What's up with Logan?

Three months later I was worried about Logan again. For six weeks now, he's been throwing up every morning. It was so weird. He assured me it was nothing serious, but I didn't know if I had to believe him. He emptied his whole stomach and seemed incredibly hungry all day, which wasn't really surprising. What was surprising was the fact that he really gained a few pounds. He never hold anything inside of his body for longer than a day, but he still was slightly heavier than normal. His front was no longer flat, but showed a little bulge. I thought it was incredibly cute. He'd been so skinny all his life and this was such a welcome change. It was still a mystery how he got it, though…

I thought the main reason was his sudden longing for pineapple with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles. It was absolutely disgusting, but I said nothing about it. He loved it so much and he would just start crying if I told him that. He'd been crying a lot lately. Everything made him cry. A little kid that fell? Logan's eyes watered. A dead goldfish? Logan burst out in tears. Yesterday it was because we didn't have any more sprinkles and he 'needed' them for his disgusting creation. I started to count the crying and it turned out I had to comfort him at least three times a day. For the last month. That's a lot.

With all that, I could live. There were some things I really had problems with. The first was that we hadn't had sex in three months. That wasn't good, but I could live with it. My relationship with Logan wasn't about pointless fucking, so if he didn't want to make love, we didn't do it. But three months was very long and the only pleasure I had was with my hand. That's pathetic when you have a boyfriend. I thought I could get an orgasm out of one kiss from Logan, but that didn't happen either. Because that was the second thing, he didn't kiss me anymore. The last one was a week ago, but that wasn't even a kiss. That was a peck on my cheek. This really, really hurt me. I could go another few months without sex, but kissing wasn't that bad right? Even when you're sick you can kiss your boyfriend every once in a while… right? Yes. So I was worried. Very worried. The only physical contact we had was in bed, when he was sleeping in my arms. He always did that and I was so glad that it hadn't changed. At the end of the day he would just cuddle with me and I would forget about why I was irritated with him all together. I just couldn't stay mad at him for long. I loved him too much, but what if he didn't want to be with me anymore?

That nightmare only won in power because of the third and worst thing. He didn't tell me he loved me anymore. The last time I actually heard him saying it was the day of the last day we'd sex. Three fucking months ago. In the first month, every time I told him that I loved him he would just respond with 'you too' or 'same here'. The second month was worse. The only response I got was a 'hmm' or a 'yeah'. Exactly twenty days ago, he didn't answer at all and ten days ago I just gave up. I didn't say it anymore, because his reaction –or the lack of- hurt me too much. I would wait for him to tell me. If that was going to happen again. But I missed it so much. He was really breaking my heart with this. Was he preparing me for a break up? Was he really planning on dumping me? I was sure I couldn't handle that yet. Or ever. And then it happened.

When we went to bed, he lay down on the other side instead of next to me. I waited a while, but he had his back turned to me and never showed any intention of scooting over. In half an hour, he was fast asleep. Without me. That's when I broke.

Silent tears ran down my cheeks while my body shook and trembled. I turned away from him and sobbed quietly. The only thing I could think about was that it was over. He was going to leave me. He didn't love me anymore. This was the first time in almost four years –yes, I counted the days- that I was sleeping alone. The first time since we became a couple that his little body wasn't pressed against me chest. The first time that I couldn't listen to his breathing and feel the rising and falling of his chest to make sure he was alive and healthy. I felt so cold and alone I couldn't find the urge to sleep anymore. So instead, I cried the rest of the night. Or until I had no more tears to spent.

That was at three pm. My pillow was cold and soaked from all the salt liquid that came pouring out my eyes. I'd been shaking so much I was surprised that Logan didn't wake up from it. But why would he? He didn't care about me anymore. I so desperately wanted to reach out for him and pull him in my arms, but I couldn't. It hurt me too much.

"Kendall?" He asked tiredly. I felt him pulling on the blanket when he sat up a bit. "What's wrong?" He asked worriedly when he saw me trembling.

"D-don't y-y-ou lo-love me a-an-anymore?" I sobbed, not turning around. I didn't want to see his face when he found out that I knew.

"What makes you think that?" He asked shocked.

"You ne-never s-say it anymore an-and y-y-you d-didn't cu-cuddle with m-me t-to-tonight. Y-you a-al-always d-do t-that, Logie. W-why n-not n-n-now?" I felt new thick, harsh sobs coming from my throat.

He didn't answer me, something that scared me even more. Was it really true? Why didn't he say anything? Can't he just tell me so we get it over with? I felt a soft hand rubbing my shaking shoulders. He came closer and moved his hand from my shoulder to my hair. "I'm so sorry Kendall" He whispered, his own tears sounded through in his voice. "I never meant to hurt you like this. I've no idea what has been wrong with me lately. I now see that I've been so mean to you. I can't believe I did those things. Or what I did not do anymore. I love you Kendal. I really, really do love you so much. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner. I'm sorry for not kissing you anymore. I'm sorry for not cuddling with you tonight. I've no clue what has gotten over me to do that. I love it all so incredibly much. You've been amazing while I was sick and grumpy all the time. I love you. Please let me make it up to you?" He practically begged me the last part.

That calmed me down somewhat. He really sounded like he still loved me, but now I was mad. How hard was it to tell me that every once in a while? Three little words, how tough was that?

"I just want you to remember me. That you kiss me and tell me that you love me back when I tell you that. A little affection, that's all I'm asking for. But now you didn't even sleep in my arms? You always do that, I can't even sleep without you anymore. Why didn't you, Logan?"

"I don't know why. I can't even remember" He whispered miserably. "Please let me make it up to you" He pleaded. He hesitantly lay an arm around my waist but I shook it off.

"Please Kendall. I feel so bad and guilty right now. I can't believe I did this!" He said, on the very edge of tears.

I didn't respond, just kept staring at the wall in front of me. I heard him sigh and then the sound of footsteps walking around the bed. He sat down on his knees on the ground so our faces were at the same level. He used his index finger to pull up my chin so I had to look him in his eyes. The huge brown eyes I fell in love with were filled with guilt and regret. I couldn't see pain and disappointment behind the first emotions, but most of all I saw the love and longing I missed so much. I really thought I would never see that in his eyes anymore when he would look at me. This only made me angrier, why did he had to scare the shit out of me first before he told me it wasn't even true. Why was it so hard to tell me he loved me?

"I love you, Kendall. Please, let me make it up to you, I'm begging you. It hurts so much seeing you like this and it's a million times worse because it's my fault. I've no idea what made me do all this, but I promise to never treat you like that again. Please, Kendall?"

Again, I didn't respond. His eyes filled with tears. He waited two minutes before he got up and walked back to his side of the bed. He turned his back to me and curled up in fetal position. I swear I heard a little sob. Ten minutes later we were both still awake, but neither of us said anything. I couldn't handle it anymore and scooted closer to him. I spooned him and pulled him closely to my chest.

"I-"

"Not a word" I hissed. "This is only because I don't know how to sleep without you anymore and I really need a few hours. I'm still mad at you"

I felt him nod and he turned around in my arms so he could bury his head against my chest. He kissed it once. Or maybe twice. And it was such a sweet gesture I almost forgave him then and there. Almost. I rested my chin on his head and it didn't take long before we both were fast asleep.

This chapter was first much longer, but I decided to split it in two. In this way I have more time to fill the period until I go to Paris. I hope you won't hate me then for not updating in three weeks…
But what did you think of this one?