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Almosts Lost to Time
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If there was one thing her trials had taught her, it was that ignorance was not bliss. Ignorance gets you and many others killed. That was why the Ministry of Magic was transparent in its workings with any rogue witch or wizard that popped up now. The public needed to be informed within 24 hours of the Minister; to have a functioning government, there needed to be trust, both ways, between the citizens and the officials.
It was harder to work with Parliament because she didn't hold the same influence as she did in the Wizarding World. That was why she made connections with those in higher places that could influence the transparency. Most laughed off her efforts. Transparency puts the country in danger, was the response she received when questioned why they wouldn't help her. She knew that the public didn't need to know everything but they did deserve to know when their lives were in danger. It was the moral thing to do. That just gained her another round of laughter.
Hermione pressures her not to give up. She needed to continue to build her case until it couldn't be ignored. And that was what she did. Her work in MI6 gave her a frame of what the public should and shouldn't be told. She wanted the people in charge to be held accountable to their actions in regards to public safety. Fudge had gotten off with nothing but a slap on the wrist for his involvement in allowing Voldemort to grow unchecked for more than a year and the slander of a teenage girl who couldn't defend herself because she wasn't given a chance. She gained a lot of insight in her time at MI6.
This was why she was preparing for anything and everything in this next fight she was about to enter. She had no idea how long it was going to last but she was damn sure going in prepared to win.
She needed more information, she needed to find James Barnes. That was step one; two and three were still in the works. This was the main reason why she requested to be a representative in the G8 Summit that was to be held in Georgia, USA the beginning of June. Her request was granted mainly, as Hermione pointed out, her status and potential influence was to important to ignore.
The United States was the only solid foundation she had on Barnes. She knew there had to be files or something on the former soldier from his time in the Howling Commandos. It was all very confusing as she had no idea where to even start. How do you look for a ghost who has been 'dead' for the past 60 years?
Surprisingly, it was relatively easy, seeing as he came to her. She walked into her hotel room's kitchen to find him sitting at the table, waiting for her. Walking cautiously, Rynan took her time to observe him. He looked better than the last time she saw him. He was out of his battle suit, donning a pair of jeans and a worn jacket paired with a ball cap. She was tense as she stopped just outside the kitchen area; she was unaware of his mind set but when he made no move to attack her, she relaxed, marginally.
He hadn't killed her yet, that had to mean something.
"Tea?" It was so British, Rynan wanted to laugh. James didn't seem to get it though. She poured him a cup anyway. "Did you get your memories back?"
She was curious, it had been a little over a month since he had attacked her and they hadn't been able to find any mention of him. Rynan didn't know if that was a good thing or not. When he had left her unconscious, he hadn't been in the best state of mind. Frankly, Rynan was surprised he wasn't attacking her for what she did to him. If someone had torn through her mind like that (Snape) she would've attacked them.
"Who are you?" His voice was rough, from disuse Rynan imagined. She hadn't heard him speak before besides a whispered "Steve".
How did she answer that? He wasn't moving but it didn't mean he couldn't easily attack. His posture was defensive, like he was expecting an attack, be it from her or someone else. She had no doubt he was carrying more than a handful of weapons on his person.
"You were sent to kill me, so you tell me." It wasn't meant to be accusatory but James still tensed. "You didn't, why?"
What was wrong with her?! Seriously, the man attacked her and she was making small talk with him. Maybe she had taken a few too many bludgers to the head. But she knew what it was like to not be in control of your actions. It had happened to her and she had seen it happen to others. It took heavy thinking and forgiveness to look past the actions of those Imperiused.
"You helped me even as I tried to kill you." He sounded so baffled, people weren't supposed to help their would-be killer, right?
Both their tea's laid untouched, the steam shimmering in the dull lighting of the kitchen as it rose from the scorching liquid.
"I know what it's like to not be in control of your actions. You aren't a killer James." She remembered how many times it took for her to accept the deaths at Hogwarts hadn't been her fault. She would remind him every time she saw him. His memories had affected her in ways nothing had in years. She knew what it felt like to fight off the Imperius Curse, to do thing you never wanted to do, but that was barely a fraction of what he was suffering.
He seemed to shut down after that. He didn't touch anything and he was gone by the time Rynan cleared up, her offer to stay the night ignored. Rynan still didn't know how much he remembered but at least he hadn't attacked her, that had to count for something, right?
Rynan had a fundraiser to attend before she returned home and honestly, she was ready to see Teddy and the Weasley's again. These people just rubbed her the wrong way. She was used to people wanting things from her because of her fame but it was always the politics that made her skin crawl. She knew not all of them were alike but it seemed like everyone here had an agenda besides supporting the veterans at the Memorial Day fundraiser. Though she hadn't been personally involved in the summit meeting, she was able to glimpse how global politics worked. It was something she would one day like to be a part of, if not in the muggle world than the magical one.
The fundraiser was a nightmare, her only highlight was meeting a group of WWII veterans one of whom had made up his mind that he was going to get a kiss from the 'gorgeous gal whose passion rivaled Captain America's'. She was pretty sure there was a proposal in there somewhere but he had had a little too much to drink by then. It was close to midnight when she managed to wrangle her way from meeting another sponsor.
Her flight was bright and early the next morning. She would've loved to have taken a portkey but for appearances sake, she had to use an aeroplane. With all the media that had been focused on her the past few days, Rynan managed to go unnoticed both at the airport and on the plane. It was hilariously pathetic. She even sat commercial! She just had to wear her casual clothes: straight legged jeans paired with combat boots, a flimsy Puddlemore United T-shirt, and a newsboy hat.
It was only when she landed at Heartrow that someone recognized her: a little girl at the luggage claim. Rynan waved and held a finger to her lips. No need for the paparazzi to know she was here. She needed to make a stop at Charing Cross Road before she picked up Teddy. It had been a while since she had left him for longer than two days.
She wondered what HYDRA was getting up to at the moment. They hadn't tried assassinating her again which could only mean their priorities had shifted, she could only guess they were looking for James. This quiet didn't mean she let her guard down though. If she had learned anything about evil organizations, it was that they never gave up. So while they were quiet now, they could easily send someone else to finish the job and they knew about Teddy. She couldn't take that chance.
Her only consultation was that they didn't have James.
/
"Do we have any leads on the Asset?" A calm but rough voice demanded.
The dark skinned male in front of him resisted the urge to fidget. They had all communications, video, and surveillance being monitored. But the Asset had been trained to avoid all of these. He knew how to move to avoid cameras and his cellphone was no longer on his person. They had found it a week after he had gone rogue, laying on a table in an abandoned building of a former HYDRA base in Russia. Because of his memory wipes, he shouldn't have knowledge of the base. It's led them to conclude that he was regaining some of his memories; how much was still undetermined because they haven't been able to get a single lead on him!
"We're still looking sir but he was trained to specifically avoid all forms of identification. We believe that he may be regaining his memory. He'll be confused, disoriented. Perhaps we can use this to our advantage. He'll be returning to where his memories take him. If we can station agents at the other bases, it's a chance, but we may be able to capture him."
The other man turned to his window, it had been a very troubling last few weeks. "Do we know why the programing has been compromised?"
"No sir. All protocols were followed up until we lost contact with him. It must be why Rynan Potter survived."
Yes, Rynan Potter. She was proving to be more of a problem than anticipated. She would live for now, if only because her security was tighter and more alert at the moment. They would have to wait for the frenzy to die down and her guard to drop. He would have his people in Parliament keep a close eye on her for now.
HYDRA had other things to focus on besides Rynan, like getting their Asset back.
/
James found his way back to Rynan a few weeks later, around early July. Rynan wasn't actually aware of it for the first few months. James came almost every night to check on her. By morning he would be gone and Rynan would be none the wiser.
Rynan only became aware of this nightly ritual when she woke up to footsteps in the hallway. The wards hadn't gone off so the person didn't have malice intent towards them but Rynan wasn't willing to take that chance. Her doors already charmed to be quiet, she opened the door slowly to see where the intruder was. She gripped her wand a little tighter when she saw the metal arm that had haunted her dreams for months. But he looked different from the last two times she had seen him. She could only see him from the back but he looked lost, like he didn't know his place in the world and he was doing this out of guilt. She quietly retreated after setting up stronger wards around Teddy's room.
The next night she made sure to set out a blanket and pillow along with a tooth brush and soap. Like she had expected, nothing had been touched. It was 23 days before anything changed. It was subtle but Rynan swore that the tooth brush was slightly moved and damp. It gave her hope, hope that she hadn't completely destroyed his mind. Over the next few days, Rynan noticed more and more changes. The tooth brush was definitely being used, as was the first-floor shower. The new shirt and coat had also been taken. It was a victory in her eyes.
It was two months later that the pattern changed. Unable to fall back asleep and feeling restless for the first time in weeks, Rynan left her room to make a cup of tea. It had to be 04:00, no one should be up. But someone was up: James was leaning quietly against the countertop. Rynan knew he had heard her coming down the stairs. He'd had time to run but here he was. He stayed until just before the sun began to rise. They hadn't talked but, like before, Rynan could see a change in the former assassin. He started to stay longer and longer, sometimes Rynan could even get him to stay while she made breakfast.
She was walking down from another nightmare when she saw him folding up the blankets and pillow she had given him months ago. She kinda stood there, mouth agape – she had never seen him use them before. They rarely talked, Rynan was always the one that initiated conversations but James was just full of surprises.
"S'not polite to leave a mess when you're a guest." He mumbled as he set the material in the side drawer.
Rynan looked at him – she was doing a lot of that – trying to decide why he was doing this, why he was here?
"You're the only one I know who won't try to use me." James wasn't really sure why he kept coming back but the only clear, indisputable thing he knew was that Rynan Potter was not HYDRA and wouldn't try to use him like they had. At her inquiring look, he felt himself chuckle for what felt like the first time, her expression was so open. "The question was across your face. As a politician I would've thought you'd be harder to read."
"I must've taken too much Sleeping Draught because James Barnes did not just make a joke." Shaking her head, she finally made her way to the kitchen for her cup of tea, honestly, at this point she was leaning more towards the Firewhiskey but she had to take Teddy to primary school in a few hours and she couldn't be drunk. She heard James follow her; they were treading in new territory now. "How long have you been sleeping here. Those sheets are always in the same spot every morning when I get up."
"Eight days." It was clipped like all their previous conversations had been. Eight days…that was a few days after she had told him about the wards around the house when she was trying to get him to relax.
"You can sleep more than 4 hours." She had went to bed at midnight, work keeping her up late. James couldn't have been there more than 4 hours.
He was casing the kitchen, like he did every morning; it kept him alert and moving, something she noticed calmed him. "I don't require much sleep. The mission is more important than sleep."
Rynan poured the hot water over her teabag, pouring a second cup for James, like she always did. "So you didn't sleep much with HYDRA? How could you function if you were tired?"
"Exhaustion is not a concept an Asset knows. It is weakness and there is no weakness in HYDRA." A robotic response, like he had been condition to reply to any form of functionality. But he wasn't with HYDRA, he was with her and she wouldn't accept this answer.
"Being tired is part of being human; it's not a weakness."
"No, but memories are." He had tried to sleep in what windows of time he could find but it never worked. His memories, at least he assumed they were memories, woke him up within a few hours if he was lucky. Sleep was the enemy.
"Yeah, memories have a way of being our worst enemy."
He studied her. He still didn't know anything about her beyond what HYDRA had briefed him on. Sure, she had explained that she was a witch but nothing to indicate what had happened in her past. She carried herself like a soldier and she talked like one.
"If it helps, you can have the guest room down the hall. I'm not using it for anything and you can keep your things here while you're…where ever you go during the day." She waved off, not really knowing what he did during the day.
It was mid-November now and the chill was setting in at night. She knew it probably didn't faze him but she remembered sitting in the cupboard, shivering and miserable. She would feel better, even if he didn't use it, now that she offered it to him. Rynan wasn't sure if James had realized it yet but he had a long and painful journey ahead of him. She often worried she was being too trusting, he was an assassin, but she couldn't shake the images she had seen. Her heart and mind compelled her to help him.
James was in the kitchen doorway now, the perfect spot for an assassin in the entire house. He had a clear vantage of the backyard, the stairs, and the hallway. Every possible entrance on the ground level was covered.
His metal arm was covered but she could still imagine it choking the life out of her, the coldness creeping up her neck –
"You think you're safe but they have soldiers everywhere. Всеобъемлющий."
He was worried about her. She was his mission, his responsibility now. She was the only one he could count on and he couldn't let HYDRA get their hands on her. If they found out about her abilities, they would take her apart until she was nothing but a shell – like him.
HYDRA would never get their hands on Rynan Potter not like they had Bucky.
/
Rynan thought about what James meant by that, Всеобъемлющий. He hadn't stuck around in the mornings for the last few days but she noticed that the guest room had gained a few new trinkets. To get her mind off his confusing warning, she went shopping for him. She had only seen him in two different shirts and the same pair of jeans. He needed more clothes and with the temperatures beginning to dip in the single digits, he would stand out with only a light fall jacket. It was a nice day out, 12.2°C, so she roped Hermione into going shopping with her. Merlin knows she could barely pick out her own cloths let alone a man's. It was during this trip that she decided to break the news to her best friend. Rynan figured if there was an audience, Hermione was less likely to kill her.
"You did what?! Are you crazy, he could kill you!" Yeah, she took it better than she thought. "You are a complete fool, have you even thought about Teddy's safety!" Okay, that was pushing it. Hermione knew she would never do anything to endanger her godson.
"Just let me explain. You know what happened to him, you were all for saving him."
Hermione interrupted her before she could continue. "Yes, I was –I am– but not like this Rynan. He needs professional help. This isn't something that just goes away. He needs to get help, he needs a doctor."
If she was young, Rynan was sure she would've thrown her hands up in frustration at her friend. But she was older and had more self-control, barely.
"That's not an option. Normal doctors wouldn't understand and according to him, HYDRA has soldiers everywhere. The moment he goes to a doctor or a hospital, HYDRA will come after him. An ex-assassin with a metal arm is pretty hard to forget."
"All the more reason for him not to stay with you." Hermione hissed. "If they find out he's with you, they'll come after you again. We don't hold the cards in this Rynan. We have to play what we have carefully."
Rynan knew she was right, hell, when wasn't she right? But this wasn't something she could let go. He needed her, he wouldn't be in this confused mess if she hadn't messed with his mind.
Hermione handed her a few button downs and Henley's. It looked like something James would wear.
"He's been getting his memories back. I can tell. He gets this glaze in his eyes like he's not 'here'. He doesn't say but I can see it in his posture." Rynan held up a pair of cargo pants for Hermione to look at. She barely glanced at them before she shook her head no – rejected. "Should I try going back in his mind, help him sort them out. I think they're keeping him from sleeping."
"Mind magic is dangerous Rynan, I trust you know that. It's not something that can be patched together like a puzzle. I may not be able to perform them but I have read about nasty things that have happened to wizards that have tried to mess with Mind magic. We can control some portions of the mind with spells like Oblivate, the Imperius curse, and the Confundus charm. But we can't heal the mind, if we could – Neville's parents…"
"Yeah no, I understand. I just feel so helpless Hermione. I can tell he's confused and I can't even help because he won't talk to me! He has memories of Rogers; how am I supposed to tell him his best friend is dead!? Or do I just take the cowards way out and wait for him to find out on his own?"
Hermione didn't look up from the boots she was studying. She didn't have an answer to that. She thought of what she would want if Ron or Rynan had died. Either way was painful, she'd died both ways.
"You read the transcripts of his last mission before he went MIA. He plunged the plane into the Arctic just weeks after losing Barnes. He didn't give his coordinates to be found. I don't know but that's saying something. And if they were as close as all the reports say, he won't be able to take it."
"I don't know what you want me to say Rynan. I can't help you, not this time. I don't have the experience. This isn't something you just read in a book." Tears were gathering in her eyes. Rynan felt like suffocating, she had always been able to count on Hermione having the answer. If she didn't know how could she?
The silence stretched on as each struggled to find a solution.
"If his memories are coming back by themselves, just give it time. I can ask a few healers at St. Mungos if they have any suggestions. I think the best you can do…is just be there? He clearly trusts you, that has to mean something, right?" It wasn't often but Hermione was as clueless as her friend. Sure they had all dealt with their fair share of trauma but it was nothing compared to what James Barnes had suffered.
Their arms full of clothes for both Bucky and Teddy, the two witches make their way to the checkout, silence once again permeating around them.
It was when they were outside her house that Rynan finally broke it. "I think I just see a little bit of myself in him." They set their bags down on the couch and set about putting them in piles to wash later. "Just…don't tell Ron yet, please? You know how he gets."
Hermione hesitated. She didn't hide things from her husband, they had a pretty open relationship and he would be disappointed when he found out she had kept this from him. "Only if you tell him eventually Rynan."
"I will. I just want to get all this sorted first."
The day hadn't gone how she wanted, she was actually more conflicted than ever. What was she supposed to do?
/
She decided to take the first steps since James seemed to be comfortable where they were currently at. If he was going to be part of her life, it only made sense for him to be introduced to Teddy. It was a few days before Christmas when she decided to breech the topic with James. She didn't want to do anything he wasn't comfortable with but she couldn't justify lying to her godson anymore.
"I want you to meet Teddy, officially. It's been almost 5 months since you started coming around. It'll be good for everyone."
James wasn't sure. This was a big step from staying the night. What if her godson remembered what he had done, what if he hated him, what if he was scared of him? This wasn't something he could do. He couldn't risk messing up what little normality he had built up the last few months.
As if sensing his conflict, Rynan set down a cup of tea in front of him. "He won't hate you. He's a very understanding little boy with a big heart. If you start off with chocolate, he'll warm right up to you." James was surprised to see the other mug she set besides his. It was hot chocolate with marshmallows, cool whip, and chocolate syrup drizzles on top. He looked at her quizzically, she had cornered him. He gave a nod of acceptance.
Rynan left to wake Teddy. He wasn't going to school today, having come down with a fever and cough the night before. So this was the perfect opportunity for him to meet James.
"Hey little wolf, there's someone downstairs I want you to meet. He's a friend of Aunt Ryn's and he made something very special for you." Rynan coaxed the little metamorphmagus out of bed. He had perked up slightly at the mention of special, his godmother only ever used that word when she bought him chocolate. She grabbed his blanket and Moony to take downstairs as he brushed his teeth and went to the bathroom.
She met him at the bottom of the stairs to walk with him into the kitchen. When he saw who was at the table, he froze. He remembered this man. He was the one who hurt his godmother really bad! Teddy started to back away, he didn't want to be anywhere near this man!
Rynan, noticing the change in Teddy, took him to the doorway to talk with him. "Hey little wolf, what's wrong?"
"He's the one that hurt you! He's not your friend, friends don't hurt each other!" Teddy coughed out. He didn't want to be around that man!
"You're right, he is the one that hurt me. But he didn't want to. Bad people made him do it, bad people made him do terrible things that he had no control over." She pulled Teddy into her arms. "D'ya remember the stories I told you about your dad?"
"He was a werewolf but he was really nice but people only saw the werewolf?"
She chuckled at his answer. "That's right. He was the kindest person I had ever met but people only defined him by something he had no control over. It's the same with James. He's trying to get better and that's why he's here, I'm helping him."
Teddy looked at her, searching her face to see any deception. "So he won't hurt you again?"
"No, he won't."
"Okay." Rynan let out a sigh of relief, she hadn't expected Teddy to accept that explanation so easily. He was a good kid. She grabbed his hand and led him back into the kitchen until he was standing in front of James.
She gave James a reassuring look. "Teddy, this is James Barnes. He used to be a Sergeant in the US Army." She put as much childish enthusiasm into her voice as she could. "James, this is Teddy, my godson."
James and Rynan waited with baited breath for Teddy to make the first move.
Teddy's eyes focused on the two mugs in front of James. "Are you drinking my hot chocolate?! Aunt Ryn makes my coco the same way!" James gave Rynan a hesitant look but she just raised her eyebrows.
"No, I'm not drinking it. It's actually for you, Potter told me it was your favorite." Teddy climbed up the chair like a monkey and attacked the hot coco. James tensed, not expecting the sudden proximity of the child.
Rynan let out a sigh of relief at the end of the day. It had worked, he had one more reason to stay. Teddy had insisted James watch every movie with him, had demanded he eat lunch with him, and had even fallen asleep next to the tense Super Soldier. But Rynan had seen the way James looked at Teddy no matter how hard he tried to hide it. She didn't completely trust him around Teddy alone – he had pulled on gun on him – that would take time.
She also wanted to raise the topic with him about his memories. Hermione had gotten back to her and the only suggestion the Healers had was for James to talk about it and if he wasn't ready for that, to write them down.
James thought it would be good to write down what he remembered. It would help him chronicle what he remember and where the gaps were. So Rynan bought him five journals to begin with. She had set the ground rules with them before he even wrote one word down: These were his writings and no one else's, she would never read them without his permission, she would never touch them without his permission. They were his to do with as he pleased.
It seemed to work. James had been spending more and more time around them. Where before he only stayed till the sun began to rise, now he was there when Teddy woke up and there after supper. Rynan only ever went into his room to clean his clothes but she saw three of the journals filled up already. It pulled her heart in different ways; in one, she was glad he felt comfortable enough to write them down but in the other, that he had so much to write down. She put another five on the bed for when he next came, no questions asked, just like she promised.
With her assurance that no one could see into her yard, Bucky started to go outside with Teddy. He was doing so well, Rynan hated what she was about to do to him. She was about to tear his world apart.
/
She was watching him laugh, actually full out laughing, as he picked up Teddy and ran him around the yard. She saw more and more emotion in him every day…and she was about to tear that all away from him. If she could, she wouldn't but she knew if she was in his shoes she would want to know, no matter the damage. So she had to suck it up and lock her heart away for 10 minutes.
"James." She called from the doorway. He paused to turn and look at her, Teddy's red face pressed into his shoulder as he struggled to catch his breath. "We need to talk."
Like that, he set Teddy down and strode to the door, giving her an inquisitive look. Teddy followed but Rynan sent him upstairs with much protest.
Rynan fiddled with her sleeve as she looked at the ground. She couldn't look at that face, not when she wasn't sure if she would see it again. "There's something I've been meaning to tell you but I'm…I'm not exactly sure how."
He wasn't making it any easier for her as he let her talk.
"When you…when we met, you said a name. The name was partly how I discovered your identity. I don't know if you remember –?"
"Steve Rogers." His eyes glazed over, a telltale sign he was lost in a memory. "He was my friend, best friend? Yeah, we grew up together."
So he did remember. "Ya, Steve. I'm not sure how much HYDRA told you and I know it's been over 60 years but…" Just say it, just say those words Potter. "…He went MIA just weeks after your 'death'. His body was never recovered."
Captain America is dead. He won't save you.
Steve Rogers is gone.
You will be the greatest super solider now that Captain America is dead.
Steve Rogers died because you weren't there to protect him.
…Steve Rogers
…is
…dead
"James?" Rynan cautiously inquired. She wasn't sure of his thoughts; she saw his body tense but he had yet to move.
It was like he was reliving it all over again. The memories of them taunting him for over 15 years with his death. It never got old for them, the wound always fresh. Steve had always been his to protect, even as Captain America. Steve couldn't be dead, it was implausible, it was unthinkable, but the newspaper was very clear in the country's remembrance of the American hero, as were the Soviet's papers applauding the downfall of the Super Soldier.
"I told him not to do anything stupid. The punk was always so reckless." He didn't even realize his body was shaking. Rynan moved to grab his hand but he stood quickly, avoiding the contact.
I'm following him.
Don't do anything stupid till I get back.
It'll be fun, I promise!
I had him on the ropes.
The thing is, you don't 'ave to. 'Cause I'm with you till the end of the line.
It hurt and he wasn't sure what was hurting, if it was his head or his heart. It didn't matter cuz he felt like he was back with HYDRA, it was all a bad dream. A world without Steve wasn't a world worth living in to Bucky.
"I need some air." And like that, he was gone. Rynan had been prepared for this, she had planned it all out in her head but nothing could prepare her for the emptiness that swept across her body as she watched him walk away. This was something he needed to process by himself. She gave him every reason she could for him to stay, she only hoped he realized that and came back.
She made sandwiches, leaving a few on the counter for James, and made her way up to Teddy's room. She was exhausted and wanted to forget about what she'd had to do. Teddy was always good at comforting her. He gladly showed her how much he had been practicing his abilities. He could change his hair and eye color along with his ear shape. Before she knew it, she was asleep next to Teddy. The next morning wasn't so good. Teddy wasn't exactly a calm sleeper. She had a few bruises on her ribs and back and a creak in her neck. She disentangled her godson from the covers so she could escape and start breakfast. She was ignoring the tiny voice in her head for the moment.
His presence was noticeably absent in the kitchen. The sandwiches were untouched. He didn't show up for breakfast. Making her way to his room, she discovered his emergency backpack missing along with his journals.
Space, she reminded herself, all he needed was space.
/
The first few days after were nightmares. Teddy wanted to know where James had went. If he was coming back. Was it his fault he had left?
To take their mind off the missing member of their trio, Rynan scheduled a visit to Hogsmead to meet up with Neville, Luna, Ginny, Hermione and Ron. It wasn't a Hogsmead weekend so the small village was quiet. It had been months since Neville and Luna had seen Teddy so they were able to keep the little boy occupied for a few hours. Hermione and Ginny noticed that something was bothering the last Potter immediately. Leaving her child with the boys and Luna, the two women demanded Rynan tell them what happened.
"I told him. He just needs space. He'll be back when he sorts everything out." Hermione understood immediately while Ginny stared at her sister in all but blood in confusion. Rynan messed with her wand, creating little slashes of water and charming the liquid into little schools of fish as Hermione filled Ginny in. Damn, she had really gotten good at this.
Ginny leaned back, trying to figure out what to say. "So you let your would-be killer live with you?"
Hermione rolled her eyes at the flippantly way Ginny described it. "No one claimed she was a genius or had self-preservation skills."
So she had horrible friends, but they knew exactly how to distract her and Rynan was never more thankful.
It took James two weeks to return and she could tell he had done a lot of…something.
HYDRA bases across Europe had been destroyed, not that Rynan found out about that until later. He had been looking for any mention about Steve in their files, something concrete to make everything real. He couldn't stand the thought of Steve out there, forgotten, in a frozen tundra. He knew HYDRA must've launched some missions to the Arctic in a bid to find his body. He found nothing, HYDRA had found nothing. Steve had been as lost as him for the past 70 years.
It was outside Siberia – he knows he's not strong enough to confront his demons there – that he realized his mistake. He'll have time to look for Steve…when he's better. Presently, he had a new reason to get better. Rynan and Teddy had found their way into his icy heart; he wasn't sure how or when it had happened but it had. They had broken the Winter Soldier programming and had become essential to him. If he remembered anything about Steve, it was that he wanted Bucky to be happy. James may not be Bucky quite yet but he was sure that wouldn't've mattered to Steve.
James was ready to go home.
It was Saturday morning and Rynan was once again up early because of nightmares. They were getting worse. There had been a time when she thought she had them under control but now they were appearing every other night. Hermione would start to notice, she always did.
Going through the motions of her morning routine, Rynan failed to notice the hot tea prepared exactly how she liked it, sitting at the counter with a certain missing house guest. It was James moving the cup in her direction that caught her notice and she only allowed herself a second to let her shock show before she moved to sit with him.
She'd had faith he would come back.
She sipped her brew, surprised that it was perfectly made. Placing the warm porcelain between her cold hands, the witch studied Barnes, trying to discover if anything had changed. James stared back at her, sipping his own cup in silence.
"You better have a damn good excuse for Teddy when he wakes up." Rynan wasn't sure what she saw in him but she could tell he was back to stay. So for now he was off the hook, that didn't mean she would help him apologize to Teddy; that kid had been devastated when the older man had left abruptly.
James sent her a smile as he took another sip. "A hot coco should do the trick?" Chocolate was always a good bargaining chip with the seven-year-old.
"Mhm, you may have to do a little better than that." James conceded defeat. He had a few hours to figure out how to win back a seven-year-old's trust.
There was a pause as James tried to decide if he wanted to say it. Knowing how much Rynan had given up for him the past year, he knew he owed her honesty. "You only told me about Steve after I bonded with Teddy. It was a calculated move, a good one. You gave me something to come back to. Why?"
It was a question Rynan knew she couldn't ignore anymore. She had avoided it for months because she wasn't even sure why she had. Sure, she had given Hermione a reason but she wasn't even sure that was 100% true.
"…I don't know. I look at you and…it's like I'm looking at a reflection. I know what it's like to have the whole world against you and not know why. I wasn't alone though, and you shouldn't be either." Rynan sat on the stool across from James, fiddling with her mug. "People see me as this larger than life persona; it's easier to put the blame on someone you don't think of as human. The world is a very cold place when you're alone."
"And you were alone?" James was processing this new information. Rynan had never talked about her past, he was finally getting a glimpse into her nightmares. The Winter Soldier part of him filed this away under potential weaknesses.
"Partly. There were times it would've been easier, to fade away and not have anyone care. But Ron and Hermione stuck by me, there were times our bonds were nothing but pieces of thread but they never broke."
She had evaded the real question, James knew she knew what he had really been asking.
"When I was 15, the entire magical government of Britain was against me and by 17 I was on the run. Paranoia, doubt, fear, suspicion, torture…it never really leaves you, does it?" James was finally beginning to understand. Flashes of a teenage girl flickered behind his eyes. Yes, they were impressionable and scarred.
"I read about the 107th's rescue in the Second War. You were separated from the others, in a delirious state when Rogers found you. As a soldier, you must've experience great fear, the thought that any moment could be your last. I can't imagine it was any better with HYDRA?" She pushed her lukewarm tea away and looked James in the eyes. "I know the thoughts that keep you up at night, the voice that whispers in your ear. I don't want someone to go through that alone."
"Your compassion may just kill you one day. To HYDRA, compassion is a weakness. There is only pain and order."
"And that's how I know you're not with HYDRA. You have compassion, a heart that beats for freedom. I've only seen glimpses but I don't think they ever completely broke you."
James studied her. He knew the witch was evaluating him, studying his very soul.
"And if you're wrong? You'd risk Teddy's life on blind faith?" He was testing her. He knew how far she was willing to go but he had to hear her say it.
"It's not blind faith. You forget, I've been in your mind. You're a good man, James. I wouldn't let you around Teddy unless I was 100% sure of that."
He may not have his memories back but he wasn't sure it mattered if they ever would return; as long as he could stay with Rynan Potter, that was all he needed.
The house was warm, the fireplace crackling in the other room. The sun was just beginning to rise above the horizon, the soft pink and yellow rays entering the kitchen through the large windows.
/
The nightmares didn't go away but with James home, they became less frequent. They weren't her normal ones about the war, now they involved losing James and Teddy to HYDRA. James wasn't very specific about the operations of HYDRA, something with his programing he thought, but what he could tell her of their internal operations and disregard for human life had her fearing they would come after Teddy. Rynan knew that James suffered through similar nightmares; he had asked her to silence his room so he wouldn't wake the other two occupants when a nightmare struck him. She reluctantly obliged, knowing he wouldn't have asked unless it couldn't be avoided.
She dealt with them like she always did, by shoving it to the side. She had too much going on to bother with it. She still had her duties as an MP, she had parent-teacher conferences for Teddy, fundraisers to attend for both muggle and wizard affairs. She also was going to give her first lecture to the OWL and NEWT students in Defense Against the Dark Arts class. It was over seven years so there wouldn't be any familiar faces to bring back memories of the war. It was scheduled for mid-May to give the students a glimpse at how DADA is used in real life and give them a break from studying for their exams in a week.
With all this on her plate, she didn't have time for Hermione to send her for a psych eval at St. Mungos again. So she used her time in the morning productively. She sorted through the memos Kingsley had sent regarding the known Death Eaters that were still at large, the invitations to government functions as the session was winding to a close, drafts for a new veteran bill was put to the side for further work (she would have to run it pass Hermione before she submitted it to the committee), a note from Teddy's primary school teacher was also put to the side (it was the 5th one this semester, hence the conference), the outline for a new ward system finally caught her attention. This was what she had been looking for. She would have to go over the combinations with Hermione and Bill before she set them up around the house. She had never been so thankful for Percy convincing her to take Ancient Runes and Arithmancy than she was the past year. She may not have been at the top of the class like Hermione but she did fairly well in the classes, enough to create her own wards.
This was how James found her most mornings, pouring over her daily work and personal memos at the dining room table. He's pull up a chair and wrote in his journal until the sun began to rise and one of them moved to start breakfast; it was a nice routine the two had. Whoever wasn't making breakfast was in charge of waking Teddy which was a mission in and of its self.
With a makeover and a charm to change a few features and disguise his metal arm, James was ready to enter public. When asked, she told people that Harry (James) was a childhood friend who she was helping work through issues from the war and she would like it if they respected their privacy. Surprisingly, they only ever asked that once and left them alone when they were out.
James wasn't sure about being out in public, he felt too exposed but Rynan assured him that he was unrecognizable. He agreed and if she wasn't aware of the knife in his boot and the glock in his jacket, all the better. She took him shopping as their first outing. It was for all of them as spring was coming and James only had winter clothes while Teddy had outgrown his spring clothes from last year. According to Hermione, she needed more professional clothes so that was the only reason she was shopping for herself. That was the first stop so she could get the nightmare over with. There was a ministry function coming up that required dress robes so that was one item on the list.
Trying on dresses had never been fun for Rynan but she kept her mouth shut because she didn't want Teddy thinking it was okay to complain about getting clothes, not when she went her entire childhood in Dudley's hand-me-downs.
The dress shop was mainly empty, thankfully. The consultant was quick to select a few dresses that would compliment her figure and coloring. She took the five dresses to the changing room while Teddy and James took a seat.
The first one needed a little magic to zip up. Turning around, Rynan blanched at herself. No way! She may hate the dress but she needs a third party opinion since hers didn't really "qualify".
"That looks horrible! You look like a ghost." She was sure raising a critic. Rynan turned to James for his opinion. He could only stare at her. He didn't really know why she was asking for his opinion. Huffing, Rynan went back in to change.
It was the fifth dress that finally made her do a double take. The royal blue was just enough to draw attention to her but not too much. The style was new with a mix of old in the lace. She found herself loving it more and more the longer she looked in the mirror, turning around to see it from all angles. She held her breath as she walked about. Teddy was speechless for the first time all morning so that was a good sign; James on the other hand, she had seen his eyes widen slightly as he took her in.
"So, is this it? We all agree?" Not seeing any objections she walked over to the jewelry to try and match bracelets and earrings. With quick work, they were out of there after only an hour and a half, Rynan called that a successful mission. Now to get the boys clothes.
She was standing next to James, looking over the shirts when she accidentally brushed up against his side. She turned to lean in closer to prevent any eavesdroppers from listening in.
"You brought a gun?!" She hissed, exasperated. It didn't really shock her as she knew he kept weapons within reach and on his person.
"You brought your wand." James counter just as easily.
Unwilling to argue that point, Rynan turned her attention back to the task at hand so they could get out of the shop sometime today.
/
It was once again early morning that found the pair in deep discussion at the dining table. This was one of their more serious discussions. It was something that had been on James' mind since Rynan had told him about Steve. They were the only ones with information about HYDRA or even the knowledge that it was still operating. He had been able to inflict some damage, but those bases had been old, non-operational for years if not decades. He had the skills and resources to find recent HYDRA bases and actually do some good for a change. HYDRA was already looking for him; it would be a bonus if he could get them away from Rynan by his little activities. It would also give him more information on what exactly they had done to him. He knew there had to be a file somewhere. Since he was nonoperational for most of the medical procedures he wasn't fully aware of all that was done.
He knew the hardest part would be convincing Rynan to let him go. Not that she wouldn't agree with him but more that she would want to go with him or send someone with him. He couldn't let either of those happen; this was his mission, his journey.
Surprisingly, it didn't take much for him to convince her to let him go. It seems she had been expecting it for a while.
"HYDRA has bases all around the world. I can't drag you along, not when you have Teddy." James always knew what hand to play to get her to see his side. But she'd be damn if she left it at that so easily.
"I know Aurors who are specifically trained for this. A wizard will be invaluable."
"HYDRA isn't aware wizards exist. If they found out you were one –what Teddy was– they would never stop hunting you."
Rynan was pulling at anything she could think of to get him to reconsider but she knew it was a lost cause. Huffing in defeat, she relayed her stipulations.
"You check in every week, I don't care how, but I want something that shows me you're not dead. If you get hurt, you come home; if the memories become too painful, you come home. Just come home, James." Rynan knew she wasn't being fair, if their places had been reversed, she knows she would've been out the door with barely a goodbye. It was different sending out someone you care about.
She fiddled around with the dish cloth, she had never had to send someone out into such a dangerous situation. If she had been in the Aurors like Ron, she knew this would've been second nature to her by now but she couldn't do. She didn't want this to become any easier.
"I'll have Hermione send over her server information so you can send her any information you find. She'll give me the details when she's done."
"I promise, I'll come home."
"Please," Rynan pleaded "…don't make promises you can't keep. I know how this work, you can't make promises in war." James brought his nonmetal arm up to caress Rynan's face. He hated that he was the cause of her sorrow but this was something he had to do, something she knew he had to do.
"I will do everything in my power to come back to you and Teddy, doll. This is my home." He said it with such conviction that Rynan felt her heart rate pick up. He was so close, she could feel his breath on her forehead.
If he tilted her head up a little –no, he couldn't have those thoughts, not when he was about to leave her. Maybe when all this was over. James kissed her forehand, turned and gathered up his duffle bag and jacket. He had a plane to Italy to catch.
/
It was over a month since he started his missions and so far everything had gone smoothly. The bases he had discovered and destroyed were old factories that he doubted HYDRA even used anymore but the information was invaluable. With his two bases destroyed from months ago, his total was now up to five bases. He didn't want to cause too much noise just yet. HYDRA was comfortable and that made them breakable. He knew he hadn't left any trace behind but he also knew there was no other capable of achieving what he had achieved. HYDRA would've guessed who was responsible for all the destruction by now.
Like he promised Rynan, every week he sent her an email, text, or voice message, letting her know he was okay if the periodic data dumps didn't alert her to his status. He excelled in this type of work, espionage, assassination, but living with Rynan made him yearn for more, made him want something more from life. It was this yearning that took him back to London just a few days before Rynan's 26th birthday.
It was like he was the missing puzzle piece she didn't know she was looking for. They helped each other in ways they didn't realize. She knew when he needed to talk to her and when he needed to be left alone. He knew when she needed physical contact and he knew when she needed to be reassured that she was doing the right thing. They operated as a unit, maybe not a high-efficiency unit, but a functioning one nonetheless.
Called in by Kingsley about a recent Death Eater sighting that couldn't wait, Rynan resigned herself to missing super if not breakfast the next morning. This helped James though by allowing him, with the help of Hermione, set up the house for a surprise celebration. Rynan didn't particularly dislike her birthday, she didn't see the point in making a big deal out of it. She hadn't celebrated any of her birthdays for 18 years, there was no point in starting now. She avoided the Burrow the entire week of her birthday just to avoid the celebrations. This year, Hermione had roped Bucky into setting this up so she couldn't avoid it.
Quidditch posters and toys lined the walls, Teddy was personally drawing all the decorations. It was actually James' idea and Hermione loved it: they sent out letters weeks ago to all their old school friends to write letters for Rynan for her birthday. The response was extraordinary. Not only had their friends written back, they had contacted their friends for them to send in letters.
With a quick charm, Hermione had over a hundred letters floating just above their heads. She charmed them so that when Rynan walked in they would automatically start reading one by one.
Hermione also got Mrs. Weasley to bake two treacle tarts for dessert.
James hoped that he could make this birthday unforgettable for Rynan. He remembered turning 26. It was the last birthday he had spent in Brooklyn with Steve. He wanted to make sure Rynan had something like that to remember.
Rynan walked through the door, grumbling about stupid Death Eaters and paparazzi that couldn't take a hint that she didn't want to talk to them. It had been a hard day and all she wanted to do was take a hot shower and go to bed. It was this exhaustion that kept her suspicion buried as she opened the door to the unnaturally quiet house.
Voices assaulted her ears as she took in her living area. It was something out of a fairytale: Quidditch was everywhere along with streamers of red and gold. Decorating the walls were hand drawn pictures that were obviously Teddy's. Her senses were overwhelmed as she took everything in. As she was finally processing everything, the voices became audible; looking up, she could only gaze in wonder at the cards that littered the ceiling, the closest ones reading out their messages.
James quietly stood in the shadow of the stairway, watching her amazement with a smile and shining eyes. Yes, he thinks, she would definitely remember this birthday.
"Aunt Ry!" A flash of turquoise streaked out of the kitchen to embrace his godmother. "Happy Birthday!"
With her seeker reflexes, she caught her godson and pulled him into a tight hug and let him lead her to all his drawing, Teddy chatting about what each one was. The child had effectively distracted the birthday girl.
Hermione made her way out of the kitchen, having finished James' request. She took a quick but silent picture of James as he starred at Rynan. She could tell there was something more there, even if the two didn't know it yet. She joined him at the stairway, a smile her only indication that her task had been completed. The sight of Rynan completely animated as she took in her home settled whatever doubts she had about James living here. He cared about Rynan, he made her happy and that was all that mattered to Hermione. She left, knowing her best friend was in good hands.
"-is us! Me, you, and James! Aunt Hermione even took me to Grandma Molly's to get treacle tart!" Teddy was still talking about everything he had done that day. He had Rynan's undivided attention until she caught sight of a shadow in the stairway, her own personal shadow that she knew was behind all of this. Their eyes connected and Rynan felt something bloom in her chest. She had always held affection for the former Winter Soldier, that was obvious to anyone who saw them interact. This, this didn't feel quite like that.
He did all this…for her. She knew Ron or Hermione had helped him but this just screamed James.
Teddy walked her around the rest of the room but her attention was solely on the man in the shadows. And when they were finally finished, James stepped out to properly greet the birthday girl.
"Happy Birthday Potter." He had that cocky smirk Rynan was seeing more and more of. She had previously only seen them on archive files dealing with Steve Rogers and his life before Captain American. He just looked so much younger, lighter, when he had a smile plastered across his face.
"This is too much. I told you I didn't want anything." She tried to admonish him but she couldn't put much bark behind it when she absolutely loved everything.
Bucky knew he had won this argument, had won it the moment Rynan stepped foot into the house but he still had one last surprise for her. "There's one more thing." He pulled out the box Hermione had slipped him before leaving. "I know you don't like jewelry but I want you to never question your actions, not when they lead to this, to me being me."
Rynan took the box, Bucky's hand unable to move from next to his body, he was too nervous about what she would think. She gasped loudly when she opened it. Inside was a magnificently designed locket. As she took it gently into her hand, he design melted into words: Till the End of the Line. She starred at it, unable to process any thoughts. This was the first time Bucky Barnes had acknowledged this as his home. She forced herself to open it, the picture taking her breath away. It was her, laughing and carefree, unaware of the camera. Next to it was a picture of Bucky and Teddy together. It was perfect. It was her family.
/
James stayed for a week before he took off, this time to America. He promised to be back in time to see Teddy off for his first day as a Year 4 student.
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