So What if It Wasn't Strip Poker?

"Let's play the nervous game~" Lussuria chirped. He was slapped up side the head and slammed into the nearest wall- courtesy of Xanxus. Xanxus cackled evilly and if his ego wasn't as big- he would've rubbed his hands together like your common villain. Xanxus prided himself with the fact he wasn't your common villain.

"What's the nervous game?" Fran asked, mildly interested.

Xanxus looked at Lussuria to see the degree of damage he caused (he was, also, mildly interested).

"It's a college type of game." Lussuria explained from where he was sprawled on the floor. Everyone exchanged glances. What kind of criminal attended college anyway?

"Like drinking games?" Xanxus asked, one eyebrow raised. Xanxus liked drinking games. Xanxus was good at drinking games. Xanxus was talking about himself in third person. Xanxus was very drunk.

"Don't be silly, darling." Lussuria dismissed him with a wave of his hand. The fucker. "It doesn't involve alcohol." He rolled his eyes. "It's bad for growing up boys."

Aside from the frog trash, who exactly did the faggot consider as 'growing up boys'? Even Mammon (who, let's face it- was a baby) drank.

"So how do we play?" Bel asked, leaning against the wall, arms crossed- shit eating grin in place. "Does it involve insanity and cold blooded murder?" he asked, rather eagerly. The kid needed some motherfucking therapy. They all did. Maybe he could ask that fucking tuna to pay for the sessions.

"Oh dear, I sure hope it doesn't!" Lussuria gasped in horror. "The nervous game is a game were one has to-"

"Shut up." Xanxus barked. "It's my castle, my rules. I say we don't play."

"I say you need to get the stick outta your friggin' ass," Said Squalo.

"I say you die." Xanxus snapped, "Shithead, get out of here before I fry you." He told Lussuria, who sniffled and began sobbing in an exaggerated fashion. Then he glared at the rest. "Why are you little minions still here?"

"Bossu-"

"I said out." He roared.

No one turned around. Ungrateful, little motherfucking suckers.

"OUT!" a cabinet of glass smashed into the wall near Lussuria, covering all in shards.

"VOI! What the fuck is wrong with you, you asshole?" Squalo screamed, a bloody gash forming on his forehead. Xanxus could almost see his brain leak out. That is, if he had a brain- something Xanxus considered as realistic as the Loch Ness Monster [and Xanxus refused to believe in anything with a stupid name such as Nessie].

"We're not going to play bloody kids' games in my castle." he stated firmly, leaning back on his throne.

"But Boss!" Levi protested. He imitated a fish when he saw Xanxus glaring daggers at him and mouthing 'go masturbate in a dark hole'. He made vague gestures with his hands that Xanxus swore were dirty. He ignored them firmly.

"You don't know how to play kids' game, you dickhead." Squalo said and glared as well. Xanxus snorted.

"So?"

"I'm just saying you know nothing of it- so I understand if you are scared to play."

Xanxus flipped him the bird. Then he flipped his glass over his head.

"Lussuria," he growled. The little ray of freaking sunshine turned his head. He could see his eyes sparkle. Xanxus sneered and spat like a cat. "Explain." He ordered.

"Well…" Lussuria drawled, grinning evilly. Xanxus paused. Evil Lussuria was rather comic.

"We'll need a chair."

"Trash, get a chair." Squalo scowled at that.

"But there's your chair."

"Exactly my point. It's my chair. Get another." Squalo didn't budge. Xanxus twitched. "Now."

He threw his new glass on him for good measure. The silver hair turned a shade darker as the wine spread. The shark huffed and turned on his heel and out the door. When he came back, he threw the chair into Xanxus' face. Levi successfully blocked it with his own face (the sucker).

Squalo twitched silently as he sat by his side on the floor. Xanxus was tempted to say 'good doggie' and kick him (because we all know Xanxus kicked puppies as a child).

"Levi, would you mind…?" Lussuria gestured towards the single chair in the middle of their little circle. Levi sat unwillingly, suspicious. Lussuria crouched down beside him.

"It goes like this," he put his hand on Levi's calf. "Don't fidget, dear." He instructed, and then he trailed his hand slowly up Levi's leg. It was a disgusting sight to behold.

"If I ask you 'are you nervous?' and the answer is 'yes'- I stop, if it's 'no' then I keep on going until you say yes." Lussuria explained. "I can do anything- and if you say yes, I win."

"Can we bet?" Squalo asked.

"On what, darling?" Lussuria asked, genuinely puzzled.

"On the outcome, of course!" Squalo rolled his eyes, as if Lussuria was the dumbest person he'd ever met. Well, him and the tuna brat.

"Yeah," Bel put. "Whoever wins gets cinque milioni di euro." He smirked widely then. "The looser gets a punishment from the winner."

"Why did you say it in Italian?" Fran asked. Everyone looked at Bel in wonder; they haven't used Italian for quite a while. In Japan do as Japanese do, or they'll be polite at dinner and send someone to kill you in a dark alley.

Much like Xanxus.

"It makes me feel a Mafiosi instead of a lousy Yakuza guy."

Everyone nodded in agreement. Pft. The Yakuza. The Varia was so much better than the Yakuza.

Only Lussuria nodded solemnly and murmured, "To ruin such a wonderful game with material needs..."

Xanxus snorted indigently. What did he expect from criminals? He had probably missed the memo about the relocation of Care-bearville.

"Are you nervous?" Lussuria asked then, batting his eyelashes like a hoe. Xanxus snarled. Levi gulped and said "A-ha".

"Let's pretend you didn't say that, shall we?" asked Lussuria and kept on molesting Levi. Levi caught his hand before he got to his crotch.

"Look, I said I'm nervous."

Lussuria ignored him and sat in his lap. Squalo cackled. Levi paled. "I'm nervous, I'm really really nervous."

Lussuria clearly didn't believe him.

When Lussuria was about to kiss him a loud puking sound was heard and then a chorus of snapping sounds as everyone turned their heads to Squalo's direction. "Wasn't me."

Fran's illusions weren't that good if you saw him cast them. What the heck did he have to barf if they had no dinner anyway?

Xanxus didn't like going to bed on an empty stomach (so he drank to fill it- or so he would tell you), and he swore that if the chef wasn't found dead in the corridor, he would've killed him. Though the cuts on the body were admirable indeed. A work of art, really.

Bel laughed and threw his knives into the back of the chair, creating a perfect circle around Levi's head. A halo of knives.

Creative.

"Are you nervous?" the blond asked, smirking as if his lips had no limit to how wide they could stretch. And they had no limit, really; Fran once stretched Bel's face until his grin reached his ears. Lussuria got a whole stash of hidden photos to prove it [and huge scars as well].

"Sure am-" Levi lifted his hand with a sigh fitted for theater. "You psychotic freaks!"

"Is this game some kind of new torturing technique?" Fran inquired, frowning. "Molestation and threats of stabbing?" he wondered. "That won't work, sempai does that all the time-" Fran was stabbed a handful of times. He ignored it, only giving a droll glare to Bel. "It doesn't work after a while."

"No, no, no!" Lussuria shook his head frantically. "It's a wonderful pastime!" he assured them. "It helps to get people more comfortable before executing carnal relationships. And it's rather fun, too."

"Why don't I believe you?" Squalo scoffed at the 'carnal relationships' bit. Then he realized Lussuria was still on Levi's lap, and scowled.

"Ew…"

"Who's the next victim?" Xanxus asked, drunk on cheap juice and not-so-cheap vodka he stole from the kitchens. He had a castle with seven kitchens, four wineries and one-hundred and seventy-two chefs, and some other trash no one knew and was still paid. And still Xanxus had no alcohol. Some kitchen staff were about to die.

"Levi, it's your turn," the fag turned to Levi and gestured towards the others. "Pick anyone." He said. "You can give me the money later." He said quietly. "I'll think of a punishment later". Wink wink.

Xanxus gnashed his teeth. Fucking faggot.

Levi's ignored him and his eyes lightened, like they did when he was drunk on Christmas Eve and tried to molest Xanxus with his foot under the table. Xanxus was fairly sure it was his intention now as well.

Levi turned to face him, sparkly eyes and floating above the floor in a bubble of gruesome pink. Xanxus just had to burst it.

"You're not touching me even if you were the last human alive." He said. "I'd rather fuck a sheep."

Levi's bubble popped with a wonderful sound of tears hitting the stone floor. Xanxus smirked like the asshole he was.

"But why, boss?" he pouted, attempting to imitate Lussuria. As he failed, Xanxus concluded only Lussuria could act like a girl without surgery. "Trash," he said, not looking at anyone in particular. "Smack him."

There was an eerie silence. Then Fran said, "Who are you talking to?" with a perfectly blank expression.

Now Xanxus glared (were they fucking idiots?), shifting it from the frog-brat to the dumb dog by his throne. "Trash," he said again. "Do it."

"Who?" Bel asked, teasing.

They were fucking idiots.

"This." Xanxus pointed at Squalo's head.

Squalo grimaced as he looked up, took Xanxus' bottle of '20% Less Sugar (the same taste guaranteed!), 100% Chemical Free Grape Juice!' and threw it at Levi's face. "You're a bastard." He informed Xanxus as Levi fell on his back and chocked on carton. The juice spilled onto the floor.

"Clean it."

"Like hell I would!"

Xanxus held a crystal glass. He glared at the shark.

"Forget it you ass, I'm not cleaning your mess!"

He no longer held the crystal glass.

"VOI! What the hell-"

"How old is the boss, sempai?" Fran asked Bel, whose smile flattened.

"Old." He looked at Xanxus, twitching lightly. "Really old." The great psychopath's grin comeback. Bel was a dead man.

"And how old is Squalo-sempai?"

"Don't know." Bel stared at the seething shark for a minute. "He's old too." He concluded.

"Hey!"

"So why are they acting like they're six?" Fran asked.

Xanxus threw another glass. Squalo growled and offered moral, silent support. "I'm not old." He said, offended.

"Five." Fran corrected himself as he brushed glass off. "Definitely five."

"Three," Bel corrected.

"Five."

"Make it four and it's a deal, froggie."

They shook hands.

"Boss… I want to play with the boss…" Levi grumbled from the floor. Xanxus wanted to stomp him in the gut.

"You'll die." Fran observed quietly.

"Painfully." Bel rubbed his hands together like a little maniac on sugar high.

"Choose someone else." Squalo glared at Xanxus. "Xanxus is just a douche with a stick up his ass."

"Yes, please proceed, honey." Lussuria nodded in agreement.

Levi slouched like a Neanderthal, sniffled a little more and trudged his way towards the chair. "Fran." He sobbed, still looking hopefully at Xanxus (who pointed his gun at him accordingly).

Fran was pushed by Bel to the chair of doom. "Down boy, down." Fran sat when a knife was aimed at his jugular. "Good froggie." He pat his head fondly.

It was rather endearing.

Levi crouched by him and slammed his hand down on his knee. Xanxus made a mental countdown.

He got to three before Fran kicked Levi in the balls. Hard, accurate hit. Levi began crying.

Again.

"I'm sorry…" the brat didn't sound sorry at all. "My reflexes are rather bad."

"Did you manage to break something?" Squalo inquired curiously.

"There is nothing to break in that area-"

"Of course there is, darling-"

"ENOUGH!"

There was silence for approximately half a minute. Then there were screams and huffs and flying knives. "Keep on going, this shit is remotely entertaining." Xanxus said, and pointedly ignored the knife stuck near his head.

Bel will pay later.

"Alright then, Fran, honey, choose someone."

"I want my money." Levi moaned in pain. "I'll sell your corpse to Lussuria." Fran informed him calmly and turned to the other members of the Varia.

There was silence, and if they hadn't scared all animals away from the next few acres, they would probably hear crickets. "Faster, trash."

"I don't want to choose anyone, really."

"Froggie-" Bel smiled. If there were really crickets, then by now they would've been gone- Bel was creepy like that. "You heard the boss."

Fran eyed them all impassively.

He looked at Levi-"Ew"-, at Lussuria- "God, no…"- Squalo got a twitch, Xanxus almost a spasm. "Sempai," he said then. "Would you mind stabbing me to death?"

Bel's grin widened. "You wish, my uncute-Kohai, you so wish…"

Fran sighed without moving a muscle, some sort of a heavy sound and an illusion of sagging shoulders. Xanxus wasn't impressed, because it made him look like a sad, wet kitten. Xanxus hated kittens "Then sempai, you're the victim."

"I'm never a victim- I make other people victims." Bel smirked as he strolled casually to the chair and sprawled on it much like Xanxus on his throne. A fucking copy-cat.

"Why him?" Lussuria all but pouted.

"Because you'll rape me." Fran mused nonchalantly, nearing the chair. "Levi's too hairy, and he played already. Squalo will make me a sushi, and the boss will make Squalo make me a sushi if he didn't already." He said. "Or shoot me."

He kneeled before Bel. "I rather like myself alive, thank you very much." He stated.

"But I can kill you too." Bel noted with dark amusement. Fran raised a green eyebrow.

"If you wanted to, you would've killed me long time ago, sempai." He said. "Besides, your knives are shit."

STAB. "Say that again and a shitty knife will pierce your pretty little heart." Bel wasn't smiling.

"Boys, no fighting."

Fran trailed his hand up Bel's leg, dully staring at the wall beyond his head. "Please say something sometime soon, sempai."

"Something." Said Bel.

After about a minute or so, Fran's hand got to Bel's knee. "You're not nervous, are you?" Fran drawled.

"Nah," Bel shook his head. "I wanna see how long you'll last. Levi gave me the right to pierce him dead five times if you start groping me."

There was a sort of eerie silence the Varia never knew before. Then Fran said, "Five times?"

"He doesn't believe he'll get killed in the first one." Bel grinned, suggesting very boldly how wrong he thought Levi was. And how much he was going to pay for being wrong. Bel had a knack for twisting knives. "He will." He assured them all.

Fran's hand got to the thigh. His fingers twitched. "If I wasn't sure of you being a pervert before, Bel-sempai, all of my doubts have been slowly ravished."

Bel chuckled, and snorted, "Ha. Took you long enough."

In the middle of the thigh, Fran abruptly stopped, turned to face Levi and said, with an empty voice that Xanxus thought was rather impressing for a kiddo, "I'm sorry you'll end up dead."

Fran dropped his hand. Bel murmured something that made Levi run out of the room in screams of bloody murder. Xanxus found himself free of any molesting, lust filled, entirely crazy and murder-able personas in his new playroom. It was such a refreshing change.

"Well, well, well- I got myself a new experiments material." Bel looked down at Fran. "Think, my dear kohai- what is worse- playing some more or admitting defeat?"

Fran cocked his head to the side and said, "Well, that's easy sempai. Defeat."

Bel stood up (while cackling evilly), patted Fran's head and praised him like Xanxus praise his dog, Squalo. "Looks like I'm going to have some fun tonight." He Looked at Fran. Suggestively. "You didn't forget the punishment part of the bargain, did you, froggie?"

Fran blinked at him.

"Sharkie…" Bel purred, averting his gaze to said dog. It reacted with a sneer.

"No freakin' way, no." Squalo screeched as Bel neared him.

"You're not touchin' me, forget it kiddo. I have enough of a hard life; I don't need to let you anywhere near me. No, no, no. Not gonna happen- Jesus, Bel, fuck off!"

Somehow, Squalo ended up on that chair, Bel's knife on his throat. "C'mon sharkie, don't be such a pussy."

"I'm gonna cut you into a salad." Squalo threatened, and put his hand on the hilt of his sword.

"Trash, I said we all play, so you're gonna play."

Bel grinned, Squalo rephrased, "I'm gonna cut you into a salad later."

Bel's knife danced lightly on pale skin, slowly going from jugular to throat. Squalo glared at Bel and said, "I'm nervous."

"Not gonna work, sharkie."

"Don't fucking cheat."

The knife went further and further, and with little pressure applied, it'd probably cut Squalo neatly in half. It passed his chest; almost waltzing above his heart, then went lower to his stomach. Xanxus was following it with his eyes until they burned. He didn't realize he wasn't blinking for the entire time. He felt like an idiot, blinked a dozen times in a row and felt even more like an idiot.

"Are you-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can you stop now?"

Xanxus snapped his head back, and smirked when he saw the scene. The knife was a few inches above his dog's lower stomach and Squalo wasn't fidgeting yet. He wasn't nervous at all. He was cheating. Xanxus didn't like cheating (Xanxus himself was an exception, of course).

"Keep going." He told Bel. "He's lying."

"I am not-"

They knife got lower and lower. The hand on the hilt tightened, and Squalo's brows started to knit together. A few inches lower, and he was fidgeting. Xanxus chuckled. Lussuria squealed. Bel 'shi shi'-ed and kept on going.

"Okay, okay you freak, I am nervous." Bel didn't stop. "I said stop it, you fucktard-"the knife was a couple of inches above Squalo's crotch. It was hilarious. "Look, I really like my genitals in place, so either I make that 'later' I promised you a 'now' or you get the fuck away from me." He growled.

Xanxus laughed his ass off for thirteen minutes and fifty seven seconds before gasping a strangled "Fucking shark". Then- he kept on laughing. And laughing. And laughing, until even Fran got some emotion to his face that wasn't his typical porcelain-doll imitation.

"It's not funny!" Squalo grumbled. Xanxus didn't give a rat's ass about what he was saying. "Shut the fuck up!" he yelled.

Fifteen minutes later Squalo was grooming his sword like a cat would his fur, and Xanxus was safe from death by asphyxia. He still chuckled, though.

"Alright, Squalo-sweetheart, it's your turn," said Lussuria, and then he glanced at Xanxus and twitched. Xanxus spat in his face.

"It's not like I have much of a choice here- it's either you or the fucking hyena." Squalo grumbled some more. He looked at Lussuria then, saw the sparkles and lust in his eyes and screeched. "O-kay, I'll go for the boss. At least I won't be raped." He said then.

Xanxus stared at him. "I'm flattered you think me killing you would be less painful than the faggot raping you." Then he smirked and Squalo gulped. Lussuria made a jump for him and as he dodged, he said, "Yeah, well, I don't think you will rape me- so yeah, you don't scare me."

Xanxus raised an eyebrow and followed the arch in Squalo's back as he fought Lussuria off. "Don't be so sure," he murmured. "Be afraid. Be very afraid." He said aloud. The 'Bwahaha' part was left unsaid. When he looked at Levi's face, he knew the message had gotten across.

Lussuria was kicked into a bloody pulp and Squalo strode over him, his hair a long trail behind him. When he got to the throne, and was kneeling, Xanxus murmured a, "Good doggie." Squalo stepped on his foot (hard), and for the first time in his life- Xanxus wondered why the hell Squalo had hills that sharp [or any hills, for that matter].

"Fuck off." He said and put his palm on Xanxus's leg. Xanxus kicked him. Squalo punched him with his artificial hand, and darn, what the fuck was it made of?

The hand trailed up farther, and Xanxus was telling himself this wasn't happening. He wasn't nervous. He couldn't be; only weaklings got nervous. Weaklings and Squalo (and it wasn't the same thing- because if the Varia had taken weaklings it would be called the Vongola). When the hand got to his knee, Xanxus could feel his skin crawl and the hairs on the nape of his neck rise. He kicked Squalo again. Squalo scowled and muttered, "Well, you can just say 'yes' and let us both off of the hook".

As if.

Xanxus kicked him three times in a row, though only once got a clean hit straight into the ribs (take that, fucker). Before Xanxus noticed it happening, his body tensed, and when he looked down, Squalo's hand was on his thigh. "Ah…" Squalo uttered and looked up. "What now?"

"Keep on going, darling." Lussuria-the-soon-to-be-a-dead-man was watching with interest. Xanxus snorted and gripped Squalo's wrist. He didn't like where all of this was going.

"Wha-"

Xanxus glared at him and said nothing for a long time. Squalo blinked and frowned. "Look, asshole, I'm not gonna loose 'coz you're asexual. 'Sides, I know what kind of punishment you'll give- something like 'Trash, you're our new maid, go clean something'" he made his voice deeper when he imitated Xanxus, and Xanxus just snorted again and pulled silver forelocks until Squalo's head hit Xanxus's knee.

"Ow, poor thing, that'll leave one nasty bruise."

"You think he hit bone?"

"Ushi shi, sure hope he opened his forehead."

There was a groan, and when Squalo began cursing and lifting his head. Xanxus held him down by the hair.

"Quit, Trash."

"Like hell I would, you fucker." Squalo's voice was muffled.

"What, you enjoy groping me that much?" Xanxus taunted and pressed Squalo's face down harder. He could hear him choke. "Quit."

"You wish, asshole." Squalo snapped and seized one of Xanxus's wrists that held his hair and twisted hard. Xanxus let go with a hiss and gripped his other hand tighter, almost breaking bone. The hand he held hostage was the real one, and no matter how hard Squalo glared, he couldn't just take it off and throw into Xanxus's face (probably hoping to break his nose). "Let go, you bastard."

Xanxus smirked. "In your dreams, trash."

Squalo bristled like an angry cat and trashed around as if Xanxus was some pussy that would let go. Xanxus wasn't a pussy. He didn't let go.

Then Squalo stood up and they both fell onto the floor in a mess of hands, legs, feathers and silver hair. Xanxus pressed his hand against the fucker's wind-pipe and waiting to see if he'd turn blue. It never ceased to entertain him when people died of asphyxia. Squalo clawed at his face (did he have a manicure done or something?). As Xanxus's blood dripped down his face he pressed down harder. Squalo began coughing.

"You really hate loosing, eh?" he wheezed. Xanxus smirked. Then Squalo's hand found its way to the nape of his neck and pulled Xanxus down. The kiss was long and hard, and Xanxus wondered how the hell was Squalo able to make him feel that way when he had no air. When the kiss ended (and Xanxus did consider to keep going just to hear Squalo beg for air), they were close still. Squalo's breath mingled with his, and the forced inhales ringed in his ears.

"Nervous yet?" Squalo murmured against his cheek. Xanxus just kept on staring down, marveling at the tingling sensation on his lips, at the fact he had goosebumps all over. Was that how nervousness felt?

Xanxus leaned down again. This time, a loud, clear whistle interrupted the kiss. Their heads snapped to the side, and there stood Bel, grinning, with a captured Fran in his arms. "Not nervous at all, eh, Boss?" then he cackled evilly and hauled Fran out the door. "C'mon, little froggie, your punishment needs a bed."

"If you fuck next to my door and interrupt my sleep you die, brats!" Xanxus called after them.

He heard Bel laugh. "I don't think you'll be sleeping tonight, Boss." He called back.

"So," Squalo murmured, "you enjoy groping me that much?"

-

A/N- So, after a long break here comes chapter 2! Hm, I think I'll make one more "So what if it wasn't Strip Poker and it wasn't the Nervous Game?" one-shot. Reviews are loved! C&C are welcomed!

Thank you everyone for reviewing and faving/adding this to their alerts! I love you all!