Green Boi awoke to the feeling of someone tapping his cheek repeatedly. "Hey! Wake up!" shouted a gruff, bold, manly voice. Green Boi opened his eyes.

He opened his eyes wide.

He scuttled back.

He gasped.

He was dumbstruck.

It was the most popular super epic plus ultra-hero in the world. His muscular form was so toned and powerful that light itself was afraid of him. Therefore, his body was always halfway in shadow. He spoke proudly as he apologized, "Sorry, I didn't mean to let the villain get you. Are you alright?"

Green Boi stood up and pointed. "Y-y-y-y-you're the Defender of Justice, the Symbol of Peace, the son of god! You're All American Blonde Superman!"

"Yes I am!"

Green Boi flailed his arms. "Autograph! I NEED YOUR AUTOGRAPH!" He looked around and saw his notebook on the floor. "Please, sign my notebook!" He tried to find the least water-damaged page. And he did find it—only to see that All American Blonde Superman had already signed it. "Holy fucking shit! Thank you! Thank you!" He bowed repeatedly.

"You're welcome, young sir. Welp, I've got to get this villain to the police." He displayed the bottle of soda that he had used to encapsulate the villain. "I bid you farewell!" And Blonde Superman squatted down, as if about to leap halfway across Japan.

"WAAIAIIHT!" screamed Precious Green. "Wait! I have so many questions!"

"I really don't have time for that, young sir. Heroes are fighting time as well as enemies. I must be off." He leapt into the air. "Thank you for your support!"

As he zoomed across the skyline, All American Blonde Superman felt something was amiss. His leg seemed a bit heavier than usual. He turned around. He saw the kid clinging on for dear life. "WHOA THERE! Where do you think you're going?"

"OH SHIT I WASN'T THINKING! I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIE IF I FALL!"

With a sigh, Blonde Superman looked for a building to land on. After prying the crying Green Bean off of his leg, All American asked him, "What were you thinking?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Look, I have to go. So if you knock on that door over there," he pointed to a roof door, "someone will let you in. Alright, I'm off—"

"WAIT!"

"What." Blonde Superman's patience was wearing thin.

"Can someone be a hero without a flashy quirk?"

"…Huh?"

"Because I want to be a hero," Green Boi said, taking a step closer, reaching out his hand toward the Sparkling Ultra Shiny Hero of Justice. "I want to be like you. Like Into The Woods Man, like The Female Titan Lady, like Explochan. I want…" He tightened his hands into fists. "I have to know!" He shut his eyes tight. "I'm just a kid with heightened intelligence. Could I ever hope to be someone like you?"

A pause from Blonde Superman. "Without a flashy quirk?"

"Yeah. People think I don't have a chance. They think that not having fancy powers makes me some sort of weakling. My classmates make fun of me. But that only makes me want to prove them wrong. I want to be the kind of hero that saves people with a smile, and doesn't destroy the entire city while doing it. I want to be an efficient hero, a symbol of peace, just like you!"

Green Boi remembered the first time he had ever heard of All American Blonde Superman. For some reason, an entire fucking city was on fire, and people were dying left and right. (It was actually a very gruesome video, and Precious Green Bean Child often wondered why his mom had let him watch it in the first place.) Tons of heroes were trying to rescue survivors. They were all being horribly inefficient about it, with each hero rushing into flaming buildings to try to pull out survivors. Although he was just a kindergartener, even Green Boi knew that the best way to save everyone would be to smother the fire first.

And that's exactly what All American Blonde Superman did. He blew out the fire with his Mega Breath of Justice. And he carried people ten at a time to safety. Blonde Superman combined both brains and brawn to save the day. Green Boi wanted to know if he could do the same with only the first half of that equation.

All American Blonde Superman was silent. So Green Boi opened his eyes. Sitting in front of him was a withered old man. Green Boi jumped back, and exclaimed, "Who are you?"

After a fit of coughing, the withered old man said, "Can't you tell? It's me."

"All American Blonde Superman?"

"Yes. The one and only." He sighed and coughed a little more. Blood trickled down the side of his dry lips. "This is my true form."

"Usually when people say that, they get stronger, not weaker."

"Whatever kid. Look, you wanna know the truth? Wanna know what I think?" He lifted up his t-shirt. Green Boi backed up and fell to the ground at the sight of Blonde Superman's twisted, gnarled torso. "This is what I think."

"What is that?"

"I was fighting a guy about five years ago. He did this to me. He destroyed one of my lungs, my stomach, my spleen, parts of my large and my small intestines, and a section of my liver. I'm running on fumes, kid. I can only transform into my muscle form for about three hours a day."

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah, it's a fucked up world. There are villains out there powerful enough to do this to All American Blonde Superman. So what makes you think that you can be a symbol of peace without a fancy special ability?"

Green Boi shook his head, cringing at the hardened, scarred wound.

"I hate to break it to you, kid, but this isn't Death Note or Yu-Gi-Oh. You can't get too far with just smarts alone. It's great to have smarts. It'll get you out of seemingly impossible situations. But you gotta have the muscle to back it up. Sometimes all you need is brute strength, the power of friendship, and a strong belief in yourself, to defeat your enemies—and a high tolerance for pain. Can't forget that." Blonde Superman stood up. "So you need to be realistic. You can't be a hero without cool super powers. You just can't. It's impossible."

"Oh…"

"I'd say give up, kid."

"Okay…"

"Let's keep this a secret between us, alright? People would freak out if they knew that All American Blonde Superman was just a shell of his former self. Got it?"

"Okay…" So Green Boi, devastated, proceeded to the roof door and walked away.

Blonde Superman sighed, said, "Well, I should get to the police station," and reached into his pocket for the soda bottle filled with Evil Ooze Dude.

It wasn't there.

"Fuck me…" he swore.

As if to emphasize the fact that he'd fucked up, he heard and saw an explosion in the distance. He groaned.

Green Boi too saw the explosion as he walked down the street. He glanced toward the source of the smoke and noise. He sighed. "No use going there. What am I gonna do?" Yet he began to walk toward the commotion, while staring at his notebook. It was still a little wet, and the ink had bled all over, but he could salvage some of it. He'd have to rewrite most of it. "Stupid fucking Explochan," he complained. He bumped into someone. He looked up.

A crowd had gathered around the source of the explosions. You'd think people would be worried about their safety and not stand around to watch a—that's the guy that attacked me! Green Boi pushed aside the bystanders to get a better look. Yup, that was definitely the villain that had tried to kill him. He gulped, and held his throat. The shock of meeting the Super Ultra Great Delicious Wonderful Blonde Superman had pushed aside the painful feeling of almost being killed by Ooze Dude. Seeing the villain again resurfaced those feelings of despair and panic.

He backed away. But how? Didn't Blonde Superman trap him in a bottle? How'd he… Oh shit. He put it in his pocket. It must have dropped when I jumped onto his leg. Oh shit. Oh shit. This is my fault. He ran his hands through his hair. This shit is my fault!

Someone screamed, "Look! He has a kid as his hostage!"

Another person screamed, "The kid's fighting back so hard! He keeps exploding!"

Green Boi whipped his head and craned his neck to see beyond the crowds. Please don't be Explochan. Please don't be Explochan. Please don't be…

There was another explosion, one so powerful that it, just for a second, blasted the Ooze Dude off of the kid. Green Boi saw the kid's face. FUCKING EXPLOCHAN! I knew it! I knew it! How the hell did he get himself in this situation? Well probably the same way I got myself in that situation. He looked at Explodey Boi's face again. Explochan's eyes were wild. He was terrified.

Green Boi knew exactly how that felt. He covered his mouth and fought back tears. Where's Blonde Superman? Oh no. He's weak right now. Oh no. This is bad. This is bad. This is bad. Someone else has to help.

He looked around. He saw several heroes at the scene. There was Into The Woods Man. He was standing back, hesitant, because fire and wood are only a good combination in the fireplace on a snowy winter day. Then there was Firefighter Gas Mask Guy, who was too busy fighting the flames running rampant in the city. Then there was Strong Arm Guy and Some Other Disposable Hero Number 1, who were just standing around, because they couldn't figure out how to fight this Ooze dude. Worst of all was The Female Titan Lady, who was stuck in an alley, saying, "I can't get to the scene of the crime! I need a two-lane road!"

Then turn off your fucking quirk, get small, get into the battle area, and become big again, you stupid fucking idiot! And stupid fucking Explochan, he's making it harder for the heroes to help him! Why is he doing this? Stop exploding everywhere! You're causing damage to the city too! What the hell is wrong with you? Think! Think for once in your life! Think! Of course he can't think! He's panicking! But focus Explochan! There's got to be something you can do! There's got to be something.

Precious Green Bean Child squeezed his eyes tight. When he was in the clutches of that Ooze Dude, the one thing he wanted most was for someone to grab him and pull him out. Of course! If no one can pull the ooze off of him, then pull him out of the ooze!

And he sprang into action. He sprinted toward Ooze Dude, spun around and chucked his backpack at him. Ooze Dude was genuinely startled, because he had been too busy trying to overpower Explodey Boi, while keeping an eye on the heroes. He simply didn't expect a bystander to jump in.

Green Boi reached right into the Ooze Dude and grabbed Explodey Boi's forearm with both of his hands. He screamed an embarrassingly high pitched scream as he tried to pull his best friend out. And it was working. It was working so well that Explodey Boi shouted, "I don't need your help! Go eat ass, punk!"

It worked, but only briefly, because Ooze Dude redoubled his efforts to swallow Explodey Boi—and he tried to grab Green Boi as well.

Fortunately, All American Blonde Superman arrived just in time to save the day. With a single normal punch, he caused a wind surge so strong that it evaporated Ooze Dude, and killed him. Yes. Ooze Dude died.

The force of the upward draft also put out all the fires. Just in case that wasn't enough, it caused the clouds to rearrange and start raining.

All American Blonde Superman was interviewed by television crews as the D-List heroes made sure the boys were okay. A couple of them yelled at Precious Green. "What were you thinking?" asked Some Other Disposable Hero Number 1. "You could have been killed!"

"I'm sorry," Green Boi apologized.

As for Angry Explodey Boi, he was being praised for his bravery and his destructive ability. Some Other Disposable Hero Number 2 applauded him and said, "You single-handedly set a whole street on fire and made it a million times harder for us to save you, as well as endangered hundreds of other people and caused hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth of property damage! That is amazing! You should become a hero. I'd love to have you as my sidekick."

"Go eat ass, you one-time screen time wanabee," retorted the Angry Explodey Boi. "I'd only be your sidekick in your wet dreams."

"He's so badass!" Some Other Disposable Hero Number 2 swooned.

The heroes asked the boys if they were alright, and once they said yes, the heroes sent them on their way without any medical examination or contacting their parents. After all, this was an everyday occurrence in Typical Japanese City. This literally was nothing special.

The two friends walked home together in silence. Green Boi trembled, because the adrenaline had finally worn off, and he was terrified. Explodey Boi noticed, and scoffed. "You fuck nugget!" he roared.

"Me?"

"Yes you!" He shoved Green Boi. "Who do you think you are, with that pathetic attempt at saving me? You're nothing but a stupid goodamn nerd! You should go—"

"I know, I know! I'll go eat ass, Explochan. Shut up."

Angry Explodey Boi glared at Green Boi with the passion of a thousand roaring suns. "So now you expect me to get on my knees and suck your dick?"

"What? No? What is up with you and all this sexual stuff?"

"Don't expect me to start thanking you. I don't owe you anything. Damn nerd." And even though his house was further down the same street, Explodey Boi turned around and marched off in the opposite direction.

Green Boi, utterly confused, watched him go, while thinking, Is he…gay?

With a sigh, Green Boi kept walking. He would tell me if he is, right? That's something you would tell your best friend. We've been friends since forever. Actually are we even friends? He beats me up and verbally abuses me all the time. He chuckled. Well, I guess that's his way of showing affection. Besides, I understand why he's mad. If I had gotten hurt trying to save him, he'd never forgive himself.

Green Boi glanced up at the clouds. I'm such a massive loser. I almost died, then I bothered a popular hero, then I set lose a villain that almost killed Explochan, then I almost killed myself trying to save him… Yet another sigh. Yeah, I should give up on this hero stuff. It actually kind of scares the shit out of me.

"I'M BACK!" shouted super fluffy deluxe Blonde Superman as he popped out from around the corner.

"AHAHAHH!" shouted startled Precious Green Bean Child. "Christ, you scared the shit out of me." He was clutching his chest. When he regained his composure, he asked "Wait, how did you know where I was?"

"I followed you!"

"You stalked me?!"

"It's not stalking! Not when I do it!"

Green Boi rolled his eyes.

"Hey, kid, I stalked you because I saw you back there." The blonde man allowed his body to wither to its true form. "I saw what you did. It took guts."

"You saw me back there? You saw me jump in and almost get myself killed? You saw me helpless to protect my friend?" Green Boi sniffled. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I made you drop the soda bottle in the first place."

"Yeah it's definitely your fault, 100 percent. My pockets are extremely deep—like, ridiculously deep—so there is no other way that the soda bottle in which I imprisoned the villain could have fallen out. You caused that whole mess, and it was your fault that the villain captured another kid, that people were hurt and property was damaged, and that I had to murder the villain. But, look, kid, don't cry. You should be proud."

"Proud?"

"Yeah. You're the only one that actually did something. Albeit, something completely useless, but something, nonetheless. That sort of complete and utter disregard for your own safety and wellbeing is exactly what I've been looking for in a successor. You show the qualities of a true hero."

"A… hero?"

"Just from meeting you today for like, ten minutes, I can tell, for certain, that you are someone who believes in ridiculously unattainable goals, but believes in them so deeply that he will go through great lengths and trials and tribulations to finally achieve those goals. Someone who is pure, maybe a little flawed, but a genuinely good boy, who has an angsty, angry foil character with whom the fangirls can ship him."

"You think… I'm…"

"Yes. I take back the completely rational, but un-shonen-manga-like thing that I said earlier. Don't give up. Never give up. Trust your instincts."

Green Boi dropped to his knees. "You mean?"

"You can go the distance kid. You've got what it takes to be a hero."

Tears rolled down Green Boi's face. "You mean, I can be a hero, with just my smarts alone?"

"No! No, no, no, no, no. Of course not! No way. No." Blonde Superman chuckled. "Haha, no. Wow, no. Hahaha, whooo! I needed a good laugh." He coughed up a bit of blood, and then wiped it off with the back of his hands. "No, kid, you'd either die or this show would be WAY too boring. You can be a hero, but I'll have to give you superpowers."

"…So you're saying that I definitely DO need superpowers to become a hero?"

"Yes."

"So this isn't one of those stories where the underdog makes it to the top against all odds?"

"Yes it is, but you'll have a cool looking OP super power."

"Do I really need one? I was hoping to be this world's Batman, you know?"

"Look, do you want the damn powers or not?"

"Yes please."

"Alright then. So I've been looking for a successor for my power. It's one passed down from generation to generation, one that's cultivated from master to student. One that grows and develops from person to person. It's the ultimate quirk: Deus ex Machina."

"Deus ex Machina?"

"Yes. And with it, you will become the strongest hero ever!" Blonde Superman held out his hand. "Will you accept this torch I pass on to you?"

Green Boi smiled. He wiped the tears from his eyes. He grasped the man's hand. He nodded. "Yes."