A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I really appreciate it.

Sorry it took so long for me to update, but schoolwork has been exhausting. Again, I don't own the Harry Potter series, and I'm not trying to insult J.K. Rowling's work. This is purely for comedic purposes.

Harry thought- no, knew- that Hermione was having romance issues lately. It was proven when she openly admitted to reading the Twilight series; only the most love-starved people would submit to reading that garbage. He thought that this weekend in particular (the Weasley's decided to have a nice Saturday get-together and had left Hogwarts) would help her sort out her feelings and finally attach them to Ron.

Yes, even lesser beings were capable of finding love.

When he turned on his cell phone the following morning, he couldn't help but grin…sexily.

Hermione has changed her relationship status to "it's complicated"

He had to admit: being right felt pretty good. Harry sent a brief message to Ron about checking Hermione's Facebook page, adding a winky face at the end to show that he really meant business.

Ginny and 14 others like this

Comments:

Ginny: With who?

Harry sighed, rolling his eyes. Though his girlfriend was incredibly attractive and attentive to his every desire, she could act so much like her idiotic ginger of a brother. (A/N: Nothing against gingers, y'all! I was one when I was younger.)

Harry: Ron, of course. Didn't you read that comment war with Edward?

Ginny: I fainted halfway through, remember?

Oh. He had forgotten that.

Ron: I am totally indifferent to this status change.

Ginny: Ron, when you checked your news feed you squealed like a little girl and danced around the house. Again, don't forget that I live with you.

Ron: Who's to say that you aren't lying?

Fred: Me.

George: Me.

Molly: Me.

Ron: MOM!

At this point, Harry was considering grabbing a bag of popcorn. Molly Weasely was not only the most epic mom he had ever met; she was also the most embarrassing. Especially when it came to her children's love lives.

Ron might as well have written his will on the spot.

Molly: Sorry, dear, but you did break my favorite plate during your excited rampage.

Ron: YOU ARE A FREAKING WIZARD! YOU CAN JUST FIX IT!

Molly: I don't like the tone you are using with me, young man.

Ron: THIS IS FACEBOOK! YOU CAN'T EVEN HEAR ME!

Ginny: To be fair, Ron, you do have a tendency to read what you're posting out loud.

Hermione: Guys, I wasn't talking about Ron. I was talking about Viktor.

His sexy laughter was rudely interrupted by this not-at-all-sexy post.

Uh-oh. All Merlin was about to break loose.

Harry: WHAT

Fred: WHAT

George: WHAT

Molly: WHAT

Ginny: Ron just fainted.

Harry stared intently at the screen, waiting for Hermione to say something to help smooth the situation, or for Ron to properly react (though fainting could be considered a decent reaction.) Nothing happened.

He sat there for seven excruciating minutes, occupying himself by occasionally flexing in the mirror. Finally, something popped up.

Ron has changed his relationship status to "it's complicated."

This was turning into a soap opera. Obviously, Harry was the star, a rich billionaire with striking good looks and a dramatic past. This would be a side episode, where he was caught in the crossfire between a romantic-ish battle between two of his kind-sorta friends. The ratings would be through the roof, especially when he'd lost his shirt halfway through. Why hadn't he thought of this before?

Ginny and 4 others like this

Comments:

Hermione: …

Ginny: I KNEW you'd finally admit that you like Hermione!

Ron: Actually, this isn't about Hermione.

If Harry had been drinking anything, he'd have a spit take. In fact, the idea sounded so good to him that he filled a goblet with water and spat it all over the person sitting closest to him, which happened to be Neville. Neville sighed loudly and begin to wipe his face with his robe, not making a sound.

Geez, if the guy insisted on being such a pushover, he should've joined Hufflepuff.

Harry: Then who is it about?

Hermione: Guys, that's his private information. He doesn't have to tell you.

Ron: Come on, Hermione; stop begging me to tell you. My lips are sealed.

Hermione: I'm not begging you to tell me anything.

Ron: Fine, I'll tell you. It's… pause for dramatic effect…

Ron: …

Ron: …

Ginny: FOR THE LOVE OF POTIONS JUST TELL US

Ron: … Fleur.

Ginny: WHAT

Harry: WHAT

Harry performed another spit take on the previously-dry Neville, who didn't bother to clean his face again.

Hermione: You haven't spoken to her since the Triwizard Tournament, Ron.

Ron: Yeah, but we had a fairly passionate parting. She even shook my hand.

Hermione: Does she know your name?

Ron: Yeah! She just calls me "Harry Potter's sidekick" for short. We're already on a nickname basis.

Hermione: "Harry Potter's sidekick" is much longer than "Ron."

Hmm… "Harry Potter's sidekick." It had a nice ring to it. Perhaps that would be the ginger's new name. Though maybe the word "sidekick" was too rewarding… lackey? Fanboy? Slave? He would think of it later.

Ginny: Ron, you do know that she's kind of with Bill now, right?

Ron: Probably because we look alike. She's totally missing me.

Harry: Merlin's beard…

It was official. His friends were hopeless. Honestly, they should've been taking notes on he and Ginny's relationship. It was so sweet how she would constantly take pictures of him and post them in her scrapbook, and how she would squeal with delight at everything he did. Ginny was also the president and founding member of his fan club. She was almost too perfect.

Though he really had to ask her to stop hiding tracking devices in his robe. That was a bit odd.

~o0*0o~

Harry was a genius. He had spent the last five hours ignoring the stacks of homework he had to complete before the next day trying to come up with the perfect Facebook post, and he had finally achieved it.

Harry: I saw this cool thing that some Pokémon fans tried out; they all took turns writing a line from the theme song and posting it as a comment chain. We should do the same thing with our own song!

This was almost better than the soap opera idea. He marveled at all of the likes as they stacked up, leaping from 20 to 20,000 and beyond in a matter of seconds. Not that he was surprised, really. His shirtless selfie caused Facebook to shut down for a full seven hours due to excessive likes.

Colin and 7,584,038 others like this

Comments:

Harry: Na na na na

Ron: Na naaaa naaaa

Colin: Na na na na na

Parvati: Na naaaaaa

Ginny: Na na na na na

Neville: What are we doing, guys?

Harry screamed and flipped a nearby table in the Gryffindor common room, which just happened to be the one Neville was sitting at. His laptop smacked into his oversized head and he fell to the floor, moaning. Everybody else in the area stared at the potato-like child on the ground for a brief moment, and then returned to their previous activities.

Harry: GOSHDARNIT NEVILLE

Ron: YOU BLOODY SCREW UP

Hermione: You guys do know that our song is instrumental, right?

Darn that Hermione. She always had to ruin his dramatic moments with her so-called "logic" and "proper thinking." What a drag. No wonder Ron and Victor were the only males on earth to ever show attraction to that chick.

Packing up his computer, he exited the room, along with most of the other Gryffindor students. They ignored the boy who was still on the floor, twitching slightly whenever anyone stepped on him.

~o0*0o~

Harry smirked as he approached his totally hot girlfriend Ginny, who was sitting at the Gryffindor table in the great hall. She was submerged in a conversation with Patil and Parvati, gesturing furiously as she talked. The twins seemed grateful when he sat down, catching the girl's attention and allowing them to escape from their talk.

"Harry, you need to check your Facebook right now!" Ginny stared at him meaningfully before he sighed and pulled out his laptop from his robes (it took a lot of duct tape to keep in in there) and opened it up. A recent post immediately piqued his interest.

Cho: Sometimes I like to think about all of the things that we never got to do, and though your love was the strongest I've ever felt, the heartbreak had the same amount of power. I would always get lost in your eyes, yet now I find myself lost in my own mind. Your smile would tug at my heartstrings, but now all I feel is heartbreak. The hardest part is that no matter how long my love lasts, we will never have what we once had… /3

Well.

Well.

It seemed that Harry had an even stronger influence over the ladies than he previously thought.

"Can you believe her," Ginny growled over his shoulder, glaring at the very post he had just finished reading. "She's a total stereotypical psycho ex-girlfriend! Doesn't she know that we're dating now? I mean, I mention that you're my boyfriend, like, a hundred times a day!" She continued to rant about how peeved she was at Cho, and how she would never speak to Padma and Parvati ever again for liking that post, and blabbity-blah. Harry was too busy trying to catch Cho's attention through sexy glances and hair flips. Sure, he was dating Ginny, but she was so psyched about dating her lifelong crush that she wouldn't mind another chick hanging around. Cho was super-hot and totally into him, the two most important factors of a strong relationship.

He made a mental not to research if wizards allowed polygamy.

Parvati and 42 others liked this

Comments:

Parvati: That was so deep, Cho!

Padma: Totally. Guys really suck, you know?

What? Padma had it absolutely wrong. This wasn't an angry jab at her past with Harry, it was a desperate plea for him to show her some sort of attention.

Sighing dramatically, he complied with the girl's obvious wish.

Harry: Oh, please… Cho, I get it, ok?

Cho: What?

Harry: Look, I'm dating Ginny now. You're going to have to move on. Or become comfortable with being a less important love interest.

Ginny: Yeah, back off.

Harry noted Ginny's act of ignoring the last part of his comment. Perhaps the whole polygamy thing would work out.

Cho: I wasn't talking about you, Harry. I was talking about Cedric.

Oh.

That sparkling twit just had to ruin his moment.

Harry: ...

Parvati: You should feel ashamed.

Ginny: I apologize for my boyfriend's behavior.

Harry: You were the one to tell her to 'back off!'

Edward: Cho, I'm right here!

A scream rang out in the common room. Most people ignored it (it was probably the Slytherins torturing the first years again), but Harry turned to see that it was Cho. He had forgotten that she had not yet seen Cedric in his, *ahem*, sparkly form. Turning back to his laptop, Harry decided to just sit back and enjoy the rest of the comments.

Cho: WHAT THE CRAP! WHY ARE YOU SO PALE AND FEMININE?

Harry: That's what I said.

Bella: And he has a girlfriend.

Harry: Not this again…

Cho: Who's Bella, and how did she reach this conversation?

Bella: HIS GIRLFRIEND YOU LITTLE WITCH

Cho: I am a witch. And according to your profile picture, you need plastic surgery.

Harry: BURN

Edward: Bella, let's not bother arguing with these people. Come over to my place, and you can watch me rip innocent animals into shreds with my fangs as I feast on their blood.

Bella: Sounds good to me.

Cho: Why did I ever date him…

Harry had to nod in agreement with Cho's last comment. Honestly, she picked that freak over him, the sexiest wizard alive!

Ginny, satisfied with the lack of competition for her boyfriend's heart, squealed and began to list off his many perfections in a fit of glee. Yeah, she was obsessive, but she would do for the time being.

~o0*0o~

It was two in the morning and Harry was bored. After ruling out doing trivial things like homework or reading (who invented books anyway?), he decided to get back on Facebook. To his surprise, a bunch of others had logged on as well.

Luna: I seem to have misplaced my shoes again…

Draco and 5 others like this

Comments:

Draco: Gee, I wonder where they could've gone… :D

Hmm… that smiley face seemed suspicious… eh, whatever. He continued to scroll down, and then noticed a post from the headmaster.

Dumbledore: Finally got a Facebook! #Swaggalicious #KoolKidz

No one likes this

Comments:

Ron: I'm not even going to comment on the use of hashtags…

Ginny: You just did.

Voldemort: Dumbledore, why haven't you accepted my friend request?

Harry's eyes nearly bugged out of his head when he read the comment by the murderer of his parents, typing up a reply so fast that his fingers blurred.

Well, perhaps that was a bit of an exaggeration. Harry wasn't exactly skilled at typing, so he had to resort to the search-and-peck routine.

Harry: BECAUSE YOU TWO ARE SWORN ENEMIES!

Dumbledore and Voldemort are now friends

Wait. WHAT.

Lucius and 12 others liked this

Harry: WTC

Dumbledore: I have Sims requests to send to people, Harry. I need all the friends I can get.

All of his previous anger melted away, and he nodded in understanding. While Harry viewed the game as a fun pastime, Dumbledore probably had to use it as an escape from the horrible reality of his real life. He was old, ugly, and had no chance at love.

Sometimes he would get caught up in his own mind and forget how pathetic the rest of the world was.

As he continued to scroll past some of the posts (just a bunch of pointless junk; someone lost their shoe, someone got a new haircut, someone gave birth to triplets) when his godfather's most recent message came into view. It always took a second for him to recognize that it was indeed Sirius Black who had posted. Since he was being hunted down and all, it wasn't safe for him to explicitly show his name on his page. That would just be stupid.

IM-NOT-Sirius: I just pooped on Voldemort's front lawn!

Harry and 257 others liked this

Comments:

Voldemort: I WILL GET YOU

Peter: That's just sick, man.

IM-NOT-Sirius: Hey, I'm an animagus, alright? I turn into a dog. It's not like I pooped in human form.

Lucius: Hmm… just like Sirius Black, the Azkaban escapee…

Harry was too busy laughing hysterically to really care about the fact that his godfather could very soon be captured and sent away to Azkaban. Pooping on Voldemort's front lawn was a perfect way to avenge the death of his parents!

IM-NOT-Sirius: SHUT UP MALFOY

Lucius: How did you know my last name?

Voldemort: Gosh, Lucius, you're so stupid. This guy is obviously not Sirius Black; haven't you read his username?

Peter: And this is Facebook. He could just go to your profile to get your last name.

Lucius: You guys can't be serious…

Voldemort: Oh, now you think that we're Sirius? You know us, man!

Lucius: No, not Sirius! Serious!

Peter: I don't see a difference, here.

Lucius: For heaven's sake…

Harry finished reading the last comment, slightly confused by the accusations that had been made, and shut down his laptop.

He could just figure it out tomorrow.

A/N: Thanks for reading! If you want me to include more of a certain character or have ideas for future chapters, please let me know!

By the way, the part about Dumbledore and the Sims requests was inspired by this picture: clubs/harry-potter-vs-twilight/images/14799851/title/farmville-much-photo

~Hastalapasta