Chapter 2

"What now?"

Donna's voice had broken through the stillness in the console room as the Tardis continued to travel through space. The Doctor had been leaning on the console as he looked down at the controls, his thoughts far from this room as he seemed to be so far from her that she was afraid she couldn't reach him, he was wrapped in his own thoughts as he fought against pain that had already taken its toll.

"Doctor?" Donna said, "I asked you a question -"

"I know you did...I was just thinking...thinking too much. I've got too much to think about and not enough time to think it all in, I'm scared I'm going to die now, or tomorrow or -"

"Stop it!"

As she stepped closer and put a gentle hand on his shoulder, he met her gaze and her closeness was enough to steady him and pull his shattered nerves back together.

"You said we need to send a signal?" she offered.

He nodded.

"Yes..that...But not yet, I have to do something else first, if I don't do it, I won't be here in three months time..."

He took off his coat and tossed it aside, and Donna retrieved it from the floor, stepped away from the console to drape it over the back of a chair, and then as he took his jacket off, she took it from him and also draped that neatly. Then her eyes clouded with worry.

"What are you shaking for?"

"I'm scared," he replied honestly, and now the sweat that was coming up on his face was nothing to do with his symptoms - it was pure fear, and as he met her gaze, she saw it too, and it shocked her to see just how terrified he was. This was the man who had taken her around the galaxy and showed her wonders and dangers and all of the things she would remember forever – yet through it all, she had never seen him looking so afraid...

"Come on," she said kindly, "Don't be scared...you're not alone."

"I know that," he said quietly, and then he drew in a shaky breath and felt a sting as his eyes blurred with tears as he spoke again, "I know that, Donna. And I'm glad I'm not on my own...I have to fix a micro concentrated patch under my skin... That will be the first of many doses of medication strong enough to hold back the worst effects of acute radiation syndrome and you could cut one of those patches in half and halve it again - and then, cut off a tiny corner of one of those halves and implant it into a human and they would instantly die. That's how strong it is, and each dose increases, anticipating me worsening. It's going to hurt, it's going to go beyond pain and I'm not sure how much I can take," determination burned in his eyes, burning through the fear now, "But I'm not ready to give up yet. I have too much to hold on for."

Then the Doctor reached into his pocket and drew out a tiny silver device that looked somewhere between a pistol and a staple gun. In the body of the device was a narrow, transparent chamber packed with tiny square implants.

"They break down harmlessly once the dose is dispersed into the patient's system," he said, turning the gun over to give her a closer look, "I have to take the first shot now..."

"Not like this," Donna said, and her hand closed over the device, and he let go of it, breathed a heavy sigh and once again felt thankful for her presence.

"Not like what, standing here just wanting to get it over with? Why shouldn't I rush? It's going to hurt and then it's going to get worse!"

"You don't know how you'll feel after you take it," she said to him, "You should let me help. And have a lie down afterwards."

"But it's not going to stop dosing me up!" he exclaimed, "There's no going back once I take the first shot!"

Donna wanted to cry. She had wanted to cry ever since he had told her everything, but she didn't cry, because he was also on the brink of tears.

"Let's do this calmly," she said, and he nodded in agreement.

"Okay, but I haven't showed you how to send the distress signal yet -"

"I think I know which switch to throw," she replied, "A bit of Doctor Donna kicking in there...I like that! You should have more faith in me!"

And she smiled, but he did not as he looked at her intently as the glow of the console room seemed to make the shadows under his eyes seem even deeper.

"We'll do it your way," he said quietly, "Come with me, you're right – I might well need a lie down after the first shot."

Donna breathed a relieved sigh.

"Just keep listening to me, because it really makes me feel so much better!" She told him, and then as he turned to leave the console room, Donna turned to leave with him - remembering to pick up his coat and jacket on the way out.


The walk down the corridor to the Doctor's bedroom had been filled with tension.

"I have no idea how I will react to this medication," he said nervously, "There are more than three hundred separate drugs in the dosage and..." he paused to retrieve a bottle of pills from his pocket, "These are for pain relief, I can take them any time I want. It was these or the other ones...but on those I can't take more than twelve in twenty four hours and they increase my chance of nausea - which I'm going to suffer anyway, but I thought it might be easier with these. At least I had a choice -"

"Slow down!"

"Why, can't you keep up?"

The Doctor was sweating again, and his eyes reflected deep anxiety.

"You're talking too fast," Donna said, "Take a deep breath, and stop talking for a minute. I think you're in some kind of shock, you must be – it's not every day you take a dose of radiation that could kill you - not that it will, I mean, we will sort this out, okay?"

The Doctor looked scared as he fell silent and nodded.

Donna hated seeing him like this, he was really scared, in a way that ran deep, in such a way that it seemed almost impossible to console him.

Finally, they reached the door that led to his bedroom, and the Doctor was still quiet, and still visibly shaken. Donna already knew no words of consolation would make much difference now, this definitely would not be easy...


The Doctor opened the door and Donna went in first, she looked around the usually light room with its pale walls and big, comfortable bed. A long row of mirrored wardrobes lined one wall, and on the other, was a dressing table with another mirror on it. The floor was all black and white tiles, the room was lit by spotlights over head,but they instantly dimmed to a softer glow as the Doctor entered the room, that was the Tardis understanding his need for no harsh lighting, because the headache affected his eyes.

"I'll just sit on the bed and you can give me the shot," the Doctor said, and as he got on to the bed and sat there, he grabbed an extra pillow to cushion his aching back, and then he looked to Donna.

"You just place it against my skin and pull the trigger. It's just a sharp sting, and it gives off a sealant that stops bleeding and instantly closes the wound. Nothing left behind but a bruise. Do it quick."

Donna sat down on the edge of the bed and looked into his eyes.

"Just a sting?"

"I'll be fine."

"Okay then," she said, "Pants down and turn over."

He blinked, and then he stared at her.

"No...you don't implant it in...in my..."

"Not your arse, then?"

Amusement sparkled in her eyes, and it was contagious and suddenly the Doctor was laughing with her and blinking away tears at the same time.

"How can you make me laugh at a time like this?" he said in surprise.

Donna reached up and brushed his sweat dampened hair off his face, then she leant closer and lightly kissed his forehead.

"That's better," she said, "You sound more like you now."

His smile soon faded.

"It goes in my arm," he told her and then he rolled up the sleeve of his shirt and extended his arm, "Let's get this over with."

Donna placed the device carefully against his flesh.

"Ready?"

"No I'm not, just do it!"

"Okay."

She pulled the trigger.

There was a loud snap and the Doctor gave a gasp of pain, pulling back from the device as he grabbed at his arm. Donna set the device aside, looking on in alarm as the Doctor breathed heavily as he waited for the pain to subside.

"A sharp sting, you said!" she exclaimed.

He drew in another breath as he closed his eyes for a moment, waiting for the throbbing to stop.

"I was wrong...that was a guess...Actually it's more like being shot with an air gun!"

Finally the pain was fading out. He was still breathing heavily as he cautiously extended his arm and turned it over, and Donna saw a sealed wound rapidly vanishing as a deep bruise appeared.

"I'd better get used to that," he said as the pain melted away, "I have to take one of these doses every four days."

"That's a lot of medication."

"Its going to be tough," he replied, and then as she climbed on the bed and sat beside him, he shifted over to make room, and then lay back as he breathed a relieved sigh, feeling glad the pain of the shot was over, and also glad that the pillow was soft - and it felt so good to be leaning against Donna's shoulder, too...


After a brief silence the Doctor suddenly felt like making a confession, and guessed as time was limited, there would never be a right time to say it, so he spoke his mind openly.

"I know your life went on after I left you, but I regretted leaving you. I missed you every single day, Donna Noble. I wanted you to be with me forever too. And I was hoping..."

He stopped right there, seeing the look in her eyes. He knew at once she felt the same, and it would have made his hearts beat a little faster if not for the fact that his hearts were already racing from the introduction of the medication into his blood stream.

"I think if you want to kiss me you should do it now," he advised her, "Before the side effects kick in. No one likes the smell of vomit."

Donna looked at him in surprise.

"Oh, you do pick your moments!" she exclaimed,"Thanks a lot - romance and sick in the same sentence? How can I resist?"

And then as he smiled her eyes shone with love.

"I'd better get in there quick, then," she said softly, and as their lips touched, he briefly winced and moved his bruised arm out of the way, then he put his other arm around her and they shared a deep and lingering kiss that had been long over due.

It was the Doctor who ended their kiss as he pulled back, letting his fingers slide through her hair as he looked into her eyes and saw deep longing for more that made him ache with regret for all the radiation had done to him.

"I'm a lot weaker than I look," he said to her, "I want to...but I can't, not right now. Maybe when the meds kick in..."

She saw such apology in his eyes she wanted to hug him and cry and tell him it really didn't matter, all that mattered was the fact that they were finally together...

She managed to smile.

"That's okay," she assured him, and then she stayed beside him, her arm around him as he rested with his head on her shoulder.

"Thanks," the Doctor said.

"What for, shooting you in the arm?"

He briefly smiled as he glanced at her.

"Yes. It's going to help me carry on."

Then he rested against her shoulder once more, looking away from her, so she didn't see the worry that clouded his eyes as he gently ran her fingers through his hair.

"So the side effects, they could be bad?"she asked.

"That's one way of putting it," he murmured, silently concluding brutal would be a better description.

"How bad?" she said quietly.

He gave sigh.

"High temperature, shivering, breathing difficulties, chest pain, flu-like symptoms, nose bleeds, vomiting, hair loss...although I may not get all of those, just a few...I may not get any of it at all if I find a cure fast enough."

He had reeled off that list calmly, trying to get it out of the way and not scare her too much, but Donna had already guessed it was going to be rough.

"Oh, and I forgot - irregular heartbeats...already had that one when the meds kicked in. It seems to be calming down now, but it will come back. And tiredness. I'm not going to have much energy."

Donna was still running her fingers through his hair.

For some reason,what had hit hardest and really brought it home to her just how ill he was had been the mention of hair loss. She swallowed down a lump in her throat as she ran her fingers through his hair again.

"You don't have to worry, I'm here for you. I can handle this...You're going to lose your hair?"

"I might lose some," he replied, and she heard tension in his voice, "I might have to go a bit shorter...that's the least of my worries."

Then he turned his head and met her gaze and noticed her eyes had gazed with tears, but he spelled out the truth all the same:

"I'm not going to lie, Donna. This is going to wreck my looks. I'm going to hate that even more than you will, but it won't be forever."

And she managed another smile as she held back from crying and kept her thoughts silent:

She loved his hair, she didn't want to cut it, she didn't want to change the way he looked. She knew it would definitely break her heart if he asked her to shave his head...

Donna forced herself to stop fearing the worst, because it was the only way to hold back from weeping.

"Too right it won't be forever!" she said,"Now, do you feel up to showing me how to send the SOS? I think I can do it, but you'd better make sure I'm using the right controls."

The Doctor got up stiffly and paused to take a breath, then he slipped off his tie and opened up a few buttons on his shirt.

As Donna joined him worry clouded her eyes.

"Do you feel sick?"

"No," he replied as his face flushed and he began to perspire, "I'm just too hot, it's nothing, it will pass."

And then they left the bedroom and headed back to the console room, where the Doctor hoped Donna was right about recalling the Tardis functions - because he didn't know when the side effects would hit him with force, and he was already feeling the start of it...


Donna stood at the console and ran her gaze over the controls.

"Its that one!" she announced, and reached for a small dial.

"No, its not!" the Doctor said sharply, irritated by the headache and the flickering pain in his stiff bones and the rising heat beneath his flesh that made his twin hearts beat faster than usual, "Take your hand off it!"

And he brushed her hand away a little too roughly, then saw hurt in her eyes and instantly regretted doing that.

"I'm sorry," he said pausing to wipe seat from his face, "I feel lousy and this isn't a good time to teach you anything...Never touch that dial! That's the open channel. Use that to send an SOS, and every ship for miles around can hear you – and hear the Doctor is in trouble, and not all who hear it will be a friend. Some could be enemies. Anyone could catch that message!"

Then he reached over to a small white switch and flipped it as a small monitor beside it jumped to life.

"This is the right one. If there's a huge crisis in the universe, all signals will reach every version of me if the situation demands, but my life hanging in the balance isn't a crisis on a massive scale because regeneration can solve it - so the Tardis won't do that on this occasion. I have to send and keep sending and hope one of my passing selves is close enough to pick up the call."

"And if there's nothing?" she asked.

"We keep trying. Or we go back to Earth and send from there because all my other selves have spent a great deal of time there, it might increase the odds of reaching at least one other version of me."

Then he remembered the channel was still open.

"SOS," he said, "This is the Doctor calling the Doctor. Please respond, I repeat, SOS."

And they waited in silence as all that came back through the speaker system was the hiss of quiet static as the monitor also covered with static snow.

He flipped the switch again.

"SOS, this is the Doctor calling the Doctor. This is urgent, please help."

Again, there was no reply.

Donna thought about how they were one ship out in the vastness of time and space - his other selves could be anywhere, as scattered as the stars. It was a frightening thought, because it had just dawned on her that maybe none of them could hear the distress call, and maybe they never would...

The Doctor stepped back from the console, and he looked tired.

"Take over for a while, I need to rest."

Donna nodded.

"You have that rest," she said to him, and as the Doctor walked away, longing to rest his aching bones, he heard her send the call for help, and again, there was no reply.

Perhaps there never would be.

He didn't want to think about that as the meds kicked in and his temperature rose again, his twin hearts were beating faster than usual and he felt slightly breathless.

The Doctor knew he had to sleep now, and his only wish was to wake and hear the good news from Donna that contact had been made - although he still secretly feared it wouldn't happen. Maybe the fight would come to nothing,maybe he would lose this life because his death could be a fixed point in time - the Doctor just didn't know.

All he did know for certain was that his bones ached, and as he entered his bedroom the sight of his bed was a welcome relief, and so he lay down on it, closed his eyes and slipped into a deep sleep, while up the corridor, in the console room Donna was still making that call, and the reply of static hiss was all that echoed back...