This is an omake from the upcoming fifth fic in the "Perfectly Normal" series, which will cover Harry's summer before fourth year. I often write scenes in advance if my muse inspires me, and catch up to them later and weave them in. However, it's an imperfect technique for sometimes by the time I reach that scene they don't fit the plot of the story any more - like this one. But I thought it was too fun to just discard, and so I've tweaked it a little and I hope you all enjoy reading it as a standalone ficlet.

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"She's not as… polite as I expected," Harry said warily, eyeing the wild-eyed woman in the painting as spittle flew from her mouth as vile insults spilled out in a constant stream.

He turned to the portrait and said in a cold rarefied voice reminiscent of Snape, "And I would have you know, madam, that the most you can accuse me of is being a half-blood, not 'Muggle filth'. And I am a wizard who is a member of your family, so accusing me of being a thief and a beggar seems most inappropriate."

She seemed shocked into temporary silence, gaping like a fish.

"You shut her up! I think that deserves a hearty round of applause," said Sirius, looking remarkably cheerful.

The portrait rallied quickly and screeched at Sirius, "I never heard of any wedding, and I should know! It would have appeared on the tapestry! How could you have a child out of wedlock?! You're a disgrace to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black! A shameful stain!"

She rounded on Harry next, "What kind of Mudblood slattern did you have for a mother, boy? Some brainless tart like all the other pieces of trash your father dallied with no doubt! You're nothing but a filthy low-born bastard, and I shan't acknowledge you. You're nothing to this family!"

"Are you going to tell her, or shall I?" said Harry, teeth clenched in anger.

A wicked gleam entered Sirius' eyes. "Oh please, let me. It's my job as your father. You see mother, the reason you never knew about my son before is because his mother is a Muggle."

"Filth! Besmirching our fine family by consorting with a-"

"-Lovely young lady who worked cleaning toilets for a living," interrupted Sirius loudly over the top of his mother's slander, with a wild grin. "Very respectable profession, that is. Being a maid."

"Sirius!" objected Harry, with a bit of laughter sneaking out.

"Go on, get yourself to the kitchen for a snack, son. Mother and I need a bit of a chat." Sirius patted him on the head and shooed him away with a twinkle in his eye. "The language might get a bit too salty for your delicate ears."

"Yes, sir."

"Did you even marry your filthy servant girl?" shrieked the harpy in the painting. "I never heard a word of this!"

Harry wandered off towards the kitchen, suspecting that he wouldn't want to hear more of Sirius egging his mother's portrait on into a frothing fury. At least she wouldn't be saying a word about his real parents.

Sirius' taunting voice drifted down the hallway as Harry left. "How could I wed her, mother? She was already married to someone else. Perhaps I should move her in here now I'm free…"

Walburga's angry screams were like music to Harry's ears.