Chapter Note:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Stephenie Meyer). The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
I must start with an apology and extend my thanks to the great people who helped me.
The apology is to you my wonderful readers who reviewed and bookmarked this story and then didn't get an update in over a month. I hate when authors give excuses; HOWEVER, I have a good excuse. It was not that real life got in the way but rather I had some Beta drama. To make amends ( ) I decided against splitting this into two chapters and just sending you one REALLY long one (19 pgs) I hope you like it.
Now to the thank you list, first up is my fabulous twilighted validation beta Tima83, who did the first proofreading of this chapter when she didn't have to, it meant a lot. Once again thank you Tima83. I also have to thank the good betas at Project Team Beta for taking this story on. I especially want to thank imcarriej and AzureEyedI for giving some great advice and for polishing this chapter.
Ch 2 C POV
I was sitting in my office pretending to read, but really I was waiting for Edward. Alice told me that she 'saw' that he needed to speak to me and that it would be this morning. My daughter refused to tell me what it was about. She insisted that some things were better when they happened in the moment, and I pointed out how ironic this was coming from her. I may tease her second sight, but I do rely on Alice, and I don't know how we got along without her, or Jasper for that matter. It was not just her gift that made Alice dear to me; it was her exuberance for life. It was the fact that she took pleasure in the little things, though with Alice the smaller the bag, the higher the price tag. The past few months Alice was not herself and I know that is why she went to Volterra. It was as much for her and Jasper as it was for Edward and Bella.
Edward and Bella…I had not worried about two people more in my entire existence than I did these two in the last few months. It was because of this worry that I didn't go back to work at Forks hospital right away. Well, really it was all because of Alice, who hinted that the family would need me. I decided to wait a week, see how things progressed, get Edward and Alice re-enrolled in school, and see how Bella adjusted to it all. I was worried about her developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after all that happened in Italy. I mean, she did come and make us vote on her mortality, as if we ever would not want her with us. It was never my choice to leave her behind. I guess I do bear some resentment towards Edward. I love him, but I look at Bella and how frail she is now and I just cannot help have some lingering resentment. Another reason why I was angry with my son was because of the state he left her in, all the dangerous activities she undertook just to hear his voice. I was lucky that Alice told me to go outside because I listened to their conversation and then snuck back into the house before Edward noticed I was out there; since he never would have told me what they discussed. I have never been a believer of using violence to solve one's problems, but no matter how cultured I am- I am still a man of my time; if it would make one iota of difference to him, I would shake some sense into my son. However, I believe he will make amends eventually, with eventually being the operative world. I know we have an eternity together but he sure is taking his sweet time in speaking to us. He has been back for four days, and has not spoken to any member of this family outside of Bella's company. He was remorseful at the airport, and then spoke to us at the vote, but beyond that- silence. He spends his nights and designated visiting hours with Bella, and the rest of the time he hides in the forest or his room.
I miss him. I miss debating with him, not the fighting and arguing we have done lately, but our philosophical discussions. I love my wife and all my children, but Edward is special to me. He was the first one; he was the one who ended my loneliness. Beyond that, I am nagged by the promise I made to Elizabeth Masen to take care of her only son. He was her entire world, her hope and joy. I had to watch him slowly slipping away day by day, before he left to track Victoria. He was not just a shell of the happy boy who loved Bella, but even of the self-loathing intellectual he was before. I miss my son; I want him back in my life, not just ghosting around the house.
God, give me a way to help my son, Edward. I know he is not perfect, but I know something is wrong, and I ask you for the strength and compassion to help him through it.
I was sitting in silence mulling over my plea to God, when I heard a soft knock on my study door. This was unnecessary as I could smell Edward and hear him as he approached up the hall, but I appreciated the show of respect nonetheless.
Come in, Edward,I thought.
I treasured our silent communications; we were so good at it after all these years that it was second nature. In this case, my reasons were twofold for communicating by these means; first, it would allow him to see my intentions. I know he has a predilection for flying off the handle and being over dramatic, and allowing him to see into my head would hinder any chance of a misunderstanding. The second reason was that no matter what Edward had to tell me, I wanted to keep as much as we could between us. The boys tend to mock each other mercilessly, and I have a feeling that Emmett is itching to get some dirt on Edward to make him pay for the trauma we endured.
"Thank you, Carlisle" Edward said. I had not realized that I had so thoroughly thought through my choice and that he knew my motivation. His response also highlighted that he understood that I was right on both accounts. If this were a different time in our relationship, I would mention that I was marking that date, as Edward never admitted someone else was right. My son then gave me a half-hearted fleeting smile and a joyless chuckle; again I didn't hide my thoughts well.
"Carlisle, could we go for a quick hunt? I really need to talk to you and I don't want the others to overhear," he pleaded.
Whatever you need son. I take it this is about Bella and other recent events? I thought. I was trying hard to remain calm, as if I were a counselor to him, not a parent. I had to walk the line between being the hurt parent and confident, as I knew that outside of Bella and Alice, I was the only one Edward had ever really opened up to. No matter what I felt, I understood that he needed me to listen to him. It didn't mean I would keep things professional the entire time, but I would try to hear him out first.
"Yes, in part," he replied slowly, and looked down, ashamed of himself. His guilt chewed at me.
Let's go. There is much we need to discuss. I have given you time, but I think there are important things that warrant being said. I just want you to know that I love you and I will try to understand, son, no matter what you need to say. Know that this will be kept between us.
After I thought this, he looked like he was being burned alive. This was what he must have looked like when Jane was using her power on him, as Alice said. I had seen Jane use her gift on people during my time with the Volturri, and this was that look. My heart broke because some simple show of kindness, someone trying to lessen his burden, physically pained him. I would have to help free him of whatever was literally eating him alive. I was careful and guarded these thoughts from him. I had realized long ago that a vampire brain can think of many things at once, and if you were as old as I was and lived with a mind reader, one concentrated they could hide portions of my thoughts.
He nodded at me, not looking me in the eye and then turned and started walking briskly down the hall. As I followed, I saw him pass Esme. Esme, my soul mate, looked concerned and fearful—a look that had been permanently etched onto her gorgeous face for months. His treatment of her caused me more pain than the fact that he had abandoned me as well. He had so much to atone for; he had deeply wounded everyone who loved him. When we made eye contact, I saw the sheer panic in her eyes. She thought he was leaving. She thought I was following him, as I had months ago, to try and convince him to stay.
"Darling, Edward and I are going for a quick hunt," I explained carefully while I looked deep into her eyes. I was trying to show her how calm I was and that things were ok. I didn't say it aloud as I didn't want to give Edward any ideas. Even so I could see her thoughts written all over her face. She had confided in me last night when he was gone, that every time he left the house she now wondered if it would be the last time she saw him. Would he leave Bella and the family again? Would she be permitted to see Bella? Would this separation kill her? Would he truly follow if Bella died? Could she survive losing two more children? These were the thoughts of my beloved wife, and it caused me deep emotional distress to know one of my children, the one who is supposed to be the rational one (God help us all), did this. I had tried to allay her fears last night, but apparently she would need it to come from him, her prodigal son, for the words to mean anything.
She must have thought these questions because I heard Edward mutter a barely audible and pained, "Don't worry, I will return". Just as he had done when speaking to me, he did not look her in the eye, as if he were not allowed to. Now that I think of it, he had not looked at any of us directly since his return, unless Bella was at his side. I take it that making her feel at ease was his concern, so he acted relatively normal when she was here, but his shame must be too great and his self-esteem too low to think he deserved to look at anyone like his equal. After muttering that simple phrase, he ran down the hallway and out of the house as fast as he could. I was left to soothe Esme.
"Darling, he finally wants to talk to me. As far as I know nothing has changed, and he is not going anywhere," I said as I pulled her into my arms. She was so tense.
"Carl, intellectually I know he would not leave Bella again. But something is wrong; a mother just knows these things. I see the toll all this has taken on him. When he came back, it was as if a weight had been lifted off him and then something happened after that. I'm sure of it," she replied as she inhaled my scent deeply, and I felt her relax a little.
"I know; I'm going to get to the bottom of this and hopefully soon. I love you." With these words, I kissed her and let go.
"I love you too Carl. Now go and help our boy." She looked hopeful; this was something I had missed greatly.
I left the house and found his scent on one of our well-worn trails. I ran as fast as I could, hoping he had stopped already so I had a chance of catching up to him soon.
I followed the trail until I heard him. I stopped and listened to the sound of my son being emotionally torn apart. I approached slowly saying nothing. There he lay, curled into the fetal position on the floor in front of a boulder, miles away from our home so no one but me would hear his dry sobs.
My jaw dropped. This was a position we had all found Edward in, during the time he was with us and without Bella. He would curl up like this in his room every chance he had, mostly for days or weeks on end. If we forced him to hunt, he would oblige maybe once a month and near the end of the trip, whoever brought him would find him just like this. Things had to be terrible for him, if my strong and stoic Edward crumpled in this way.
I called his name aloud with all the compassion I could muster. He did not respond.
I called him in my mind, and still no reaction.
I tried alternating between these two methods, always ensuring my tone was full of kindness. I wanted him to feel safe and loved. I would not touch him, as I did not want to scare or startle him. However, even I have my breaking point and after fifteen minutes I screamed mentally and verbally, "EDWARD! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!" I had never spoken to him in a way that was less than supportive during this entire ordeal. I disagreed, I gave counterpoints and debated, but in the end, I was always supportive of his choices. I hated myself for my tone; it was so cold and detached. There was disappointment and venom laced in it, and when I looked at him, quite frankly, he seemed afraid of me.
My words did have their desired effect as he quickly collected himself, stood, and brushed himself off. But he could still not bear to look me in the eyes. He simply stared at his feet. If he continued on this way much longer, I was going to rip his feet off and not re-attach them until he looked me in the eye. I hated this 'I'm not worthy' attitude.
Edward, I'm sorry for taking that tone with you son, but I have been calling you mentally and verbally for a few minutes. Every time I called your name, all you did was sob louder. This is not constructive; it helps no one. Now, tell me right now why you are so upset, when you should be overjoyed that Bella is back in your life. She is safe, happy, and has forgiven you.
He stole a quick glace at me, before returning to his now favorite downward gaze.
Edward took an unnecessary steadying breath and pinched the bridge of nose. That was when I knew that this was must be far worse than I originally anticipated.
"Carlisle, I want to start by apologizing. I'm sorry I am such a miserable excuse for a son." I tried to interject but he waved me off. "Let me finish!" he snapped. I had a feeling this outburst had everything to do with pent up hostility and nothing to do with me…it could not all be directed inwards. I would have to tread carefully to get the full story.
"I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to yell at you. See, poor excuse for a son." He gave me a weak smile and ran his hand though his unruly hair. "I am sorry I forced us to leave Forks. I am sorry I withdrew into myself and was so difficult to live with. I'm sorry I fled from you and our family when I was too much of a coward to face the pain I was causing everyone. I'm sorry I did it under the guise of tracking Victoria because I did an atrocious job of it, and that bitch is still out there somewhere. I'm sorry I ever traveled to Italy. I'm sorry I tried to have myself killed. I'm sorry I put Alice in danger. For these and for the countless other egregious sins I committed over the past few months, I am truly sorry. Please know that I do not deserve nor expect your forgiveness or understanding. I just want you to recognize how remorseful I am." As he finished speaking his voice was breaking up and thick with self-loathing.
I fought the urge to wrap my arms around him or cradle like a human parent would a toddler. Edward didn't need that; I tried that after our exile from Forks. Now was the time for a little tough love; in my book that just meant trying to maintain my composure and not breaking down myself.
Edward, you're my son in every way that counts. I will always love and forgive you. But thank you for saying all of that; it means a lot that you understand that what you did was wrong. However, I am not that only one that was hurt by your actions. I may be the head of this family but I will not speak on their behalf. I must insist that you speak to each of them.
"I'll talk to everyone individually later to atone for what I did; I had already planned on it after I saw the look on Esme's face in the hall." He sighed.
I think they would appreciate it very much, especially Esme and Alice. This might be hard to hear, but before you speak to them you need to understand a little of the impact your behavior had on them. Again, I will not speak for them nor tell you things that they would want to share with you themselves, but nonetheless you need to know. It nearly killed Esme and Alice to leave Forks, and when they thought Bella was...gone, then you were in Italy….it was too much. Alice was in such a bad place Jasper could barely force himself to stay in the same room with her, but he had to because she needed him. Esme was inconsolable. I felt useless. Rose was so angry; she spent days at a time curled up with Esme trying to soothe her. Emmett missed you both dearly and had to deal with Rose's ranting about all you did to this family. I only tell you this, not to punish you but because you need to understand that Bella is one of us now. When you took her from us and then left, we fell apart. It was those callous actions which ripped us apart in seconds, but it will take some time in order to make things right again.
He nodded. The look on his face told me that he was too ashamed to do anything else.
So what is on your mind, son? You said it was about Bella. Is she all right? What is wrong?
What I meant was, what had he done to the poor girl now? I know this sounds insensitive, but from all I heard she was completely and utterly devastated and bereft when he left her. When I look at her, I see how frail she has become. The poor dear obviously didn't take care of herself after our departure. I really felt for Charlie Swan; I knew what it was like to watch your child give up on living and try to disappear before your very eyes.
"Oh, Carlisle," he sobbed, "she hates me!" And with that, he crumpled to the floor of the forest once again.
Edward, she does not hate you! I admonished him; this was by far the most unbelievable thing I have ever heard. I have heard her say everything to contrary. She had us go through with that preposterous vote because she chose us as a family and you as her mate and wanted us to have that same choice. As if we would ever not want her around. I scoffed at the thought. I wanted to remind him Bella was a Cullen and always had been in my heart.
She is my daughter now and always, I will not have her spoken about like that, take her at her word. Her love for you is as strong and pure as any of the mated pairs in this family and to say anything to the contrary after what she did for you is blasphemous,I scolded.
We love her, son; she completes our family and not just because of the joy she brings to your life but because of what she gives each of us. She is Alice's best friend and allowed her to feel connected to a humanity she never knew. For Emmett she is the little sister he adores and can joke around with. For him, Alice's gift negates what he sees as his brotherly duty. For Rose… well, that really remains to be seen, but from what I can observe, she is forcing Rose to notice that this life can be fulfilling and does not have be bitter and empty. For Jasper, she forgave him and that allowed him to make some peace with what he has struggled with. Also, she has saved him from always being Alice's guinea pig so that right there makes him love her… very much! I gave a little mental chuckle and Edward rewarded me with the weakest smile I have ever gazed upon.
For Esme, she is truly a child. She still misses her biological son, after all these years and Bella allows her to use her mothering instincts that have long been dormant and that none of you really ever needed. For me, she brings me peace as well, Edward, and not because of you directly. I still feel tremendous guilt over changing you and Rose. The trouble you both have had with what you are is difficult for me. Bella makes me see that joy truly does exist for our kind. She reaffirms my belief that we have a soul and if we try to be good people, then we truly can find a place in heaven. And for you Edward, she made you look beyond yourself. You have always been so reserved, angst ridden, over analytical and reflective, as Jasper and Emmett say, 'emo', and she brings you out of that. She brings you true love, pure unadulterated joy, peace, and soothes your soul. So, no, Edward, I do not believe that Bella could ever hate you. I do believe, though, that you hurt her deeply and have to work to deserve her trust again. So because of what she means to all of us and to you, you should not say such things about her.
"S-s-she t-told me s-she h-hates me, Carlisle," he said between sobs still curled on the floor.
Edward, I love you, but you tend to exaggerate and overreact. So if you would like my counsel on this matter you have to try and stop sobbing and tell me exactly what happened.
I prayed he would stop crying soon. It cut me to my core to see the huddled mass that was my brilliant and talented son on the floor of the forest rocking back and forth in the fetal position sobbing tearlessly. Crying was not a cathartic release for our kind. He needed to stop it and deal with his problems head on. If he were trying to make amends, this was where it was starting.
"In her sleep the last three nights she told me as much. The first night it was, 'Edward, I don't trust you. You broke me.' Night two it was my name followed by 'bastard' and 'how could you?' I-I was willing to leave it alone and never say anything to anyone ever, but then what she said last nearly killed me," he sobbed. "I have not felt that kind of despair since I lied and left her in the woods. She said, 'I hate you, Edward' and then 'Y-y-you nearly killed me, are you happy?' I thought about telling you, Carlisle, and then I decided not to and I would just prove my love to her. Then Alice intervened. She texted me to say if I left it alone, I would lose Bella forever, a-and I cannot do that. I have to have her in my life, as selfish and unworthy as I am," he continued to sob after he stopped speaking. While he was still shaking while blubbering on the forest floor, I lowered myself onto the ground next to him, sat him up, and embraced him in a sign of solidarity and fatherly support. I was glad that he opened up to me; his behavior, though still unacceptable, now made perfect sense. Well, it made perfect sense if you understood that Edward's nature was to heap blame on himself and never deal with such issues head on.
I'm so sorry. But you have to understand, from what Alice told me Bella has been through, as Charlie put it 'she turned into a zombie' after you left. It was horrible for her. It'll take time son. But I do think you need to discuss this with Bella and not me.
"I can't. I know her too well, or at least I did, and she would just be embarrassed and then blame herself. She has welcomed me back with open arms, and I don't want to make her feel worse." He stopped his 'crying' and but his voice was barely above a whisper.
That is because she is scared, Edward. The girl sounds petrified that if she lets you know she is angry with you, you will leave her again. You need to make her feel safe, loved, and wanted Edward. You need to tell her you love and trust her and that she needs to express these fears to you, so the two of you can move forward together.
"How do I do that, Carlisle? I didn't tell you but when I was gone, she started doing dangerous things so that she could remember me more clearly. She said that she would ride a motorcycle and she dove off that damn cliff because she would hear my voice telling her not to endanger her life. I was hurt by that, not because she was doing something reckless, which it was, but because she remembered me being stern and overprotective, not loving. I need to change that; I just worry what it might drive her to do."
I did know that. Alice told us everything Charlie told her and what Bella told her before they left for Italy. The night the three of you returned, Alice told me to go outside; she insisted it was important; I overheard the entire conversation. I have been married a very long time, and I know these things; you need to communicate. You need to make her feel safe and loved. Do something special for her and broach the subject with the utmost sensitivity.
"Ok, Carlisle, I'll try." He had a determined look in his eye.
That is all you can do, son. Now, let's go hunt. You have not eaten well in a long time. I can see that easily and I am worried about you too. There are not many suicidal vampires out there. Edward, I know why, but would you humor me with your rationale? I won't even interrupt until you're finished.
"I had nothing left. I had isolated myself from my loving family and thoroughly angered and alienated them. I had abandoned the only love I would ever know, or would come to know. The only thing that kept me going at all was that all this was for her. My staying away was for her, my tracking Victoria was for her safety. Even keeping you away from her kept her safe. As long as she lived, I could exist. I would not leave her alone in the world. There was a chance she would need me one day, and I just might have been there. Then I thought she…was gone from this world. She was the light of my life, she accepted me for who and what I was unconditionally, and without her I was left in a world where I was alone. It was dark in my world and all I had was self-loathing. I never felt more alone. I was in South America and Rosalie was the one who called me. ROSALIE, Carlisle, Rose. It seemed like everyone had given up on me, and she pleaded with me to return home because Bella was dead. It seemed like the call was made out of obligation. I had no reason to live; I had already caused the family so much pain, and I didn't want to be a burden. There was also the very slight possibility that somehow I might be permitted to see Bella, even fleetingly, in the afterlife. I was so alone, I decided to take my chance. I had no reason to go on," he said simply.
If I could have, I would have been weeping, to hear my son explain that he was so lost and that I had let him get to that point. I had always believed that Edward thought through things rationally, so I let him make his own decisions. Perhaps if I had gone with him to South America… I had to stop thinking like that or I would become like him.
Son, I'm so sorry you felt so alone and hopeless.
"Carlisle, I don't blame you. You did your best. I pushed and pushed. And finally when you would not just leave me be, I ran away in the middle of the night under the guise of hunting and only checked in days later to tell you where I was. This is on me. What I know now is that I'll never do that again. I have a reason to live and I will fight for it tooth and nail," he explained.
And what if things don't work out? It was a horrible question to ask, and I knew it was not likely that Edward and Bella would break-up, but I needed to know just in case.
"I'll never leave her again. She could tell me to leave, but I won't stay away again. And no this is not about me stalking her; I just believe that as long as I can see her safe and happy, I will be fine. Hurt? Yes, but I will be able to function. You have my word that I will never pull another stunt like that again. If she chose to stay human and died…I don't know what I would do. I hope I would be able to go on living for her. She looked shattered that I would harm myself in her name. I think no matter what, this has taught me a lot about how I see the world. As always, thank you for your counsel," he replied in earnest.
Anytime, Edward, anytime. Please never doubt that would I prefer it if you would come to me when you are in need of counsel or advice and don't just set your mind to something and act. No matter how trivial, I promise to listen and try to steer you in the right direction and not impose my will on you. I love you, Edward, but my God, you make poor choices on your own, son. Do we have a deal?
"Okay," he agreed and went to shake my hand. As he moved to do so, two things happened at once. First, he looked me in the eye and held eye contact. The second was that I pulled him into a much-needed hug. Which of us needed it more, I did not know.
After a moment, we broke apart and went off in the direction of our prey.
End Notes
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