2: Adolescence's Strong Divide
2185, December 23, 7:05 PM
"Never seen a more festive young lad,"
My body crumbled helplessly against the ground, reeling pitifully against the wooden planks below me.
"'Already been arrested three times this December,"
A low, bellowing laugh escaped the police guard's lips.
"Again?" My mother said, focusing her accusatory eyes at me.
"Yeah," He jerked the half broken cigar out of his mouth, tapping the rear end against the knee of his pants. Although I'd only known the imperious braggart of a police officer from the times he'd escorted me home, I could tell he had no regard for the smoke-free cigars, or the more predictable nicotine patches which had grown exponentially in use over the past few years. It seemed his desire to demonstrate his high moral standing was off-set by his tobacco addiction.
"Little punk was whacking a storage truck outside of town with a lead pipe. Real cheeky of him to think he could get away with that,"
"Is anyone going to press charges?" I was surprised to hear the edge in my mom's voice when she spoke. I considered whether she was just losing her temper, or if she was irritated by the man's arrogant behavior.
"No, they weren't willing to prosecute the little animal," I glared tensely into his eyes. "Not in the middle of the Christmas season. He's lucky they ain't heartless mother-hating reprobates like him."
He was about to start cackling again when a high-pitched warning sound blared from a portable communicator on his belt. Groaning, he thrust the device up to his ear.
"Yeah… Alright,"
He silenced the communicator.
"I gotta go. Somethin' going down at a shuttle landing site not far from here,"
He bent down to meet my eyes.
"I expect you to keep him out of trouble, ma'am."
He lowered his dark blue cap above his eyes, and slammed the door. My mother placed her hands on her hips, and stared straight into my soul.
"Really, Shinya? Two days before Christmas? Really?"
Fourteen hadn't exactly been a great year for me. My first year of high school, and I'd felt lost from the first day. My greater level of intelligence was no longer a factor I could say I held above other people.
After a couple of days of letting life take its course, I had enough.
I stopped attending classes entirely.
Of course, what made such behavior even more concerning was what I did in my spare time. I'd gotten myself involved in gang violence, and was frequently committing petty crimes to earn my respect in their ludicrously determined hierarchy. There were times I was able to escape without getting caught, there were times I didn't. However, there were other, less bearable times where I was forced to face with the responsibility of what I'd done.
I don't think I need to explain that this was one of those times.
"So?"
I stubbornly kicked the door behind me, and plopped my body into the front chair at the kitchen table.
"I have a right to do what I wanna do."
"Do you realize how upset your father would be if he found out about this?" She tightened her fist. "Ever since you started high school, you haven't cared about anyone but yourself."
My mother had been a more congenial person until she found out about what I'd been doing. Because of my doggedness, I had eliminated some of her deeper sympathies, replacing them with anxieties of my own making.
She was still kind, of course. She just didn't show that kindness much in front of me.
"You don't get what high school's like, do you?" I slid my chair away from the table. "Life's tough these days. Everybody's scraping to be at the top of the pack. If you can't get up there with 'em, you have to take what you can get."
"What happened to you?"
She said, her voice straining to stay quiet.
"What happened to you?"
"I'm still the same person,"
"No, only in the most meaningless sense of the word," She leaned her right hand on the counter top a few yards in front of the table. "You never tell us anything anymore. You spend your afternoons, evenings and probably mornings hanging out with those reprobates, getting yourselves into trouble all the time. You never spend any time with the family, and you don't even spend any time with your sister—"
"I love my sister!"
I slammed my hands against the table, rattling the wood inside.
"Don't ever doubt that!"
Unsurprisingly, my mom was taken aback by my rather forceful retort. Sighing, she placed her hand on her forehead, clearly exhausted with the whole thing.
"I don't,"
My anger retreated slightly.
"I don't doubt you love your sister. I don't even doubt you love your father and I."
My eyes followed her as she walked across the floor.
"It's just… I want the boy who cared about his life back in my home."
My mother had recited a similar speech to me several times before. She made sure to alter it every so often so I wouldn't feel the pain of being lectured as much, but it never worked for me. I was the type of person who took more pain from implications rather than words alone. Since her implications were always the same, the pain always hit just as hard.
I jerked my front bangs angrily.
"I…I'm sorry, here I go again," A frown crossed her face. "I've been trying too hard to reach you with something I know you won't listen to anyhow."
"It's not because it's you," I explained as calmly as I could. "The reason I'm so upset is because you never take the time to listen-"
"I know what's been happening at school, Itou. The teachers told us right after we found out you had been cutting classes."
That doesn't tell you anything. I shook my head defiantly. They won't tell you the truth.
"If you had told us sooner, we might have been able to help-"
"How?"
I yelled, standing up from that quaint little table once again.
"How were you supposed to help me?"
Once again, my mother was left speechless. Our psychological duel had ended.
I say 'ended' because it never felt good to 'win'.
Cursing under my breath, I dashed away from the kitchen down the hallway leading to my bedroom. My loud footsteps were more than likely to attract my father's attention, but I didn't really care if he woke up. If anything, the shades of black blanketing the walls with uncertainty bothered me more.
As soon as he heard about what happened, my dad had tried to be reasonable with me. Through both a sympathetic and down-to-earth attitude, he'd tried to explain why my actions were wrong. Although we'd talked almost ten times a week after my behavior started, he soon grew tired of fighting. Eventually, work took up more of his time, and he never felt he had the time to speak anymore.
I felt sympathy for his position. There were times I'd secretly admit that I knew what I was doing was wrong.
But I was uncoordinated. I couldn't find a reason to face up to my actions, nor could I see a reason in endure being the victim of lion tamers' acts.
So lately, whenever such conversations arose, I'd always end up running away.
I was planning to run all the way to my room, but an opening door to my right side stopped me in my tracks.
My sister was always looking for a reason to stay awake. Ever since she'd started fifth grade, she'd felt a firm obligation to stay awake longer than anyone else in her class did. In that way, I ascertained she was painfully immature.
And, of course, she was just as loud.
"What are you-?!"
"Shhh,"
Well, before correction that is.
"What are you doing up so late?" She said, enunciating each word in the statement.
"It doesn't matter," I said.
"You got in trouble with the po-lice again, didn't ya?"
"That's none of your business," I growled under my breath.
"Don't try to hide it from me," She smirked evilly. "If you have something you wanna talk about, you can talk."
I glared at her, the amoral deficiency in my eyes noticeable thanks to the light. "Don't even think about it,"
I twisted the doorknob behind me, and slipped into my room.
"Hey, hey wait,"
My fist tightened the knob so hard, I heard it squeal. "What?"
"I wanna know,"
"I'm sick; a disease that needs to die. What more do you wanna know?"
"Don't say that!" She raised her voice. "If I hear you say that again, you'll regret it."
I sighed, letting my eyes close. I released the door knob, and quietly strode towards her direction.
"Why does it matter if I die?" I narrowed my now open eyes.
"Because you're my brother,"
She sneered.
"And I love you,"
I frowned. The orange light in the background, somewhat appropriate for the mood revealed that I'd lost my scowl. My eyes showed a conciliatory gaze of hopelessness.
I stared at her seriously.
"You need to stop relying on me one of these days."
"Idiot,"
She kicked her foot against the door.
"Alright. Go on,"
I leaned my back against the hallway. She, meanwhile, was standing slightly away from the right border of the doorway, glancing over at me as if she held some type of authority over me.
"Why did you start acting weird?"
I groaned.
"Answer the question,"
I didn't bother glaring at her. It would have been hard for her to see my face in the dark anyways.
"I wasn't ready to be a teenager,"
A childish beginning, I never thought I'd end up telling her about my problems. As a matter of fact, I was under the equally juvenile impression that I would continue my way of living without any roadblocks at all.
I never expected to be turning to her again.
"All of my life… I knew exactly where I was headed. I mean, I'm the smart kid. I learned about my surrounding as soon as I could in elementary and middle school. When I got to high school, I wasn't ready to face a hostile environment. I… I wasn't ready to deal with everybody hating me."
I paused, taking a chance to sweep my overgrown bangs out of my eyes.
"So, when it happened, and I didn't know what to do, I was desperate. I'd been above other people before, but I'd never been beneath them. I always knew what I was doing, one way or another. When there was no one who truly respected me… I turned desperate to find someone who would."
I placed my head back against the wall. "That's why I started hanging out with the bad guys. It earned me a little bit of money from time to time, and I never had to worry about not being able to earn respect. They wouldn't bat an eye as long as I did what I was told. I never thought about how long I might be doing it, I never thought about how long I'd be missing school. I…"
I turned away from her.
"I never thought I'd be so stupid."
Dead air. A static ringing in my ears was all that kept me awake. My sister didn't make any noise to show she was awake.
My story was done. She had nothing to say.
"What am I doing?'
Her head shifted.
"I'm heading to bed. If mom and dad wake up, tell them I was throwing a fit. They'll understand."
I slipped down the hallway back towards my door. I opened the door, and walked inside. She was inside her room, but her door hadn't closed.
I faced her from across the hall.
"You have nothing to say? You aren't gonna complain that I'm a loser, or call me an idiot? You aren't gonna tell me why I'm wrong?"
Her eyebrows creased as she stared into my eyes.
"You know what's right,"
I snorted indifferently. "Yeah, I guess I do."
I started to close the door.
"Shinya?"
I tightened my grip on the door.
"What?"
"Don't die like you said you would… Promise?"
I smirked slightly before closing the door.
