Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.
The months flew by and Roy, almost finished with his first term at the military academy, constantly reflected on the distance that had made itself so painfully known in his relationship with Riza Hawkeye. After her birthday, Roy saw very little of her, and when they did happen upon each other, very little was said. He didn't know how to take it. Something had changed within her… something dark had happened to his best friend and she was making it very clear that she didn't want any of his help.
Not that you ever gave me that choice, Roy thought to himself as he boarded the train back to that little town he'd practically grew up in. He straightened his uniform out before sitting by the window, placing his cover on the table. I hope she won't think I look silly. Thoughts of her ceaselessly ran through his mind and today was no different. It had been almost a year since she had locked her door on him. Why had that affected him so? Was it because she prevented him from taking care of her when she had always taken it upon herself to comfort him when the situation was reversed? Was it because the act signified that she didn't need anyone – didn't need him – in the way that he realized he so desperately needed her.
Roy mindlessly fiddled around with the box he'd once again held in his pocket, hoping to finally get it out of his possession. He considered just leaving it behind with a note before embarking to the academy, but he ultimately considered that to be too impersonal when it came to the person he cherished most in the world. When he announced he was leaving for the academy, the timing didn't seem right and the air between them was still too awkward. The corner of his mouth quirked up softly as he closed his eyes, recalling the memory of his departure from the Hawkeye manor.
….
She didn't know what to say. Had this always been the plan? Is this what he meant about making a difference in the world? Maybe he was afraid to tell her, knowing how strongly her father opposed the military. That didn't bother her so much as the fact that he was leaving her… all alone in this rotting house with this rotting man in this rotten situation. Perhaps in her distance she had missed the signs he surely had been giving her. Surely he wouldn't spring something like this on her out of nowhere. Regardless of potentially misunderstood hints and deliberate avoidance, she was at a loss of words as those dark eyes she'd grown so fond of considered her sadly, but warmly, before he bid farewell and walked out of the front door.
Riza felt the air leave her lungs and not bother returning as she watched him walk through the yard to the cab waiting to take him to the train station. Say something, say something… she felt her heart would burst and yet she didn't know what to do. Firmly believing that actions spoke louder than words – and figuring the words would come later, anyway – she broke out into a sprint to catch up with him.
The sound of her footsteps let him release a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. Roy immediately turned, setting his suitcase down in the grass. Riza came to a halt right in front of him, a little flustered by the whole situation.
Damn it… I still don't know what to say, Riza thought as she looked into his eyes, willing him to understand all of her feelings towards him through the eye contact. There was so much she wanted to tell him but it simply wasn't the right time. With her father's health worsening, Roy's restlessness difficult to contain, and her own future up in the air… there would be a lot of consequences to the explanations she knew Roy wanted from her, but she didn't want to force him into anything. Sure, she knew he cared for her, but that didn't mean he was ready for the commitment that would come along with revealing the reason for her distance the past few months… Or maybe he wouldn't even consider it a commitment at all, she mentally slapped herself. They'd been close for years, but they were growing up and major life decisions had to be made. She didn't want to hinder him in any way from his goals, even if it meant keeping her feelings silent.
Roy readily met her gaze and his heart clenched at all he saw in her eyes, those beautiful eyes (and what color were they anyway?) he knew would haunt him for the rest of his days. There was no doubt that she supported him in all he did, but he couldn't help but feel guilty for not telling her sooner. Not knowing what to say, he took a step forward and wrapped her up in his arms, bringing his head to rest atop of hers. Riza instantly melted into his embrace and a few traitorous tears escaped her eyes, only to be caught in his shirt. She prayed he wouldn't notice.
Knowing this would last much too short for him, Roy tried to commit each second to memory. Memories of her arms around him on sleepless nights, of her transformation into his comfort blanket, rushed into his mind, as well as those of him feeling helpless as she cried to herself, fighting her demons all on her own. Roy tightened his hold on her, bringing one of his hands up to her hair. A sniffle broke the peace he'd found, but was quickly followed by words that he didn't realize he wanted so badly to hear.
"Come back to me, Roy."
…..
Roy woke up to see his train had stopped. He hurriedly smoothed out the invisible wrinkles on his uniform, grabbed his belongings, and booked it out of the station, excited to see Riza.
He had barely thought about how uncomfortable his encounter with Master Hawkeye would be. Yes, he'd rehearsed some of the things he'd wanted to say to him – about how he felt he had finally found his purpose, how flame alchemy would be used for good if he were to possess the power – but fate has a funny way of ripping everything from your control and rendering you speechless.
Despite how speechless Roy had been when he held Berthold Hawkeye in his arms, the sick man hurriedly gave him directions – and Riza, apologies – as he tried to outrun his last dying breath.
…..
The past few days went by so fast. Especially in comparison to the agonizingly long months that preceded them. One minute she was running into town, the next she was discovering that Roy had returned and – in that same moment – that her only known relative was fading fast from this world. And then she was standing before a simple grave, where she could swear her father would be happier than he's been in years. She didn't even remember a funeral… let alone who took care of all of the expenses. Of course, she wouldn't have to think long about the answer to that question. Riza was grateful for his presence next to her throughout the whole ordeal, during this time that a major constant in her world had disappeared. Her father's intense presence had grown heavier and heavier on her to the point that she feared her back would break under the pressure.
So when Roy mentioned the key to flame alchemy Master Hawkeye had stated would be in her possession, she held her breath.
In. Out.
Everything was just happening too quickly for Riza.
In. Out.
But who else in this world would be more worthy of this information than Roy?
In. Out.
Making her decision that evening, Riza led him up to her room. It felt like ages since Roy had been there, and the atmosphere, dripping in silence, anticipation, and discomfort, was thickening around him. Roy cleared his throat as he shut the door behind him, turning to see Riza staring out into the space beyond her window. The sun was setting and the light did magical things to her hair.
"I'm sorry we really haven't had the time to talk," Roy shifted uncomfortably, speaking behind her. Hoping she'd say something, Roy waited. When it became clear she wouldn't, he approached her.
"How are you feeling?" he spoke softly, coming up to stand next to her.
"Are you ready to learn the secrets to flame alchemy, Mister Mustang?" her voice was clear as it cut through the tension Roy had been feeling. While the stress with the anticipation of her voice had dissipated, another emotion, one he couldn't quite decide on, overtook him.
"Riza, you know you don't have to call me that," Embarrassment… was that it? "And there's no reason why we need to dive right into that right now. We just buried your father, for goodness sake." No, hurt… hurt was more like it. But not necessarily for himself…
"Look," Riza finally turned away from the window but still avoided looking him in the eyes. "It will take you a while to decipher the code and I don't know how long you have before you have to go back," but please don't tell me because it'll break my heart to remember you won't be here forever. "We should get started on this as soon as possible." And with that she turned and met his eyes, standing opposite him across the room. It hadn't even been a year, but he looked so much older, so much more confident. Not at all like her Roy that she held as he trembled beneath her arms…
She shook the thought from her head. No… things are different now. I cannot expect things to return to the way they were before… especially now… She would have to handle this just right so as not to accidentally guilt him into feeling obligated to do something for her. She took in a deep breath, preparing herself for the emotional marathon she knew she was about to run.
Roy froze as her eyes (god, what color are they!) bore into his own, begging for understanding. When he took a step towards her she merely shook her head, looking down at the floor. This current situation was awkward for Roy and he wished he could just get her to sit down and talk to him for awhile, but she seemed determined to get this alchemy question answered there and now. He sighed, physically relinquishing any control he thought he held at the moment.
Acknowledging his submission, she turned around once again. "And Mister Mustang," she inwardly cringed at the way the formality crashed about in her mouth, completely unlike the way "Roy" would have smoothly rolled off of her tongue, "please don't say anything for a few minutes." She knew he'd have questions – she even felt them gathering in his head with that simple instruction – but perhaps this would prevent a rush of incessant inquiries: Did it hurt? How could he do this to you? Questions she had already racked her brain over. Perhaps he wouldn't ask about anything of that nature, she thought wryly, maybe he'll jump right into questions about equations and diagrams. She felt bile make itself known in her throat with that last thought.
In. Out.
She quickly started to undo the buttons on her blouse.
In.
She braced herself for this moment she'd been mentally preparing herself for.
Out.
She let the blouse fall to the floor, quickly unfastening her bra to allow it to join the other article.
In. Out.
She brought her hands up to cover her breasts as she tried to think of pleasant memories to make the time go by faster. Unsurprisingly, every thought involved the dark-haired bo- man - she'd asked to remain silent behind her. The whole situation was frustrating: she had thought of Roy in that way before, and it's so unfair that he had to see her body like this… in this condition. Underneath these conditions. She wondered if he would have found her beautiful before. She prayed he wouldn't find her beautiful now because of the array branding her skin. Just as her father seemed to. All of these thoughts flew through her mind in a matter of seconds and she realized it would feel like a world of time before she actually had to face Roy and his words.
After what felt like an eternity but couldn't possibly have been more than a minute, she heard the floor creak as he moved closer to inspect the array. Riza willed her pulse to slow, growing lightheaded with her heartbeat beating so unbearably fast in this unbearable position in this unbearable house with this unbearable curse on her back. Roy's hands on her shoulders tore her from her trance and withdrew a sharp gasp from her. He turned her around until she faced him, her eyes wide with bewilderment, his own deceptively neutral. His thumbs smoothed small circles on her shoulders as he maintained steady eye contact with her, face impassive as her expression struggled to mask her own confusion.
Roy's façade couldn't last long, though… not around her… and her eyes widened even more as she noticed a single tear descend down his cheek. His mouth began to quiver and his breathing grew markedly heavier as his hands stilled at her shoulders before abruptly pressing her to his chest, his arms holding her tight. Hands still across her own chest, Riza didn't know what to do as Roy shook around her, flood gates breaking loose upon her as she stood like a good soldier, what she expected him to be. She shivered involuntarily (possibly from the cold buttons of his uniform now pressed against her skin), causing him to draw her in even closer to his body as he tottered closer into hysterics. Riza's resolve had all but crumbled when she heard him sob into her shoulder, his grip on her still vice-like. She worked her arms out from between them and wrapped them around his waist, not bothering to think much about her bare chest being pressed against him.
Feeling the exhaustion – mental, emotional – begin to sink in, Riza attempted, and failed, to remove herself from his embrace. Truth be told, she didn't mind at all that he was pretty much supporting her body, especially when her head started to swim with everything that was happening. And not happening.
Roy sensed her slacken against him ever so slightly. Taking a deep breath, he loosened his hold on Riza for a moment only to pick her up and carry her over to her bed in the next. He quickly silenced her with a look when she made to protest. After laying her down softly, he removed his jacket and collared shirt, placing them in her desk chair, then, having picked up the blanket from the foot of her bed, covered her bare top before sliding into the other side of the bed.
This is not how this was supposed to happen, Riza thought as Roy smoothed the blanket over her, tucking her in and pulling them both closer together. She couldn't remember how exactly it was supposed to happen, just that this wasn't it. Roy made it impossible for her to ponder the subject too much as he brought his hand to rest at the small of her back, pressing her closer to his warm body, their faces inches apart. His eyes looked so much older…
"Can I say anything yet?" he asked, voice cracking with emotion she thought had already subsided. This was her Roy, and she'd be damned if she caused him any pain. She knew that allowing him to speak would bring on questions of the emotional variety (Did it hurt? How long ago?) and she couldn't afford for her levees to break too. Roy needed this information and she wanted him to have it with as little pain as possible, even though everything was so impossibly unfair. She'd be sure to control all the factors in this equation that she could, though, and one of those was assuring him that she was fine and he didn't need to worry about her.
"No," she said resolutely, gaze unfaltering.
Roy released her from his arms, stood up from the bed, and walked over to the door. She didn't bother looking at him, determined to keep her emotions locked in place, even if everything within her was screaming to stop him before he left her alone. A few seconds later, after noticing he had turned off her lamps, she heard rustling as he took his boots off and unbuckled his belt. Riza felt the heat creep into her cheeks as he came back to the bed, wearing only his boxers. He rejoined her under the covers and returned his hand to the small of her back, pulling her close until her head rested against his chest. Riza tensed up, unsure of what to do until she felt his lips pressed to her forehead. The action caused her to relax considerably in his arms, feeling his breathing even out as sleep overtook him. After a few moments in the darkness, Riza, too tired to calculate any more ways to handle the situation, succumbed to her weariness and followed Roy into sleep.
AN: Got this out a little sooner than expected. Thank you all for reading along! Reviews are much appreciated :)
