WHOA HOLY FUCK SHE'S UPDATING.

AFTER THE AWFUL DROUGHT OF IDEAS AND INSPIRATION, MY MUSE IS BACK AND THE WRITER'S BLOCK IS GONE. Cheers! This might suck... Forgive me. I'm rusty. Oh, and the song lyrics used are Shake It Out by Florence + Machine. You can even play the amazing Glee cover in background if you wish!

Reviews and feedback are cool.


...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't,
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road,
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope,
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat.

...

You want to lash out, but you're too tired.

It's not fair.

This isn't how it's supposed to be, it's not. You're supposed to be Brittany&Santana, just the two of you against the the world. You had your future planned out, planned out with her. Go to college, get jobs, get married with kids and a house and the whole package.

Car crashes and death and this awful loneliness... They were not part of the plan, your plan.

You're supposed to be at college now, getting on with your life and making plans for the future. Yeah. You're supposed to be doing a lot of things.

But you can't.

You live, stuck, in a world of broken memories. Lord Tubbington and Charity, her cats, slink around your house because you refuse to let anyone get rid of them. Her things lay, piled into boxes around your room, serving as a constant reminder that she isn't here anymore. Because even her parents couldn't take staring at their dead daughter's possessions. You toss and turn at night, tangled up in her favorite quilt, swearing you can still smell the faintest hints of her perfume.

...

Her name's become a taboo around you. Every since the crash you haven't uttered her name once. You just can't bring yourself to for some reason. It's like... It's like if you say her name and use it in past tense it'll somehow mean she's never coming back, that she's really just gone.

(The only time you say her name is when you scream it in your sleep, begging a dead girl to come back and fix you.)

You sleep a lot, because, well, it's better than being awake.

...

For the longest time, you have the sensation of drowning all the time. Without her around you feel like you're underwater, struggling desperately to breathe. Everything feels foggy and blurry without her. Nothing matters anymore without her.

It doesn't help that everyone's moved on. Rachel, Finn, and Kurt are all in New York. Mike and Mercedes are both on the West Coast. Quinn, the only one who can even possibly begin to understand the whole that her death left in every aspect of your life, is off at Yale. Even your own parents carefully avoid you.

Sugar, Blaine, Tina, Joe, and Sam try to visit because they're still at school. It's awkward and forced, and you don't even make an effort to make it less so. You just stared into space, as if something, someone, will materialize there. (Which is really just a heavy case of wishful thinking...)

Eventually, they stop visiting because no one want to comfort you, the sad girl who's just so fucking angry at life for the hand its dealt her.

Only Puck still visits relentlessly. He sits by your side, not even talking some days. Some days he brings alcohol because you both have a thing for bad decisions and drunken stupors.

At least you don't have to feel.

...

"Get up." Puck orders.

"What?" You look up from your bed, as he storms into your room.

"We're going to Scandals." Typical. Noah Puckerman's solution for just about everything involves bars.

"Puck!" You croak, "I don't want to."

He starts rummaging through your closet, "This isn't about what you want right now. It's about what your need. Santana, you haven't been out of your house for weeks. I don't even know the last time you even ate anything. Quinn's practically making herself sick over how much she's worried over you. We're all worried." He pauses, staring at you in your dirty sweatshirt, with your greasy hair. "...I'm worried, okay?"

Puck throws a dress and clean underwear at you, his poker face on, "So, we're going out."

"I'm not ready. Not yet." You whisper, staring at your hands.

"Do you honestly think you'll ever be ready?" He asks.

You don't have an answer to that question, so you stay silent.

"Go shower, San. We're leaving in an hour."

...

Next thing you know, you're sitting in the passenger's seat of his truck wearing clean clothes and freshly showered in what feels like forever. For the past months, you've basically let yourself go.

"This is gonna be great," Puck promises, but you have a feeling you both know he's wrong.

He pulls into Scandals and at first it's okay. Puck buys you martinis and tries to be a wing man for all the gay guys in bar, much to their amusement. You let Puck lead you onto the dance floor and he tries to dance with you. But his feet are a lot bigger than hers were and he keeps accidentally stepping on your toes so you just end up awkwardly swaying back and forth.

Puck twirls you and you even smiles a small, closed lipped smile, but it's the first time you've smiled in months. It's your first smile since Tuesday, June 7th actually.

Things are going really well, until a blue eyed blond with a miniskirt on starts to flirt with you and you just lose it. You flee the bar, and plop down on the pavement outside already crying. Puck, who had seen the whole thing, follows you out.

"You need you let go of her, Santana! Brittany is dead. And she's not coming back because she is dead." He yells, his eyes burning, spitting out his words like poison. "You can't live like this! You're just a... a... a shell of who you were."

"I-I can't!" You cry so hard you're hiccuping between your sobs, "I can't, Puck, I can't. I can't, I can't, I can't."

There's some things you just don't ever get over.

"Yes, you can." He whispers into your hair.

...

Puck takes you home and let's you cry until you have no tears left to cry.

And maybe you're ready to start letting go.

...

I am done with my graceless heart,
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart,
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn,
It's always darkest before the dawn.

...