I've decided to continue this story.
Warning... it's angsty.
I do not own Glee.
When Kurt heard a knock at the door, he had no doubt about who it was.
"Rachel." He mustered a small smile for his friend. "Hey."
"Hey." The brunette replied softly as she stepped into the apartment. In her hands she held two coffee drinks- a non-fat mocha and a medium drip- and she tried her best to smile as she gazed at her friend. "I brought these over. Thought you and Blaine might need them."
"Oh, thank you. You didn't have to..."
"I know, but I wanted to." Rachel responded, handing Kurt his drink. With Blaine's left in her hand she glanced around, not seeing the curly-haired man in the apartment. "Where is your hubby anyways?" She asked with a small frown before looking back at Kurt. "Is he... is he doing okay today?"
Frowning, Kurt wrapped his cold hands around the warm drink cup and closed his eyes. "He... he went out." He said quietly. "He said he needed some time alone."
"Oh."
"Yeah." Kurt headed towards the couch then and the young woman followed, being unusually quiet as she sat down beside her friend. The two merely sat there for a bit silence, until finally, Kurt opened his mouth again.
"It's still so strange to think that today would have been her birthday." He said softly, his eyes closing as he let out a breath.
Rachel merely waited. She knew it wouldn't be long before her friend continued.
"And she... she would be so big now, you know? I can almost picture her running around the apartment in a little dress... her dark curls bouncing..." He let out a soft laugh and shook his head, now opening his blue eyes that were shining with tears. He merely gazed at the girl beside him before he let out a breath.
"Blaine's really not doing well anymore, you know." He suddenly choked out. "I don't know what to do."
Blinking, Rachel scooted in closer to place a hand on her friend's arm. "Kurt." She said gently with a small sigh, but the man just continued.
"He... he's been so depressed lately. And I can tell that he doesn't want to be... I can see in his eyes that he's trying to so hard to be happy, but... but..." He stopped here to take a shaky breath and he wiped at his eyes. "He thought he was pregnant, you know?" He muttered, voice barely above a whisper. "He said he was so sure... and he was so excited... but... but he wasn't. He's been trying to cope with that, and then today is Emma's... Emma's birthday and he... just wants... baby..." He stopped there, unable to continue as he pressed a hand over his mouth to stifle a sob.
Rachel immediately moved into action then, pulling Kurt into her arms for a hug that she knew he desperately needed. She gently rocked him and rubbed his back, just letting him have a good cry for a few minutes.
"It's okay." She said softly when she heard the cries subsiding, and she pulled back to look at her friend. "It's okay to get upset."
Eyes red and face blotchy from crying, Kurt nodded slightly and carefully ran a hand over his hair, trying to make sure it was still in place. "Yeah." He said quietly. "I just hate getting upset in front of Blaine. It only makes him feel worse... like he's a failure." He paused here and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as he carefully tried to think of what to say. "He... he feels like he's... disappointing me because he can't give me a child."
"Oh, but doesn't he realize-"
"I've tried telling him, but I know he still thinks it. He wants a baby so badly for us, and, Rachel, I understand. I really, really do because I want a baby so badly too, but... I don't know if he can handle trying for much longer. All this disappointment... it's killing him. I can't stand to see him hurting. He doesn't deserve to hurt, Rachel. He's such an amazing person and he deserves all the happiness in the world... I would do anything in my power to give that to him. I just want him to be okay, and I just want-"
"What about you?"
The question from the brunette girl put to stop to Kurt's ramble and he frowned slightly, looking at her with a confused expression. "Huh?"
"What about you, Kurt?" Rachel repeatedly calmly, one again laying a hand on his arm. "How are you taking all of this?"
For a moment he just stared at her, frowning slightly as he tried to understand what she meant.
Rachel let out a small sigh and looked at her friend with a sad smile. "You're always worrying so much about Blaine." She started quietly, holding up a hand to stop him when he opened his mouth to speak, "And you should be. I don't blame you for worrying about him; after all, he's your husband, and he's hurting. But, what I'm trying to say, is that you.. you're hurting too, Kurt, and I don't know if you always realize it. You don't ever show it or truly let it out and I really think you need to. It'll help you."
"Rachel, I'm-"
"Kurt Anderson-Hummel, don't you tell me that you're fine. I've known you for years and I definitely know when you are or aren't "fine," okay?"
Kurt let out a small sigh and gazed at her for a moment, knowing that pretty much everything she had just said was correct. He did worry about Blaine a lot, and with damn good reason, but he didn't really ever voice his feelings on their trying to have children. Sure, he talked to Blaine about it a lot, but never to the point that he really just let it all out. He'd never voiced his true fears on the matter and now that Rachel has called him out on it, he could feel them creeping up on him.
"You can talk about it, you know." She said softly. "That's why I came over... in case you guys needed me. I didn't want you to be alone."
Biting his lip, Kurt looked at her and nodded, more tears filling her cerulean eyes. "I'm scared." He finally whispered.
Rachel nodded encouragingly at this, though it was clear that she was also trying to be cautious. She wanted to help her friend, not hurt him. God knows he'd had plenty of hurt in the past few years to last a lifetime.
"I'm scared that Blaine and I will never have children." He continued softly, furiously wiping at his eyes. "I'm scared that... that the reason we can't have kids is because... because of me. What if... I mean, is there something wrong with my sperm? Are they not good enough? I don't... I don't understand! We try so hard and nothing works. I don't... I don't want this to go on forever. I want us to have a baby, Rach. I want it so badly it hurts and I... I don't know what to do anymore. It's killing me. Absolutely killing me."
/~/
Blaine knew that leaving the house on a day like today probably wasn't a good idea. It probably didn't help to leave Kurt alone either, but he just needed to get away from there for a little bit. Away from the memories, the hurt, the nursery...
Sighing softly, Blaine closed his eyes and dropped a hand down to his stomach. Three years. Three years since... since that day, and the wounds still felt fresh as ever. Sometimes it still felt like he could almost feel her kicking in there, feel her fluttering around as a reminder that she was real... except she wasn't. She wasn't there anymore. She wasn't inside of Blaine, she wasn't with him. She was in heaven, he told himself. An angel. His little angel.
Tears filled his eyes and he hastily tried to wipe them away as he stood from the park bench. He wasn't entirely sure why, on a day like today, he had gone here in attempt to escape the memories. A park. A park that was often full of children. He found that he actually came to the park a lot to just sit and think. It provided a way for him to sort of escape and slip into a world that felt a bit more... carefree and void of stress and worry.
Blaine knew all about stress and worry.
It was honestly all he had been feeling lately, ever since his most recent doctor's visit. He kept wondering if he was ever going to get pregnant or this cycle of disappointment would continue. It was on his mind all the time and he felt himself getting sadder and sadder...
And then there was today.
His daughter's birthday.
The feeling of what today could have been hit him full force and Blaine let out a gasp as he stumbled back to the park bench. Images of his little girl waking up to presents filled his mind. Her big, beautiful blue eyes so full of excitement as she tore into the gifts from her fathers... her face lighting up with joy when she saw other toddlers filling the apartment for a party that was all for her... her beautiful giggle she would emit before promptly devouring her piece of a cake, fit just for the little princess that she was...
Oh god, it hurt. It hurt so much to think about that, about the events that should be happening today, but Blaine just couldn't help it. He didn't mean to think about it, he just did. The images filled his mind before he even realized what was happening and all he could do was gasp until they faded away...
Sometimes it made him feel like he was going crazy. He was almost certain that the only thing that kept him sane was his Kurt, who reminded him that he was still loved, still needed. Kurt managed to keep him grounded when he felt like giving up and floating away, and for that, he would love him indefinitely. He owed everything he had to the man which was exactly why, as he stood up and wiped at his red eyes, he knew that he had to go home. His husband needed him today, and there was no way Blaine was going to just leave him all alone.
He knew all too well horrible ache in the chest that came with thinking about the little girl they'd lost three years ago, and he knew that Kurt would be feeling it today. He knew he would be crying. Blaine wanted to be there to wipe away the tears.
He hurried home as quickly as his feet would worry him through the streets of New York, not even caring that he'd nearly run three passersby over and knocked the coffee out of a few people's hands. He just had this pull, this need, to get home to his husband and he wasn't going to stop until he arrived.
Panting, he ran into the apartment building and to the elevator, bouncing with impatience as it carried him up to the third floor. Finally, it let out a small ding and he threw himself out into the hallway... right into Rachel Berry- well, Hudson, now.
"Rachel." He gasped, looking her over for a moment. Her eyes seemed a bit red and there was a noticeable wet spot on the shoulder of her sweater, as if someone had been crying there. "Hey."
The woman smiled sadly at her friend and reached up to squeeze his shoulder. "Hey, Blaine." She said softly, and then without another word, walked onto the elevator.
Blaine watched her go and let out a small sigh before he turned to head to the apartment, and to his husband who was waiting inside. He had just barely opened the door when the sound of a sob made him freeze and his eyes went wide with the realization of what it was.
Kurt.
His Kurt was crying, sobbing, and Blaine couldn't help that tears were now rapidly filling his own eyes. Oh, Kurt. Kurt, Kurt... "Kurt." His voice sounded shaky as he finally closed the apartment door and he heard the sharp intake of his husband's breath.
There was a small crash and a muffled curse word from the living room, and then suddenly Kurt was there, rubbing at his red eyes and running a shaky hand over his hair to smooth any wild strands. "Blaine." His voice cracked, sounding hoarse and raspy. "I didn't.. I didn't expect you to be home. Not yet." He attempted a small smile for the other man, but it really just turned out to look like a grimace.
The sight nearly broke Blaine's heart and without a word he flew to Kurt, wrapping his arms around him in a tight embrace. The taller man didn't hesitate to melt into the touch and without a word he choked back a sob, burying his face into his husband's shoulder.
Blaine, too, could feel tears coming and he closed his eyes, just holding Kurt. Today was going to be difficult, he knew. So would tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, but none of that mattered right then. All that mattered was that he and Kurt needed each other, and he knew he would never turn away from that.
Ugh, the tears.
Review?
