CHAPTER 1

(Charles)

Even though I knew it was Moira's bullet that had damaged my spinal cord, I meant it that day on the beach when I had said that she was not the one at fault...that it was Erik's fault. My heart becomes so heavy everytime I think of that ill-fated day...the day I lost not only the use of my legs, my ability to walk but two of my best friends...one whom, if truth were be told had become more than a best friend as what we had shared together went beyond friendship...

I close my eyes and allow a small moan to escape my throat and realize that tears had started to gather in the corners of my eyes, threatening to fall.

"Charles?" Moira's voice draws me back to the present. "Charles, are you in pain?"

Dear Moira, who has been a constant by my side since that day. I know, even if I hadn't been able to read her mind how very guilty she still feels even though I have assured her that I don't and never did blame her for the present state of my physical being.

I look up at her from my hospital bed, blink my eyes a rapidly a couple of times to stop any flow of tears, force a smile to my lips and shake my head, "No, I am not in any physical pain." I assure her which is the truth. It is a pain of the heart that I am feeling and there are no doctors or any medications on this earth that can heal the pain I carry there.

Of course I cannot and do not tell her this. She would not understand...would never understand. At least not from my perspective. That Erik and I had become lovers only days after everyone had moved into my place and during our entire fight against Sebastian Shaw and what we had hoped would be an enlightment of our kind, mutants to the human population, until that day on the beach...

Our relationship had been a very passionate, very intense, one...like one I had never had before in my entire life. Our lovemaking was firey, explosive. I felt that we balanced each other out very well because of our opposites. Erik was the fiercely passionate one while I was the more calm, practical one. He was like fire and I was like a cooling, calming water. Because of my telepathic ability, I was the one who could always soothe Erik whenever he became dangerously angry...which had happened fairly often. But I understood his anger and where it came from. I believe that this is why we also made such a remarkable connection with each other. Because Erik was a complicated man with a complicated background. I had learned this the moment I made my first telepathic connection with him when I had jumped into the water and intervened with his attempt to kill Shaw, ultimately saving his life at the same time, the night we first met. And then again afterwards when we were all training for the 'war' against Shaw and his fellow mutants and Erik had allowed me to enter his mind in order to help teach him how he could strengthen his powers by putting the right emotions to work. And several other times afterwards. He allowed me and only me to get to know the real him and to know about his past. It was that which made me the one who understood him best. On my part, my life had been and was still much more privledged than Erik's which could have gone against me in his eyes. But it didn't...perhaps because I had accepted him for who he was. Something he had found throughout his earlier life that not everyone was willing to do.

But the one area where he and I stalemated was that we each had also been hoping to persuade the other to join his side of the mutant/human equation, both of us equally passionate that our side was the right side. Neither of us budging from our strong beliefs.

I winced slightly as I recalled Erik's eyes as blue as the sky looking down at me with such love in them-eyes I would never see again (I closed my own eyes once more as I agonized over this truth) except in dreams like the drug-induced ones I had been having since being hopsitialized. And how his strong arms would hold me and make me feel safe, secure and loved such as the night when we had learned that Darwin and many other innocent people had been horribly murdered in cold blood by Sebastian Shaw. We had been on our way back from Russia when I was starting to feel that something was wrong. As we were still too far away, I was unable to get a clear read on anyone. I had wished I had Hank's Cerebro in order to help me reach Raven or any of the others better.

The closer we were getting to home, the worse I felt. I tried repeatedly to reach someone at the compound but all in vain. Finally, I disclosed my concern to Erik.

"Erik...something is wrong, I can feel it." I said to him in a low tone so that Moira and the agent who had accompanied us to Russia wouldn't hear me. He looked at me frowning. "I can't read anyone at the compound."

Erik's face relaxed as he replied. "We are probably still too far away, Charles."

But I shook my head. "No...it's more than that. I can feel that something is wrong."

I continued trying to reach Raven but it took until we were making our descent before I finally was able to get any kind of response. But...the one I got was strange...confusing.

After we landed and had disembarked from the plane, it suddenly felt was like there were several people in my head at once. I stopped in my surprise by the sudden onslaught and put hand to my head and groaned.

"Are you alright Charles?" Erik asked me, concerned.

"I don't understand what's happening. For some reason I can't seem to lock onto one person...I feel like several of them are in my head. Wait...I see...I see...I hear...panic...screams...I feel...fear...oh...god..."

"What? What is it?" Erik demanded.

"Explosions...fires...at the compound! We have to get over there NOW!" I exclaimed, all three looking at me in their shock at my revelation. But no one questioned me. We found Moira's car and headed straight over. Along the way my feeling only intesified. I was afraid of what it might mean...

We could see the destruction before we even reached the compound. Erik and I looked at each other. I saw that Erik was already holding Shaw responsible. I was sure he was right. I also had the feeling that it should only be Erik and myself checking the damage. By now I managed to see that Raven and the rest of the mutants were safe with the CIA. With my mind, I told Moira what to do.

"You two go to the kids to let them know we have returned while Erik and I check out the compound."

Without any argument, the two sped away in Moira's car after dropping us off.

Erik and I walked around the devasting scene but the more I took in, the worse I was feeling. All of the bodies had been either shot, stabbed, burned, or lay broken on the ground, killed in one violent way or another...some not even resembling human anymore. There were body parts stewn all over...and the blood...blood was everywhere...the stench of death was overpowering. I was so horrified at the carnage that Shaw had left in his destructive path that it literally brought me to my knees with a nauseousness that had violently emptied the contents of my stomach onto the ground where it had all happened. Erik was right there beside me, on his own knees gently rubbing my back.

"Your priviledged life has not allowed you to see such violence." He said softly, not attacking but merely stating a truth. "You have to be stronger than this Charles. Strong for the others. Shaw isn't the only evil bastard out there. You're going to have to get used to this kind of thing."

"My god Erik! What have we done?!" I gasped out shakily, once my body had stopped heaving. "We brought those kids here!" I couldn't go on. The thought of Raven witnessing such a horrific act... and I hadn't been there to protect her...them...any of them from it! We hadn't been there! What if something had happened to her? What if Shaw had killed her as well? Or any of the others? This was wrong. This was all wrong. My mind was made up. They were all leaving and as soon as was possible...this was the end of it. I refused to take any more chances and with Raven or any of them.

Erik helped me to my feet and as I was still feeling weak, half carried, half dragged me away from the scenes of destruction. By the time we reached what had been the entrance of the compound, Moira had returned with Raven and the others...

That night, sensing that I needed him, Erik stayed with me in my bed and held me protectively close to his body, my head laid against his chest while I tried to wrap my head around the pure evilness of Sebastian Shaw. I also allowed myself to grieve over the recent tragic events, quietly weeping for not only the loss of one of our own innocents but also for the loss of many innocent men as well as for loss of the innocence of those who had survived and felt like our world was coming apart. Erik had sat in a smouldering silence where I felt his hatred towards Shaw intensify as he held me, his free hand clenching and unclenching...

One thing I had discovered about Erik during our relationship, no matter how hard and tough he shows himself to be to everyone in the outside world, with me he can be and had been very loving, gentle and caring. A side that he refuses to show to anyone except myself.

"Charles..." Once again Moira's voice brought me back to reality. "There is too something wrong." She insisted softly. "Please...tell me. Talk to me." She tried to coax me.

Without even thinking about doing it, my hand went to my temple, my eyes still closed. I could never, would never tell her that I had been trying at various times since waking from the surgery-which had been done to see if there was any hope at all of repairing the damage done to my spinal cord-and without any luck of course, to reach Erik's mind telepathically even though I knew it was futile. As long as he had Shaw's old helmet, I would never be able to get through. Odd though, as I'm sure he wouldn't actually sleep with that helmet on...would he? I had been asking myself that since truly believing that might be best when to try and make contact with him. But I never could. Of course it was possible that he was sleeping very irregularily and perhaps taking only short naps. And...that would make sense, especially if he were deliberately trying to avoid me. Something I knew deep inside was probably what was indeed happening, although it pierced my heart to believe it.

"It's nothing, it's just a headache. It'll pass." I finally told Moira just to give her a reason for my actions.

"I can get you something for it." She offered.

"No." I replied perhaps a little too quickly. "No thanks. I appreciate your kindness, but it is not a bad one. I'll wait for it pass. If it doesn't in a little while, I will call a doctor to give me some medication for it. In the meantime, I think I would like to try and get some sleep. That could be the reason for this headache." I explained to her hoping that she would take my explanation as a hint to leave. As much as I appreciated her continued friendship and knew I needed her and it, at that moment what I wanted more than anything was just to be left alone with my memories of Erik, the only thing left of him that I had.

And thankfully she did just that. "I'll be back later." Moira promised as she always did whenever she left.

I just smiled and nodded at her, grateful that for once, I would be able to think about Erik with a clear head. Something I hadn't been able to do since I saw him last.

So intent was I reliving our relationship since we had met, that I was suprised when I felt a prick stab my arm and felt the familiar drowsiness that seemed to have become a part of my routine. Damn Moira anyway, I thought sleepily to myself. She went ahead and told the doctor about my 'headache'...

Fighting as much against the medication as I could, I tried to protest, "I don't want...I don't need anymore medication!" but my voice felt thick and seemed like it was coming from somewhere or even someone else. "I'm not in pain..." my voice trailed off here as I fell into yet another drug induced sleep...

It was the same dream I had been having practically every night since being here. I would open my eyes and Erik would be right here in the room beside me, gazing down at me with his sky blue eyes. Always, always, they had a concerned but sad, equally pained look as I suspect my own to have, but I also saw the love in them. Sometimes he was holding my hand and because the dream was so vivid I swear I could actually feel his hand holding mine. I would even hear him whisper my name "Charles..." I would try to answer "Erik..." in return by in my drugged stupor I was never able to.

Tonight was no different but even in my dream state, I was bound and determined that I should speak his name this time. It took me several tries but I finally managed it, "Erik..." came my hoarse whisper.

"Charles..." this time he did do something different. With one of his hands, he gently brushed the hair on forehead...and with that gesture, I knew...I somehow knew..

With as much strength as I could muster, I grabbed at his hand and wrapped my own hand around his wrist when I found it, "Erik...?" I did my best to shake myself awake and free of the drugs. "Erik? Don't go...don't you leave me when I wake up!" I pleaded with him wanting to believe that he really was there, but unsure because of the drugs.

Gesturing to the bed and myself in general he replied gently, "Damn it Charles...you should know me well enough by now that I would NEVER leave you like this!"

I felt myself tearing up in the corners of my eyes again. But they were good tears because no, the Erik I had come to know and love WOULDN'T just go off and leave me like this. "I'm never going to walk again, Erik.." I whispered.

Erik didn't say anything for a moment but I noticed that he shifted uncomfortably as I said these words. At this point, I found myself starting to come out of my drugged state already. Apparently, the doctor didn't feel the need to give me as heavy a dose as I had recieved in the beginning anymore after all. I thanked God for that. I looked up at Erik with my head and vision clearing. It was real. He was real. He was there. He seemed to realize that I was coming around.

He swallowed and shook his head slightly. "This isn't right, Charles. You, lying here like this. It's not right at all!" I could see that he was angry about my circumstances but I also knew that it was himself whom his anger was directed at. That he was blaming himself. He had known all along that it was his fault, even when he had first laid the blame on Moira. He hadn't wanted to be the one responsible for his dearest friend's...his lover's fate. I understood this.

Erik didn't need to speak the words for me to realize this. And somehow, this unspoken admission gave me strength. "What's done is done Erik, we can't go back and change the past."

"You know I would if I could Charles." He vowed fiercely.

"Yes, I know you would, Erik. But I'm alive at least. I hope that accounts for something." I reassured him, taking his hand in mine and even rewarded him with a smile.

"Of course it does. Honestly Charles, I don't know how I would have taken it if...if you had died..."

"I didn't die, so let us not think of such things then, shall we?" Changing the subject, I went on. "You've been coming here every night haven't you? To see me. I wasn't dreaming, all of those nights I thought I was. I really was seeing you. In a drugged state of course. But now that I see you here for real tonight, I know that you've been coming here."

Erik nodded his head. "Of course. Every night that I have been able to. It's like I just said, I would never leave you like this Charles. I had to know. First, I had to make sure that you were alright. And then...I just couldn't leave you lying here...I had to keep coming back to see you..." His voice trailed off.

"Have you been this close by ever since then?" I quiered curiously. I could have read his mind, but I wanted him to be the one to tell me. And at present time, even though the drugs were wearing off, my mind still felt weakened by them.

"Not at all actually. I have had Azazel teleport me to and from."

I was stunned. "Azazel knows you've been coming to see me?!"

"No, he doesn't. He...they all believe that I am..."on patrol"...on "guard duty" of some sort. I have him leave me at different places every time and then come for me up at a designated time. But they are always within close distance of this hospital. So far no one suspects anything, but then they listen to me and what I tell them with no questions asked. That is, all know that to be the truth except...Raven of course. I had to tell her. I felt she had the right to know. And I know I can trust her to not tell anyone else. "

"Thank you, Erik. Raven...how is Raven?" I had to ask after my other old friend who had been more like a sister to me, even though I knew that she would be more than fine in Erik's hands. I would dearly love to see her again I thought to myself. I was also grateful that Erik was keeping Raven informed of what had been happening with me.

"She is well, Charles. She too has been very concerned about you and your well-being of course. But was very happy to know that you are coming along."

"Could you tell her...tell her..." I WANTEDhim to tell her that I was missing her and her friendship, but I couldn't bring myself to ask him to do that for some reason.

But Erik seemed to understand what I wanted to ask of him. "I will tell her." He promised.

Time was passing and I knew that Erik would have to leave me soon again.

"You will come back, won't you Erik?" I asked him.

"For as long as you are here, I won't leave you." he vowed again much to my relief.

"I do want to get out of here. And if they can't do anything more with me, they may as well let me go. When I do go back home...you will come and visit me there... Erik? You are welcome to come at anytime, you won't have to wait until night."

"Of course I will come, Charles."

I couldn't help but smile at Erik words. I knew he had every intention of keeping his promise. And this time before he left me, Erik leaned down and pressing his lips softly against mine, he kissed me goodbye which caused me to quiver slightly as it sent a rush of pure happiness to the very core of my body... something I thought I would never feel again. I was happy because I now knew that even though I had lost the use of my legs, I had not lost my best friends...and lover after all.