The Void in Our Lives
Chapter II: Not Letting Go.
"I know."
"How have you been?" the Professor asked. Karah put the book down to look at him.
"Okay, I guess… Just a bit behind on college stuff, but I'm working on it," she tried to lie, but the Professor just remained silent. "Really behind, okay? But I'll get it done, don't worry."
"I always worry about you, Karah," he stated in his usual calm manner.
"You don't need to."
"I'd worry less if you came back home," Charles Xavier paused, "My offer still stands."
"I'm not cut out to be a teacher, Professor." The idea seemed quite absurd to her. "Jean was good at that… but it's one thing I didn't get from her."
"Maybe you are more like her than you can imagine…"
"No, Professor," Karah's tone was cold now, "If I was more like her, I would've taken her out of that lake. I wouldn't have let her die."
"You know Jean wanted you to move on, Karah. She told you that."
"It was easy for her to say it. I got left behind again."
The Professor remained silent while she hid her face in her hands, trying hard not to cry. How could she do it? How could she abandon her over something that shouldn't have happened in the first place?
Karah finally took a deep breath and stared at the wall for a while.
"I don't even know why I'm here."
"Because this is your home. You know you'll always have a place here," Xavier had this enormous patience with her and she was grateful for it.
"Thank you, Professor. You don't deserve half of what I throw at you."
"We need you, Karah. Scott needs you," he insisted. Scott. She couldn't stand to see him suffer, not when she knew Jean's secret and kept it from him. In the end, what good would it do for him to know? It didn't matter anymore.
"I know I have to see him, but… I can't deal with it. I can't see someone suffering as much as I am, especially –" she suddenly stopped. No, she couldn't do it. She couldn't taint her mother's memory, not even to Professor Xavier, the most understanding person she knew.
"You will have to face him eventually."
It had been a while since she had last ventured further into the mansion; in fact, she hadn't done so since she had packed her bags and left the school, too hurt to stay. She definitely hadn't stepped into her mother's office since her passing and she wasn't keen on doing it now, but she knew that's where she would find him.
The door was closed and Karah searched inside herself for the strength to face the man on the other side.
"Scott," she reached out to him. When she opened the door, she found he hadn't even turned away from the window. "You really don't want to see me, huh?"
"I'm sorry," Scott broke his silence, facing Karah. He had lost weight and seemed to have aged a thousand years since she had last seen him. She simply walked up to him and hugged him, knowing he was the closest to understanding her pain. He also held her tightly; the only living reminder there was of Jean Grey.
"How are you?" he then asked, releasing her.
"As well as I can be… How about you?"
"Same… Nothing new happening," he gestured for her to sit down. "I haven't heard from you in a while. How's college?"
"Well, not great. In fact, I think I'm gonna quit."
"What do you mean, quit? What's wrong?" Scott actually worried about her like a father would and it made it even harder for her to be near him.
"I don't know… I don't feel… I'm not interested. I feel like I'm wasting my time," she answered, sighing.
"Maybe you just need a break. Why don't you come home and take some time to think about it?"
"I can't come back. I don't want to be a teacher or part of the X-Men or anything everyone expects me to be just because I'm Jean Grey's daughter. I'm not her and I'll never be, Scott," she snapped.
"No one's asking you that to be like her, Karah," Scott wasn't angry or even surprised at her unsettling reaction. "I just want you to be okay. I'll support you no matter what you do, but I don't want you to regret anything."
"I know, I'm sorry," she felt guilty, "I don't know why I said that. It's just so hard to do everything… I feel she wouldn't be very proud of me right now."
"If there's one thing I know she'd be is proud of you," he embraced her again and, for a moment, Karah felt she had a family again.
She promised Scott she'd make an effort to focus on her studies and then decide what to do when the semester was over. She managed to be on time on Monday morning for class, but struggled to pay attention; Psychology 101 wasn't exactly appealing when you could actually get inside someone's head and she made a note to return to her meditation sessions, as it would help her clear her mind and just pass her exams on something so basic.
Having no social life at college meant she quickly left the campus as soon as her lectures were over; the well-known fact that she was a mutant didn't open many doors to societies, study groups or parties. In fact, she knew she had been neglecting her friends from Xavier's school, the ones that really mattered, but she just couldn't bring herself to call them. Kitty never let go, though, as she was always calling and texting just to check Karah was still breathing (her words). Shadowcat, as she had been nicknamed, just wanted her to know she was there when and if she needed her.
It was raining heavily again and she was completely wet when she reached her apartment, only to see him leaning against the wall waiting for her.
"No, I can't deal with you today," Karah stated coldly, taking the keys out of her bag and opening the door.
"I've been calling you all weekend," John ignored her statement.
"And I've avoided your calls all weekend. What does that tell you?" she didn't expect an answer as she entered the apartment. He followed her before she could slam the door in his face.
"Why are you still doing this?"
"This really has to stop, John. It's crazy this… this thing we do," she said, "We're not together anymore."
"I never broke up with you," he replied, gently grabbing her from behind as she looked in her bag for her phone, "and I don't remember you breaking up with me."
"You did break up with me when you joined the bad guys," she stated, turning around. He kept his arms around her. "I can't forgive you, John, and you need to let me go."
He just looked at her for a second before kissing her. She didn't pull away and he knew she wouldn't try.
"You should go now," Karah said when they parted, but she didn't mean it. Damn it, she knew it was happening again and she was weak.
"Yeah, let's go," was all he said before he kissed her again.
