His Voice Of Reason
Author; Nightstar Fury of Nightstar Productions
Rated; M for Mature
Disclaimer; I do not own HTTYD, or any of the songs used in this story! :)
[A/N: Alright listen up because its gonna keep getting mentioned. My story, this one here is NOT a copy of "Your Own Personal Savior". Nor was it inspired by YOPS. Yes I get the whole depressed, calling a hotline deal however if you recall in the YOPS story, Astrid is the depressed one and finds the number for the hotline on a flyer. In mine, Hiccup calls it by accident, then calls back later. The name of the hotline is completely different, also if ya wanna get technical in the YOPS story, Toothless is a dog and in mine he's a wolf. In YOPS, the students are in college. In mine they are seniors in high school. I go by their real names, in YOPS they have other names. And for Thor's sake, y'all only read chapter 1. You have no idea the rest of my story play out so can we maybe stop saying I copied the your own personal savior story. All my story ideas come in dreams, not from other stories or authors. The only people helping me in my story are ShadowSpirt020 and supersandman86. Two of best fans and authors I know. Geeze. I know it looks similar but seriously...Can we give me a chance before saying I stole, or copied the idea because mine is nothing like YOPS. Thank you! Onward with chapter 2.]
2; Try Something For Me.
{Astrid's POV}
I stared at the screen of my laptop after hearing this young man talk finally after maybe 10 seconds of silence. For a second, I thought it was just a prank caller given this was the second time this number called and like the first it had been silent to start but yet this time the person on the other line talked. It was a young man, who sounded miserable and out right stated his problem that he wanted to kill himself because he felt like no one cared or would miss him. Most of the callers to the hotline weren't so bold in their reasons for calling or sugar coated it but this guy hadn't held back. She took a silent breath in and let it out. Now it was time for her to do her job. Help him no longer feel that way.
"Alright. I can help you not want to feel that way but first I need to ask if you have anything near you that you can harm yourself with?" It was a standard question to ask, especially for the callers who were bold in admitting they wanted to die right away. In these cases, if the caller was already hurting themselves then by law of the Archipelago the intern had to turn the call over to the professionals. If the caller was trying to hurt themselves already, then the professionals worked close with the police to find the caller and stop any potential suicides.
{Hiccup's POV}
I listened to her, asking if I had anything near me that I could hurt myself with. Of course I did, I was just cutting myself a few minutes ago before calling. Why lie about it? "Yes...I have...my cutting knife on the bed with me...I was...cutting before I called this number..." He admitted softly, ashamed almost. Why did cutting seem so bad all of a sudden.
"Are you still cutting yourself?" She asks.
"No...I-I had...called this number by accident a few hours ago...I-I'm sorry for hanging up." I didn't know why I was revealing all this suddenly. "I-I was...about to kill myself when I remembered this number...was a crisis hotline and...I just...thought I'd give it a try to see...if someone could change my mind..."
{Astrid's POV}
So it was him who called only by accident but then he decided to call back when he wanted to kill himself. That was fine, she could work with that. "Its alright, a lot of people call by accident. Our number is similar to another one, don't even worry about it. What matters is that you recognized this number is one to call for help when you feel like you want to harm or kill yourself, and that you chose to call it again." I reply softly. "You're very honest in your feelings, its commendable. So thank you." I add hoping to make him feel a little better. "I can help you. First I need you to make sure that knife is far away, and that your take care of your wrists. Can you do that for me?" I ask softly.
"Y-Yes..." Whew, okay at least he was working with me. I hear some shuffling then he returns. "Okay...I wrapped my wrists...and got rid of the knife."
"Thank you. I feel we should first become less like strangers. I'm Angel, who do I have the pleasure of speaking with tonight?" I ask him, sometimes it helped. I was just going through the basic steps now of trying to make the caller feel a little comfortable. I could tell he was nervous that he called and wasn't sure what to do or how to feel about it.
{Hiccup's POV}
I hadn't really gotten rid of my knife, it was just tucked back between my mattress and box spring. I did apply a little cream to my arms to keep from infection and the stinging from fresh cuts but its not like this girl could see me right now so what would she do. She'd said she liked my honesty, I saw no reason to lie. I wanted to die right now, while dad was at work and Heather was busy. I had the chance to and instead I called this hotline hoping that someone could change my mind, give me a reason to want to keep living. This girl worked for a suicide prevention hotline, she had to get 100's of calls daily from people like me. She was just reading off a card or whatever, she didn't know me personally. I rolled my eyes when she gave me her name again.
'You answered the call and gave me your name, why are you introducing yourself again?' I couldn't give her my real name. Not that it mattered, no one cared about me anyway but still. Her real name probably wasn't Angel, so why should I give my real name. "Ryder..." I reply. It was simple, and easy.
"Its nice to meet you, Ryder. Now lets change your mind about wanting to die, can you tell me why you feel like wanting to end your own life. You said you were going to tonight until you remembered this was a crisis hotline and you stopped yourself to call." Angel asks me.
I sigh, why did I call this number? Its all standard questions. This girl didn't know me or anything, why did she care if I died or not? "My life doesn't mean anything to anyone. I'm a loser at home and at school, everyone hates me. Even my dad..." I tell her.
"Now I'm sure that's not true. Not everyone hates you, I don't. What about siblings? Or teachers?" She says.
"I'm a straight A, apparently a model student...My teachers adore me. My sister loves me too...But to everyone else I'm just waste of space and time. There's people who hate the fact they breathe the same air as me...I just...have no reason to keep living...I'm sick and tired of waking up and knowing no one gives a damn...And I know I have my sister but...She'd be fine...She has dad. He wouldn't care if I was gone..." I look down not wanting to cry. It hurt to know my dad didn't care, that Heather was all he cared about. Heather and finding my mother's killer or at least her body, then the killer.
"If you want to cry, I won't mind. This is good actually, why don't you tell me more? About your life, or school? Give me a feel for how you feel. I can only help you if you make me understand." She said. I can hear the smile in her tone, I know she's trying to help but nothing could help me. Except maybe my mom miraculously being alive and returning. Dad didn't hate me before then...We were all a happy family until that night.
{Astrid's POV}
I felt bad for him. Sure I'd gotten callers like him before but this one felt personal almost, which was forbidden in this field. We weren't supposed to associate ourselves with callers, or get personal with them. Just hear them out, offer advice or techniques that could help them. I understood he wanted to die but he was a straight A student? That was actually a good accomplishment. And he had a sister who cared for him? Why did he want to die so badly? I did what I could, and asked him to tell me more. Maybe he just needed someone to listen to him, to hear how he was feeling. That's all a lot of people needed, was just someone to listen to them.
It didn't take very long after I'd told him it was okay to cry before I heard muffled sobs on his end. "My home life sucks, so does my school one. At home I'm just...a slave boy. I'm in charge of every chore in the house. My sister is a daddy's girl, I was a mama's boy until she died. My sister and I are twins but my father loves her more. Every time he talks to me its with scowl wondering why I'm still there. My school life is filled with endless degrading and bullying. I just...can't take it anymore. I never did anything to anyone...I just...was born and everyone hates me. That's why I want to die...People would be happier if I was gone...No more...useless me around." He tells me and I fought the urge to demand to know where he was so I could just hug him.
Maybe I wasn't cut out for this job. Though I heard the same things every day almost, it never got easier to dissociate myself with callers in an attempt to not get personal. I had to stay calm, I couldn't get close to them. For now, I had to calm him down. He said he'd been cutting before calling and already said too that he called in hopes someone could change his mind about wanting to kill himself. She worried that if she didn't calm him down, he might just hang up and go through with it. "Ryder, killing yourself won't make people happy. It will make them sad, your sister would be upset. And your teachers too." I try to tell him.
"No! No one would care. If I didn't show up tomorrow, I would just be assumed to be sick and then overlooked. Just one more kid at BHS that died. And my father would only care that the dishes didn't get done. No one would care. I don't have friends. I don't have anybody...And I'm sick of it. I just...don't want to be here anymore..." Ryder snapped back. BHS? Is that what he said? BHS stood for Berk High School, did he go there? To my school? Was this someone I knew? That didn't matter right now! Whoever he was, he needed help. I got worried, I'd seen this before in other callers. Where they only convinced themselves more with anger that they didn't matter, the last time this happened I had to turn the call over to my boss and then that same caller was hospitalized 2 hours later after trying to hang herself.
"Hey, hey...Listen to me. You called this number for help right? Then let me help you. I can't if you're going to yell at me, Ryder." I say softly.
"I-I'm sorry...I'm not...mad at you...I shouldn't of called. I'll just go..." I panicked now. No, I couldn't let him get off the call. Not while he was in that kind of a mood.
"Wait!...Don't hang up...Please? Its okay that you called...You called because you wanted someone to change your mind. So you can't give up so easily. I want to try something okay? To help relax you. Will you try it with me?" I ask him.
"Okay..." I sighed in relief at his answer.
{Hiccup's POV}
I hadn't meant to yell at her, I knew she was only doing her job but I was just so frustrated with everything. I had apologized to her for snapping, and I was just going to hang up. This wasn't helping me right now, my anger was making me yell at her. It wasn't her fault everyone hated me. Just as I pulled the phone from my ear to hang up, I heard her tell me not too. Then she asked if she could try something to relax me, at first I was going to go through with hanging up but I figured what the hell could it hurt. I put the phone back to my ear and told her okay, that I would try it with her.
"Thank you, Ryder. This is something you can use on your own too, when you feel this way. You said you were a mama's boy before she died. So...I want you to take a deep breath, and close your eyes letting it out." I nod even though she couldn't see me do it and take a deep breath, I closed my eyes and let it out slow. "Good...Now with your eyes closed, I want you to think about something that makes you happy. Think about your mom...Let your memories take you back to when she was alive...Remember her." Easier said than done. Thinking about my mom only made me upset. But still, maybe this girl knew what she was talking about so I did it.
I thought back to when she was alive, the last time all of us were a happy family. It was Christmas eve, Heather and I begging our parents to let us open just one present each. They finally gave in and we were so excited. I felt a warm liquid fall down my cheeks, I was crying? But also...smiling? "I know she's gone now but she's still alive in your memories, Ryder. And if you end your life...Then you won't have these memories anymore. You're not useless, and you're not hated. Anytime you feel upset, just think of your mom. She wouldn't want you to give up your life...She loves you still." I hear Angel tell me softly. "How do you feel now?"
I couldn't lie to her, thinking about my mom...did make me feel better. I knew my mom didn't want me to die, but I just hated being...hated. This girl didn't know me but also too she sounded like she understood where I was coming from. I used my sleeve to wipe my eyes and sniffled a few times. "A little better..." I tell her.
{Astrid's POV}
Oh thank Thor. I breathed a sigh of relief that he said he felt a little better. It wasn't much but it was something for now. I calmed down my racing heart, that actually scared me to think he almost hung up and might of tried taking his own life. But I did it. I managed to calm him down and relax him a little. My heart calm now, I checked the time. '7:30'. We'd been in this call for half an hour, one of my longer times. I'd stay on with this guy all night if I had too, well as long as the boss would allow. I didn't want to just abandon him, especially knowing he apparently went to Berk High School. That meant that whoever she was talking to was a student there and she probably knew him but she didn't know a Ryder there. Was he an underclassman? He never gave a last name.
And he mentioned having a twin sister, and their mother was dead now. Who did she know who had that background? There were actually a lot of twins in the school, her own two friends Ruffnut and Tuffnut were twins too. She shook the thoughts from her head, that didn't matter. Whoever Ryder was, didn't matter to her. She was talking to him and trying to get him to change his mind about killing himself. "I'm glad. Any time you feel upset you can think about your mom, and know she's always with you. I know you feel like you have nothing to live for, or have no purpose but sometimes...It just because you haven't discovered your purpose yet. Everyone is good at something. What do you like to do for fun?" I asked him. Maybe I could get his mind off things.
"I...don't know. I just do...chores, school work...and sit in my room." Ryder said.
"That can't be all you do. Come on, you can tell me. Do you like to write, draw, dance, meditate? There has to be something that makes you happy. Everyone has something. Here, I'll tell you mine. I like to make people smile, it makes me happy. And I like to act, you know like in plays." I smile. What would it hurt to tell him? It was true. She loved helping people, it made her happy to know she helped someone feel better. And she did love to act, she wanted to be an actress, a small town one so she could still do the psychology work.
"I guess I like to...draw or sketch...I doodle a lot." Ryder replies.
"See, that's something. I bet your really good at it too. Anything else?" I ask gently relaxing in my chair.
"I-I invent sometimes...Though most of them fail and...My dad yells at me." I hear him sigh heavily. He was getting depressed again.
"Well you'll get better at it. Practice makes perfect I always say...Do you...play video games? Hang with anyone outside of school or home?" I keep going, at least he wasn't threatening to kill himself.
"I don't really have friends...My sister and me play games sometimes...I play those...MMO games."
"Mass Multiplayer Online games? I know a few people who play those actually. I do too from time to time, I like the dragon ones." I reply now.
"Really?"
"Of course. They are fun." I couldn't say more than that or it'd get personal. I needed a new topic. He said he liked to draw, I could use that. "What types of things do you draw? Nature, animals, people?" I ask.
A little...bit of everything I guess...My mom loved nature so I do a lot of that...There's...a forest behind my house I go in a lot to draw..."
"That must be relaxing for you, drawing nature makes you feel closer to her. Be careful in the forest though, I heard there can be wild animals..." I warn gently. There were always reports of bear, lion, or wolf attacks on the news or in the paper. Hunters were actually out looking for a rare bear that had reddish fur and people were calling the Red Death, so far responsible for killing campers and the death toll was bordering 12 in the last 3 weeks. Not exactly comforting.
"I don't wander far...maybe a half mile or so...And I'm always back before dark...Or dad will bite my head off..."
I frowned, everything seemed to go back to his dad not caring or yelling at him. It made me wonder if his father really did hate him which I found hard to believe. Parents couldn't actually hate their kids could they? I shook it off. "That's good." I wasn't sure what else to say. It seemed like Ryder's mood evened out now but I knew better. Checking the clock it was now 8pm. 2 hours until her shift ended. I heard something on his side, a door slamming and a rough voice.
"I—I'm sorry...I have to go...He's home...Thank you...for tonight...It helped. Bye!" Before I could even ask what happened, the line disconnected. I watched the call sit back in the temporary list and sat back in my chair sighing. He sounded so scared when this male evidently came home. Was it his father? Ryder wasn't being abused was he? It worried me deeply but what could I do? I was forbidden to call back and he said he had to go. I pressed the space bar on my laptop which would mean no calls would come to me, I took off my headset and set it down. I needed a drink of water or something.
{Hiccup's POV}
I was actually feeling a lot better talking with Angel, someone who listened to me and showed an interest but still I knew she probably did this will thousands of other callers too. It still felt nice for a little while. I heard the door open downstairs, then slam shut. Dad was home early, I panicked and quickly said good bye then hung up. I felt bad but I couldn't let dad catch me on the phone. I put it beside me, and quickly unlocked the door knowing he'd come upstairs. I relaxed in bed as much as I could making it look like I was reading a book. The door opened without a knock as I expected. I put the book down seeing him there.
"Welcome home father." I greet him as I sit up casually.
"You cleaned the house I see." Stoick retorted. I nodded.
"Y-You told me too." I reply hoping he wouldn't be mad. I didn't need it tonight. I was alright for the moment.
"Good. Its late...Go to sleep." Stoick then left the room. I looked at the clock, it was only 8:10pm...But I wouldn't argue with him. I shut my night table light off and laid down staring up in the darkened room. I really wished I hadn't had to get off with Angel so soon. I sighed now reaching for my phone, I saw the hotline's number again and this time I saved it as a contact. Maybe I'd call again, I didn't know but for now at least it was there if I did. I closed my eyes and surprisingly fell asleep not long after.
{Astrid's POV}
I returned from getting a drink to see Ryder's number still in the hold queue. I bit my lower lip a little wondering if he was alright. He sounded so afraid and I contemplated telling my boss about it, if there was abuse of any kind we were to report it. What did I do here? I wanted to make sure he was okay but it was forbidden to call back without permission that and if I called back it would come through as a different number meaning the one to just my desk. That's how the office was set up. The hotline number was a one way, when a caller called they would get sent to every line available. Then one of the workers would pick up. If the caller requested a call back for whatever reason or wanted to speak to that worker again, then the worker would call back from their desk phone and the caller would have the desk number, also they would be sent an e-mail in case calling wasn't available.
But I couldn't just call back, he said he had to go. I sighed just praying to Odin he was alright and if he needed help again he would call the number. She was working the next 2 days, maybe he would? It was bad that I wanted him to call because it would mean he wasn't okay but something about this Ryder drew me in and I wanted to help him more than anyone else. But I couldn't right now. I'd have to just wait and hope he was okay. It's all I could do. I saw another caller come through, and connected. I might as well actually do some work besides sit around moping. I had to forget it. Workers couldn't get personal no matter how much they wanted too.
