A/N: So, just in case you skipped my summary, there is going to be some swearing and such. But, then again, it is Sirius Black swearing like a sailor...

FINDING MOO-BAH - Chapter One: In which walls have faces and James is dissapointed in the Kitchens, for once

James huffed and puffed, leaning against an unknown wall. James didn't particulary care about the unknown wall, until, of course, a massive face popped out of it, pushing him unceremoniously to the ground.

James blinked up at the stone face as it groaned and yawned. He stood up and dusted himself off, staring at the face. Then, one by one, James' search party stopped behind him. Peter had already collapsed and started snoring immediately, Remus was dumbfounded, his mouth hanging open, and Sirius took one glance at the wall. For a minute they stood there. Then -

"Shit."

James glanced back at Sirius.

"You seeing this too?"

"Yeah. Why else did you think I swore?"

"Because that's what you do?"

"Really?"

"Well, honestly? Yeah."

"Double shit."

Anyway, while the face was stretching its huge mouth, Remus had grabbed a book out of his bag. His eyes skimmed down his desired passage.

"Aha!"

Remus snapped his book shut, stepped over Peter and asked the wall, "What is my name?"

The face opened its eyes.

"...Remus... Lupin..." it said in a gravelly voice.

"What are we looking for?" asked Remus. James looked eager.

"A half sheep and half cow... stuffed animal..."

James nodded in approval.

"Where is he?" asked James.

"... I don't know for sure... maybe in the Kitchens, getting something to eat?" asked the face.

"Maybe his favourite snack!" shouted James, already dashing off. Sirius ran after him, and accidently tripped on Peter. Peter immediately woke up and helped Sirius up.

"Where are we going?" asked Peter.

"To the Kitchens!"

"See ya!" announced Peter, knocking Sirius back onto the ground. By the time he got back up, Peter had already waddled out of sight.

"And now it begins," drawled Remus.


"HE'S NOT HERE!" yelled James, sounding as though he was about to burst into tears.

"There, there," said Remus solemnly, patting James' back.

Peter stuffed his face in with pasties and Sirius was drinking several shots of Sugar Fairy. Which, in hindsight, was probably the worst thing he could have done in the current situation...

Several minutes later...

"Ahh, I feel so... tired... HEY! LET'S HANG FROM THE RAFTERS! HEHEHEHEHEHE! After a POWER NAP!" shouted Sirius, jumping up and down.

"...B-but what about Moo-Bah?" blubbered James.

"Who cares about that stupid toy? It was a shitty excuse for a search party anyway... OOH! CHOCOLATE!" Sirius stuffed his face with some brown stuff on one of the tables in the Kitchens, while James sobbed on Remus' shoulder.

Peter looked up.

"Er... that's not chocolate..." he muttered, a few minutes too late.

"BLEGH!" Sirius spat out the brown stuff, which turned out to be house-elf... well, excrement, to put it nicely.

"Hahaha! Karma!" said James, pointing at Sirius. Then, he burst into tears again.

"Where are you, Moo-Bah?" he wailed, covering his face with his hands and hiccuping.