I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad,
Where the West was all but won;
All alone, smoking his last cigarette,
I said, "Where you been?" He said, "Ask anything."
Merlin was trembling uncontrollably, shaking, fingers twitching, chin trembling. Arthur was looking at him with so much anger and disappointment. He could take the anger, but he couldn't take the disappointment. He did what he always did in these situations.
He bolted.
Arthur was shaking, he couldn't believe what Merlin had been about to do. Denial settled in, a comforting blanket amidst his troubled thoughts – he couldn't have been doing something like that, he was Merlin. Merlin – always cheerful and smiling.
Until recently.
With hollow smiles that didn't reach his eyes and vanished in a few seconds as the lines of misery set in again, eyes staring at something far away.
How long he been losing Merlin? How long had he been hiding behind the mockery of smiles before his heartbreak grew so strong that even his facade started to crumble to pieces.
He needed to talk – to Merlin, to Gaius, to Gwaine, and Lancelot, and Gwen. Someone. Especially Gwen – she would make sense of this.
But he didn't want to worry her.
But he couldn't – wouldn't – cope with this on his own.
With that in mind he walked towards the training fields – he wanted to have a little chat with some of his Knights. He'd also be able to pummel something to death at the same time. And girls said that men couldn't multi-task.
Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang;
All I needed was a call that never came,
To the corner of 1st and Amistad.
Merlin sobbed. He just couldn't take it anymore. He lost everyone – was losing everyone. Seeing Freya again had just brought the pain back, sharper than ever, grief's sharp blade not dulled by time. He hated life. Why did he have to live? Why did Arthur have to have stopped him? Arthur didn't care – he wouldn't care. Not in the end. Magic was evil, after all. Arthur ha told him that himself, and told him thanks for reminding him. He thought his heart might've broken that day, but the pain and loss got worse and worse – Freya, his father, Morgana. Why couldn't he help any of them?
Why couldn't he be with them?
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me,
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded;
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
The Knights hadn't known anything about Merlin's suicide attempt. Gwaine, Percival, Elyan and Leon had been horrified, Gwaine more so than the others. Lancelot had also looked upset, but there was pity and understanding mingled in his gaze. He knew what had driven Merlin to this.
And he, Arthur, didn't.
Why had Merlin told Lancelot over him, over Gwaine?
And what was it that had driven Merlin to this?
But in the end everyone ends up alone,
Losing her, the only one who's ever known;
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna be,
No way to know how long she will be next to me.
Freya. His lovely Freya.
He'd wished for forever with her and in the end he only got a week and a half. He'd loved her so much and she'd been cut down by Arthur, by his destiny. She'd been cut down by his destiny. He often wondered if he was why she died – he'd been going to leave with her and Fate hadn't liked that, so it trapped him back with her death. He couldn't even get his revenge – couldn't, wouldn't hate Arthur, not ever. Merlin hated Fate (or was it God?) for condemning him to this.
And he loved it for leading him to Arthur.
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me,
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded;
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
Gaius hadn't known – the look of dismay on his face, coupled with the pity and understanding. His face was a mirror image of Lancelot's. Arthur could understand Gaius knowing what had driven Merlin to this, but Lancelot?
He didn't know why he couldn't let it go that Lancelot knew instead of him (yes he did, images of Gwen and Lancelot were still present in his head).
Gwen had been disbelieving, in denial. Staring into his solemn eyes she realised he was telling the truth. Tears streamed down her beautiful face and he held her tightly to him. Whether to comfort her or himself, he didn't know.
The early morning, the city breaks,
And I've been calling for years and years and years and years;
And you never left me no messages,
You never sent me no letters,
You got some nerve taking all I want!
Merlin looked out of the window. In the time which he had been out thinking, someone had been in his room and removed anything sharp, or anything with the potential to become sharp. He couldn't understand it – surely they had all seen him descending down the black hole that was depression. None of them had tried to stop him. None of them had seen his messages – crying out, begging for help, for someone to stop him, help him, kill him. None of them had seen before. Why now?
Sunlight streamed in from the open window as the city began to awaken.
He loathed it. He had borne the agony yet another day longer than he'd wanted to.
In the hustle bustle of a new day, he screamed.
The windows shattered.
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me,
Lying on the floor, where were you? Where were you?
Arthur, Gaius, the Knights and Gwen rushed into the room, to find Merlin curled up on the floor sobbing, surrounded by shards of glass. Gwen rushed to him, and as she pulled him into her arms; she, and the others, checked for any signs of cuts or slashes. There were none.
Arthur knew he wouldn't find out what had almost driven Merlin to that today.
But looking at him rocking gently in his love's arms, he knew that after this, he was closer to unravelling the heart of the mystery.
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me,
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded;
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!
I can leave it here or I can add another chapter. Please review and tell me what you think, and if you think I should continue, please suggest a song title (this one preferably slightly sad, something to do with revelations).
