Painful Reflections (Gin)

The horror and pain in Izuru's eyes and face was visible even across the space. He was seriously freaking out. I thought about it for a moment. Why the hell did I come here anyway? I tried to remember. Oh, right, I wasn't really thinking where I was going at that time. I just opened the gate, somehow (I didn't even remember how), stepped through and I knew where I was at once, recognizing the place. I thought about opening the gate once more and trying to get to the living world, which was my first intention, at least I thought so. However, when I lifted my hand to the gate again, I felt it flutter and disappear. Great, just great. What now? A shinigami that will see me and raise the alarm? Suuuure, I could feel the reiatsu just now. This was perfect, couldn't be better. I tried to open the gate again, but my energy was almost gone, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to hold it long enough to get through it. IF I was ever going to open that damn thing! I was furious, I knew I was in no shape to put up a real fight, what with my zanpakutou missing, and somehow the idea of being caught didn't really appeal to me. I was only well aware of how my status changed here. I was no longer the captain, I was a traitor. A well-known traitor at that. I might as well put a "kill me" sign on my forehead AND my back, just in case.

I growled and tried to concentrate harder on the reiatsu that came from the clearing. It was strong. Not as strong as captain's, but vice-captain's most probably. I could feel it was familiar. Too familiar actually. I took a step forward, almost involuntarily as if something was drawing me to it. I couldn't stop my feet as they took another step. And then I inhaled sharply. I knew this one! Of course, I knew him! Oh, goodness, how could I NOT know? The warmness filled me and before I could stop myself, I was standing on the edge of the clearing. I could see him sleeping uneasily there. Kira Izuru, my former fukutaichou, MY Izuru... I didn't care if something happened to me now. If I only could explain everything to Izuru first, I'd be happy to take any punishment. Well, almost any, I was never a masochist. I tried to turn my back though. Run for it! My brain screamed at me. Leave him alone! I couldn't. My legs wouldn't move. I bit my lip and reached with my reiatsu to him, trying to make him aware of my presence. This was probably the only shot I had; I just had to use it well. All I needed was time enough to make him listen.

He stirred finally and sat up, rubbing his eyes. I would have chuckled if it weren't for the circumstances. Hmm, he was still out of focus. I wandered what dream he had that he couldn't wake himself up for so long. Finally, I could feel him respond to my reiatsu. It was kinda sluggish, as if he wasn't really aware of it yet. I took few more steps forward, making myself visible to him, making myself vulnerable, at his mercy at this moment. I hated it, my whole body shook. Nerves, but mostly the exhaustion. I looked at him warily and met his gaze. I was just about to say "hi" when his expression changed to one of a horror. I was startled at first, but then I realized. Crap. I was a mess. I was suddenly more aware of a fact that I was barely standing, though that won't last much longer if I could count on my instincts at all. Perfect, I was about to pass out right in front of him, in the enemy's world, at the mercy of those I betrayed.

"Izuru..."

I wasn't entirely sure he could hear my whisper, but when I heard myself, I was hoping he didn't. The voice came out harsh and dry as if I was shouting too loud for too long. Well... The blackness was enveloping me and I was thinking about only one thing. Would I be able to still talk to Izuru when I wake up, no doubt behind bars? Would I wake up at all? I made one last attempt to say his name, but I didn't stay conscious enough to know if I was successful. I could hear the scream piercing my ears and cruel laugh. Yes, the unconsciousness wasn't enough to keep the dreams away. Or... Shall I call them memories? Because that's what they really were. Another scream echoed in my head and I could already see what was coming. And the pain in the voice was my pain, because I was the one screaming...

...

"Ah, Gin, come here, I've been waiting for you."

The sound of his voice sickened me. God, how I hated it when he called me by my given name! Wasn't it enough that I had to hear it when we were alone? Why did he have to use it even here where anybody could come and hear us? I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. I knew what was coming in my direction. It wasn't any better that I knew what to expect though. I dragged myself to the chair he was sitting in. A throne indeed. He was sitting there with his arrogant eyes fixed on me. I tried to smile casually, put on the careless facade as always. He could see behind it though. He always could. Damn it, that wasn't fair.

"You called for me, Aizen-sama?"

I grinned, knowing there was some arrancar watching. Judging by the strength, it was Ulquiorra. Well, why should I care?

"Yes, I have. Three hours ago..."

I could here the impatience in his voice. He was pissed off that I didn't come running to him like a good dog. I smiled for real this time. I knew I shouldn't make him angry because it would only make it worse for me later, but I couldn't help it. It has a sweet taste of satisfaction to know I managed to spoil his day for those three hours he's been waiting for me. In some odd twisted way, it felt good.

"... Gin!"

I jerked my head and looked at him again. I realized only now that he was still talking to me. Crap. NOW he was really pissed off.

"Hehe, Aizen-sama, I'm sorry, I just ... lost concentration."

I tried to smile. With no success. The anger was clearly emanating from him now. I was doomed.

"It seems you are forgetting why I am always so good to you, Gin."

He raised an eyebrow, watching my reaction. Good? Hmm, yeah, right. I tried to hide my anger now, not answering him.

"I remember it was YOU who came to me, begging me to take you here."

I took a deep breath, trying to concentrate on the crack in the floor. "Begging"! Who the hell was begging him for that? I remembered the night he came to me, announcing he's setting his plan in motion and that I was part of that plan whether I liked it or not. I knew my carefully set face started to crumble by now, the hate I felt must have shown through finally. I swore to myself long ago that I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me like this. But he played dirty, as always. He was enjoying that play, sick bastard! He was still waiting for some response from me. Getting none, he smiled that twisted smile again.

"Don't you like it here, Gin? Don't you feel safe?"

I heard the stress on the word "safe" and knew he wasn't referring to my personal safety.

"Or would you rather ...?"

He didn't finish his question, leaving the ominous silence finish it for him. I knew what he meant and I heard myself snap.

"You keep your hands off him, Aizen, I am warning you!"

"You're warning ME?"

His eyes mocked me. I struggled to calm down. I knew I shouldn't make it worse for myself, but the threat in his voice just before...

"I am keeping my end of the contract, so you keep yours or..."

I bit my lower lip. It was coming, I knew it. Yet, I couldn't stop myself.

"Or what, Gin?"

His voice was amused. I shuddered at what he was possibly planning for me as a punishment.

"Or the deal's off."

I finished almost whispering. Yes, I was doomed. This won't be like other times when I couldn't keep my mouth shut and I just HAD to push him over the edge. I was such in idiot. Really. Wasn't it bad enough as it was? Hmm, maybe I was masochist, because otherwise there wasn't a normal explanation. Hmm, maybe that was it, maybe I was crazy. I laughed at that thought, forgetting he was still there. That done it.

Aizen rose from his throne, taking one slow step after another as he approached me. I braced myself. He came closer, stopping when he was at arm's reach, and then grabbed the front of my haori, pulling me closer. I could feel his hot breath on my face and jerked away instinctively. Not a good idea. The blow that followed would knock me off my feet if he weren't still holding my front. I felt the blood spurt from my nose, broken already. He leaned closer and whispered in my ear.

"Please, Gin, I know you don't want me to visit your precious fukutaichou."

The anger I have been trying to suppress until now have boiled over. I could hardly see with the sudden rage that filled me. He snickered but I didn't pay attention to it. My fists flew up and pushed against him hard. He did let go of me at that moment, a fleeting surprise appeared in his eyes. And then it was gone, replaced by malice I haven't seen before and I knew that this was what he wanted. This was the excuse he was seeking. My brain stopped reasoning and I charged at him, releasing my zanpakutou in an instant. This wasn't really good idea. I have never fought in such a state of my mind and I had no idea if I would be able to defend myself properly. Nevertheless, I have decided. Even if I couldn't win, I would try and then run for it, if I was still in the shape for running, that's it.

Everything processed with shocking clarity through my mind while I was still advancing. For split of a second, I thought I saw something more in his expression. Was it fear? Did he think I had a chance at winning? Or at least chances at inflicting some damage before he would over power me? That gave me more confidence, not that I wouldn't have enough as it was. Maybe too much at that actually. In one moment, I raised my sword for first strike. In the next, I was on my back, searing pain in my arm. I turned my head to look what it was. Aizen was standing above me, one foot on my chest, his zanpakutou pinning my arm down. He looked at me with cold amusement and twisted the blade. I gritted my teeth, not allowing the pain making me cry out. I would not give him that pleasure. Not in a million years.

His foot grew heavier and I heard the unmistakable sound of the breaking bones. My ribs. As I struggled for breath, my mind calmed down a little, being analytic once again. I've caught the foot that had already broken two ribs and pushed it away. He just laughed, gracefully withdrawing few feet from me. I scrambled to my feet again, only now realizing something was wrong. My sword. Where was it? I looked around quickly and then I saw it. It was at Aizen's feet.

"Now now, Gin, you have made enough trouble for one day. I see you are in pain now. Moreover, you have no weapon in your hands now. What will you do? Punch me?"

He laughed that horrible arrogant laugh, his eyes fixed on me.

"Come to me now, Gin. I shall forgive you your disobedience. Prove your loyalty to me. You don't have to suffer anymore. Nobody has to suffer."

He put a stress on the last words, relying the meaning to me. Izuru. My breath caught in my lungs as I struggled to keep reasonable and calm. I couldn't. I charged at him again, my vision red.

I don't know how long it has been going on like this. When he was finished beating and cutting me, I was no more then a pulp on the floor, spitting blood on his white robes. He hated it, I knew he did. Though at this point, I didn't care if I pissed him off more. I felt his hand grabbing my torn clothes and he dragged me towards the chamber that was behind the throne. Really, was he still going to do THAT? What was the point? Didn't he have his fun today already? Probably not. I just made it more interesting for him.

The moment we were in his personal room, fear took over me. I knew what was coming and I knew from seeing his blazing eyes, that all the times before when I was with him weren't nothing compared to what I was to experience in very near future. He must have realized my sudden stillness and he threw me on the floor violently, slowly undressing himself. So I wasn't in for the bed this time, huh? As if answering my thoughts, he finally spoke again. Not that I missed his voice.

"I don't want your filthy blood on my sheets. It's enough that I'll have to scrub myself afterwards. Undress!"

With the command, he kicked my stomach and I automatically curled up. But I wasn't going to cooperate even now. My mind was numbing already. He won't have so much fun after all, I thought to myself. Although I was pretty sure I was about to pass out any moment, Aizen had better thing prepared for me. He showed something under my nose. I have breathed in some strong essence. My eyes were burning in an instant. Whatever it was, my senses were sharper and I could once again feel the pain throughout my body. I couldn't help but chuckle. That was truly evil, brilliant plan. I had to give him that.

I managed to get myself into a sitting position, leaning my back against the bed. He looked at me with his venomous smile and crossed the few steps, once again leaning towards me, ordering me to take off my clothes.

"No."

I was surprised at how steady my voice was. It was clear and loud. I have somewhat expected no more then a whisper. Then I remembered who I was, I was Ichimaru Gin, a Captain of Gotei 13. I shall NOT kneel down before anybody! Well, I already have, but this was different. Aizen knew everything about me, every little detail from my childhood to now. He watched me grow and get stronger. He knew all my weaknesses, especially the one that was on my mind now. He knew my feelings. I growled at the memory when I came to him, confused and irritated, telling him everything like he was my father, as if he would help me! Yeah, right, as if that was ever going to happen. I never realized that Aizen didn't have anything in his hand that would hold me loyal to him if the time called for it. Tousen was his, mind and soul. But never me, I didn't care for all that shit about new world and better shinigami or arrancars or whatever the nonsense was. I was actually happy in Soul Society. And he knew it.

When I came to him with a plea for help, for explanation, he realized almost immediately that I have fallen for certain somebody and that he now possessed the best weapon against me. The plan was easy, on his side anyway. Do whatever you're told, follow my orders to the letter, when I say, you'll leave with me. All that in exchange for the life of the one I loved, Izuru. I didn't realize how deep the feelings were until Aizen "offered" me the chance to leave Soul Society. I had two options, leave with him and leave Izuru behind, or to take him with us. Either way, I was never to tell him about my feelings, Aizen got me persuaded that my fukutaichou wouldn't appreciate the thought that another man was ... well, wanting him. Mainly, that confused me the most. We were both men for crying out loud! While we were hanging out with Matsumoto, everybody's stare was on her, her cleavage mostly, but I didn't really feel that way. She was like my sister, really. Probably same as Izuru for her. One happy family... Right, I thought sarcastically. Izuru would be beside himself with joy if his "big bro" thought about him in a way that definitely wasn't permitted between family members.

Another look at the cruel eyes of the one that was towering over me now told me that when I was finished, Izuru was next on the line. Aizen would definitely find a way into Soul Society, he would stop at nothing when it came to punishment. That got me standing again. I gathered my strength and got up. He left my zanpakutou on the ground in the other room, but he didn't have his own at hand either. Maybe I did have a chance after all.

Wrong.

It didn't take him even two seconds to guess what was on my mind. He launched at me with his unbelievable strength. However, I was prepared this time and the punch that I gave him rattled his jaw, a little. His eyes were both surprised and furious. Next thing I knew he was holding my hair tightly and the corner of the bed table was speeding towards my head with curious slowness and I was vaguely aware that I couldn't move my hands to stop it. Then I closed my eyes and heard the loud thud as my forehead made the impact on the solid wood. Not that solid though, I heard it crash. I opened my eyes to see what happened, but at first, I felt disoriented, I didn't see anything, only blinding white light, only slowly dissolving into sparks and stars. Then another color made it into my eyes. Red. Crimson red started to cloud my vision of the right eye. I blinked, not sure what it was. Then I realized. Blood.

That son of a bitch smashed my head against the floor before I could react to the first blow. The splinters from the table were sticking to my bloody face. Then my head was lifted for the third time and I thought to myself that if he hits it hard enough again, no more smelly concoctions would wake me up. But then I felt oddly weightless and I realized that he lifted me on the bed. So much for the messy sheets, huh? I tried to focus, to get my hands working again, but he was already two steps ahead, tying them to the bed with ropes. I tried to flex against my bindings, but it wouldn't budge. The rope only cut deep into my wrists. Other ropes were now being tied to my ankles. He tied me to the large and wide bed, my stomach down. I knew this wasn't any good. With a swish, I felt slight breeze on my skin. That wasn't right, I mused. Oh, he removed my pants already. Tore them down to be more precise. I heard his low chuckle and his hands on my thighs. I braced myself, but it didn't help the scream that escaped me when he forced something up my butt.

It wasn't him, I knew it in instant. Something else. It was too hard and too big. My whole body convulsed with the pain, I could practically feel my insides being torn to shreds, the blood immediately spurting out, coating whatever it was that he was holding and seeping down on my legs and the sheets. When he thrust it deep inside for the fourth time, I blackened out, welcoming the dreamless and painless darkness. I came back to my senses as a stinging sharp pain hit my back. Another scream erupted through my lips. What the hell was THAT? I could smell burning flesh and realized it was MY flesh. I jerked my head in attempt to get away. Pointless. I lost it again.

The next time I came around, it was dark in the room and I was alone. I wasn't tied anymore. He probably thought I wouldn't be able to run now. He was right. I couldn't even lift my hands. I knew I wasn't bleeding anymore, but I must have lost a lot of blood in order to be so weak now. As I lay there motionlessly, I started to make out the noises. There were voices from the other room. Aizen was there with one arrancar, I didn't know which one, I didn't care. I closed my eyes again, hoping the blackness would envelop me again when I caught some of the conversation.

"... clearing, yes. HE will be there for sure, sooner or later anyway. I want you to bring him here alive. I don't care if you'll have to ruffle him up a little before you'll get here with him. Do you remember what he looks like?"

"Yes, Aizen-sama. He isn't tall, has blond hair and wears third fukutaichou's clothes. His name, Kira Izuru."

My eyes snapped opened in the instant. No! My mind screamed with realization. Not Izuru, please... The door opened suddenly and Aizen came in.

"Ah, Gin, you're awake? So good of you to join me once more."

He chuckled, probably seeing my horrified expression.

"I see you were eavesdropping. Now now, haven't you been taught that you shouldn't do that? Hmm, it doesn't matter either way. You will have the opportunity to see for yourself whether young Izuru feels about you the same as you feel about him. Maybe he'll be even glad to serve me instead of you if I explain things to him properly."

I felt sick. I couldn't see anymore. Then his fingers touched my forehead, brushing some hair from it in almost affectionate manner.

"You see, Gin, I told you this would happen if you stopped obeying my orders."

"Why?"

My voice was almost inaudible, coming out in rasps.

"Why what, Gin?"

"I did everything you told me. I betrayed my division, I betrayed my friends, and I turned away from the only person that ever mattered to me. I came here with you. Even though I did everything, you were always asking for more. You made me your lap dog; you made me your slave, your toy! And you are still unsatisfied! Why? Why Izuru?"

The sudden ferocity of my voice surprised me but he just smiled in that sickening way.

"You never truly belonged to me, Gin. Your thoughts were always somewhere else. Did you think I wouldn't know that you still keep the picture of you and that little blonde? It's so sweet it's sick! But I'll make him mine. I'll even allow you to watch, as he'll writhe under me, begging for more. Something YOU would never do."

He was eyeing me coldly and I knew he meant every word.

"P-please, don't. I'll do everything, I swear, Aizen ... sama."

I choked out the words, trying to hold it.

"Too late, Gin. I warned you. Now, I want you out of here immediately. If you don't get that sorry ass off my bed in one minute, I'll take it that you want to continue in what we started previously."

I realized at once and quickly gathered the rest of my strength to get up and reach for my pants. I was very well aware of every wound, every muscle... I left the room, supporting myself against the walls. I was only too glad that Aizen's room had another passage out. I wasn't fond of the idea of going through the main hall. I made it into my room and to the bathroom. I wasn't sure if what I was about to do was a right idea, but I had to try. The arrancar sent for Izuru was Stark, I was positive of it from the voice I heard. Maybe there was still a chance.

I stood under the shower only long enough to get clean. Then I put the new clothes on. One look into the mirror told me I would scare the living dead with my appearance only. Good. Maybe I'll be able to make my point. I went right to Stark's room.

"I was expecting you, Ichimaru-sama."

Stark's eyes wandered about me slowly with bored expression. He invited me inside but didn't make any sign of inviting me to sit. I was glad. I wouldn't be able to anyway. I watched him for some time, and then get straight to the point.

"All I am asking is to postpone the visit to Soul Society for few hours. By then, I'll be gone. When he finds out, he'll be glad you didn't leave yet and he'll surely send you after me first..."

"You do realize that if he does, I will have to bring you back, Ichimaru-sama?"

"Yes, I do. But maybe it'll take some time before you'll find me and he'll cool down meanwhile... I won't make trouble for you when you catch up with me."

"Hmmm, I am not going to make any exceptions or any favors... I was heading out tomorrow anyway."

I was about to thank him when he held his hand up and continued.

"Actually, I am already sleeping, I never saw you in my room, Ichimaru-sama."

He looked at me with a concern and spoke again.

"Don't look for your sword, he keeps it. If you want to leave, do it without hesitation, now. And... Good luck."

"Thank you."

I was barely keeping it together, but I managed to get out of his room with straight face and headed towards the desert immediately. When I was far enough, I opened the gate and stepped through.

And then I stumbled and fell through nothing, hitting the trees soon after. Ouch. Great. That's what I needed. I got up and looked around. Where was I? Quick look around made me realize. I was in one place I wanted to be most but also the one place where I absolutely shouldn't be. The Soul Society...