Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or its characters.

Rating: T

Summary: Addison moved back to New York with Mark when he asked her at the beginning of season 3. Now, close to Christmas Addison makes a dreaded discover.

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Scratch

Chapter 1: Can't Let Go

Well I cant let go
No, I cant let go of you
Youre holding me back without even trying to.
I cant let go
I cant move on from the past
Without lifting a finger youre holding me back
.

- Landon Pigg

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Addison didn't wait for a reply as she walked briskly out into the cold. He took off after her shouting,

"Addison, Addi! Wait!"

She didn't look back as she climbed into her car, started it and pulled out of the parking lot quickly.

Mark swore loudly as he watched her drive away and climbed into his own car. He didn't have to watch the direction her car was headed to determine where she was going. He knew where she'd end up.

It took almost ten minutes to get there and when he got there he pulled into the driveway quickly and got out of the car. He jogged up the front steps and pushed the door of Addison and Derek's old house open.

He found her sitting on the steps with her head in her hands. He approached quietly and sat down, slipping his hand around her shoulder,

"Come on Addi, we can do this. I mean, you're 34 and I'm 35, we can handle a baby."

She looked up at him with a look of disbelief, "It's not your baby Mark…it's Derek's."

He dropped her shoulder just as fast as he'd taken it, "What?"

"Come on Mark, we've only been together a month.'

"So it still could…? Ok, we'll take this one step at a time. Are you sure you're pregnant?"

"Well, when the stick turns pink it's a pretty good…"

He interrupted her, "They can be wrong."

She sat in silence as he waited for a reply.

"You want this baby don't you?" He questioned suddenly, as though he hadn't considered that proposal before.

"Mark, I'm almost 35 I'm not getting any younger here. This may be my only chance at having a happy, healthy baby."

He was nodding, "Ok…"

"I need to take another test." She murmured, "I need to make sure."

He slipped his hands around hers and squeezed before pulling her to her feet, "Come on,

We'll get you another test. There's bound to be a drug store open somewhere around here."

She nodded briskly and followed him out, locking the door to the old house behind her.

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It took them almost 30 minutes to find a drug store that was still open on Christmas Eve. When they did Addison refused to let Mark go in for her, and darted in to purchase a two pack of pregnancy tests.

When she climbed back into the car she dropped them on the floor and sat in silence while Mark drove home. It seemed to take hours to get home when in reality it was only about ten minutes.

As they pulled up in front of the house she reclaimed her bag and followed Mark into his house. Before he could say anything she went up to their bedroom with the adjoining bath and locked herself in the latter.

Mark sat on the bed and waited impatiently for her to reemerge. After only a few minutes she did and sat next to him on the bed.

"So?" He enquired.

"We have to wait five minutes." She said, tapping her knee anxiously.

She rose and paced back and forth, chewing on a nail. She never chewed her nails; it was an old habit she'd managed to quash a long time ago.

"Addi, stop." He said, reaching up and removing her hand from her mouth.

"How long?" She asked.

He looked at his watch, "1 minute, 34 seconds to go."

She nodded quickly and resumed pacing. The minute passed slowly, but finally Mark said,

"Ok, go."

She practically knocked the door off its hinges trying to get into the bathroom as quickly as possible. When she came out she was carrying the test, refusing to look at it.

"You tell me." She said, handing the test to him.

He took it awkwardly, not quite enthusiastic about holding pee on a stick. He looked at it and his face became puzzled,

"What am I looking for?"

Addison snatched the test away from his and looked at it for a moment before a smile began to tug on her lips.

"Well? What is it?" Mark demanded.

"It's positive…I'm having a baby…" The thought played on her a moment and she began to feel a little shaky.

Mark noticed and immediately took her arms, guiding her to the bed,

"Here, sit down a minute."

He got her a glass of water and handed it to her. She took a long sip and waited until her hands stopped trembling to say,

"Well, how's that for a Christmas surprise."

Mark sat down next to her and took her hand, squeezing it gently, "How you doing? Are you ok with this?"

She took a long time before nodding, "But let's forget about it for now, it's Christmas Eve."

He gave her a strange look before nodding. "Ok."

She changed into a pair of warm pajamas and went to wait for him downstairs. When he came into the living room he handed her a mug of hot chocolate and a blanket then went to turn on the Christmas tree.

Addison sighed deeply as the Christmas tree lit up the room, flashing lights across all corners. Mark settled down next to her and turned on a Christmas CD.

He slipped his arm around her shoulder and she curled up into his body.

"So when are you going to tell Derek then?"

Addison shot Mark a deadly look, "We're not discussing this. Remember?"

"Yeah, yeah." He said, kissing the top of her head, but he let the subject go. She would talk about it when she was ready.

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Mark woke again the following morning as Addison left the bed and ran to the bathroom, hand clamped over her mouth. Mark sighed a little but slid over the side of the bed and into the bathroom.

He wrapped his hand around her hair, pulling it away from her face, and rubbed her back gently until she'd finished being sick. She sank down against the wall and he handed her a glass of water.

"Well at least we know why you've been sick. How many times has it been this morning?" He asked, rubbing his temples.

"Four." Addison croaked, taking a sip of water, "But it could be anything, food poisoning, the flu…"

"…pregnancy?" Mark shot.

She glared at him, "Still not talking about it."

He sighed, "Addison, we're going to your mother's this afternoon. Are you really not going to talk about it? You're not going to tell her?"

Addison pulled her knees to her chest and leaned her head down, burying her face,

"I don't know."

He took her hands and pulled her up from her position on the floor, "Come on Addi. I'll make you some tea and we'll see if it settles your stomach. Then we can do Christmas."

She followed him wearily and sat at the kitchen table as he prepared her an herbal tea. He handed it to her and sat down across from her. She gingerly took a sip and leaned back in her chair,

"This isn't quite how I imagined Christmas would be." She said softly.

"I know." Mark said, trying to soothe her, "But just think, next year you'll have a baby to do this with."

Addison couldn't help but smile, "That will be weird."

Mark rose from his spot, "Come on, let's open gifts before you have to throw up again."

Addison chuckled and allowed him to lead her to their Christmas tree. She sat down on the couch and tucked her legs up beneath her.

He rustled under the tree for a moment before pulling out several boxes with her name on them. Handing them to her, he accepted the kiss and "Merry Christmas" she offered him.

She slipped her fingers carefully under the tape and slid the box open to reveal the new pair of Jimmy Choo's she'd been drooling over just weeks earlier.

"Oh Mark." She breathed as she slipped them on, "They're gorgeous."

She took a moment to admire them before ripping open her other gifts: new pajamas and a silk blue housecoat, a Crabtree and Evelyn bath set, a set of diamond earrings and a new pair of navy blue scrubs. Finally she unwrapped the last large box.

She gasped slightly as she pulled back the tissue paper to reveal a soft cream, wool Prada jacket. She pulled it from the box and slipped it over her pajamas. It fell just above her knees and cinched nicely at the waist to emphasize her hourglass figure.

Mark smiled as he watched her reaction, "Now I guess it won't fit for long. But I couldn't very well return it last night. A little more notice would have been needed…"

She smirked, "I wouldn't have let you take this back anyways."

He chuckled as she continued, "Besides, I won't be showing for another few months so until then I'll wear it. After that, I just won't do it up."

She removed the coat and laid it among her other presents and pulled out Mark's packages. She watched as he opened them and grinned at his reactions. There was the scotch she knew he loved, and a new pair of shoes. As he finished opening those she stood up,

"The next one, you need to go downstairs to see."

He followed her to the steps and into the basement of the house. She flicked on the lights to reveal his second present, a pool table. He simply stood in awe for a moment before turning around and kissing her,

"Thank you!" He managed to stutter as he went over to it.

"Now, I don't play pool. You'll have to invite some of your guy friends over. Actually, Katie plays pool…she could kick your ass in pool!"

Mark shot her an evil look, "Could not."

Addison shrugged, "I guess we'll find out. They're coming over for New Years Eve."

Addison managed to tear him away from the table long enough to pack an overnight bag for their trip to her mother's. As soon as he'd finished however, he returned to the table to admire it.

Addison remained in their bedroom after she'd finished packing. She went into their bathroom and slipped her top over her head so she was only in a bra. She stood so her profile was visible in the mirror and touched her stomach gingerly. She didn't look any different; her stomach was still flat as always. But she felt different. Not in a physical kind of way but a mental kind of way.

As she heard Mark coming up the stairs she quickly slipped her shirt over her head and returned to their room to close up the bags. He smiled and slipped his arms around her waist.

"Ready to go?" He asked.

She nodded and turned around to kiss him gently on the lips, "Thank you for the wonderful Christmas."

He shrugged, "Yeah, I do what I can."

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TBC…