Tales of an Italian Plumber: Episode 2 - CHRISTMAS CHAPTER! (Warning: May not contain anything related to Christmas)
By Tim'sOK
(Tim'sOK sponsored by MILHAMHOUSE RADIATOR COSIES! We keep even the coldest heating appliance toasty and warm, the natural way!)
Mario, Luigi and any other characters in this fanfic belong to Ninte - Screw it, I can't be bothered saying it again.
LET THE FANFIC COMMENCE
(We continue our story into the Nintendo Re-education Centre for Mentally-Deteriorated and Differently-Sensible* Fictional Virtual Characters, or the NRECMDDSFVC. Actually, that's too complicated, I'll just not refer to the school by its actual name.)
(*Tim'sOK recieved many complaints from angry, politically correct, anonymous persons concerning his naming of Disableds, and after many court cases he finally agreed to stop calling people who are Differently-Sensible 'Spazzies' or 'Stumbly-Wumblies'. Though he did issue the following statement: "God, I can't even go through a routine freak pointing without having considerable numbers of complaints thrown in my face.")
ANYWAY, AT THE SCHOOL...
Luigi: Ow! Bowser, I am SO telling! Miiiiiss!
Teacher: What is it, Luigi?
Luigi: Bowser stabbed me with a pencil!
Teacher: Nobody likes a telltale, Luigi!
Luigi: But he's set me on fire agai-
Teacher: DON'T TALK BACK TO ME! OUT OF THE CLASSROOM!
Mario: *Snigger*
Teacher: Don't you laugh at him, Mario, or you'll be out too.
Mario: Hrumph.
Teacher: Now, can anyone tell me what the capital of Wales is? Yes, Bowser.
Bowser: GRAAAAAAAAAAARGH! GYRANRAGAGRGH! GRACKYLYLLRAAARGYLGHRSARGH!
Teacher: Correct. Give yourself a star.
Bowser: Woo! Three stars in a row.
Teacher: Now, I'm going to be giving out your end of year tests-
*Collective groaning*
Teacher: -which will account for 87% of your overall grade, rendering the past five years of school completely irellevant.
*Louder groaning*
Teacher: I'll be having none of that. Remember, you need to pass in order to go back to your jobs. The only reason you're here is because you've gotten completely crap at them. I mean, honestly, Mario, what the HELL were you doing in Mario Sunshine? You're a plumber, not a cleaner!
Mario: Sorry, Miss...
Teacher: And Sonic! You were so much better in 2D, for god's sake!
Sonic: I won't do it again, Miss...
Teacher: And Pac-Man... Just... No.
Pac-Man: GET IN MAH BEL-LEH!
Teacher: You're expelled. Now for the test.
[Teacher hands out test papers]
Teacher: You may begin... Now.
Bowser: You say 'may'...
Teacher: Rhetorically.
Bowser: Whatever. *walks out of classroom*
Teacher: *calling after him* And don't expect to be in Mario Sunshine Two!
Mario: *looking at test* Right...
---
QUESTION ONE: There is a broken pipe. What do you do?
ANSWER:
---
Mario: Oh, god... I know this... Aha!
---
QUESTION ONE: There is a broken pipe. What do you do?
ANSWER: Flip out and kill people.
---
Mario: There. Now for the rest...
---
QUESTION TWO: Bowser has Princess locked in his castle. Do you A) Advance through the levels to get to her or B) Collect the coins?
ANSWER: C) Both, while in a 'Shroom-induced trip. Psychadelic.
---
---
QUESTION THREE: There is a large gap, too long for you to jump over, filled with spikes. Some kind of... flying screw... things... are... flying... and will kill you. What do you do?
ANSWER: Find a carrot. By picking this up, I gain rabbit ears and the ability to fly. I have been told not to question this, but I can't help wondering if by using a carrot, I'm just luring a rabbit into bloody deafness.
---
---
QUESTION FOUR: What does a Star do? A) Grant invinicibilty or B) produce light?
ANSWER: I don't know!
---
---
QUESTION FIVE: What do you hope to acomplish?
ANSWER: Argh! Stop asking questions!
---
---
QUESTION SIX: In one word, describe how long it takes for the sun to travel to the sky.
ANSWER: What?
---
---
QUESTION SEVEN: Two men start walking towards each other at the same speed on different days. When will they learn?
ANSWER: Huh?
---
---
QUESTION EIGHT: Now close the box.
ANSWER: But-
---
---
QUESTION NINE: What is the essential difference between a web spun by a cat and that spun by a mouse?
ANSWER: Grargh! Shut up!
---
---
QUESTION TEN: A triangle has four sides. The sum of the internal angles is 270 degrees. Using this information, spell out the word 'Hut' without breaking any of the matchsticks.
ANSWER: MY EYES! STOP!
---
---
QUESTION ELEVEN: "There is light at the end of the tunnel." How do you know this?
ANSWER: I'LL LIGHT YOU!
---
---
QUESTION TWELVE: Make an Ox-Bow lake.
ANSWER: YOU'RE-
---
---
QUESTION THIRTEEN: Use both sides of the paper if necessary.
ANSWER: CONFUSING-
---
---
QUESTION FOURTEEN: Tiny Tim is finishing his Christmas turkey with Scrooge. He is asked what he wants for desert, but he politely refuses. What is the name of his 1968 Top Ten hit single?
ANSWER: ME!
---
---
QUESTION FIFTEEN: Complete the following sequence: NAME'S, BOND, JAMES, _____
ANSWER: Another question and I swear-
---
---
QUESTION SIXTEEN: If the answer is that half of two, what is the question?
ANSWER:
---
Mario: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! *throws table to the right, where it is embedded in the wall*
Mario: HUNNHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! *Picks up Yoshi, who is sitting to his left, and throws him out of window*
*Classroom cheers*
Mario: POWER UP TO SUP0RSAYAJIN LVEL 73409.04!
*Mario throws barrels, monkeys, barrels of monkeys, and Donkey Kong, who is currently throwing barrels*
Mario: *Heavy breathing*
*Classroom looks at Mario in awed terror*
AN HOUR LATER
*the classroom is a complete wreck, missing three walls, with tables scattered in a three-mile radius, blood and teeth everywhere, and Mario standing in the middle of it all, holding the teacher's severed head by the hair*
Mario: I'M THE CLEVEREST BOY IN THE WORLD! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
AND SO ENDS ANOTHER HAPPY CHRISTMAS IN SUPERMARIOLAND.
---
Tim: Well, children. I hope I have, in this last chapter, expressed to you the dangers of exposing Italian plumbers to standardized testing - because the results can be disasterous, as you have seen. Let us never speak of this again.
---
AND FOR A FINAL DESPERATE GIMMICK!
Test YOURSELF! Pick any five questions out of the sixteen asked in this chapter, and submit your answers in a review! WARNING: NOT SUITABLE FOR ITALIAN PLUMBERS/PIANO REMOVERS.
FIN...
...ISHED.
By Tim'sOK
(Tim'sOK sponsored by MILHAMHOUSE RADIATOR COSIES! We keep even the coldest heating appliance toasty and warm, the natural way!)
Mario, Luigi and any other characters in this fanfic belong to Ninte - Screw it, I can't be bothered saying it again.
LET THE FANFIC COMMENCE
(We continue our story into the Nintendo Re-education Centre for Mentally-Deteriorated and Differently-Sensible* Fictional Virtual Characters, or the NRECMDDSFVC. Actually, that's too complicated, I'll just not refer to the school by its actual name.)
(*Tim'sOK recieved many complaints from angry, politically correct, anonymous persons concerning his naming of Disableds, and after many court cases he finally agreed to stop calling people who are Differently-Sensible 'Spazzies' or 'Stumbly-Wumblies'. Though he did issue the following statement: "God, I can't even go through a routine freak pointing without having considerable numbers of complaints thrown in my face.")
ANYWAY, AT THE SCHOOL...
Luigi: Ow! Bowser, I am SO telling! Miiiiiss!
Teacher: What is it, Luigi?
Luigi: Bowser stabbed me with a pencil!
Teacher: Nobody likes a telltale, Luigi!
Luigi: But he's set me on fire agai-
Teacher: DON'T TALK BACK TO ME! OUT OF THE CLASSROOM!
Mario: *Snigger*
Teacher: Don't you laugh at him, Mario, or you'll be out too.
Mario: Hrumph.
Teacher: Now, can anyone tell me what the capital of Wales is? Yes, Bowser.
Bowser: GRAAAAAAAAAAARGH! GYRANRAGAGRGH! GRACKYLYLLRAAARGYLGHRSARGH!
Teacher: Correct. Give yourself a star.
Bowser: Woo! Three stars in a row.
Teacher: Now, I'm going to be giving out your end of year tests-
*Collective groaning*
Teacher: -which will account for 87% of your overall grade, rendering the past five years of school completely irellevant.
*Louder groaning*
Teacher: I'll be having none of that. Remember, you need to pass in order to go back to your jobs. The only reason you're here is because you've gotten completely crap at them. I mean, honestly, Mario, what the HELL were you doing in Mario Sunshine? You're a plumber, not a cleaner!
Mario: Sorry, Miss...
Teacher: And Sonic! You were so much better in 2D, for god's sake!
Sonic: I won't do it again, Miss...
Teacher: And Pac-Man... Just... No.
Pac-Man: GET IN MAH BEL-LEH!
Teacher: You're expelled. Now for the test.
[Teacher hands out test papers]
Teacher: You may begin... Now.
Bowser: You say 'may'...
Teacher: Rhetorically.
Bowser: Whatever. *walks out of classroom*
Teacher: *calling after him* And don't expect to be in Mario Sunshine Two!
Mario: *looking at test* Right...
---
QUESTION ONE: There is a broken pipe. What do you do?
ANSWER:
---
Mario: Oh, god... I know this... Aha!
---
QUESTION ONE: There is a broken pipe. What do you do?
ANSWER: Flip out and kill people.
---
Mario: There. Now for the rest...
---
QUESTION TWO: Bowser has Princess locked in his castle. Do you A) Advance through the levels to get to her or B) Collect the coins?
ANSWER: C) Both, while in a 'Shroom-induced trip. Psychadelic.
---
---
QUESTION THREE: There is a large gap, too long for you to jump over, filled with spikes. Some kind of... flying screw... things... are... flying... and will kill you. What do you do?
ANSWER: Find a carrot. By picking this up, I gain rabbit ears and the ability to fly. I have been told not to question this, but I can't help wondering if by using a carrot, I'm just luring a rabbit into bloody deafness.
---
---
QUESTION FOUR: What does a Star do? A) Grant invinicibilty or B) produce light?
ANSWER: I don't know!
---
---
QUESTION FIVE: What do you hope to acomplish?
ANSWER: Argh! Stop asking questions!
---
---
QUESTION SIX: In one word, describe how long it takes for the sun to travel to the sky.
ANSWER: What?
---
---
QUESTION SEVEN: Two men start walking towards each other at the same speed on different days. When will they learn?
ANSWER: Huh?
---
---
QUESTION EIGHT: Now close the box.
ANSWER: But-
---
---
QUESTION NINE: What is the essential difference between a web spun by a cat and that spun by a mouse?
ANSWER: Grargh! Shut up!
---
---
QUESTION TEN: A triangle has four sides. The sum of the internal angles is 270 degrees. Using this information, spell out the word 'Hut' without breaking any of the matchsticks.
ANSWER: MY EYES! STOP!
---
---
QUESTION ELEVEN: "There is light at the end of the tunnel." How do you know this?
ANSWER: I'LL LIGHT YOU!
---
---
QUESTION TWELVE: Make an Ox-Bow lake.
ANSWER: YOU'RE-
---
---
QUESTION THIRTEEN: Use both sides of the paper if necessary.
ANSWER: CONFUSING-
---
---
QUESTION FOURTEEN: Tiny Tim is finishing his Christmas turkey with Scrooge. He is asked what he wants for desert, but he politely refuses. What is the name of his 1968 Top Ten hit single?
ANSWER: ME!
---
---
QUESTION FIFTEEN: Complete the following sequence: NAME'S, BOND, JAMES, _____
ANSWER: Another question and I swear-
---
---
QUESTION SIXTEEN: If the answer is that half of two, what is the question?
ANSWER:
---
Mario: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! *throws table to the right, where it is embedded in the wall*
Mario: HUNNHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! *Picks up Yoshi, who is sitting to his left, and throws him out of window*
*Classroom cheers*
Mario: POWER UP TO SUP0RSAYAJIN LVEL 73409.04!
*Mario throws barrels, monkeys, barrels of monkeys, and Donkey Kong, who is currently throwing barrels*
Mario: *Heavy breathing*
*Classroom looks at Mario in awed terror*
AN HOUR LATER
*the classroom is a complete wreck, missing three walls, with tables scattered in a three-mile radius, blood and teeth everywhere, and Mario standing in the middle of it all, holding the teacher's severed head by the hair*
Mario: I'M THE CLEVEREST BOY IN THE WORLD! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
AND SO ENDS ANOTHER HAPPY CHRISTMAS IN SUPERMARIOLAND.
---
Tim: Well, children. I hope I have, in this last chapter, expressed to you the dangers of exposing Italian plumbers to standardized testing - because the results can be disasterous, as you have seen. Let us never speak of this again.
---
AND FOR A FINAL DESPERATE GIMMICK!
Test YOURSELF! Pick any five questions out of the sixteen asked in this chapter, and submit your answers in a review! WARNING: NOT SUITABLE FOR ITALIAN PLUMBERS/PIANO REMOVERS.
FIN...
...ISHED.
