, until we finished handing Gin's ass to him three times over.

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Dodging a few innocent questions about 'Sexual Tension' wasn't as easy as it looked like. Even Ulquiorra had to confuse Hel a little bit with his fancy schmancy words, and soon enough, Hel was already tired and was now sprawled all across the bed, asleep.

Insert some well placed 'D'awwww's here and there, and you've got the fucking cutest scene ever.

Ulquiorra 'gave his word' that he'll come back later, so I took out a notebook from my desk drawer and started to open it. It was empty, unused, and there was a pen.

I picked it up. The ink hovered over the paper.

So.

Boredom took its course.

I spelled out the first few words, grinning. This'll be a nice pet project.

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Right, so anyway, this is the Espada Guide to Parenting since I'm an Espada, obviously. And also a parent. Fuck this. No fancy introductions for any of you fuckers because I am not in the mood to write long.

So.

Lesson number one is probably naming your kid.

1. Keep silver-haired assholes away from the naming-session at all times.

2. Random just doesn't work on uptight green-eyed bitches.

3. Keep it simple. Fight for the right to nickname.

4. And finally, makeshift a truce with your partner. Said partner might be an uptight green-eyed bitch, but bear with it since the Hell Spawn wouldn't want anyone else. You can't defeat the Puppy Eyes. You just can't. Everybody says they can, but they're fucking lying.

Look at my kid, he's a perfect example of -

...

... Shit, I just called him my kid.

...

...

Fuck.

Signin' Out,

G

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End Chapter Two.

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A/N: LOL GIN.

Kinda fitting that he decided to call his kid 'Hell' - I mean, Hel. :3

Have a nice day everyone! :D