AN: wow. it's taken me a really long time to put this up here. sorry i'm such a slacker.
I stared unseeing at the puce colored wall of the cheap motel room. My insides felt as empty as ever. I held my knees to my chest, feeling like my entire body would fall apart if I didn't. It had been two months since I had seen Bel- her face. No. Don't think the name. It had been two torturously long months since I had heard her laugh, seen her smile. Smelled her mouthwatering scent. Watched her sleep. And it was killing me.
"Is this how I am to atone for my sins?" I whispered, to the deity in heaven. His plan for pennance: to give me something- someone- so amazing, someone I could no longer live without, someone every dead cell in my stone body cared for more than anything else on this earth, only to force me to make a choice between her life and my happiness, the same choice I had made with every single person I had killed in my rebellious years. Their life to quench my thirst. "I NEED her! I can't do this forever!" But I knew I had to. She was safer now than she had been during any of those miraculous months with me. I thought back to how it was before Be- her, when it was just my family and I. They all had each other, needed each other. I was complete in myself; I hadn't needed anyone. I had music to keep me sane, it was my outlet, my peace in a routine yet, somehow, still confusing and chaotic life. Then I met her. She woke me up. Triggered things inside of me that were long-dormant. She gave me joy as I had never known. For a vampire, I was relatively human before her. But with her... my humanity surpassed any predatory instinct. I broke the boundary that had been inside of me for ninety long years. With her... I was ALIVE. Suddenly, though I had lived without her for so long, I needed her. I loved the feelings I had when I was with her, and I didn't want that connection to be lost. The desire to give her the world, the need to protect her, do ANYTHING I could for her, was still very much a part of me, and I was glad that I could salvage these last little bits of my obliterated existence and avenge her almost-fatal encounter with the scum who, literally, had broken her to pieces. My memories- memories of us, still playing like a movie reel as they had been from day one of our... separation- wandered toward that horrible experience. My fear when I realized she was gone, my determination when driving to the studio... No. Stop right there. Picturing her in any state of pain was unbearable, especially when she wasn't with me, when I couldn't see her, perfect and unharmed, to calm my fear and anger. I moaned as the pulsing ache in my empty insides became more intense. I had to distract myself from my current train of thought, and fast.
There's one way to ease it! Just go back! The voice of my selfish side, growing louder with each hour that passed, threw a nearly irresistable invitation at me. It made me think of Alice, how she had begged me to go back, so she could go back, each plea denting the brick wall of determination I had to stay away from BelĀ- her. You're a monster, and she is nothing less than an angel. Do what you can for her and leave her alone! I told myself. Without ever giving it permission to go there, my mind drifted to the phone call from that first day... or the last day, depending on how you looked at it. The worst day of my existence...
Two Months Ago...
It was difficult to breathe as I sprinted away from her. Breathing was unneccessary, so it really wasn't much of a problem, but it seemed to symbolize something. I couldn't quite care enough to search for the meaning though. Taking the long way around the western part of the woods, I doubled back toward Bella's house, my sanctuary, to retrieve my volvo. The pain that shot through me when I thought her name- it was so piercing it caused me to lose my balance, and I stumbled over a tree root, falling to the ground. Beings of our kind are not supposed to fall. It didn't matter though. Nothing mattered. I picked myself up and ran again, finally reaching my car.
I drove through the tiny town- always too fast- to my house. Once inside, I walked around, looking at the walls, the furniture, the piano, trying to ignore the stabbing sensation I felt in the pit of my stomach, trying to break the surface of the misery I was drowning in. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and dialed.
"Carlisle?" I asked. My voice was void of emotion. Lifeless.
"Yes, Edward?" He sounded concerned.
"It's done." I tried as hard as I could not to replay the recent destruction of my world in my mind.
He sighed. "Alright." Carlisle tried very hard to disguise his disapproval and pain, but I could hear traces of both even in that one word. He understood though, knew that I had made this decision to protect her, and was sympathetic of the place it put me in. "Esme and Alice packed up for you. Your clothes and things are here in your room, all set up the way you had them the last time we were here. I believe Alice left you a large duffel with two weeks worth of clothes and a few CD's in your room there. She said 'just in case'."
My sigh mimicked his. "Tell her thank you. And tell everyone I'm sorry, but I can't come home just yet. There are some things I need to get in order before I can join you. Have you talked to either Alice or Jasper since you prepared that house?" I asked.
"I understand." I heard the sympathy in his voice. "And yes, Alice and Jasper are already here to stay."
"Well, it will definitely be too hard on Jasper if he has to deal with this right now," I admitted in a rushed whisper.
"Alright. Alice is next to me now, she wants to speak with you. We're here for you, whenever you're ready, Edward."
"Thank you. I'll see you... soon," I replied. I wasn't sure just yet if that last part was a lie. I heard a quick shuffling noise as Carlisle handed the phone to Alice.
"You're making a huge mistake, Edward. Why won't you just listen to me? You said yourself how stupid it is to bet against me, and now-" she chastised. But I interrupted her.
"Alice, please just stop. I love her. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. And it will never change. But I want what's best for her, and several incidents over the last few months have proved that THAT IS NOT ME. I'm no good for her, Alice. She deserves better than me; someone who doesn't risk her life every time she's near him. Leaving is the only way to keep her safe." My voice was no longer emotionless, it was heated and strained. I was trying so hard to convince myself to stay away, and Alice wasn't making it any easier. Though, I'm sure, that was probably her goal.
"There are so many things I want to say to you I can barely keep them all straight. And that's saying something, considering how we think," she said tersely. "First of all, you are what she wants. She's ready to give up everything to be with you!"
"That's the problem," I interjected. The pain that would now always be a part of me was joined by guilt, remembering what Bella- wince- had said in the forest, telling me I could have her soul because she loved me that much. I knew she wanted to be one of us, but hearing her say it in those terms... I sank to the wooden floor and tried to calm to ache in my hollow chest.
"Stop interrupting me! I never thought I would have to explain this to you, Edward, but I see things, remember?" she said sarcastically. "And I cannot see one path, even now, that doesn't lead to her becoming one of us. She was never good at being human. She doesn't fit into that world. She belongs in ours! And secondly, how many times did you save her life in the nine months that you knew her? She can't even walk without being a danger to herself and everyone within a ten-foot radius. And you think that taking yourself, her protector, away from her is keeping her safe?" She spit out those words faster than I've ever heard her talk, and I could practically feel her anger through the phone.
"Bella" -wince- "promised. She promised not to do anything dangerous, Alice. She's making an effort- for me, for Charlie- to keep herself out of harm's way. I may have been her biggest protector, but I was also her greatest danger. She managed to stay alive for eighteen years. She's living with a police officer. She'll be okay." She will. She'll be fine. I told myself that over and over again, but the fear I still felt for her safety was growing with each furious word Alice spoke.
"Are you sure about that?" Her change in tone surprised me. Instead of provoked and inflamed, she was now quiet and sorrowful.
"Yes, Alice. Charlie can keep her safe; everything-" I could hear the pleading sound to my voice; I wanted to believe what I was saying so badly. But it was Alice's turn to interrupt me.
"I didn't mean physically Edward. You were her first love. She was head over heels for you! And you left her," she accused, her tone livid once again. She was relentless. I knew all this already. Was paying for it already. It was like she had a needle, full of pain, and was injecting it into my body with each word she spoke "I tried not to watch, I really did. But I saw the look in her eyes when you told her you didn't want her. When you said she wasn't good enough for you. Her heart is BROKEN, Edward. And who's going to mend it for her? Tyler Crowley? Mike Newton? Yeah, right. She's the most stubborn person I know. Maybe even more so than Rosalie. She doesn't get over things. You both need each other! Go back to her!" I couldn't take this much longer. She was using my own pain to break down my resolve, to try to force me to return to Bella's -wince- life.
"Alice, please stop," I begged her with my whisper. I was spiraling downward, my heartache growing deeper with each truth she hurled at me.
She sighed. "You're- I mean- it's... I'm sorry, Edward. I shouldn't have said all that. But you'll go back. Save yourself some torture and listen to me, please," she stuttered.
Save myself? Ironic. To save Bella, I kill myself. To save myself, I kill Bella. And there's no question as to who is more important to me.
"I'm not going back, Alice." My voice sounded weary. I was straining to hold myself together. "Neither are you. And don't go looking for her future, either. We've done enough damage. Now, I have some things to take care of. I'll be with you when they're finished," I said, hinting that this was the end of this conversation.
"Fine. Try this your way, Edward. I'll stay away as long as you do. Good luck hunting Victoria," she replied defeated. I heard the click as she hung up the phone and shoved my own cell back into my pocket. I ran upstairs to retrieve the duffel bag, trying to plan how to start my first ever tracking expedition.
This is for you, love. I thought silently. I'll miss you. Forever.
My phone buzzing in my pocket brought me back from the unbearable memory. I looked at the caller ID. Alice.
"I can't deal with anymore today," I whispered still facing the wall. I switched it off and closed my eyes, wishing for the relief of unconsciousness. But sleep could never come. The only thing behind my eyelids was her face, her beautiful, innocent face, smiling slightly, her lips whispering my name.
so reviews would be helpful. what can i do better? what did you like? is this story complete? let me know.
bri.
(i know i've said it three times already, but it really makes me nervous when people read and don't review. i'm begging you. let me know if it was good. or horrible. or whatever. just PLEASE- i need feedback!)
