- Scene 3 -
Back in the garden of the Flynn/Fletcher house, Ferb had finished making the final adjustments to his latest engineering masterpiece and was busy strapping himself into it, safety goggles firmly in place to protect his eyes. The device consisted of a large metal looking backpack with two large silver tubes attached to the sides. These came down and under the operator's arms and could be guided and controlled by a pair of small joysticks, making the device extremely accurate. Small beeps and whirrs came from within the back pack and a bright yellow light shone out through a glass dome on the top of the backpack. The top of the dome had a spike upon which a small carved pumpkin and been mounted.
Phineas, Buford and Isabella were standing to one side, all with hard hats and safety goggles in place. Phineas held a thumb up to Ferb and his step-brother responded in kind. Ferb flicked the power switch and grasped the controls, the mechanical tubes making a satisfyingly robotic noise as they moved under Ferb's deft control. Phineas then called, "Okay Ferb! Commence test in 3, 2, 1!" Taking aim just above the house next door, Ferb pressed the red button mounted on the control stick.
With a dull thump a loo roll was launched at near supersonic speed and rapidly disappeared into the sky. All four children watched it vanish into the distance in awe.
"Woah," sighed Phineas, "Might need to dial it down a bit Ferb." His green haired partner in crime was already fiddling inside the backpack with a screwdriver and in mere moments threw the backpack back on, secured it around his waist again and launched another loo roll.
This one sailed gracefully over the neighbours' house, unravelling as it went so that the paper draped over the roof to hang down on either side. "Perfect!" shouted Buford. The happy bully then removed the device from Ferb's back in one swift move and strapped himself into it. With a cry of, "Say hello to my little friend!" Buford flicked the switch marked 'Fire Rate' from semi to auto and, laughing manically, pressed both triggers.
Candace was up in her room again talking on her cell phone. "Mom! You need to come home. Right now!" In her car, Candace's voice blaring from the car's hands-free kit, Mrs Linda Flynn-Fletcher sighed and shook her head, her mane of perfectly styled hair for the moment covered with a large Stetson. On the passenger seat next to her were a number of other hats in the Old West style; other Stetsons and a couple of 10-Gallon hats along with some bandoliers, patterned blankets and handkerchiefs.
.
"Candace," she said in slight exasperation, "We've got the Mexican/Cowboy party tonight and I'm coming home with some of the props. I'm about 2 minutes away. I'm sure that whatever it is can wait till I get home." She desperately hoped so. She loved her daughter dearly but this crazy obsession of hers, thinking her brothers were up to something and out ruin her life… well, it just wasn't healthy in a young teenaged girl.
Candace didn't answer straight away as she had noticed the stream of toilet rolls rapidly blasting past her window. Running to the window she leant out and saw Buford in full attack mode on the neighbours' house. She heard her mom asking if she was still there and put the phone back to her ear and yelled "Come home quickly! The boys are attacking the neighbours!" Hanging up the phone she glanced out the window again and giggled a little crazily, "Busted!" she whispered to herself, rubbing her hands in glee before dashing downstairs and out into the driveway.
Cackling softly, Candace saw her Mom's car turn into their road and begin to come closer. Turning to look over the fence, she saw that Buford was still firing rapidly. Cackling again and bouncing up and down on her toes, hands clasped before her, Candace was sure that she had them this time.
- Scene 4 -
Dr Doofenshmirtz, true to form, was currently expanding and explaining the full extent of his master plan to Perry. "I know what you are thinking Perry the Platypus; 'Why not find a brand you like and stick with it?' Well, you know, I thought that too." he said, gazing up at his machine. "But with so much choice and variety, how do I know I've picked the best one! I could be stuck with a brand that is not as good as another brand! So you see, I've been compelled to buy all the different types each time I shop and it-it-it's really cutting into my schedule of Evil." Doof glanced round to see if Perry was paying attention. Satisfied that he had a captive audience, he continued with his monologue.
"This wonderful device will fire a high powered beam of energy and strike every supermarket in the Tri-State area, destroying all brands of toilet paper except for one!" Looking back again at Perry, he smiled and said, "It will just make it easier all round don't you think?" Perry just frowned at his nemesis.
With an angry huff of air Heinz said, "Don't give me that look, Perry the Platypus; you do not appreciate how difficult making these sorts of decisions can be!" Waving his hand at Perry in a dismissive way, Doof turned and began to push his device out onto the balcony area.
"I'll just move this outside into the firing position and you can witness the end of difficult lavatory paper based decisions. You'll see, Perry the Platypus," he said plaintively, begging for understanding. "It'll be better for everyone really so I'm actually not being evil today… not really." Perry just glared and Doof paused, his face assuming a look that screamed innocence. "It's true, everyone will appreciate it… when they get used to the idea of course." Perry continued to stare at Doofenshmirtz until the man closed his mouth in a firm line and put his hands on his hips. "Fine! You don't have to believe me, but you will see Perry." He once more resumed pushing his device outside. "You will see soon enough! I'll leave the door open for you so you can see."
Standing outside in the fresh summer breeze, Doof adjusted the device and said in his patented Evil voice, "And now I shall point the Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator at the satellite above Danville, and the beam will then come back down and strike all of the supermarkets and destroy all brands of toilet paper except for one!" His voice changed back to his normal whine as he smiled, "Which one? I don't know, but that is part of the fun!"
He made a few final adjustments to the back of the machine before standing dramatically with one hand upraised over the "ON" button, "And now!" he yelled just as a toilet roll ricocheted off the back of his head. Spinning around he saw Perry, crouched in the doorway arms upraised in a combat stance, ready to spring.
"Perry the Platypus!" said Doof in horror, "But-but, how did you escape my Platypus-Capture-Inator?" In answer Perry held up a toilet roll. There was a long pause as both Perry and Dr Doofenshmirtz just stared at each other. "Um…" said Doof hesitantly, "You realise that that makes no sense, right?"
In response, Perry just shrugged and hurled the toilet roll straight at Doof before he sprang forward to the attack. Doof took the toilet roll in the gut, doubling over with a grunt of pain and Perry's flying kick caught him square in the jaw, knocking the gangly man down. In a sudden movement, Doof produced a toilet brush from inside his lab coat and jabbed it towards Agent P. Perry staggered back, fending the brush off and staring at Doof in horror.
Heinz waved the brush a little bit and said, "Don't worry, Perry the Platypus, it's a new one! Honest, it's not been used before!" Putting his hands on his hips he assumed a look of wounded innocence, "What sort of sick monster do you think I am?" Perry lowered his head and looked ashamed for having doubted Heinz. "Oh, it is okay Perry the Platypus, I forgive you. Now en guard!" Doof declared brandishing the brush once more.
Perry sprang back and produced a plunger, grasping it firmly above the rubber end and wielding it like a sword. The two came together in a clash of wood on plastic, fighting like duellists of old, leaping and dodging. Perry leapt up, avoiding a wild swing from Doofenshmirtz to strike the man in the face with his tail before springing past him. Doof was spun round twice before he crashed into his Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator, hitting the "ON" button with his face. He fell to the floor, stunned momentarily. The Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator started to hum louder and louder as it prepared to fire!
Anyone looking at the area around the Flynn-Fletcher house from an eagle's perspective would have been surprised at the amount of toilet paper covering the neighbours' house, their garden and, indeed, the road on the other side of their house. All the various colours made a fantastic carpet of pinks, lilacs, whites and yellows, with a boy in a black t-shirt the cause of it all.
Buford was laughing and laughing hard; he was having a lot of fun with this and couldn't wait for Halloween. Isabella and the two brothers looked on a little concerned as Buford launched roll after roll over the neighbours' fence. "Um… Buford?" said Phineas hesitantly but the bully could not hear him over the sound of his own laughter.
Out in the driveway, Mrs Flynn-Fletcher pulled up. She managed to get her seat belt off mere moments before Candace had dragged the door open and yanked on her arm, pulling her from the car. Running off to the fence she yelled, "Come on Mom! Gotta bust them!" In Candace's haste to bust her brothers, she didn't notice that her mom had bumped her head on the frame of the car and the Stetson was now jammed down over Mrs Flynn-Fletcher's eyes, effectively blinding her.
"Candace!" she said in anger, "What is this all about?" In the meantime Candace had jumped up to see over the fence. She saw Buford fire one last toilet roll and then turned to her Mom.
"Mom! Get that hat off of your head and hurry up!" she yelled and ran back to help pull the hat free.
In downtown Danville, Perry dodged toilet rolls that were being flung at him by Dr Doofenshmirtz. Using the plunger, Agent P batted each one aside, moving with style and grace until he stood before the Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator. Reaching out, he grabbed hold of the device, pulling a single bolt from the machine's frame. One last toilet roll was hurled at him but he dove aside at the last second, allowing it to strike the Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator, which caused its massive laser to shift downwards just at the moment it fired. A huge, green bolt of energy blasted across the city and the toilet roll that had ricocheted off of the laser struck Heinz full in the face, knocking him down once more.
In the suburbs of Danville a large bolt of green energy made the occupants of Phineas and Ferb's backyard jump as it struck the neighbours' house and enveloped it. A moment later the green light was gone, along with all of the toilet roll. The place was cleared completely. "What was that?" asked Buford. The others just shrugged their shoulders.
At that moment, Candace dragged the hat from her mom's head, shoved open the gate to the garden and with her arm thrust out in triumph, said, "See Mom!" Her mom staggered into the garden, still a little bewildered from the last thirty seconds or so, to see the two boys and two of their friends stood in the yard. The Van Stomm boy had on what appeared to be a leaf blower and so she said, "Hi boys, hi Isabella, good thinking about the leaf blower. It'll be good to keep the yard clear of leaves when they start to fall; very thoughtful." She turned and walked away as Candace looked at the yard in horror, her bottom lip quivering in disbelief. How did they do it? How could so much evidence just vanish in a split second? It wasn't fair!
Mrs Flynn-Fletcher came back through the garden, then carrying several bags, the hats and other paraphernalia for the party. "I got pie if you're interested." she asked as she went through the door into the house. The boys and Isabella all trooped inside, Buford putting his new toy down by the door, giving it a couple of gentle pats, very satisfied with it.
On top of the Doofenshmirtz building, the Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator gave a cough and a shudder before collapsing in a pile of its component parts. Doof, in the meantime, had been examining the toilet roll that had struck him in the face. After removing it from his nose he had noticed its smoothness, its softness, the fact that it hadn't hurt when he had struck by it… this could be the toilet roll he had been searching for!
Agent P had assumed a dramatic stance, combat ready; the bolt he had removed from the machine held out in one hand. Every part of him radiated victory; but Heinz wasn't paying attention. In fact he wasn't paying attention so much that he just stood up and started to go inside, not even noticing the destruction of his latest device. Perry leapt forward and landed in front of Doof, ready for battle again, waving the bolt in his nemesis' face.
"Hmm?" said Doofenshmirtz distractedly. Looking at Perry he saw the bolt, looked back and saw his latest invention lying in smoking pieces on the floor. "Oh, yes, you found the weak point in my Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator and caused it to collapse when it fired. Very good." He continued past Perry who seemed to deflate at being ignored. Just as Doof was about to shut the door he said, "Oh yes, sorry; curse you Perry the Platypus and all that of course." The door then slid shut firmly.
Perry stood there for a moment wondering at the events of the last few moments. He was used to Doofenshmirtz's devices and schemes being thwarted in dramatic fashion and leaping away to safety in the nick of time. This was a bit of a let down, to be honest.
With a shrug he hopped off the edge of the building, his hang glider snapping open and carrying him away, across the city. There was always next mission.
~ Aaa-Gent-Peeeee! ~
Meanwhile Phineas, Ferb, Buford and Isabella were all sitting around the table in the kitchen whilst Mrs Flynn-Fletcher served pie and milk to them all and Candace sulked in her room at being thwarted once more. "I had fun today." said Phineas, "I was a little concerned about you for a moment Buford. You seemed to be enjoying yourself a little too much!"
"What can I say?" the bully muttered around a mouthful of pie. "I like Halloween and I'm looking forward to this one even more!" Everyone agreed with that feeling though, as Isabella pointed out, there was still a lot of summer left to enjoy.
There was a strange rattling growl from behind Ferb's chair. Phineas glanced down and said, "Oh, there you are Perry!" as the platypus wandered in, settled down under the table and seemed to fall asleep instantly. Phineas glanced around at his friends and said, "Who'd have thought that toilet paper could be so much fun?"
Ferb put down his glass of milk, wiped away the white moustache and in his British accent, strange to hear after his brother's American drawl, said "The first documented use of toilet paper in human history dates back to the 6th century BC, in early medieval China."
"You talk too much." said Buford
~ ~ FIN ~ ~
