Disclaimer: All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, apart from Aisha, are mine. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!!

Couples: None, yet!

Plot: Nobody knows this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…singing potion! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos!

Extra A/N: Set B4 the 4th book, so Oliver is still here!! The songs are in Bold, (adlibs are in curvy brackets), [Narrations in square brackets] and *actions are between stars*.The music disclaimer at end, so as not to spoil the surprise ¬_¬;

Hogwarts: The Musical Continued.

[Please read the previous chapter because our narrator is on strike, pending the S.P.E.W strike, and I can't be bothered to tell you all the once upon a time stuff. The worthless little…he gets 100 Galleons for this job and what do I get in return? Nothing! I tell, you, never hire a narrator from Tromedlov inc.]

[Ahem, anyhow, Fred and George Weasley are sat in the corner, hatching some kind of plan…see? It's not even that hard a job to do!]

Fred: What do you think? Should we?

George: Why not? Better get some entertainment here. I mean, Snape singing would be nice enough, if we had a camcorder.

Fred: Never mind. So what have you got?

George: Umm, Bailey's, Gin, whisky, lager, bitter, lemonade…

[Across the hall, the rest of the students worry about what they plan to do.]

Harry: My god, I hope it's not nasty.

Ron: I know! My brothers are just as bad as Mungojerry and Rumpleteaser! *eyes open wide as realisation of his words' impact sinks in* Uh-oh…

[Uh oh indeed, Ronald Weasley! Neville, Hermione, Colin and other Gryffindors start to dance to music that fills the air]

{dim lights}

*Harry smacks Ron over the head*

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer were a notorious couple of cats
As knockabout clowns, quick change comedians
*Twins grin*
Tight-rope walkers and acrobats
They have an extensive reputation
(Sev: I'll say.)
Made their home in a place called The Burrow
That was merely their center of operation
For they were incurable given to rove

If the area window was found ajar
And the dungeon looked like a field of war
If a tile or two came loose on the roof
Which presently fails to be waterproof
If the drawers were pulled out from potions room chests
*Severus winces*
And you couldn't find one of your Quidditch vests
*Harry nearly faints*
If after supper one of the girls
Suddenly missed her dragon's pearls
*Pansy faints*

Then everyone would say, "It's those horrible brats!
(Fred: That's nasty!)
It was Mungojerrie or Rumpleteazer!"
And most of the time they leave it at that

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer had a very unusual gift of gab
They were highly efficient king pranksters
and remarkably smart at a smash and grab
They made their home in a place called The Burrow
They had no regular occupation
They were plausible fellows who liked to engage
A friendly policeman in conversation

When the family assembled for Sunday dinner
Their minds made up that they wouldn't get thinner on
Argentine joint, potatoes and greens
Then Dobby would appear from behind the scenes
And say in a voice that was broken with sorrow
"I is afraid you is waiting for dinner for tomorrow
The joint it is gone from oven like this!"

Then the family would say, "It's those horrors, oh drat!
It was Mungojerrie or Rumpleteazer!"
And most of the time they left it at that

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer had a wonderful way
Of working together

And some of the time you would say it was luck  (Harry: Huh! Who's luck?)
And some of the time you would say it was weather
They'd go through the house like a hurricane
And no sober person could take his oath
(Ron: What? Is everyone drunk?)
Was it Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer?
Or could you have sworn that it mightn't be both?
(Harry and Ron: Yep!)
When you heard a dining room smash
Or up from the office there came a loud crash
Or down from the library came a loud ping
From a vase which was commonly said to be Ming
Then the family would say: "Now which was which pratt?
(George: Hey!)
It was Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer
And there's nothing at all to be done about that!"

[When you have quite finished! Anyway, things in the Great Hall are getting quite tense and you cold literally cut the air with a knife!]

Hermione: Voldemort! Stop smoking!

Voldemort: But-

Hermione: *face showing signs of demonic possession* Stop. Smoking. Now. I do not mind you dying as a result of Harry killing you, but I object when you shorten my lifespan by passive smoking. Do you understand?

Voldemort: *vigorously nods head and throws ciggie out of broken window*

Harry, Ron, Draco: …

[Oh, right. Never mind.]

{Lights dim}

[Harry walks to the middle of the Hall, and a spotlight follows him everywhere he walks.]

Draco: By the looks of things, he's going to start…

[Singing? Yes, unfortunately.]

Draco: Hey, where does that voice come from?

[You fool. I'm the narrator, not qualified, but I like to think I am. Without me, you're just-]

Harry: Hey! My moment?

[Oh, yeah, sorry about that Harry. Go ahead.]

Harry: *irritated* Thank you!

{Ickle Children's choir singing in background}

Harry:

Close every door to me

Hide all the world from me

Bar all the windows

And shut out the light

Do what you want with me

Hate me and laugh at me (Draco: Ha ha!)

Darken my daytime

And torture my night (Voldemort: For goodness' sake, I haven't done anything, yet.)

If my life were important I

Would ask will I live or die *Exasperated sighs*

But I know the answers lie

Far from this world (Voldemort: I do believe that I am the answer? I am here. Hello?)

Close every door to me

Keep those I love from me

Children of Hogwarts

Are never alone

For I know I shall find

My own peace of mind (Draco: For ours, please shut up.)

For I have been promised

A land of my own (Colin: Wow! Cool!)

{CHILDREN}

Close every door to him

Maybe he'll stop singing (Glare from Harry makes them sing proper lyrics)

Bar all the windows

And shut out the light

{HARRY}

Just give me a number

Instead of my name  (Draco: Oi! 297, shut up in there!)

Forget all about me (Snape: If you'll give us the chance.)

And let me decay

I do not matter

I'm only one person

Destroy me completely (Voldemort: That is the plan, yes.)

Then throw me away

If my life were important I *groans around the room*

Would ask will I live or die

But I know the answers lie

Far from this world

Close every door to me

{HARRY, ENSEMBLE AND CHILDREN}

Keep those I love from me

Children of Hogwarts

Are never alone

For we know we shall find

Our own peace of mind

For we have been promised

A land of our own

[Um, yes, Harry, well done…moving swiftly on, it seems that Snape is glaring at Harry across the room. Draco walks over to him.]

Draco: Huh?

[*Sigh* I said, 'Draco walks over to him', now mush! Scoot!]

Draco: OK, OK, keep your hair on!

{Lights dim, spotlight on Draco, Snape.}

Draco: *sighing*

Draco: Professor, Professor!
-Yeah?
You wanna hurt the kid?
-Nah Draco, I don't wanna hurt the kid...
Yeah I know, I know that. How about you guys back here? You wanna hurt the kid? Any of you guys? How about you people out there you wanna hurt the kid?

What's this I hear
There's a whole lotta talk
The people say you try to kill the kid
(Voldemort: I do, I do!)

Hey yeah
Tell me what you did
You can call it what you want
But I call it messin' with the kid

Now the kid plays good
And good don't pay
I say what I mean, I mean what I say

Yeah, yeah
Tell me what you did
You can call it what you want
But I call it messin' with the kid

Well tell me you love me
You tell me a lie
But I know I hate ya baby, 'til the day I die

Hey yeah
Tell me what you did
You can call it what you want
But I call it messing with the kid

Gonna take the kid's broom
Drive around town
Tell everybody trying to put him down

Hey yeah
Tell me what you did
You can call it what you want
I call it messin' with the kid!

[Severus does a spectacular dive, and slides along the polished floor on his knees. Hey, not bad, Sevvy!]

Snape: Thanks.

[No problem. Anyhow, Fred and George have secretly dished out the booze and everyone is, well, legless. Oliver and all of the Gryffindors stand, hand in hand and start 'singing']

I've paid my dues -
Time after time -
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I've come through

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world -

I've taken my bows
And my curtain calls -
You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it -
I thank you all -

But it's been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise -
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
And I ain't gonna lose -

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world -

[Moving on, again, it seems that Snape's drink was spiked. As was, hang on, let me see. Mm-hmm, OK. As was Harry's, Ron's, Draco's and Voldemort's. This should be interesting, hey, where are they?]

Pansy: *sniggering* Fred and George took them away somewhere.

[Hmm, sounds ominous.]

[Here they come…Bloody hell. Sorry for the language. But erm, how do I describe this?]

Fred: As you see it, love.

[OK, then. I see Harry in tight, and I mean TIGHT, leather trousers and a T-shirt with the words (close your eyes, kids) 'Draco's Bitch' printed on the back. I see Ron in…I say it again…bloody hell…. he's wearing golden hot pants and a corset. I see Draco wearing not very much. Please keep your hat on! I see Snape wearing a long, black, spangly dress, split all the way up the side, so you can see…Oh GOD!! Get out of here!]

George: *snickers* we have cameras as well! Keep going! You're doing great!

[*feeling slightly queasy* OK, fine, but if I need psychiatric help, YOU can pay my bills. Anyway, I also see Voldemort wearing…you really do not want to know…]

Fred: We understand don't forget we are all in the same boat.

[I see Voldemort wearing, *ulp* an Indian outfit, the whole feather headdress and cloth trousers thing. What could they…oh, no, not that ANYTHING BUT THAT!]

Snape, Harry, Voldemort, Ron, Draco:

Young man, there's no need to feel down
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground
I said, young man, 'cause your in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy
Young man, there's a place you can go
I said, young man, when you're short on your dough
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything For young men to enjoy.
You can hang out with all the boys.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
You can get yourself clean
You can have a good meal
You can do whatever you feel.
Young man, Are you listening to me
I said, young man, what do you want to be
I said, young man, you can make real your dreams,
but you've got to know this one thing.
No man, does it all by himself
I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf
And just go there, to the Y.M.C.A.
I'm sure they can help you today
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything for young men to enjoy.
You can hang out with all the boys.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
You can get yourself clean
You can have a good meal
You can do whatever you feel.
Young Man, I was once in your shoes,
I said, I was down and out with the blues
I felt, no man cared if I were alive
I felt the whole world was so jive
That's when someone came up to me
and said young man take a walk up the street
There's a place there called the Y.M.C.A.
They can start you back on your way.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything For young men to enjoy.
You can hang out with all the boys.
Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
Young man, Young man, there's no need to feel down
Young man, Young man, pick yourself off the ground
Y.M.C.A.
just go to the Y.M.C.A.
Young Man, Young Man, I was once in your shoes,
Young Man, Young Man, I was out with the blues
Y.M.C.A.
Y.M.C.A.
Y.M.C.A.
Y.M.C.A.

[AARGH! Everyone is joining in! Hang on, the potion should be wearing off now!! Hurrah! Everyone is saved!]

Snape: I'M WEARING A DRESS?

Harry: At least you aren't 'Draco's Bitch'.

Draco: Ha ha! Ron is trying to be Kylie!

Ron: At least I'm wearing something.

Draco: *looks down, up, down, up, then runs out of the room, screaming*

Voldemort: Yes, I'm going to, erm, change.

[Draco and co. come back looking slightly more respectable. Finally, I can go back to my day job and Hogwarts returns to normal, right?]

Dumbledore: Um,

[Oh, no, I don't like the sound of this.]

Dumbledore: Well, um, when this safeguard system was put in, they didn't think that it was enough…so they put more than one potion in.

{Doors slam shut}

[So, Albus what, dare I ask, is the next potion we have to deal with?]

Dumbledore: *looks helplessly at everyone* Love potion, or mime potion, or Time Travel Potion, or Abnormal Hair Growth Potion or…

[Ah, not good…]

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Music Disclaimer: None of the music in this Fanfiction is mine. The following is a list of the songs I –ahem- borrowed;

1. Anything You Can Do (Frank and Annie)

2. Memory (Cats)

3. Trust In Me (Jungle Book)

4. Higitus Figitus (Sword In The Stone)

5. Macavity (Cats)

6. All Things Bright And Beautiful

7. Mungojerry and Rumpleteaser (Cats)

8. Close Every Door To Me (Joseph and his nice coat)

9. Messin' With The Kid (Blues Brothers)

10. We Are The Champions (Queen?)

11. YMCA (Village People)

Extra special THANK YOUS again to the following people: STEPHANIE COLE, NATALIE PRICE, MICHELLE PARKER, HOLLIE RILEY AND ANY OTHER PEOPLE WHO HELPED ME FIND ALL OF THE SONGS. My gratitude is undying. Until the next potion takes effect…bye-bye! ^_^