A/N: I had to write something, or I was going to go insane. So what better than a new chapter of the fail!fic?

Enjoy! Concrit! Smirk knowingly in all the right places!

Chapter Two

"Where did that anachronistic and frankly tacky neon sign come from?" Aragorn asked, scratching his head.

I shrugged, my lustrous golden hair falling over my pointed ears and cascading down my shoulders.

"What I want to know," I answered, frowning, "is why I keep getting this strange urge to introduce myself as Orlando."

One of the hobbits whispered something to Gimli, who snorted. I stopped to glare back at them. Accursed… small people!

"Peace, Legolas," Boromir said with a smirk, raising his hand. "Strange thoughts enter the minds of men in such places as these. I am for Aragorn here. Your name is immaterial, compared to the sudden appearance of this anachronism."

"What's an anachronism?" Sam asked with a frown.

"A great force sent to trouble our unhappy world, I fear," Aragorn said gravely, resting one hand on the post of the flashing sign. "Often have I travelled in the Wilds, and never have I seen such a thing."

"We draw now close to the Golden Wood," Gimli commented, looking up at the sign. "Sorcery lies within this forest."

"Why does it say 'Welcome to Middle-Earth!', though?" the Ringbearer asked, fidgeting slightly. "Haven't we been in Middle-Earth since the day we were born?"

I raised a finger to my lips, and stepped, cat-quiet, towards the prone figure underneath the sign. Unslinging my bow from my back, I squatted down next to the dark shape coiled in the long grass, and poked it gingerly.

It didn't move.

I poked it again, harder.

It still didn't move.

"It's… a girl?" Frodo murmured, drawing closer. Well, you have to let hobbits state the obvious sometimes. Otherwise, they might implode.

I poked it – her? – again, brow creasing into a frown of pure curiosity. Never, in all my years, had I seen something like this.

At that moment, she woke up. There was approximately a heartbeat between her waking and the instant when she latched herself onto my shirt, multicoloured hair flying, colour-changing eyes locked on mine, and be-lipsticked mouth moving so fast it was almost a blur.

"Omigosh where am I and who are you I was just in my room and then there was this fairy only he wasn't a fairy he was a comedian in a tutu and then he hit me with his wand but before that George died and my name's Siltasuvi Araeina Raven Tri'shah Iuhlmati Ellenor Isabella Geliarae Arwen Sarabelle Kitsune Hmrevenueandcustoms Smith but you can call me Suvi and I'm not called Smith that's just my family's name they're not my real family and I know because I have this magic belly-button piercing and it's just the colour of toilet cleaner or my eyes and I wanted to get away but then the fairy came and hit me with his wand like I said and there were lots of letters all the same-y and then I landed here and I was tired so I went to sleep but omigosh this isn't my room and then you came along and…"

I blinked, my eyes sliding sideways to Aragorn, who shrugged almost imperceptibly.

She was still talking. "…and I like real music like MCR and Hawthorne Heights but my parents only like crappy oldies stuff like this guy Schubert I mean what's Schubert supposed to be that's not a name it sounds like a branch of a cobbler's but I don't buy my shoes at cobblers I buy them online because you can get such cool stuff online like these jeans aren't they awesome but then sometimes you meet weird stalkers online and they're nasty but they won't come after me because I know tai kwon do and Daddy taught me how to fence and I'm the best pupil in my whole class at Games actually I'm the best pupil in my whole class at everything but…"

I cast a desperate look back at the rest of the Company, and mouthed Help me. But they were too busy trying not to laugh. Shadows and darkness take you and rot you! I thought to myself, but kept my mouth closed.

"…and then he said omigod you did not and she said omigosh I totally did but then they saw me watching and they just sort of backed away because no-one likes me and no-one trusts me because I'm too popular and too pretty and they think I'm dumb but I'm totally not I like Lord of the Rings and all that fantasy stuff and I can do advanced calculus in my head but I don't want to and anyway my parents just totally don't care about me so I don't even think they'll notice I'm gone so it doesn't matter well it does matter because I don't want to leave home right now I haven't finished my vigil for George but the fairy didn't even listen to my wish properly and he should be fired because I don't know where this is and I don't like it this floor's even harder than my shag pile carpet back home and I don't like it and by the way, what's your name?"

It took me a moment to realise that she'd stopped talking, then Sam coughed discreetly and I jumped.

"Excuse me?"

She stamped her foot, pouting.

"I said, what's your name!"

"Orla… I mean Legolas! Legolas is my name!"

Silence, blessed silence, fell. Then she squealed.

It started off low, low enough to vibrate uncomfortably in my ears, then rose. Several bats fell out of a tree, and a stray squirrel was blown almost away by the blast.

"OMIGODit'syouit'syouit'sreallyYOOOOU!" she squeaked, hopping up and down like a mad thing and fanning herself crazily with both open hands. Then, taking me quite by surprise, she lunged at me, grabbed me around the neck, and knocked me onto the ground in what felt like a wrestler's embrace. "LEGGIE-POOOOO! Ohmigod you're so fit just like I thought you would be and I always imagined you'd have that sexy sexy voice and you're so cuuute I've read like a million fanfics about you and I love you I love you I love you!"

I could only look mutely, imploringly, at the rest of the Fellowship, who gave me identically blank looks.

"What…" I managed, prising her off me – her chest was large, to say the least, and I feared I was in danger of suffocating – and taking several hurried steps back. My hand went to the knife at my belt. "What's a fanfic?"