Carlisle POV

As I got home from the hospital, I was planning on having a relaxing night at home, sitting in my cooking Speedo as I baked on my easy-bake oven. I walked in the door and I knew something was different.

"Esme? Did you rearrange the furniture again?" I yelled into the kitchen.

"No…" she said back, sounding confused.

"Did you paint the walls?"

"No!"

"Well… Did you take down those 'precious family photos' that you look like you have buck teeth in?"

"NO!!!!" she screamed. A second later I ducked out of the way of a frying pan that conveniently still had some fried fish in it. When I was picking up the fish and shoving them into my mouth, I noticed that Jasper was on the ground, screaming and writhing in pain.

"Oh my! You seem to have Screamingandwrithinginpain-itis! I know just how to fix it!" I reassured him.

"No, Carlisle!" Alice ran in with my stretcher. "He's in LABOR!"

"He doesn't even have a job…" I said, looking at her with my 'I'm the doctor' face.

"No, idiot! I have no idea how you made it as a doctor. HE IS HAVING A BABY!" she was looking at me as if I was the stupid one. Ignorant female.

"He's a MALE!" I screamed.

"Just take him into your doctor room and TREAT HIM LIKE A WOMAN GIVING BIRTH!" she yelled, obviously concerned. Emaddie walked in, followed by Rosalimmelislemesperward, Bella, Emmett, and Esme. They each stared at us with blank faces. After a minute or two of awkward silence and weird staring, they all sat in a circle around Jasper and started playing duck-duck-goose.

We carted Jasper into my doctor's lair and began to give him a bunch of medicines. I have no idea what most of them were, but I didn't care.

Later….

After 3 gruesome hours of listening to constipated grunts and girlish screams, Jasper finally gave birth to two healthy boys. While he slept off all of the trauma, Alice explained to us how Jasper was even able to have a baby in the first place.

"You see," she started while taking her legs out from behind her head. "Before any of us knew Jasper, he was a girl. An extremely prissy, frilly girl, doing ballet, taking bubble baths, and picking flowers. When the war began, girls weren't allowed to serve, so Jasper got the cheapest gender reassignment he could find in Texas. The doctor generally made him a guy, he just never removed certain, er, parts. Therefore, Jasper is able to have kids." All was silent.

"I don't get it," blurted out a confused Rosalimmelislemesperward.

"UGH! Do I have to explain everything to you, you insolent blonde?!" Emaddie shouted and leaned over to whisper in her sister's ear. When she finished, Rosalimmelislemesperward turned bright red and didn't say a word to anyone for the next three hours. All she did was bang her head against any surface she was nearest to.

Since Emmett was building a new addition to the house, he found a way to put her to good use. Whenever he needed a nail to be hammered in, he would place Rosalimmelislemesperward in front of it and let her bang it in with her head.

Bella POV

I was on my way to Gayward's room where I hide my illegal drugs (everyone is too afraid to go in there) when I saw the door to Carlisle's doctor lair open. I peeked in there to see Jasper holding his sons. They had big t-shirts on, saggy jeans, and chains. Jasper caught me staring and produced an extremely girly gasp and smiled at me.

"Would you like to hold Shaquiquionté and Shiquatro?" he asked.

"Sure!" I skipped gleefully towards him and put one in each arm. They just laid back made gang signs in my face. I didn't know babies could be so calm; Rosalimmelislemesperward and Emaddie would always have epic Pokémon battles with each other.

I looked back up at Jasper who was admiring a picture of Johnny Depp. "Which one is which?"

"Uh, the one with the Ecko shoes is Shiquatro and the one with the Ed Hardy shirt is Shaquiquionté," he replied without looking up from his picture.

I frowned. I had no idea what he was talking about. "Jasper, I don't speak gangster."

"The one on the left is Shiquatro."

"Oh." Which way is left again? I held up my hands in the 'L' shape, accidentally dropping both babies. I screamed as they pulled knives out and began chasing me around the house, shouting things like "Foo! Come back here!" and "You think you can run from da Tikes?"

"What are the tikes?" I asked the infants, stopping to confront them.

"Our gang, foo!" They answered, tackling me. Then, I passed out.