"I remember seeing the Admiral for the first time. Remember the exact date. It was April 11th, 2172, the day I enlisted into the Systems Alliance, also my eighteenth birthday. Not a doubt in my mind that I wanted to be in the Alliance, it was my life goal for as long as I can remember. I'd flaunt over tapes and video logs of the First Contact War, the battles interested me and left me exhilarated. Hence why I could barely stay in my seat on the ride to the Arcturus Station." Shepard tapped her fingers along the desk, an icon on the counsel spun as it recorded her voice. A shiver of anxiety ran up her spine and through her hair, she picked her words as carefully as she could in her half-drunken state. She had found the audio logs that he had left around the apartment, she figured that it was time to return the favor for what he said about her.

"As much as I wanted it, I couldn't help but feel a little… nervous… as I walked through the door. Everything became a blur. The people, the paperwork, the soldiers in the courtyard doing drills, it was exciting for a moment, but… to be honest, it was also a little frightening. I mean, I had never had any doubts about joining the Alliance before, but I couldn't help but fear for my life right then. I wanted to scream and turn tail right out the front door and never turn back. Probably would have ended up as a farmer or a simple tech on Earth, if I had. Besides, those L3 biotic implants I had gotten a year before would have gone to waste. But that's beyond the point." Shepard continued with her audio log, her eyes weary and her mind sluggish from the large consumption of alcohol she had practically inhaled. Her voice gently echoed through the empty apartment, the electrical fire crackled lightly as she swiveled in her chair.

"So, like I said, everything was a blur. It's hard to explain, I just couldn't keep my mind to myself. They asked an endless amount of questions, ran a few hundred blood tests, did a thorough check up of the implants, but I just couldn't focus on anyone or anything. I answered the questions without emotion nor feeling, even when they tried to prod me with personal questions about my parents or my background. I remember overhearing one guy whisper to his clerk that either I was shocked out of my senses or I was naturally like that and needed a psychological evaluation to make sure I wasn't a psychopath or sociopath. I didn't take much note of it, if they decided I was unfit for the program, I figured that would be just fine. That's how scared shitless I was. Doubts kept running through my head, reality was biting me in the ass. This was going to be the rest of my life. This might kill me. Was I ready for that? What if I wasn't good enough? All these experienced-looking, tough men and women with scars all over their faces and these dark, determined eyes. These eyes like fire, like they'd been through every battle known to man and seen a demon in every one."

She closed her eyes, remembering how dull her mind had been, how frightened she was inside, "They threw me in a room where all the other rookies were changing with nothing but a number and a uniform. These other boys had that hard look to them too, and it scared me that I may the only one who felt like running. They told us we were going to go through a tough drill session and then they were going to ask us if we still wanted to be in the Alliance, and we could leave right then. That's when I'd figured I would run. I would never have to see this place again. I wanted to pass out."

"The drill sergeant was loud and put his face right in front of this one little boy; made him faint. The poor thing." She leaned back in her chair, reliving the memories as she gazed around the empty apartment.

"I barely noticed; I was watching these two guys discussing something across the courtyard. One of them just grabbed my attention, he just looked so honorable, his face, his posture… but something made him seem out of place. I couldn't put my finger on it, just this young, dark man with a fancy navy blue uniform on. They were both really tough looking, but he was just very peculiar to me. They ended up walking right past all the rookies as we were instructed to do a hundred pushups. I was warn-out by the third rep. But I just kept watching him go by, I remember noting that he had the N7 symbol on his uniform and I felt my heart sink with dread and utter admiration—hard to explain how those two feelings blended as they did, but that's what I felt. That was when I realized what made him seem out of place: beyond those muscles and the deadly, serious expression, there was kindness in his eyes and in his voice. I remember him looking straight at me, and I froze in place, thinking I had done something wrong or my hair was messed up or my uniform was on backwards or something stupid like that. I… I remember him smiling, and giving me a quick nod." She paused, studying a discolored floorboard with deep concentration, frowning as she did.

"It was the oddest of things…and I smiled back. One of those goofy, 'this is kind of awkward' kind of smiles. Either too much teeth or not enough, I felt embarrassed but I… I also felt honored. And from that moment on, I wasn't scared anymore, and I swore that I would be like that man someday. I ended up being the first to finish the push-ups." She rolled her neck and swung it back and forth before she continued, "Who on Earth would have guessed that eleven years later, I'd be working with the very man that kept me in training—with a simple smile and nod, mind you. I worked under Anderson up until he handed over the Normandy, the very ship that he assisted to plan and create. Now he's given me his apartment, said I'd be 'doing him a favor.' …God almighty…" She shook her head as she gazed around once more.

"That man would give me the world on a string if he thought it would help me. I…" she blinked hard and drew air into her lungs sharp and deep, "Anderson's like a father to me… Every success I've ever had couldn't have happened if it weren't for him… I couldn't have defeated Saren if he hadn't given me the SSV Normandy, I couldn't have gotten all the data on the Illusive Man if he hadn't help me get my Spectre status back from the Council, I couldn't have left Earth to gather the alliances I have if he hadn't…" She closed her eyes and took another deep breath, then continued softly, "I am no hero. I just did what had to be done. Anderson's the one who risked everything for nothing. He trusted me, and that's all he wanted, that's all he'd swore he needed." Shepard closed her eyes tight.

"He's the real hero, not me. From the very moment that I met him, I've never seen him sit down. Not for a second. Not Anderson. He's always up doing something. He's the one on Earth fighting the Reapers everyday and every night. I could never do that, I'd run out of fuel somewhere along the way. But he hasn't. He's giving the people a reason to believe and a reason to keep fighting, even when he feels like he's losing everything, he keeps the fire on. He's down there trying to make me look like I'm the legend, I'm the savior, I'm a goddess among demons… They don't see the diamond that's lighting their path right in front of them…" She rested her head in her hands, "Sorry, I'm rambling."

She sighed, "I just want him to rest. It hurts me to see him fight so hard with no reward and no time to just sit down… Sit back and enjoy the view, smell the roses, settle down with a family… This damn galaxy won't calm down for long enough to let him enjoy himself… After the Reapers are destroyed, I'm going to set up a long vacation for Anderson—retirement, if he'll let me. He deserves it. He deserves that and everything I own, and more."

Shepard leaned forward and took another sip of her blue liquor, feeling guilty as the warm liquid filled her with a pleasuring buzz of relaxation. Feeling her hypocrisy edge to the surface and mingle with her eyes, "He's the damn hero here, not me. I wish everyone could see that…" After a pause, she turned the recording off and pressed her palms into her eyes.

"I first met Admiral David Anderson somewhere around the year 2165, shortly after he and Saren worked together in their mission to find Dr. Qian and Had'dah. I was a young C-Sec officer, so to get me some experience, they sat me down with Anderson to interrogate him about the mission, as there were a few details that seemed unclear in his report. That's mainly where the majority of my suspicions of Saren's rogue nature came to rise. Being a moderately experienced rookie, the higher-ups had tossed me in with a lot of interrogations of a lower importance... Damn bureaucratic assholes, didn't want me to get into action for my impeccable aim and get the attention of the Council and break the record for youngest Turian Spectre, so they put me into damn community cleanups…" Garrus shook his head and paused, "Anyway…" He sighed and rolled his eyes.

"The first thing I noticed about Anderson were his eyes. Being a Turian, the eyes are the first thing we see, our natural superiority complex leads us to trust or mistrust someone depending on their eye contact. I've noticed that human veterans of the Relay 314 Incident either glare back at Turians in a natural response to the anger towards them for the misunderstandings between races, or they refuse to make eye contact because they fear something that they went through in the Incident that causes them fear in Turians—" With that he glanced over at Shepard, "—a little think I confirmed with our ship's old psychologist, Kelly Chambers."

He grinned at her and she nodded back to him, prodding him to continue, "But Anderson… he was different." Garrus kept his eyes on his love while he spoke, she was moderately busy pacing across the room anxiously, glancing back at him every so often. She was adorn in her fancy silver dress—the only dress she owned. But Garrus could clearly tell that she was listening intently at all times. He realized that this meant a lot to her; and he silently promised her he wouldn't mess it up, so he watched his words.

"I reviewed his file while on my way to the interrogation room, and in seeing it, I felt that he'd be the glaring type. Having been only twenty years of age at the time of the Incident and newly appointed an N7, Anderson seemed like the type prematurely thrown into the biggest battle of his life—probably very frightening. But then I found that he had just finished working with the most aggressive, unconventional Spectre out there, also being a Turian. He definitely seemed like the glaring type. What threw me off was the fact that a few years after the Relay 314 Incident, Anderson had gone into training with some one of our more hardcore turian military training systems. It was hard to believe that a human walked in and out of that—hell, it was outrageous to hear a human from the Incident was even friendly to turians!"

"So anyway, I walked into the room and he was on his feet, at first making me suspicious that he had something to hide about the mission, but when I made eye contact with him, he saluted me. He made immediate eye contact, even before I did, and he neither glared nor cowered. His eyes themselves were respectful, kind, and fearless. Something that I found incredibly intriguing for a human. All humans seem to have a softness in their eyes—at least to Turians they do—and he had that softness too, but he also had a touch of the defiant heart that you only find in Turian eyes. It was bewildering, and it caught me off guard. When I told him to sit down, he refused and remained standing, with his hands formally behind his back during the entire interrogation. Answered everything question I asked as true as it comes. Gave me background when needed and described things as closely as a Drell lost in a vivid memory. He didn't lead on any distrust towards Saren on his own, but he did help me with previous suspicions of Saren's betrayal."

He gave Shepard a nod and took a moment to admire her amazing outfit that she had been caught wearing when the mercs attacked her earlier in the night. She frowned back at him, so he continued, "I've never met a human quite like Anderson, he would have fought through hell and back and still had a smile on his face. I don't think I know of any Turian nor Krogan or any other race who could have been through half as much shit as he's been through and still be as sane as he is. Anderson is a good man, an honest man. And I'm honored that I've had the opportunity to work with him and get to know him. Spirits know that that man deserves a giant ass metal for everything he's done for this galaxy." He stopped recording and leaned back in the chair, swiveling it around to face Shepard.

"Your turn now, honey." His mouth plates formed a mischievous smirk.

"I already did mine."

"Oh really? May I hear it?"

"Not right now, Garrus…" She sighed, "It's kind of personal."

He grumbled, "Since when do you say personal things?" He spun the chair and pushed it with one stroke of his legs to Shepard's side, "You're not telling secrets about me, are you?" He stood and grasped his beloved by the waist, she responded by wrapping her arms around him, head resting against his cowl.

"No, Garrus, there's nothing in there about you." She sighed again, her voice wavering with tenderness and fatigue. It meant a lot to her, so he felt it best to let it be. Instead he nuzzled into her hair and pulled her in close. She wasn't acting like herself, something just seemed off. He decided to lighten the mood.

"I know, dearest." He stroked the side of his face to her cheek gently, "You can always talk about it… If you ever wanted to." He whispered into her ear before nuzzling it, "Isn't that what boyfriends are for?" He let out a short huff of laughter. But she still didn't seem to want to laugh or smile, he couldn't feel her muscles tighten into a smile against his face like they did when she grinned. Something was really bothering her.

"Jane," He pulled back his head to look deep into her eyes, "you're going to have to tell someone what's wrong sooner or later. If not me, then someone else, I don't care. It's been building up, I know it." He gazed into her eyes, but she wouldn't look back at him, "I told you to come up for air, right?" He touched one of his long talons to her chin, provoking her to look up at him directly, "Well I'm here with my arm in the water, pleaded for you to grab my hand and let me pull you out." He pressed his lip plates to her forehead in reassurance.

"I came up for air, Garrus…" She took a great effort to gaze back into his eyes with green portals of dark exhaustion, drained of all emotion. "Just now that I have air to breathe, I realize that my heart is too heavy to let my lungs enjoy the break of struggle."

Garrus sighed and slowly blinked at her, "Shepard, don't blame yourself for all of this, Anderson stayed on Earth by his own choice, but he knew he could trust you to get every species known to man together like you have. The galaxy has been at war for one thing or another for as long as there was a galaxy to fight over, different species have fought with one another for no better reason but to show superiority. But you put an end to that. Think about this, Shepard, the krogan, turians, and salarian have never played nice together since the genophage, and now Wrex and Eve are planning on having kids and everyone's happy and fighting side-by-side for the first time ever." He grabbed her arms tightly and brought his face level with hers, ensuring that his words were getting to her, "The geth and quarian have been at war from pretty much the moment that the geth were created, and now they're on Rannoch building a better tomorrow. Together."

He pressed his forehead against hers and placed his hands onto her mostly bare shoulders, "Anyone could have received ten million credits from any batarian military for giving them your head on a roasted spit, but now, every batarian alive is getting ready to fly to Earth to protect the human homeworld, by your order."

Shepard let out a huff, "Always such a charmer, Garrus."

He paused, maybe he went a little too far with that last part, "…Well, I try to be."

He felt Shepard smirk a little and shake her head to herself, he continued, "The point is, none of this would have happened if it weren't for you." He slid his hands down her arms to grasp her hands in his. "As much as you try to blame yourself for all the wrong in the galaxy, you seem to forget about all the good that you have brought to it. Anderson knew that you would be the right person for the job." He looked back up at her, "You know Anderson, he doesn't have the same way with words as you do. He couldn't have convinced a batarian to side with him while the batarian had a gun to his head, he couldn't have stopped the quarian from trying to wipe out the geth for good and instead destroy their own fleet, and he certainly couldn't have convinced a turian to get into bed with him by making a crack about reach and flexibility."

She smiled at that. Garrus watched as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. They stood there in silence for a moment, and then he felt her lean her head forward and kiss him on the plates of his lips. He took it as a good sign and kissed back, forming his lip plates along hers as best as he could. It was a strange human reaction of romance, but he had adopted it just as she had adopted the biting reaction of his race. It was different, it was exotic, it was strange and kind of awkward…but he liked it that way, it was just another way of making their relationship unique.

After a moment, they slowly pulled apart.

"I guess my mouth has saved me more than I realized." Shepard whispered as her green eyes fixated with Garrus' blue ones. "After all, it got me you." She brought her hands up to his face, caressing him as she pecked him on the lip plates again, "I'd be lost without you, Garrus."

"Hmm…" He groaned in disagreement, "I think you'd be able to hold out without me, you fought off batarian war lords single-handedly on Elysium, you survived Akuze when your team was decimated by Thresher Maws, you kicked ass on that asteroid in the Bahak system. You're a rebel, Shepard, you're a survivor, I know that you could definitely get through without m—" He stopped when he realized Shepard was laughing.

"I'm trying to be romantic, Garrus."

Garrus felt his face plating get hot, "Oh… That's what that was… Well, uh… I… I knew that, I was just…" Shepard laughed and placed a finger over his lip plates to shut him up.

"You need some practice with that, sweety." She replaced her finger on his lip plates with her own lips, they kissed deeply for a while, alone in Anderson's old apartment. Garrus then leaned back and gently moved the hair from her face, taking another look at her stunning dress.

"I told you that you look absolutely gorgeous in this dress, didn't I?" He said as he watched her.

There was that familiar blush and smirk he'd been waiting for, "Yes,"

"And did I tell you what it would match perfectly with?" He gave her a wicked grin.

"No… What would it match with?"

Garrus swiftly hauled Shepard up into his arms, he kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear, "the bed sheets."

"Garrus…?" The dark room echoed the name longingly as if the owner of the voice was lost and distant.

"Hmm?" Came the harmonious grunt of a reply.

"What do you think is going to happen to us?" She asked as she ran her fingers along her mate's side.

It took a moment before the dreary response: "…We're going to get back on the Normandy, go kick bastard Kai Leng and the Illusive Man right in the balls, and save the galaxy from the Reapers." He rested his chin on the top of her head, his long arms squeezing her gently to his alien form, finishing with a more conscious; "Just like old times."

Shepard closed her eyes and took a deep breath, her voice ingrained with hesitant despair, "Yeah… Just like old times…" She nuzzled into his chest, "But what's going to happen to us when we start fighting the Reapers?"

Garrus pulled his head back and gave Shepard a worried look, "Well… We're going to give it all we've got, and when we've run out of things to give, we're going to keep giving some more… Wouldn't you say?" She could feel his hand run up and down her back, as his eyes analyzed hers in the darkness, "What's on your mind?" He asked with a frown.

Shepard sighed, she could feel her repetitive nightmares biting at her conscious with oily shadows and glowing eyes, taking chunks out of her already weakened mind. She looked out at the darkness of their room, her eyes vacant, "I'm afraid." She whispered, her voice quivering and her mind screaming at her to even admit the truth to herself, let alone admit it out loud. She glanced at Garrus, who continued to keep a steady but gentle eye contact with her in the darkness of their bedroom. They lay in bed together comfortably unclothed, but Shepard still felt an aching in her head and heart, keeping her awake, making her sweat with worry. His silence told her that he was letting her speak at her own pace. His patience was endless.

"I keep thinking about the mission on Eden Prime with Kaiden, Jenkins, Ashley, and Nihlus… Before I met you" She said slowly.

"Hmm… Figures, the one memory you keep rolling around in your head shamelessly and it's before you even met me." He smirked to himself.

She kicked him.

He let out a grunt and grabbed her gingerly to pull her up to eye level with him before stroking her bare side. He left his hand on her waist for just a little longer before running his hand back up. He pressed his nose to her forehead for just a moment, willing her to continue.

She breathed in his thick, scaly scent. Exotic but at home. There was no one she respected and loved more than Garrus, hell, he had told her about Lia'lin, it was about time that she open herself up to him and tell her the suspicions that she was building, "I remember when Sovereign left the planet with Saren… And I remember the incredible ringing in my head. Throughout the entire mission, we kept running into people who kept saying they felt the ringing in their head, too." She rested her forehead against his, "I just know that it was the beginning of indoctrination. Just like Benezia described it… I'm afraid that…"

"I'm going to stop you right there, Jane, I know where you're going with this and you are not indoctrinated. Believe me, I would know. I knew you before you had any other connection with Sovereign, and I've been with you ever since." He used his arms to pull her closer to him, "You haven't changed a bit."

"It's not…. completely me… that I'm worried about…" Shepard faded off, her eyes dark, "I'm worried for… everyone…" Garrus pulled his head back and gave her a confused look, his eyes then slowly filled with dread as he realized what she meant, but she continued; "Sovereign was only one Reaper, yet he touched the minds of an entire human colony with his grasp of indoctrination." She paused, clenching her hands behind Garrus' back, her body slowly tensing as the whole thought came to surface and reality aligned itself with her words and her nightmares, "With the entire army of Reapers so close and heavily at work destroying…." Her voice caught, thinking of the moment she left earth as the Reapers were just starting to touch down, "…destroying everything… How strong do you think the indoctrinating presence would be?" Her mind started racing as she imagined soldiers running into battle, guns flaring and adrenaline roaring. Only to stop, dumbfounded, amazed, and lured; then they would turn to their squad mates—indoctrinated—and turn the tables drastically.

"Especially in a place with a large amount of Reaper forces… Let's say…" she swallowed hard, "…London?"