I have not read ANY other stories that have Castle getting shot instead of Beckett. Maybe I'm not looking in the right places or maybe they're just buried under the sheer volume of other Castle fanfics. That being said, I am now aware that this story is not completely original…but it isn't derivative either…other than being derived from the show, obviously. Now that I think about it, I don't know that I've read any post-knockout fics.

If you like this fic why don't you read my other Castle fic The Price We Pay?

Kindly review, even if you don't review kindly...saw that on somebody else's story and liked the wordplay.


"Kate, I love you. I love you Kate."

It was nothing less than a sucker-punch to the heart. The magnitude of Castle's revelation chased every coherent thought from Kate's mind. Nobody else had ever managed to blindside her so effectively

Beckett had always known that Castle was interested in her, Lanie, and Esposito really hadn't needed to point it out. She was, after all, a detective and the man had been pulling her pigtails like a kid with a crush since the day they met, but she had never suspected that his feelings went that deep, that he was in love with his wounded little closet fan-girl of a muse.

By the time Kate's brain was functioning again she had already watched him slide down into unconsciousness, unable to give him any reassurance beyond what he took from her expression and the grip her hand had on his. There was no reassurance for her either. Lanie hadn't mentioned Castle's chances and she had very deliberately not asked. As long as she didn't know what the odds were, she could still act like he was going to be fine; she could keep the protective veneer of her detective persona intact. But she felt the veneer getting increasingly thin, sometime soon it would crack and all the emotions she had rationalised, downplayed, ignored and flat-out denied would come spilling out of her in an unstoppable torrent that would leave her a shaking, tear-soaked wreck, unable to do more than breathe and hurt.

It was much too close to being much too much. The rabbit hole was calling to her again, replaying memories of nights spent sat on her bed hugging her legs and sobbing her loneliness into the knees of her pyjama pants. All her emotional wounds were raw and bleeding like they weren't months or years old and the yawning pit of grief she still carried in her chest grew until she could barely breathe around it. Kate felt a selfish desire to let the abyss have her, to let the guilt and pain evoked by the sacrifices Montgomery and Castle had made for her remove the capacity and hence responsibility for making the tough decisions. Nobody would ask her to look after everybody else if she was in floods of tears and clinging to her dad like he was the last solid thing in the universe. But it was a child's wish, to be held and comforted while the grown-ups faced the scary monsters. She was a grown-up, she was an NYPD detective god damn it, and she would hold her shit together long enough for her to get her partner to a hospital and make sure he was going to live…because she couldn't lose anybody else, and definitely not Castle, not now.

Handguns fired somewhere behind her and she instinctively shielded Castle's head as Esposito leaned over his chest. Nobody shouted 'officer down' again, nobody called for another ambulance. Beyond that she didn't much care. There was a limit to how many people she could let herself worry about right now and with Castle unconscious and bleeding on the ground, her limit was probably one.

"Dad!" Kate looked from Castle to his daughter as she knelt next to her, pale and frightened almost out of her mind. Behind Alexis, Martha was faring little better. Steeling herself against the wrongness of it, Kate put Castle's hand in his daughter's and got up, giving Martha enough room to comfort her son and her granddaughter at the same time. Ryan gave her an inquiring look. Was Castle ok, was she? Being unable to give him the answers he wanted, she ignored him, looking instead at the trees, the grass, anything that didn't immediately remind her of death. She just needed a moment. One moment to put all her fear, her worry and her guilt in a box and lock it up tight. A pair of feet came into her field of vision. Couldn't she have just one freaking moment?

"I thought it was you Katie. I thought I'd lost you." Guilt surged again. She hadn't spared a thought for her father and what he might have gone through seeing her hit the ground. Kate met his gaze and gave him her best possible smile. He didn't look all that reassured.

"I'm sorry dad. I'm fine, I wasn't shot. It's not my blood." Jim hadn't noticed the blood on her uniform, then he looked at her hands and understanding dawned.

"Rick…how, I mean…" Kate shook her head, answering the question before it was asked. No, it didn't look good.

"Katie…" His arms opened to hold her but she knew better, if she let her dad comfort her now she'd fall to pieces and she couldn't afford for that to happen. There were too many people counting on her, there were always too many people counting on her.

"I can't. Not now. Later…soon…but not now." Jim gave his daughter a sad little smile, knowing how often she put the job and other people ahead of her needs, even if she was just barely hanging on.

"I understand detective. When it's time, I'll drive you to the hospital." She nodded her acknowledgement and turned towards the approaching sirens. The ambulance was finally here. Lanie didn't even look up as she filled them in.

"Richard Castle, early forties, GSW to the right chest, entry and exit wounds, hemo-pneumothorax, tachycardia and tachypnea indicating hypovolemic shock…I managed to MacGyver a chest drain out of a pen and some lingerie tape. He needs O2, NS and a level one trauma center."

"He's going straight to Flushing. The OR is being prepped as we speak."

"Good. I know people there."

"You coming with us Doctor…?"

"Parish." Lanie glanced at Kate and Castle's family, nobody objected. "Yes I am." She might have been an ME and not a trauma specialist but she was better trained than the technicians and Castle needed all the help she could give him.

There was an awful air of finality as the ambulance doors closed and the ambulance drove Castle away. Kate couldn't let herself dwell on it though, couldn't let hersef stop and think. She had to keep going.

"Wallis?" The junior detective who had surrendered his desk for use as Castle's perch came over to her wearing his blank cop-face, it needed work.

"What do you need Beckett?"

"Get Castle's family to the hospital in Flushing, the one on Main Street."

"Sure thing."

"Gumball all the way. If you get any trouble, I made it an order." Kate walked the detective over to Alexis and Martha.

"This is Detective Wallis, he's going to take you to the hospital."

"You're not coming?" Alexis looked bewildered. Kate didn't blame her; she shouldn't need to be alright with her dad's friends not rushing to his bedside.

"Not yet. I will be there as soon as I can…but there are things I have to do here. Your dad doesn't need me harassing his doctors, he has you and Martha for that." Kate felt Alexis envelop her in a hug. It did nothing to assuage her guilt, it may even have made it worse because she couldn't hug the poor kid back…she literally had her father's blood on her hands. "If either of you need anything, you call me ok?"

"You won't be long?"

"I'll be as quick as I can. Promise." Having safely got Martha and Alexis away from the scene, Beckett was a little better able to pretend it was just like any other crime scene. She scanned the area for Ryan and Esposito and found them walking in her direction, their cop-faces were better than Wallis's but they were both clearly worried. Kate opened her mouth, intending to cut off any and all exchanges of concern for Castle with a list of instructions, but Esposito got there first.

"Somebody got the sniper…with a head shot. I don't know who. I was too busy covering Lanie to see who was going after the guy."

"I was with Martha and Alexis." Ryan looked like a dog waiting to be kicked, but it wasn't his fault. Beckett knew exactly where the blame lay, squarely on her shoulders.

"I'm sorry Kate." Only on incredibly rare occasions did Esposito use her first name but she knew why. This case was now personal to all of them, not just because it had claimed the life of her mother and two members of the NYPD, but it had put bullets into two members of their team, the second having been shot at the funeral of the first. It was reminding them all that some days, on some cases, however hard they tried to pretend otherwise, they were somebody's friends and loved ones before they were cops.

"Me too Beckett…Kate."

"It's ok guys, I'd have done the same." She should have done the same; she should have been the one doing the protecting. She was the one who'd taken the oath, not Castle. She should have taken the bullet. But she hadn't, Castle had…and if he died for her she was never going to forgive herself.